AIBU?
DS’s dad - finally done with his ****
Charsee01 · 17/04/2021 12:54
Hi all, I’ll try keep this short. I have a DS who is 10 with an ex. We split when I was pregnant so a long time ago. I’ve been with dp since DS was very small and we also have Dd together.
Anyway, DS’s dad. I’m sick of him, his behaviour and how he just picks and chooses when he sees DS. Never any consistency!
I could have written this post several years ago. I probably have somewhere but I’ve got to the point I feel like I can’t go on with it.
^^now I would never stop DS seeing his dad ofc. But it’s got to the point DS doesn’t even want to see him.
He picks and chooses when he sees him. There is no routine or consistency. His dad works 5 days a week but that’s not an excuse. He lives a few few miles away.
I’ve lost count how many times he’s said I’ll see him Saturday (for example) and he never turns up, not even a text or phone call to let us know. He’s told us he’ll take him out for tea and again he doesn’t turn up. Tells him he’ll just come over and see him but guess what? He never turns up. Even on the times he turns up he’ll be late etc. Or he’ll make plans and change them. Often he’s told DS he’ll take him somewhere (mainly before covid). DS has got excited and it never happens. I have to pick up the pieces.
He actually seen him last week. Said he’ll see him again this week in the morning (today) and guess what? Nothing! So annoyed as I honestly thought he’d turn up (silly me). We’ve wasted a whole half a day waiting around. We needed to g9 b&q but was putting it off til later. Won’t have time now as wanted to watch the funeral this afternoon.
I feel like it’s always on his means. In the last he has said he’s needed to ask his partner what she was doing before making plans with DS - he can’t fully blame his partner though as this was going on way before he was with her).
It’s like a bleddy guessing game and I’m sick
Of it. Can never get hold of him either.
I feel done. We’ve spent so many weekends waiting in for him to turn up and I can’t do it anymore. I want to be able to wake up on a Saturday and think we can just go out without worrying about DS’s dad.
It’s sod law. The times I think he will actually turn up - he doesn’t! And when he does turn up it’s the days we have plans.
Aibu to tell him he either bucks up or doesn’t bother at all? Summer soon, restrictions easing and we don’t want to spend our lives living by my ex and whether he turns up or not.
Tell him that it needs to be a set time, place and day or let us know in advance.
To make it worse my ex thinks he’s great because he pays for him. He does actually pay for him but I feel he uses the ‘I pay for him’ as an excuse not to see him much.
Am I being unreasonable?
AIBUYou have one vote. All votes are anonymous.
MatildaTheCat · 17/04/2021 13:02
Awful behaviour to keep disappointing a little boy. It must be so damaging for his confidence and self esteem.
I would definitely write telling him that plans must be definite and confirmed and if he doesn’t stick to them or communicate any real emergency that delays him then contact will cease.
I’m amazed you’ve allowed this to go on for so long. Protect your son from him. I guess he might step up but probably not. It’s quite abusive.
BrumBoo · 17/04/2021 13:51
You need to have formal contact in place. He is a father, he doesn't get to pick and choose convenience. Using his partner as an excuse is pathetic.
However, am I reading your OP correctly, @Charsee01? Are you and your son actually going to miss an afternoon out at a bbq because of the funeral on TV? That's rather ridiculous in itself..
TheOneWithTheBigNose · 17/04/2021 13:56
@BrumBoo
However, am I reading your OP correctly, *@Charsee01*? Are you and your son actually going to miss an afternoon out at a bbq because of the funeral on TV? That's rather ridiculous in itself..
It is B&Q rather than a BBQ I think but I agree... a bit crazy.
BrumBoo · 17/04/2021 14:15
@Charsee01
Thankfully iPlayer is now a thing. I'm sure it won't be spoilered if you watch it later, and your son can at least get out this afternoon instead of moaning over his useless dad.
Its a lovely day, no one needs to be stuck indoors because someone's very elderly husband died last week.
EThreepwood · 17/04/2021 14:27
My eldest is 10 and sees her dad around once every 4-6 weeks. He lives a 15-20 minute drive away. I don't contact him anymore she has her own mobile to text him and arrange when she wants to see him. I've never stopped her seeing him but might move it to the next available weekday if we have plans.
You just need some ground rules in place. Never tell your DS he's coming (unless your Ex mentions it). He won't get disappointed if he doesn't turn up or have a nice surprise if he does.
Make a time limit, tell your Ex and stick with it. Either an hour after the time you arranged or noon whatever is up to you.
There's no point wasting your days and efforts on a man who shown his true colours. It was a lot better for me when I accepted I was looking after my children 24/7 while he paid CM. Just because I liked spending time with them and it was a consistent thing. I think it's much easier being indifferent towards them they ain't going to change and it's not our job to change them.
Ohdoleavemealone · 17/04/2021 14:43
@EThreepwood
You just need some ground rules in place. Never tell your DS he's coming (unless your Ex mentions it). He won't get disappointed if he doesn't turn up or have a nice surprise if he does.
Make a time limit, tell your Ex and stick with it. Either an hour after the time you arranged or noon whatever is up to you.
There's no point wasting your days and efforts on a man who shown his true colours. It was a lot better for me when I accepted I was looking after my children 24/7 while he paid CM. Just because I liked spending time with them and it was a consistent thing. I think it's much easier being indifferent towards them they ain't going to change and it's not our job to change them.
I agree with this. I would arrange things for times that give you flexibility too. So either 10am or 1pm for example. If he turns up or not you have a half day to get stuff done without wondering if and when he will show.
PlanetMJ · 17/04/2021 14:59
Could you tell him that he needs to agree in advance with you a set date and time. You will wait in for 20 minutes after that time and if he doesn't show up and you don't hear from him then you will be carrying on with your day and the visit is off.
Make it clear that his behaviour is damaging DS emotionally so as a good parent you will need to protect him and the next time he makes arrangements and doesn't show will be the last time you willow DS to be treated this way. He will then need to take legal action which will require him to explain his behaviour to the courts and why having access to DS is positive for him.
He also needs to be told in no uncertain terms that paying for DS does not give him the right to pick him up and drop him like a toy. Geez men like this make me bloody furious.
georgarina · 17/04/2021 15:01
I would just not go out of my way for any agreed visit - only agree if you're going to be around anyway, if he's late then go out and have the rest of your day and let him be put out.
Other option is to drop contact until you get a court ordered visitation schedule which might be useful too.
B33Fr33 · 17/04/2021 15:07
I really feel for yours, mine, all kids in this scenario. They would probably be far better off without these constant let downs. It really hammers away at their self esteem. Over and over again a parent is demonstrating their child is worth less than whatever waste of time they've chosen to do instead.
I've said as much to my ex. He doesn't get what its done. One of my children is hugely angry and insecure, I am sure it plays into it.
I definitely go with above. Have alternative plans in place wherever possible. Give a twenty minute window then crack on as though he doesn't exist. My eldest rarely chooses to see her dad now. Because she's always got "something more fun" it's very cats in the cradle. The ex fumes at me and I say it's just not my problem.
Starborn · 17/04/2021 15:14
Can you not collect/deliver your son for visits?
I'd be keeping a diary of all these agreed dates he's let down your son.
I think it's fair to wait half an hour, or an hour if he's phoned to say he's running late, but not the whole morning. It's reasonable to say, "Well, I'm going out at half past, so remember if you turn up after that, you'll have to miss out because we won't be here." (and then stay in to see if he lies about arriving late!)
But it does sound like your lives have both moved on, and perhaps longer visits less often would be better for everyone?
Baker90 · 17/04/2021 15:16
Stop waiting around for him. Make him available for set times etc. So every Saturday at 10am. If he's not there by 10.30 get on with your day. Don't mention it to your son so he's not disappointed too.
This way your not stopping him seeing him but not disappointing your DS too. If he wants to go to mediation and court he can do so but he's unlikely to bother.
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