I’ve lost myself since having a baby

[NUFAN]

Hello,

Is this common? My DC has just turned 6 months old and I have no idea who I am anymore. No time or energy for hobbies etc, my whole life is baby, housework and general wife/mum duties.

How long does it feel like this for? When do you get to relax or do exercise or the things you enjoy, or do I just need to accept that that’s all over for a few years? It’s so tough, I don’t know who I am outside of ‘mum’.

It's fairly common. Does baby only settle for you? Do you get much of an evening? For me these were the two things that seemed to make the difference.

Very common ime. It got better for me about two and a half and then massively about five when they started school.

My DH and I had a morning "off" at the weekends each, so the other person is default parent. I wasn't breastfeeding tho. Can you go swimming or something by yourself?

For me it was 9 months when i went back to work and wasn't 'mum' all the time.

Yes, 2.5 and school. I wish I’d been better prepared for that.

The 6 month mark was my most difficult time of being a mum. Trying to entertain them when they couldn’t do much. Trying to find the energy to organise and go to classes or mummy groups where I’d have some adults to talk to. Trying to keep up with the housework and keep an eye on my baby.
My DS is 4 now and yes it gets easier and you do find yourself again. I liken it to a new job. With a new job, we don’t know the working environment, unwritten rules, or the job itself yet and it takes time to settle in. The same goes for parenting.
Ask your partner for the kind of hell that would be useful to you. Lie ins on the weekend. Looking after the baby in the eve, or weekend days for a couple of hours to allow you to do the things you want to do. And keep in your mind that this feeling is temporary. If it continues on for a long time, or you are feeling down more often than up, make a GP appointment and get checked out.

Sending remote hugs, I think people feel like this in normal times, but it’s absolutely exacerbated by the covid situation and the lack of wider support, baby groups, play dates, ability to see family etc etc... Things will get easier but in the mean time try and carve out even a few minutes to do something that feels good, a bath, 10 minutes of YouTube yoga, a quick walk down the street. I find that even 10 mins of me time and head space while dinner is cooking works well for me, and hopefully you can find something similar that will help until things start to settle down! Xx

I definitely felt like this when my dc were babies. I'm currently working full time, in uni and had a promotion in work within the last year so I feel my career is on track. I felt like my career was on te back burner but now its not. When my uni course has finished (soon) I am determined to make more time for my hobbies and myself. Dc are 7 and 9. I dont regret the sacrifices I made, or being 'mum' for a few years. It was definitely worth it for me. The baby years fly by when you look back.

I’m still in that place now and my dc are 5 and 11.
My mental health took a massive hit and I can’t see a time when I will ever feel well.

I just feel like no matter what people say about women, we have to just let go of everything and just be ‘mum’ and nothing more. When DH does take DC I feel like I have to choose what to do - sleep, clean, wash my hair. And that’s my thing for the week. There’s always so much to do related to DC that takes precedence - sorting nursery forms, sorting life insurance, the mountain of washing that never seems to go down, older relatives to call or people to message. It’s like as mums we suddenly become bottom of the ring. Some days I don’t brush my hair. DC has just started commando crawling and it’s a struggle to even get a minute to eat or brush my teeth, let alone anything else.

I am breastfeeding as DC won’t take a bottle and only settles for me.

Also, does your body every return?! I am keeping a really healthy diet but still have the belly, saddlebags And three chins I gained during pregnancy. I hate looking at myself in the mirror!

With a bottle refusing breast fed six month old things will start getting easier fairly soon. As presumably you are starting to introduce food? Give it a month or two and you won’t be their sole source of food and drink and so you can go away for a few hours without it being a problem. I found that made life a lot easier. It wasn’t that I wanted to be away for hours on end regularly - just that I felt so trapped knowing that I could never be away from my baby for 3 consecutive hours.

@Mumoftwoinprimary I think that’s part of it. You’re so tied down and I feel panicky if I even nip 15 minutes to the supermarket as I think they might decide theyre hungry and have a breakdown. There’s also the clingy stage to go through yet!

Agree with above, they will hopefully soon be getting to the point where they go longer between feeds and if they bottle refuse can start trying cups.

This is so common, you're definitely not alone. I felt better once I went back to work. I missed my DC terribly at first but it was so liberating.

My little boy is 9 months old and breastfed. I feel similar. I'm away from all my family, the in-laws are a 4 and a half hour drive away, everything is closed. DH and I are each others village, we had a cmpa baby who screamed for 14 weeks and no help. No classes, no meeting other parents and hearing "ohy eah me too, that's normal!"

It's been difficult and tough. We also moved...alone when DS was 8 months old.

What I've found important is giving each other time. Ds will only settle for me at night so DH takes him for the evening "awake phase". I get to do a quick tidy but honestly, will then sit and just watch TV for an hour. It gives me my break. I don't get to do this every evening but at least 2-3 times a week (sometimes housework / other things just need done). Then I put DS to bed and usually sleep too while husband gets his time to eat and watch ice hockey or whatever else. Housework is divided up but so long as the essentials are done( toilet, hoovering, kitchen) we let a lot of that come last.

Husband now also takes my little one for most of the weekend so I can study (finishing a master). That has made me feel more human doing something for myself. Husband gets one of the mornings to himself and he usually chooses sleep 😆

Husband and I get zero time to ourselves anymore so we really try to fit in a 20 minute coffee in the mornings when we all first wake up, and eat lunch together (he's in home office). We know this is just temporary and our relationship will get back on track eventually.

I think it could help for you to try fit in some time where baby is just with dad? I breastfeed before they go on a walk , Ds sleeps in the carrier with dad then dad brings him back and I offer milk again. It has gotten much easier since weaning as my son loves his food, you might it gets easier now too and your little one will go off with dad longer after a nice meal!

My DD is 21 months and it's only in the last couple of months that I've picked some of my hobbies back up in the evening.

I went back to work at 6 months but that didn't help me find me, I was just work me and mummy.

It isn’t an exaggeration to say having dc has ruined my life. That’s not exactly that I regret them - I wanted them desperately and would have been distraught if I’d been unable to have them. But the worry and stress and anxiety that goes with them, taken on only by me and not DH who has carried on ENTIRELY as normal. Well. I wish I’d known. I think two is too many. One I might have been ok with. It’s the constant being ‘at.’ Being interrupted. Never any time of my own. It’s just hard work and I wish I’d known before that it could make you feel so anxious every second of the day for no particular reason other than the fact the dc exist.

No I didn’t find this, I was running again after about 10 weeks and loved that time alone and I think it helped massively having me time and with a hobby I did pre baby.

The only people I know who did suffer with this in general were the martyrs who either wouldn’t or couldn’t organise equal parenting free time with their husbands.

@User7312019

No I didn’t find this, I was running again after about 10 weeks and loved that time alone and I think it helped massively having me time and with a hobby I did pre baby.

The only people I know who did suffer with this in general were the martyrs who either wouldn’t or couldn’t organise equal parenting free time with their husbands.

Oh. Well, this has made me feel like shit.

Yes, yes yes, are you going back to work? I found working pt let me feel like 'me ' again

@Suitcasegotregrets

It isn’t an exaggeration to say having dc has ruined my life. That’s not exactly that I regret them - I wanted them desperately and would have been distraught if I’d been unable to have them. But the worry and stress and anxiety that goes with them, taken on only by me and not DH who has carried on ENTIRELY as normal. Well. I wish I’d known. I think two is too many. One I might have been ok with. It’s the constant being ‘at.’ Being interrupted. Never any time of my own. It’s just hard work and I wish I’d known before that it could make you feel so anxious every second of the day for no particular reason other than the fact the dc exist.

Yep and it never ends, with teens its constant worry.

OP ignore that comment, they're just trying to stick the boot in. Equal parenting at this young age is a myth. It gets more equal later.

@User7312019

No I didn’t find this, I was running again after about 10 weeks and loved that time alone and I think it helped massively having me time and with a hobby I did pre baby.

The only people I know who did suffer with this in general were the martyrs who either wouldn’t or couldn’t organise equal parenting free time with their husbands.

ODFOD there’s no need. Op has a 6 month old ebf baby.

Op I’ve been there with both my bf’d baby. DH works away so I’m alone a lot during the week/weekend too. It’s hard, my youngest is 23 months and it’s starting to get easier again now as she’ll go off and play with her sister for a little bit or entertain herself for 10 mins etc.

Once they start weaning that helps as you can leave them for longer, try and fight the mum guilt to make some time for yourself. I find that not being in the house is the best way or get Dad to take the baby out so you can have the house. If I’m around they just want me.

You’re in the thick of it, I’ve got 2 kids, I’d love more but I absolutely cannot do the first 18 months again so two it is. But each month gets incrementally easier, my eldest is 5 now and just having her is when her sister is at nursery is so easy now.

Yes I think that’s normal. Depends how much help you’ve got to allow you to pursue your own time out of the house that brings you back to yourself I find. Determination to be you, helpful partners/ grandparents make a difference. Also depends on if you have anxieties or you’re trying to make up for your own parents lack of parenting- you might get over invested in the role at the expense of you. The latter is ok until its suddenly not and you’re kids gain independence and you’re stuck.