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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Would you be arsed with your friend if she behaved like this?

71 replies

samisatwat · 18/04/2021 17:02

My friend is a strange character at times.
She's always defensive,anger problems (last few years)
Anyway she's been diagnosed with BPD and she won't help herself.
She's refused medication,refused the 2 talking therapies and has told the mental health team she will wait and do group sessions after covid (probably as they aren't happening now,so good excuse not to take part )
She hates anyone getting on better than her and lately is just so negative.
She never wants to meet and go out for food or a cuppa as she says she doesn't like people (yet wants to do group sessions with people)
She loves when I'm unhappy and seemed overjoyed when I got dumped.
She never texts me first,but if I don't text her she will play the "can't be arsed to speak can you not card?"

We arranged to go into town tomorrow for lunch.
Yesterday I went out with a friend for food and cocktails and my friend posted some pics of us on social media.
I knew today she would cancel because I was out yesterday(almost like I'm not allowed out ,she's happy if I'm sat in alone)

Text her today no reply for 4 hours (shocker)
Then she responds
"I'm ill with a upset can't come tomorrow,my mum is going to ring the doctors "

So I replied "oh no hope you feel better soon,what's up are you being sick,I doubt the doctor can help with a upset stomach ..plenty of rest and fluids "

Her response "why a million questions,I'm ringing the GP as I can't help myself "

Basically she does this all the time.
Almost like punishment for me having other friends

Aibu to not even be arsed ?

OP posts:

WildfirePonie · 18/04/2021 18:55

Why bother? Just block her. Who needs so much negativity in their lives and someone only happy when you are down?

Original poster

samisatwat · 18/04/2021 18:58

@MadMadMadamMim I've been nothing but a decent friend to her.
I've put up with her threatening to hit me,screaming in my face,not paying me back etc etc
I'm just at my limit with it all

OP posts:

seepingweeping · 18/04/2021 18:59

I have a friend like this, breaks plans but as soon as she sees I'm out with other friends I get message after message saying how she's jealous but I can't sit in and wait for her just because she chooses too.

Shes hard hard work and I've distanced myself. I've started saying no to any plans she suggests. She has some mental health issues which I've supported for the last 4 years but she refuses to engage with services and likes to tell me that seeing me out with other people just makes her worse. I drive, she doesn't and wants me to drive to collect her so we can go out for the day.

Reduce contact drastically. You're getting nothing from this friendship.

Sleepingdogs12 · 18/04/2021 19:13

BPD or not you don't need people in your life who treat you badly. But why you had to say the dr couldn't help if she had an upset stomach I am unsure. It might be true but people call the dr about lots of things, you didn't know it was sickness and they'd made the decision to call. I'd have been irritated by your comment.

XenoBitch · 18/04/2021 19:16

Friendships run 2 ways and it sounds like this one doesn't. You do not owe her a friendship. Cut ties and find someone who values your time and give back too. I say this as someone with BPD. Just because your friend has BPD does not mean you owe her anything at all. It sounds like she needs to work on herself.

Wishingwell75 · 18/04/2021 19:20

I appreciate your friendship must be
very challenging at times and I wonder how long you have been friends, what are the good bits of your friendship and if she has previously engaged with services, taken medication etc was the relationship with her much more enjoyable as a result?

At the end of a visit, call etc do you feel uplifted or drained? That's my benchmark, obviously taking into consideration bad days ect, for either of you.
I think that if on the whole your time spent together is positive plus you have the mental space in your life for this friend then you are right to continue with it. Certainly you are probably a lot more valued than she is currently able to express to you.
We all go through ups and downs and there may come a time that she is able to be there for you.
But, I think you need to set very firm boundaries as soon as possible.
I would write to her and tell her that you care about her and that she needs to accept professional help.
That's initially non negotiable for your friendship to continue.
I would explain gently that it's fine for you both to have other friends, relationships and hobbies outside of the friendship you and her share and that none of those things are going to stop you being friends with her.
I would not stand for any abuse what so ever, I would call her on any manipulate behaviour, point it out to her and say you recognise that is the bpd talking.
It might not always be the easiest friendship but I really believe that knowing a variety of people can be incredibly valuable for us.

1FootInTheRave · 18/04/2021 19:20

Nah, couldn't be arsed with that at all.

Sleepisoverrated150 · 18/04/2021 19:29

I wouldn’t be bothered with her as it’s too much hard work. I would phase her out, life’s too short!

However if you do stay in contact what you relied with might have triggered her ....So I replied "oh no hope you feel better soon,what's up are you being sick,I doubt the doctor can help with a upset stomach ..plenty of rest and fluids "

The I doubt the doctor can help with an upset stomach helped as it’s negative language and she might have read it as you were having a dig and meant she’s over reacting. Hence the negative reply from her.

Melodieunchained · 18/04/2021 20:33

I am in recovery f rom BPD, diagnosed almost decades ago and yes, the fear of rejection and competitive illness, needing to be the centre of attention, the sickest, etc are common symptoms. BPD can manifest in extreme neediness and push and pull behaviour. Other sufferers are the other way,, social avoidant, feel engulfed by other people.

I second the PP who says it is a maladapative coping strategy resulting from early trauma. Just like with narcissism, NPD.etc, and yes the two conditions are distinct but there is an overlap. Many of us are so full of our own chaos we have pre cious little capacity for anyone else.

She has been offered treatments and maybe has no idea how fortunate she is, took me ages to get the right help and was often treated appallingly by health professionals, many of us are.

I can sympathise with her struggle a bit also he other side of it. Since being in therapy I have been realising how much I need to work on myself and I have a few friends who also have mental health issues making them v vulnerable and I have often cared for them to detriment of my own stability. I love what a PP said about not setting yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.

Melodieunchained · 18/04/2021 20:38

@Sleepisoverrated150

I wouldn’t be bothered with her as it’s too much hard work. I would phase her out, life’s too short!

This!

Many of us have trouble with perceived invalidation or criticism. I would have had trouble with OP's comment on not needing a doctor. I doN't mean this as a nasty jibe , OP, but we BPD survivors (don't like the term sufferer) tend to be very sensitive to anything like this. Also I imagine the receptionist at the doctors would triage her symptoms accordingly. If she doesn't need dr, they will most likely tell her.

username12345T · 18/04/2021 20:40

She loves when I'm unhappy and seemed overjoyed when I got dumped

That's not a friend OP.

Original poster

samisatwat · 18/04/2021 21:14

@Melodieunchained the reason I said this about the doctor was a month ago my dad was having stomach troubles and her reaction was to scream and shout at me when I mentioned I was worried
I was told to "get a grip" and I worried over insignificant things.

OP posts:

Melodieunchained · 18/04/2021 21:18

[quote samisatwat]@Melodieunchained the reason I said this about the doctor was a month ago my dad was having stomach troubles and her reaction was to scream and shout at me when I mentioned I was worried
I was told to "get a grip" and I worried over insignificant things.
[/quote]
Wow! BPD notwithstanding that is unacceptable . Ditto the threats, screaming. part of the illness can be emotional dysregulation but she is refusing to get help and making your life unhappy.

She sounds toxic for you. I'd maybe reduce contact for a time at least. Look after you.

username12345T · 18/04/2021 21:22

[quote samisatwat]@Melodieunchained the reason I said this about the doctor was a month ago my dad was having stomach troubles and her reaction was to scream and shout at me when I mentioned I was worried
I was told to "get a grip" and I worried over insignificant things.
[/quote]
OP what is going on here? She is highly, highly abusive from your description. Why are you putting up with this behaviour?

1Morewineplease · 18/04/2021 21:33

She's not acting like a friend and you need to leave her alone. She needs to reach rock bottom in order that she realises that she really needs help.
That she is rejecting help suggests that she isn't ready for help.
Once she realises that she needs help, be there for her, if you can.

Protect yourself and cut her loose for now . You don't need this aggro.

SisterAgatha · 18/04/2021 21:38

I’d not bother tbh. I’ve let friendships go when this kind of competitive misery creeps in, or that refusal to be pleased for you which is really insidious and hurtful. I am always pleased for my friends. And if I couldn’t be, I’d be wondering why I felt like that and examining myself.

Just stop making plans, it doesn’t sound like she will contact you anyway.

Original poster

samisatwat · 18/04/2021 22:14

I'm thinking of taking a massive step back.
I can't keep dealing with all her negativity

OP posts:

username12345T · 18/04/2021 22:24

She's not 'negative' OP, being negative is being a bit of a Debbie Downer.

She's laughing and revelling in your misery and repeatedly screaming in your face. Scream in my face once, you won't see me again, I don't care who you are. She's threatening you with violence and taking money from you. Keep away from her OP. Don't take a step back, stay away.

XenoBitch · 18/04/2021 22:26

[quote samisatwat]@Melodieunchained the reason I said this about the doctor was a month ago my dad was having stomach troubles and her reaction was to scream and shout at me when I mentioned I was worried
I was told to "get a grip" and I worried over insignificant things.
[/quote]
Didn't you post in AIBU about that too? It sounds very familiar. I recall you being advised to step back then. Am sorry to read you stuck around. Your "friend" sounds terribly unhealthy for you. Friends don't scream at another for being worried.

Spidey66 · 18/04/2021 22:33

The NHS treatment for BPD is mentalisation treatment which is done on group therapy. So not wanting to socialise is not the same as going to group therapy. That's like comparing going to the pub with an NHS stopping smoking group. Theyre 2 different things.

chaosrabbitland · 18/04/2021 22:42

she sounds draining and its a one way friendship by the sound of it with it all going one way towards her , id be quietly just distancing myself from her until she was dropped , being as she cant be bothered to contact you first this should be easily done , i had a friend a bit like this , i was always ringing her , in the end i left it and didnt bother ringing her , 3 whole bloody months until i got the call , with the sad guilt tripping about had i forgotten her , i was so tempted to say yes actually i had , its still the same now , never phones me , yet if i do bother to ring her once every other month i get the noone rings me crap ,, some people are just so sunk in self pity theres no helping them

Original poster

samisatwat · 18/04/2021 22:45

@Spidey66 she was offered DBT and MBT and medication ..she's refused them all.

OP posts:

Original poster

samisatwat · 18/04/2021 22:47

@chaosrabbitland it drives me mad.
She expects me to chase after her for a conversation and if I don't she plays the "can't you be bothered to speak to me"
She sits in the house all day every day and complains about people living their life.

OP posts:

Mittens030869 · 18/04/2021 23:05

You really do need to step back from her. My ex best friend was just like this and, looking back, I can see how toxic she was. I also persevered for a long time because of her MH issues (BPD as in bi-polar), but in the end I had to back away for the sake of my own MH.

I have MH issues myself and I can see now that they’re too often used as an excuse for abusive behaviour. Our behaviour towards other people is actually a choice.

This ‘friend’ is abusing you, OP. Her having BPD doesn’t excuse this.

Melodieunchained · 19/04/2021 01:25

@Spidey66

I had Dialectical Behaviour Therapy. That involves both group and individual sessions.

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