Would you be arsed with your friend if she behaved like this?

[samisatwat]

My friend is a strange character at times.
She's always defensive,anger problems (last few years)
Anyway she's been diagnosed with BPD and she won't help herself.
She's refused medication,refused the 2 talking therapies and has told the mental health team she will wait and do group sessions after covid (probably as they aren't happening now,so good excuse not to take part )
She hates anyone getting on better than her and lately is just so negative.
She never wants to meet and go out for food or a cuppa as she says she doesn't like people (yet wants to do group sessions with people)
She loves when I'm unhappy and seemed overjoyed when I got dumped.
She never texts me first,but if I don't text her she will play the "can't be arsed to speak can you not card?"

We arranged to go into town tomorrow for lunch.
Yesterday I went out with a friend for food and cocktails and my friend posted some pics of us on social media.
I knew today she would cancel because I was out yesterday(almost like I'm not allowed out ,she's happy if I'm sat in alone)

Text her today no reply for 4 hours (shocker)
Then she responds
"I'm ill with a upset can't come tomorrow,my mum is going to ring the doctors "

So I replied "oh no hope you feel better soon,what's up are you being sick,I doubt the doctor can help with a upset stomach ..plenty of rest and fluids "

Her response "why a million questions,I'm ringing the GP as I can't help myself "

Basically she does this all the time.
Almost like punishment for me having other friends

Aibu to not even be arsed ?

Honestly, I wouldn't keep someone like that in my life. Unless they are someone I love and believe returns my love and are going through a temporary rough patch (or suffering from dementia, etc.), I don't have the patience and energy to deal with someone who seems intent on making me miserable.

It might be seen as selfish by some to "abandon" anyone who might arguably have poor MH, but the sad truth is that they can ruin the MH of those who try to help them, if they become emotional vampires or energy leeches. There are times when you have to put yourself first.

Yes I would take a massive step back. She’s clearly not going to do anything to help herself get better, like you say you’ve no idea whether she actually does have a diagnosis as it’s hard to differentiate between truth and fiction. But either way that doesn’t mean that it gives her the red light to carry on with shitty behaviour.

I think that's it,she now uses the BPD as a reason to behave shitty.
Cancel plans,speak to me like shit,treat me like shit,and be flaky ..but I can't say anything about it as it's because of her "bpd"

I've helped her out so much over the years,doing her shopping when she couldn't be bothered,buying her things when she liked something but couldn't afford it,or just listened to her problems.

Since I was out on Saturday she's been off with me.
Yet two weeks ago when I was sat crying in my pjs she was loving it.
I don't get it.

She is using you, she lives her life through you hence the distress when you are out with someone else.
I would have one last conversation with her and explain that until she is prepared to help herself with some medication I am unable to continue the friendship.
You are not responsible for her and if she chooses to sit at home all day by herself it is her own doing.

The best thing here is just to step back, telling her anything will just lead to her abusing you more . Just slowly withdraw , it might sound cruel but you need to put your own mental health here first.

I think that's it,she now uses the BPD as a reason to behave shitty
That's a dreadful thing to say. BPD does come with anger and personality issues.

One of my good friend suffers from it. I met her before her diagnosis in our early 20s and she was lovely. Then she suddenly turned into a constantly angry, always ready for a fight, agressive person and was finally diagnosed.

Yep, she was a nightmare but I knew it was her illness talking, not her. It took years to get her the right treatment. In the meantime, she attempted suicide 3 times. Finally, a new drug came out and that one worked for her. Within months she was back to her old lovely self, happy stables, married and had kids and is an example of good lifestyle and the most lively and supportive friend.

It's of course your choice to want to step away, it's hard to support a friend with BPD but please don't underestimate the impact of the illness.

@dontdisturbmenow I know that sounded bitchy but it's true.
If we had plans and I was paying for her she would be up,bright as a button in a great mood..if she had to pay for herself she would probably end up cancelling.

She isn't getting any treatment,she's refused it,yet wants to get better apparently.

[quote samisatwat]@MadMadMadamMim I've been nothing but a decent friend to her.
I've put up with her threatening to hit me,screaming in my face,not paying me back etc etc
I'm just at my limit with it all[/quote]
That's not really being a good friend, however well meaning. Someone with these behaviours needs good boundaries from you, more than tolerating their abuse.

You definitely need to step away from this relationship. You no longer like her, you're telling strangers on the internet how terrible she is, and you don't seem interested in any suggestions about why she behaves the way she does other than that she's a terrible person. I still think that if you read up about bpd it will help you get some "closure" about what's been going on, and some understanding, but that you need to disengage from her and deal with your anger about how she has behaved.

She sounds like a negative pain in the arse.

I think you've tried your best to be supportive but it can't continue at your expense. You need to put in firmer boundaries, it's very difficult because she is ill but ultimately you need to look after yourself

Friendships should make you feel good, they should add something positive to your life. Friendships are not about spending time with someone who screams in your face and rejoices over bad times in your life. Friendships are voluntary and we can both choose to be friends with someone and not be friends with someone entirely depending on how we feel. Sometimes on MN it seems like people see a friendship like serving a prison sentence. You hate it and don't want it but there is no way out. I would have ended this friendship a long time ago if I were in your position.

God I'm going to have to wade in here because all the " you have to understand she can't help it, she's ill" stuff pisses me off. And I say this as someone who has a mental illness. Of course she may not be able to control her behaviour at times. But the OP should not be made to feel guilty for how upsetting this behaviour is for her. She is a friend, she's not a therapist or a mental health professional. Being the friend of someone with a mental illness does not mean you have to accept emotional abuse from them, and suggesting it does does no-one any good. Honestly OP, step away. She's being abusive. You aren't responsible for her. And just passively accepting the way she is behaving just makes it less likely that she will seek help.

What @Theythinkitsalloveritisnow said in spades

Why would BPD make her turn nasty when I've gone out with another friend?
She doesn't want to go out so why can't I?
Not meeting up today because I went out seems pathetic.
I don't believe she was ill either.
She's made a fast recovery as she's posting constantly on Facebook today

@samisatwat

Why would BPD make her turn nasty when I've gone out with another friend? She doesn't want to go out so why can't I? Not meeting up today because I went out seems pathetic. I don't believe she was ill either. She's made a fast recovery as she's posting constantly on Facebook today

You don't like her, you've decided she's a horrible person,do her a favour and end the friendship! Or carry on looking for people to confirm how horrible she is? Not sure what you're after

Tbh, reading your initial post again, she might just really not like you. They all sound like things someone might do if they were trying to shake you off.

I know how you feel I dealt with something similar with a friend of mine. I knew she had mental health issues but I was supportive to her. I had to listen to how horrible/hard ect a, b and c was. I gave her advice on how to improve things. She refused to listen to advice. I felt after a a while that she was unable and unwilling to do things that would improve her life. I let several things go with her untill she replied to me with a nasty message.
I realised that I was their when she wanted to vent and she needed support but she was never their for me. I often remembered coming away from her been totally drained. To me freindship should be some give and take but when your doing all the giving you better off steping away from the other person.

In your case I would just step away from her because her mh issues don't excuse her nasty behaviour towards you.

@Notagain20 I don't like the person she's become.
I'm not sure many people would.

[quote samisatwat]@Notagain20 I don't like the person she's become.
I'm not sure many people would.
[/quote]
Absolutely, and it must be strange if she's changed over the time you've known her. But sounds like it's run its course

She isn't getting any treatment,she's refused it,yet wants to get better apparently.

This is where I lose any sympathy I might otherwise have had. MH issues are very hard to live with (I’m well aware of that myself) but there is help available. Refusing it means that she only has herself to blame if she drives everyone away.

@Mittens030869

*She isn't getting any treatment,she's refused it,yet wants to get better apparently.*

This is where I lose any sympathy I might otherwise have had. MH issues are very hard to live with (I’m well aware of that myself) but there is help available. Refusing it means that she only has herself to blame if she drives everyone away.

One of the worst things about bpd type behaviours is that it involves pushing people away like this. It can be a horrible thing to live with. Needs specialist support and of course there's hardly any provided because of no funds. It's horrible for people experiencing it and horrible for people trying to support them.