NDN - how she screams at her children

[PoppyWoods]

I live in a semi. NDN are young couple with a 4 and 2 year old. I appreciate these ages can be difficult, stressful and tiring but on a daily basis we hear mum screaming at the top of her voice. She's not fussy who she screams at, could be her husband, kids or dog. Often we can't hear what the commotion is about and it's usually over in a few minutes.

Anyway today I was in our bathroom upstairs (our bathrooms are next to each other) windows open and I heard a commotion next door. It appears that the 4 year old wet herself and she was taking her to the bathroom to get cleaned up. She was screaming and calling her 'a stupid bitch' while the girl was wailing loudly.

But the thing that shocked me the most was that within 5 minutes I could hear the little girl in the bath giggling and laughing. Mum was playing with her and singing songs to her. The speed from screaming and wailing to giggling and singing was incredible.

AIBU to think its sad that this child is so used to being shouted at that she recovers so quickly? If anyone spoke to me that way it would take me ages to recover.

[JesusInTheCabbageVan]

Really disturbing to hear all the people minimising abuse in this thread.

OP has described daily screaming, and calling a small child a stupid bitch. She was already on the fence about taking action, and now it looks like you've talked her out of it. Fucking well done you.

[zoemum2006]

Swearing at your children is disgusting.

Horrible nasty woman.

[Pebbledashery]

The stupid bitch bit is horrific.. But, I will.. You don't know her situation, whether she's had to deal with PND or any kind of mental health related trauma. I wouldn't report her to the police, I would definitely be picking up the phone to children's services though and highlighting you're worried and that you think she might need some help.

[Crazybunnylady123]

Yeh. When my almost 4 year old wet herself I picked her up and got her washed cuddling her telling her accidents happen. Not screaming insulting names at her! That’s not a normal reaction.

[withpeaceandlove]

I would be very shocked if social services did anything about this in regular times, let alone now when they're stretched to their limits - I'm not saying it's right but it's the reality of it.
Tbh I was like this for a while (minus the swearing) I would lose my temper and scream and shout and then feel awful and ashamed and try to make up for it with cuddles and playing. I was on the absolute edge with mental health and I desperately needed support and, in the end, medication. If my neighbour had made any kind of passive aggressive comments about my parenting I think it would have broken me, so please don't do that. I don't know what you can do really but I just wanted to offer a different perspective, she may not be an awful, evil person and a terrible mother, she might just need help and support.

[toocold54]

I’d keep an eye on it.
Some parents are very shouty and it doesn’t seem the kid was traumatised by it but it is not acceptable to say stupid bitch. It may have been a one off outburst but if it’s not I’d consider recording it and asking the NSPCC for advice.

[Shelovesamystery]

I'm a shouter. I try so hard not to be but sometimes it's a knee jerk reaction to something one of them has done or the toddler has just not stopped causing mischief all day and I'm exhausted and have nothing left I do shout quite badly. And then I feel guilty so I try to make them laugh and smile and happy. So I can kind of understand the scenario that you describe.

But calling your child a stupid bitch is crossing a line! Even in my most "absolutely lost my shit" moments I just couldn't do that. Put that together with the fact that you hear the mum constantly screaming as opposed to losing her temper a couple of times a week and I'd say this warrants a call to SS.

[TabbyStar]

Some parents are very shouty and it doesn’t seem the kid was traumatised by it

You really can't tell this. Kids will behave in a way that makes their parents be nice to them. This exacerbates the trauma rather than indicates there isn't any.

[Pebbledashery]

I'm a shouter..I'm a single parent and my daughters useless dad has no involvement in her life.. But I could be at my absolute limit... And I would NEVER EVER call my daughter a stupid bitch :( it actually breaks my heart to know that calling her daughter that, and her daughter not understanding... But as I said, she doesn't need the police, she needs help managing boundaries with her children and how she reacts to situations.. I would call nspcc anonymously if you don't want to call the local authority.

[Russell19]

I'm really surprised that people are minimising this behaviour due to pnd or other mental health problems. It may be an explanation for the behaviour but in no way does it make it acceptable.

[colouringindoors]

That is abuse. Please report it.

[Sometimeswinning]

I'm guessing ss wont touch this. Those years are the worst! I remember crying with 2 under 4 and pregnant! It's not set me up for the mum I am.

[colouringindoors]

They may well not touch it. But it will be recorded. Which could be helpful for the children in the future.

[Disabrie22]

It’s not on to call a four year old a stupid bitch - I would report it to social services.

[colouringindoors]

Crying and shouting..... NOT the same as calling your child a bitch, probably, more than once.

[ConeHat]

If you scream and shout and tell your kid she is a stupid bitch, you grow up to feel forever stupid and worthless. Believe me. I wish more people reported my mum when I was a kid.

[PoppyWoods]

I am honestly torn about this.

They seem such a lovely family, they play a lot in the garden with the children who seem happy, confident and relaxed. And although we hear shouting, until today we never heard the words (Apart from the occasional 'shut up')

I'm certain I heard those words, I heard the whole conversation. The little girl was telling her mum that 'her knickers got stuck' and that's why she had the accident.

I can't stop thinking about her.

[SeaTurtles92]

Oh no I don't like this.
Why would she call her a stupid bitch for wetting herself. I get people shout but there is a fine line and being abusive to a 4 year old is horrendous.

[IdblowJonSnow]

I personally would report this.

[ichundich]

I think the screaming isn't ideal, but calling your daughter a "stupid bitch"?! Very concerning.

[GreyhoundG1rl]

@tolerable

stupid bitch is..excessive. however..........if shed yelled diddledumpling or sthin..
would you be concerned. id be more inclined to stick my neck out n say to her. I hear you swearing at your kids, try not to .

What does this even mean?

[scotsllb]

You said you heard her screaming at everyone in her house all the time to saying they are a lovely family and this kids are relaxed and happy.
Screaming at everyone all the time doesn't sound lovely to me. Are you hearing shouting that comes with having a bit of a chaotic household?
The scene you heard is awful but maybe she was having a really bad day and was a one off ( not excusing her as the name calling is bad but we have all had crap parenting moments)
and she maybe feels horrible for it and they are happily playing shortly after.

[DazzlingHaze]

My mum shouted at me like this and often hit me right up until I was about 15. It's the way she shouted and the things she shouted that have stayed with me more than the physical violence. I was so scared of her and can still remember how I felt when I would see the switch flip in her that changed her from my nice mum to the woman screaming she hated me, calling me a cunt etc. Please report this.

[Adifferentstory2]

Absolutely not ok to call a child (especially a 4 year old) a stupid bitch. I have a 4 year old and have once called her something mean (maybe a stupid girl or something similar) - it was an awful thing to do in a heated moment, I regretted it immediately, apologised and we talked about why it was wrong. So I’m no saint and wouldn’t concern myself with parents having cross words or being mildly inappropriate on occasion (we’re only human). But screaming, regularly and making a child wail - absolutely not and it needs reporting (anonymously if needed). The child will end up (if not already) as an anxious, people pleaser who doesn’t have control of their own emotions, or recognise healthy and unhealthy behaviour. Awful for them short, medium and long term. Please report your concerns.