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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

NDN - how she screams at her children

102 replies

PoppyWoods · 17/04/2021 18:12

I live in a semi. NDN are young couple with a 4 and 2 year old. I appreciate these ages can be difficult, stressful and tiring but on a daily basis we hear mum screaming at the top of her voice. She's not fussy who she screams at, could be her husband, kids or dog. Often we can't hear what the commotion is about and it's usually over in a few minutes.

Anyway today I was in our bathroom upstairs (our bathrooms are next to each other) windows open and I heard a commotion next door. It appears that the 4 year old wet herself and she was taking her to the bathroom to get cleaned up. She was screaming and calling her 'a stupid bitch' while the girl was wailing loudly.

But the thing that shocked me the most was that within 5 minutes I could hear the little girl in the bath giggling and laughing. Mum was playing with her and singing songs to her. The speed from screaming and wailing to giggling and singing was incredible.

AIBU to think its sad that this child is so used to being shouted at that she recovers so quickly? If anyone spoke to me that way it would take me ages to recover.

OP posts:
Cam2020 · 18/04/2021 00:01

Who the hell calls a 4 year old stupid, let alone a bitch? I know kids can push our buttons and it's been a trying year but that's just awful and heartbreaking.

BluebelllsRosesDaffodills · 18/04/2021 00:41

To the PPs that have reported people like this before, what do the social services actually do?

BluebelllsRosesDaffodills · 18/04/2021 00:42

@Pebbledashery

The stupid bitch bit is horrific.. But, I will.. You don't know her situation, whether she's had to deal with PND or any kind of mental health related trauma. I wouldn't report her to the police, I would definitely be picking up the phone to children's services though and highlighting you're worried and that you think she might need some help.
That’s not an excuse for child abuse
Happycat1212 · 18/04/2021 00:53

This is very interesting as there was a thread on here the other day where a mum admitting to shouting and throwing things when her baby cried as she couldn’t handle it and everyone said it was normal and not abusive and she got nothing but support now on this thread everyone is saying it is abusive to shout? Confused

DifficultBloodyWoman · 18/04/2021 05:04

daily basis
screaming
at the top of her voice
screaming
calling her 'a stupid bitch'
wailing loudly

Report. For all the reasons you have listed above.

If she is a good parent, social services won’t do anything. If she is a bad parent, social services might be able to help her with parenting classes etc.

Hm2020 · 18/04/2021 06:35

I actually don’t think little bitch is the concerning part I think the more concerning part is screaming at a child for accidentally wetting them that if a regular thing is really quite abusive and it’s something I read in a lot of abuse cases. Not sure I’d report for one comment maybe the mother just snapped and now feels awful as you said you’ve never heard anything Abusive this long I’d keep an eye out. Also did a pp actually say one of the reasons she reported her neighbours was because they ate too many takeaways Hmm

Tossblanket · 18/04/2021 06:59

I mean, she's not winning my personal Mother of the Year award

Calling a 4 year old a stupid bitch for wetting herself.

No shit.

It's child abuse whatever way you want to wrap it up.

provencegal · 18/04/2021 07:43

Normal family noise is expected, if you actually heard the words 'stupid bitch' and you are 100% sure that is not okay.

provencegal · 18/04/2021 07:44

To me it sounds like the mother isn't coping very well, maybe mental health problems, at the end of her tether, burnt out from lockdown. Either way some gentle support is clearly what is needed here.

Landlubber2019 · 18/04/2021 08:17

This is very interesting as there was a thread on here the other day where a mum admitting to shouting and throwing things when her baby cried as she couldn’t handle it and everyone said it was normal and not abusive and she got nothing but support now on this thread everyone is saying it is abusive to shout? confused

It's not unusual for parents to shout at kids. But I think the level of shouting and context is important. But that is different to using derogatory name calling when angry!

I also see that if people open threads on their behaviour, recognise what's going on and want change , this is very different to someone posting concerns about others. In this instance their is no recognition by the shouter to change and that is the difference!

SnuggyBuggy · 18/04/2021 08:28

I agree that I hope if ss are involved the family can be offered real support though in reality I imagine there isn't a lot of that available.

JesusInTheCabbageVan · 18/04/2021 09:03

@Happycat1212

This is very interesting as there was a thread on here the other day where a mum admitting to shouting and throwing things when her baby cried as she couldn’t handle it and everyone said it was normal and not abusive and she got nothing but support now on this thread everyone is saying it is abusive to shout? Confused
If it's the thread I read, then it was a one-off incident, the mum went into the other room first, and it was a baby involved. And the mum was mortified. We've all been there.

Completely different scenario, which is why the responses were different.

If someone started a thread saying that they screamed at their 4yo daily and called her a stupid bitch, I assure you that most people would be capable of recognising that it was abusive. The ones who don't are probably abusers themselves.

rawlikesushi · 18/04/2021 09:13

This is abusive and must be awful for the children, but it doesn't get anywhere near the threshold for ss involvement unfortunately.

Despite this, I would want to do something. You could try letting her know that you can hear her - ask if everything is ok because it sounded like she'd had a stressful morning, or similar. For some people, realising that they were heard and how they must have sounded, can lead to an improvement.

If not, I would report to ss. Most likely they won't do anything. If they do, it will be a single conversation that might provoke an improvement, or they might just move away from what they consider to be nosy, interfering neighbours and continue as they are, but I would have to do something. If there are more reports from elsewhere in the future, there is a picture building. In this scenario, be prepared for them working out that it was you who reported them though.

Original poster
PoppyWoods · 18/04/2021 09:29

@BluebelllsRosesDaffodills

To the PPs that have reported people like this before, what do the social services actually do?
I'd like to know this too.

If I report then she'll 100% know it's me. There is no other house the other side of them, it's the end of a road.

The other shouting I hear could be directed at husband or dog, not necessarily the 4yo.

The consensus seems to be report, but it's unclear what, if anything, will actually happen.

OP posts:
Dnadoon · 18/04/2021 09:53

Stupid bitch does hear more aggressive than say...little shit, little bugger, daft cow, not that calling your 4 your old those names are brilliant Its the aggression in the tone of voice OP that only you heard. Go with your instincts.

Jennifer2021 · 18/04/2021 10:11

Is she otherwise a nice mum/neighbour?

This is one of the things that stops people reporting a lot if the person is otherwise nice. Thing is though they're not being nice to the DCs are they? The calling the child a stupid bitch for having an accident raises emotionally abusive flags to me. My NDN is exactly the same. Screaming at the young kids all day and name-calling. They're a Foster carer...

2here1coming · 18/04/2021 10:13

@withpeaceandlove

I would be very shocked if social services did anything about this in regular times, let alone now when they're stretched to their limits - I'm not saying it's right but it's the reality of it. Tbh I was like this for a while (minus the swearing) I would lose my temper and scream and shout and then feel awful and ashamed and try to make up for it with cuddles and playing. I was on the absolute edge with mental health and I desperately needed support and, in the end, medication. If my neighbour had made any kind of passive aggressive comments about my parenting I think it would have broken me, so please don't do that. I don't know what you can do really but I just wanted to offer a different perspective, she may not be an awful, evil person and a terrible mother, she might just need help and support.
Yes, I second this.

I have (regrettably) been that shouty mum when I was on my knees with PND and PTSD. I would have never called my child a 'stupid bitch' but there were occasions I'm sure you would have judged me quite harshly for my lack of patience and emotional control.

If you are friendly with her then why not ask if she's ok? You've overheard some of the commotion and you wanted to ask whether there's anything you can do to help. That alone, I feel, would probably be enough to make her stop and think.

scotsllb · 18/04/2021 10:16

@Jennifer2021

Is she otherwise a nice mum/neighbour?

This is one of the things that stops people reporting a lot if the person is otherwise nice. Thing is though they're not being nice to the DCs are they? The calling the child a stupid bitch for having an accident raises emotionally abusive flags to me. My NDN is exactly the same. Screaming at the young kids all day and name-calling. They're a Foster carer...

A foster carer screaming abuse and name calling all day ? That's disgusting I couldn't couldn't sit back on that. Someone who has chosen to get paid to take care of vulnerable children who have been removed from abusive environments. I hope she isn't a foster carer for long
SE13Mummy · 18/04/2021 10:31

You've got choices about how to respond to this but turning a blind eye isn't one of them. If the NDN is someone you get on with, you could pop over, say you heard lots of shouting and wondered if there's something you could do to help e.g. take the children to the park for a bit, go for a walk with NDN so she's got someone to chat to etc.
If you don't know them well enough to chat to, or don't have the confidence to offer, you could contact the child's school/nursery (if known) and share your concern with their designated safeguarding lead. As both children are under five you could get in touch with the local health visiting team and share your concern with them. An alternative would be to contact the police or children's services and raise concern about the children's welfare or to report via the NSPCC - it's possible to do so anonymously online, by email or on the phone. The website explains what will happen.

GreyhoundG1rl · 18/04/2021 11:14

@Jennifer2021

Is she otherwise a nice mum/neighbour?

This is one of the things that stops people reporting a lot if the person is otherwise nice. Thing is though they're not being nice to the DCs are they? The calling the child a stupid bitch for having an accident raises emotionally abusive flags to me. My NDN is exactly the same. Screaming at the young kids all day and name-calling. They're a Foster carer...

This is a very odd post. Nice?? Why haven't you reported this woman?
Happycat1212 · 18/04/2021 12:06

If it's the thread I read, then it was a one-off incident, the mum went into the other room first, and it was a baby involved. And the mum was mortified. We've all been there.

It wasn’t a one off, she literally said in her op it’s happened a few times, we’ve not all been there I’ve never shouted and threw things because my baby was crying. Maybe this woman is at the end of her tether and struggling as well?

username12345T · 18/04/2021 13:37

I didn't know my neighbours, so I can only piece together what happened from noticing changes after my report to child social services.

I contacted CSS and made a report.
Within a week, the children had been removed from the property. The couple were still there.
After about three months, the children were returned but the mother was not in the property, just the husband.
After about six to eight months, the family were back together as one family but there was no more shouting or swearing at the children.

Pebbledashery · 18/04/2021 13:44

Social services will just help her. I've reported a neighbour to SS before for repeatedly screaming and shouting at their children.. I did it via the nspcc. I think they ended up offering parenting classes and early help intervention. There was a dramatic improvement after and I don't regret it. I wouldn't have called the police. What can the police do, they'll only refer it onto child protection anyway.

Goshitstricky · 18/04/2021 13:50

I reported my neighbour for similar when I moved out to house, I couldn't bare hearing her scream at the kids and call her toddlers 'filthy c*nts' every five minutes, there was never any snap back to laughing and giggling though. Sad

I found out recently they got evicted and now once again live in the same area as me, she's carrying her 5th child now and I feel so sad for those kids. Sad

Bumblebee1980a · 18/04/2021 13:54

This needs reporting. It's abusive.

The children need someone to speak out for them as they can't.

Contact social services. It will be anonymous.

Poor little girl as if wetting herself wasn't embarrassing enough for her. 🥺