I’ve lost myself since having a baby

[NUFAN]

Hello,

Is this common? My DC has just turned 6 months old and I have no idea who I am anymore. No time or energy for hobbies etc, my whole life is baby, housework and general wife/mum duties.

How long does it feel like this for? When do you get to relax or do exercise or the things you enjoy, or do I just need to accept that that’s all over for a few years? It’s so tough, I don’t know who I am outside of ‘mum’.

[User7312019]

It’s not supposed to - it’s more that it’s something you have control of. Think of something you want to do separate to being a mum and then do it. There’s also plenty of people who are perfectly happy with being taken over by mum life, and that’s fine as well. It’s when you’re feeling trapped in it and it seems never ending that it’ll be hardest. Plus weaning will ramp up soon so you’ll naturally have more free time.

[Mistressinthetulips]

The first year is lovely in many ways, but also shit shit shit.
You aren't getting enough free time. I didn't get enough either, and wish I'd had a friend tell me I was entitled to time to wash each day and pursue some kind of hobby - it's not one or the other! The poster who runs probably has the right idea, as the "thing" you do for yourself needs to get you out of the house and away from any potential demands. One hour, 30 mins even will make a difference. In current situations getting out to sit in a cafe or have a walk (better now it's spring) will have been so limited for you.
A bf baby is harder too as you know they won't settle as well for anyone else. Which makes it easier to take your "me time" in shorter chunks rather than a night out. Try to make a plan. Get your dp on board (don't wait for him to offer, don't even ask. Just explain that this is what needs to happen).

[Haggisfish]

I do think you need to figure out what would help you feel more ‘you’ and try to establish a time to do that every week. For me, it was going for a walk-dh was brilliant at making sure I got that time. He went to his ‘hobby’ every single week because he knew it kept him healthy and he absolutely supported me to do the same.

[MayYouLiveInInterestingTimes]

It’s normal. And it’s shit. The only people who find otherwise are the extremely fortunate with an awful lot of support and / or money. Ignore the patronising pp who doesn’t recognise the restriction of choices most women have to live with. There was a guest post at the top of the pages until recently about “the motherhood penalty”.

[ufucoffee]

I had a night out with my friends once a week from when my children were tiny. Getting dressed up and talking about things other than babies kept me sane. Hasn't been possible lately I know due to COVID.

[NUFAN]

@User7312019 but it’s not just the run surely? It’s the getting ready, the run, the wash afterwards. DH works long hours and he’s trying to do up the house - we have jobs that cannot wait (there’s a leak and a whole area needs recladding!).

Maybe I do need to work something more out. I’ve had some time this morning (hence posting here) and I’ve cried, cleaned, had a quick shower and gotten on with some paperwork, but it just feels like there’s always something that has to be done.

[Emmacb82]

Completely understand how you feel. As a mum, sole responsibility seems to fall with you, especially when breastfeeding. The only time I would get a break would be to either sterilise bottles (he had one bottle a day) or cook dinner! So not exactly a break. But to be fair that was exacerbated by lockdowns and not being able to get out and see people as usual. My husband is a great help at home and will do a lot of the domestic stuff, but most of the childcare fell on me. I think pp’s are right in that it will get easier for you soon. Once you have weaned and baby is on solids you will have more freedom to go out and not panic about being there for a feed. But in all honesty, at 6 months you should be able to go out to a shop for longer than 15mins, even if baby does cry, they are not going to starve without a feed for a couple of hours so I think you need to feel like you can leave them with your other half to deal with for longer.
Have you got plans to go back to work at some point? As much as I hate working, it gives you your identity back and I enjoy the social side. It’s been a very lonely year for mat leave. Clubs should be opening up soon too so try and get out a bit more and chat to others mums. They will all feel the same way as you. Hang in there, it will get better.

[NUFAN]

@MayYouLiveInInterestingTimes what’s the Motherhood Penalty?

It does feel like it’s inevitable that mums lives change so dramatically and dads don’t. I go to bed when DC goes as I’m so tired, but DH is able to stay up and do things for him. Even stuff like getting to drive to and from work on his own. He can play music and relax. I’ve always got DC in my car who is crying because he hates the car. It’s stressful.

[Mistressinthetulips]

But OP there will ALWAYS be something more to do. Carving out some time for yourself needs to become non-negotiable. You having a walk for 45 mins will not prevent the house from being cladded.

[MrsToadlike]

I'm sorry OP. I remember the exact moment realising when DC was 2 days old that my old life was gone.

But...to be hopeful...once DC started sleeping through the night (which for us started around 8 months), I then had the evening from around 7 - 10pm to myself with my OH, and either we would do something together or I could do something I wanted to. And even now, that DC is nearly 2 years old, those few hours in the evening after bedtime and before my bedtime are the only time for myself in the day. And to be honest I don't see that changing until DC is at school.

And that's why I probably won't have more than 1 to be honest with you.

The motherhood penalty that a previous poster referred to is a real thing and it's crap. But it's the price I pay for having a wonderful DC. But it's crap nonetheless.

[CoffeeDay]

Absolutely true. The first year is great but shit in many aspects. I was also exclusive BFing and that takes so much energy and time out of you. I think it's easiest to accept that this is just a season of life where you are not "yourself" from before pregnancy. You will have amazing memories and experiences that you'll treasure for the rest of your life (take many pics and videos) but feeling great in your own body or when seeing your reflection in the mirror is not one of them for the time being.

Around 10month she started sleeping better so I found myself actually thinking about make-up or skincare again. I binned all the things I was still using from before pregnancy and watched some videos to get an idea of what was trendy now. It was only after she turned 2 that I finally felt more like my old self and took interest in buying clothes, painting my nails, skincare, etc. This sounds like an awfully long time but you really get used to life as "mum" and the time passes quickly.

I did notice a massive lift in my mood after I fully weaned her. Due to the constant lockdowns I ended up extensively BFing until she was 2.3. It was just before naptime and bedtime and I wanted to stop but couldn't because it worked so well to get her to sleep. BF is wonderful but it also makes you lose sense of yourself. I'm glad I did it but even more glad I stopped

[Xmassprout]

I felt like this with my eldest and my mental health really struggled because of it. With my youngest I knew I had to do things differently.

You have to prioritise yourself sometimes. It can be really hard to leave your baby, especially when EBF. But if you have a competent adult around to look after them, they will be fine. I found leaving my baby to be the hardest thing. Start small, go out for a nice walk for half hour on your own. You don't have to go far, just a slow mooch to get some fresh air. Feed baby, settle them, and just get out the house. Such a small thing can really make you worry, but your baby will be fine.

My youngest is 18 months and is a bit of a velcro baby so I know how hard it is. I still get mum guilt now when I leave the house without her. Sometimes I sacrifice the housework so I can have some me time. If you hoover every day, will it really hurt to miss a day so you can go out on your own for half an hour? Will you run out of clothes if the washing isn't done right away? Sometimes if I'm not working, I will do some exercise in the morning and won't get to shower until a couple of hours later because of the children. Is it ideal? Definitely not! But I still feel better for it. Sometimes I have to get up really early or stay up really late to get my exercise done. But If I do that then I tend to nap when the children nap. That has knock on effect on the housework. So I find I'm always having to prioritise or sacrifice something, but sometimes you do have to be that priority

[Merename]

Definitely know the feelings you are describing, and I think they do relate a lot to breastfeeding and that way of mothering. Ultimately I believe that is best for babies but I also understand user’s point about martyrdom. I had so many breastfeeding issues and it impacted on the family so much - DH struggled with all the support I wanted in relation to it, as he saw it as my choice to bf so I needed to accept the consequences. At the time I thought he was a fucking cold arsehole! And there was a bit of that but also I was a martyr and I’m not sure it was best for my baby that I was so unhappy with my lot but pushing on through.

I don’t know. I hope the point I am making makes sense? Now my children are a little older, I can see more that me having a bit more boundaries around myself and my needs, helps them, as I’m not struggling with resentment to DH or them about my unmet needs.

All that said though - I’d breastfeed again - it is part of my picture of mothering and I don’t regret it. But I think you should be stricter with yourself about your free time. Try not to clean etc. If you need to use it for a shower - see that as a pleasure and take a long one you can’t normally have, put cream on etc. Yes the body does change. I found closer to a year PP feeling more like myself. Sending solidarity

[TeaTimeReader]

Your so right women’s lives change so much more than Men’s...
Tell your husband that you need a shower every morning before he goes to work and you will be having one at 7 (as an example) and he needs to look after baby. You need to start the day fresh and I bet he doesn’t ask permission to have a shower, neither should you! If the baby cries a little so be it, it can be the start of dad learning how to settle baby in his own way and paves the way to start sharing the load as baby gets older and can be away from you longer.

Also I know it’s hard in Covid times but try to prioritise things that make you feel more like you.. if you know baby does a consistent 4hrs sleep at the start of the night and you usually sleep then - try and break it up and go meet a friend in a local pub for a drink. You may miss out on a couple hours sleep but as the old saying goes sometimes a change is as good as a rest.
It does get easier as they get older but hopefully you can reclaim some small parts of the day with a little effort to make you few more like you!

[CuriousSeal]

I think the problem here is that your DH is renovating a house to be honest. If he wasn't doing this then he would be able to help more with the baby. I have a 5mo OP and my DH is still doing DIY on the weekends a year later than we planned. It's his own fault though as he had plenty of time to get it done while I was pregnant but chose not to. I insist on going for runs mainly on weekday evenings as my 'me' time anyway. Just because your DH is busy doesn't mean that you're not. You both deserve down time.

[linerforlife]

Mine is 10 months and BF too. I can now put her down for her morning nap at 9am and she doesn't need me until she needs putting down again at 2pm. It's awesome 😀 My DH has her on the weekends for one of the mornings and I can go to the gym or whatever. I am starting to feel I have more freedom and more "me" time. Hang on in there! Also it's been v hard being a new mum during lockdown and only those of us who have done it know how isolating it has been. Baby classes can start now - get to some for some moral support.

[roarfeckingroarr]

Hi OP, my baby turned six months yesterday. I've found getting out every day has been key to feeling good again. I take baby out for about 10km of walking every day and I leave him (also breast fed, bottle refuser) with DH to swim a couple of times a week, which is great for head space but also means I have my body back.

I meet with friends most days during the week - previously for walks or to have a chilly glass of wine in a beaker while walking - and have spent every afternoon with different people in a beer garden or cafe this week. Do you have friends from antenatal classes or who don't work that you could have some adult conversation with?

I hope you feel better soon. What part of the UK are you in?

[MayYouLiveInInterestingTimes]

This is the guest post about the motherhood penalty that I was thinking of. If you search mumsnet you’ll find other references to it. It is a known issue, and in Britain particularly no one who has power to do so has any interest in trying to improve matters. Women’s rights seem to be going backwards.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/guest_posts/4192666-Guest-post-The-truth-about-the-motherhood-penalty-and-how-to-fix-it

On the plus side, things do gradually improve as dc become more independent.

[Hfjshdhs]

What has worked for us has been to divide the weekend into quarters, and we both get a quarter each to do what we want to do. My six month old is formula fed so appreciate that makes it a lot easier, but as your baby is weaned make sure you are carving out time for yourself.

With a six month old and a 3 year old I go to the gym twice a week (after they are in bed), and do one long run a week (during my weekend slot), and have one lie in at the weekend. It’s kept me sane.

You’ll get back there, sooner than you think.

[DrinkFeckArseBrick]

Hi OP

I think breastfeeding has a lot to do with jt, it's the psychological pressure of being the only one who can feed your baby and you feel you've got to be close to them. But if your baby is 6 months they will be starting to eat and in a few months there will be less feeds and more of a routine. I found at this age I was feeding on a schedule, I tried to feed at the same times every day and nap times the same every day then at least I knew when was 'safe' to go out. I felt a lot more like my old self in stages. First when the baby slept through the night. We accidentally night weaned at 7 months because I hurt my back and my husband had to go in and try and settle the baby before giving them to me to feed (the second time we had an awful sleeper and sleep trained) and not being knackered the whole time and having your evenings back because you dont need to rush to bed to catch up on sleep.
Going back to work made me feel a lot like my old self again, I didnt realise it at the time because it was a wrench leaving the baby but afterwards I was so glad I did it.
Lastly stopping breastfeeding (18 or 20 months or so) really helped and I wished I'd done it earlier, I felt like my body was my own again.
Have you considered sharing maternity leave? I'd recommend it to anyone who doesnt want to be the 'default' parent. We split it 10 months and 2 months.
Lastly have you told your husband you're struggling with this? Maybe you should speak to him and he should so his share of admin such as nursery booking etc. He probably has the same break at a lunchtime as you get when the baby naps

[DrinkFeckArseBrick]

It's hard to find the motivation and energy for hobbies but see if you can take an hour or so just to read in the garden or something

[georgarina]

This is temporary!

Having a baby is a huge, overwhelming change, and I remember feeling like I'd lost myself. But it gets a lot easier. You'll feel like yourself again.

[georgarina]

Can you get your partner or someone else to watch your baby while you relax/go to an exercise class/meet a friend for coffee?

[user1493413286]

I found it much better around 11 months when I went back to work and had a bit of me back outside of being a mum. I felt a bit more on top of things and happy to go out with friends without my baby

[Notworking123]

I'm self employed and never really took any meaningful maternity leave for any of my 3. It was hectic and chaotic and HARD, but I'm so glad now that I did it that way now. I work from home around them so have had plenty of bonding time, but having the pressure at night to work has meant I've never felt I've lost myself. Get back to work, or get a hobby you have to dedicate yourself to. My kids all mix fed with BF and bottle, it worked well for us as I could ditch them for me/hobby time. Claim yourself and your time, don't martyr yourself to motherhood.