DS’s dad - finally done with his ****

[Charsee01]

Hi all, I’ll try keep this short. I have a DS who is 10 with an ex. We split when I was pregnant so a long time ago. I’ve been with dp since DS was very small and we also have Dd together.

Anyway, DS’s dad. I’m sick of him, his behaviour and how he just picks and chooses when he sees DS. Never any consistency!

I could have written this post several years ago. I probably have somewhere but I’ve got to the point I feel like I can’t go on with it.

^^now I would never stop DS seeing his dad ofc. But it’s got to the point DS doesn’t even want to see him.

He picks and chooses when he sees him. There is no routine or consistency. His dad works 5 days a week but that’s not an excuse. He lives a few few miles away.

I’ve lost count how many times he’s said I’ll see him Saturday (for example) and he never turns up, not even a text or phone call to let us know. He’s told us he’ll take him out for tea and again he doesn’t turn up. Tells him he’ll just come over and see him but guess what? He never turns up. Even on the times he turns up he’ll be late etc. Or he’ll make plans and change them. Often he’s told DS he’ll take him somewhere (mainly before covid). DS has got excited and it never happens. I have to pick up the pieces.

He actually seen him last week. Said he’ll see him again this week in the morning (today) and guess what? Nothing! So annoyed as I honestly thought he’d turn up (silly me). We’ve wasted a whole half a day waiting around. We needed to g9 b&q but was putting it off til later. Won’t have time now as wanted to watch the funeral this afternoon.

I feel like it’s always on his means. In the last he has said he’s needed to ask his partner what she was doing before making plans with DS - he can’t fully blame his partner though as this was going on way before he was with her).

It’s like a bleddy guessing game and I’m sick
Of it. Can never get hold of him either.

I feel done. We’ve spent so many weekends waiting in for him to turn up and I can’t do it anymore. I want to be able to wake up on a Saturday and think we can just go out without worrying about DS’s dad.

It’s sod law. The times I think he will actually turn up - he doesn’t! And when he does turn up it’s the days we have plans.

Aibu to tell him he either bucks up or doesn’t bother at all? Summer soon, restrictions easing and we don’t want to spend our lives living by my ex and whether he turns up or not.

Tell him that it needs to be a set time, place and day or let us know in advance.

To make it worse my ex thinks he’s great because he pays for him. He does actually pay for him but I feel he uses the ‘I pay for him’ as an excuse not to see him much.

[Charsee01]

Thanks all. I’m not bothered either way if DS sees his dad or not. I never tell DS if he is coming or not but quite often his dad will ring to tell DS he’ll see him and he doesn’t. Or he will see him and he’ll arrange something with DS and it never happens. I’m just sick of it tbh. I’m not spending Saturdays waiting in for the rest of the summer. I like to go out first thing when it’s quiet and waiting around to see if his dad shows drives me mad. I had some serious words with his dad last year. I’d got to the end of my tether and couldn’t bite my lip anymore and blew. But he said he would change.. he hasn’t.

The worst thing is my ex makes himself look great on his social media. (We are friends, might delete him). Adding old photos of DS looking like the doting dad 😒😂 he also spends quite a lot of money on him for birthdays and Christmas but to me it should ‘presence or presents’. I think ‘Disney dad’ is the right word.

Even when he has seen him it’s literally for an hour or two - never a full day or overnight. It’s a massive joke tbh.

[RandomMess]

Stop waiting in, stop not making plans. Just live your life like he doesn't exist.

When you start saying "no we're busy" he'll either fade away or get indignant and "fight" to see his son.

As it's only for a couple of hours anyway you could offer him Friday or Sunday evening at 5pm if that works for you.

[Crazycatlady83]

I sympathise OP.

The problem with the suggestion of Court, they can’t force your ex to have contact with his son. The order might say every Saturday but they have no powers to punish him if he doesn’t show. So you would have wasted a lot of time, effort and money for no gain.

I think try not to tell your DS if his father is coming. If he mentions it to him, have a full that you wait 20 / 30 mins and then get on with your day.

Not much else you can do - some fathers are just shit.

[MangoBiscuit]

@PegasusReturns

Set boundaries and stick to them.

He picks your son up 10am Saturday eow (or whatever) and if he’s not there by 10:10 you get on with yourself day.

Couldn't agree more with this.

OP, your ex sounds like a dickhead. You're never going to make him be a better parent, and it isn't your job to make him be reasonable. Decide what boundaries you are happy with, set them out clearly, then stick to them.

If you ex chooses to be a nob, and miss out on his son, that's up to him. But you can choose how much of an impact you're willing to accept from his behaviour.