DS’s dad - finally done with his ****

[Charsee01]

Hi all, I’ll try keep this short. I have a DS who is 10 with an ex. We split when I was pregnant so a long time ago. I’ve been with dp since DS was very small and we also have Dd together.

Anyway, DS’s dad. I’m sick of him, his behaviour and how he just picks and chooses when he sees DS. Never any consistency!

I could have written this post several years ago. I probably have somewhere but I’ve got to the point I feel like I can’t go on with it.

^^now I would never stop DS seeing his dad ofc. But it’s got to the point DS doesn’t even want to see him.

He picks and chooses when he sees him. There is no routine or consistency. His dad works 5 days a week but that’s not an excuse. He lives a few few miles away.

I’ve lost count how many times he’s said I’ll see him Saturday (for example) and he never turns up, not even a text or phone call to let us know. He’s told us he’ll take him out for tea and again he doesn’t turn up. Tells him he’ll just come over and see him but guess what? He never turns up. Even on the times he turns up he’ll be late etc. Or he’ll make plans and change them. Often he’s told DS he’ll take him somewhere (mainly before covid). DS has got excited and it never happens. I have to pick up the pieces.

He actually seen him last week. Said he’ll see him again this week in the morning (today) and guess what? Nothing! So annoyed as I honestly thought he’d turn up (silly me). We’ve wasted a whole half a day waiting around. We needed to g9 b&q but was putting it off til later. Won’t have time now as wanted to watch the funeral this afternoon.

I feel like it’s always on his means. In the last he has said he’s needed to ask his partner what she was doing before making plans with DS - he can’t fully blame his partner though as this was going on way before he was with her).

It’s like a bleddy guessing game and I’m sick
Of it. Can never get hold of him either.

I feel done. We’ve spent so many weekends waiting in for him to turn up and I can’t do it anymore. I want to be able to wake up on a Saturday and think we can just go out without worrying about DS’s dad.

It’s sod law. The times I think he will actually turn up - he doesn’t! And when he does turn up it’s the days we have plans.

Aibu to tell him he either bucks up or doesn’t bother at all? Summer soon, restrictions easing and we don’t want to spend our lives living by my ex and whether he turns up or not.

Tell him that it needs to be a set time, place and day or let us know in advance.

To make it worse my ex thinks he’s great because he pays for him. He does actually pay for him but I feel he uses the ‘I pay for him’ as an excuse not to see him much.

[MangoBiscuit]

@PegasusReturns

Set boundaries and stick to them.

He picks your son up 10am Saturday eow (or whatever) and if he’s not there by 10:10 you get on with yourself day.

Couldn't agree more with this.

OP, your ex sounds like a dickhead. You're never going to make him be a better parent, and it isn't your job to make him be reasonable. Decide what boundaries you are happy with, set them out clearly, then stick to them.

If you ex chooses to be a nob, and miss out on his son, that's up to him. But you can choose how much of an impact you're willing to accept from his behaviour.

[Crazycatlady83]

I sympathise OP.

The problem with the suggestion of Court, they can’t force your ex to have contact with his son. The order might say every Saturday but they have no powers to punish him if he doesn’t show. So you would have wasted a lot of time, effort and money for no gain.

I think try not to tell your DS if his father is coming. If he mentions it to him, have a full that you wait 20 / 30 mins and then get on with your day.

Not much else you can do - some fathers are just shit.

[RandomMess]

Stop waiting in, stop not making plans. Just live your life like he doesn't exist.

When you start saying "no we're busy" he'll either fade away or get indignant and "fight" to see his son.

As it's only for a couple of hours anyway you could offer him Friday or Sunday evening at 5pm if that works for you.

[Charsee01]

Thanks all. I’m not bothered either way if DS sees his dad or not. I never tell DS if he is coming or not but quite often his dad will ring to tell DS he’ll see him and he doesn’t. Or he will see him and he’ll arrange something with DS and it never happens. I’m just sick of it tbh. I’m not spending Saturdays waiting in for the rest of the summer. I like to go out first thing when it’s quiet and waiting around to see if his dad shows drives me mad. I had some serious words with his dad last year. I’d got to the end of my tether and couldn’t bite my lip anymore and blew. But he said he would change.. he hasn’t.

The worst thing is my ex makes himself look great on his social media. (We are friends, might delete him). Adding old photos of DS looking like the doting dad 😒😂 he also spends quite a lot of money on him for birthdays and Christmas but to me it should ‘presence or presents’. I think ‘Disney dad’ is the right word.

Even when he has seen him it’s literally for an hour or two - never a full day or overnight. It’s a massive joke tbh.

[Hankunamatata]

Any chance you can say right your seeing ds every other Saturday. I will drop him off Friday night and I will pick him up x time from your house Saturday evening. If cant stick to a schedule we will not be sitting in waiting for you.

[FrankieDettol]

Court will resolve this one way or another. It did for us. The outcome was that ex hasn't seen our DC for almost 18 months now. Through his own choice.

[Baker90]

Stop waiting around for him. Make him available for set times etc. So every Saturday at 10am. If he's not there by 10.30 get on with your day. Don't mention it to your son so he's not disappointed too.
This way your not stopping him seeing him but not disappointing your DS too. If he wants to go to mediation and court he can do so but he's unlikely to bother.

[Starborn]

Can you not collect/deliver your son for visits?

I'd be keeping a diary of all these agreed dates he's let down your son.

I think it's fair to wait half an hour, or an hour if he's phoned to say he's running late, but not the whole morning. It's reasonable to say, "Well, I'm going out at half past, so remember if you turn up after that, you'll have to miss out because we won't be here." (and then stay in to see if he lies about arriving late!)

But it does sound like your lives have both moved on, and perhaps longer visits less often would be better for everyone?

[B33Fr33]

I really feel for yours, mine, all kids in this scenario. They would probably be far better off without these constant let downs. It really hammers away at their self esteem. Over and over again a parent is demonstrating their child is worth less than whatever waste of time they've chosen to do instead.
I've said as much to my ex. He doesn't get what its done. One of my children is hugely angry and insecure, I am sure it plays into it.
I definitely go with above. Have alternative plans in place wherever possible. Give a twenty minute window then crack on as though he doesn't exist. My eldest rarely chooses to see her dad now. Because she's always got "something more fun" it's very cats in the cradle. The ex fumes at me and I say it's just not my problem.

[georgarina]

I would just not go out of my way for any agreed visit - only agree if you're going to be around anyway, if he's late then go out and have the rest of your day and let him be put out.

Other option is to drop contact until you get a court ordered visitation schedule which might be useful too.

[IMNOTSHOUTING]

Poor DS. I agree that you need to set boundaries. He gets 20 minutes grace time, if he's not there by then (or at least texted to say he's stuck in traffic) then the rest of you are getting on with your day.

[PlanetMJ]

Could you tell him that he needs to agree in advance with you a set date and time. You will wait in for 20 minutes after that time and if he doesn't show up and you don't hear from him then you will be carrying on with your day and the visit is off.

Make it clear that his behaviour is damaging DS emotionally so as a good parent you will need to protect him and the next time he makes arrangements and doesn't show will be the last time you willow DS to be treated this way. He will then need to take legal action which will require him to explain his behaviour to the courts and why having access to DS is positive for him.

He also needs to be told in no uncertain terms that paying for DS does not give him the right to pick him up and drop him like a toy. Geez men like this make me bloody furious.

[PegasusReturns]

Set boundaries and stick to them.

He picks your son up 10am Saturday eow (or whatever) and if he’s not there by 10:10 you get on with yourself day.

[Ohdoleavemealone]

@EThreepwood

My eldest is 10 and sees her dad around once every 4-6 weeks. He lives a 15-20 minute drive away. I don't contact him anymore she has her own mobile to text him and arrange when she wants to see him. I've never stopped her seeing him but might move it to the next available weekday if we have plans.

You just need some ground rules in place. Never tell your DS he's coming (unless your Ex mentions it). He won't get disappointed if he doesn't turn up or have a nice surprise if he does.
Make a time limit, tell your Ex and stick with it. Either an hour after the time you arranged or noon whatever is up to you.

There's no point wasting your days and efforts on a man who shown his true colours. It was a lot better for me when I accepted I was looking after my children 24/7 while he paid CM. Just because I liked spending time with them and it was a consistent thing. I think it's much easier being indifferent towards them they ain't going to change and it's not our job to change them.

I agree with this. I would arrange things for times that give you flexibility too. So either 10am or 1pm for example. If he turns up or not you have a half day to get stuff done without wondering if and when he will show.

[EThreepwood]

My eldest is 10 and sees her dad around once every 4-6 weeks. He lives a 15-20 minute drive away. I don't contact him anymore she has her own mobile to text him and arrange when she wants to see him. I've never stopped her seeing him but might move it to the next available weekday if we have plans.

You just need some ground rules in place. Never tell your DS he's coming (unless your Ex mentions it). He won't get disappointed if he doesn't turn up or have a nice surprise if he does.
Make a time limit, tell your Ex and stick with it. Either an hour after the time you arranged or noon whatever is up to you.

There's no point wasting your days and efforts on a man who shown his true colours. It was a lot better for me when I accepted I was looking after my children 24/7 while he paid CM. Just because I liked spending time with them and it was a consistent thing. I think it's much easier being indifferent towards them they ain't going to change and it's not our job to change them.

[BrumBoo]

Not sure where 'moaning' came from! I meant caring about where his useless dad got to.

[CatRatSplat]

Take control for ds, say yes that day works, pick up by X time or I'll assume it's not happening then get on with your day.

[BrumBoo]

@Charsee01

I wanted to go to b&q to get paint. Nearest one is 30 mins away. Dp is working and want to watch the funeral. Not enough hours in the day. I could have gone b&q first thing if we weren’t waiting around for his dad to show 😒

Thankfully iPlayer is now a thing. I'm sure it won't be spoilered if you watch it later, and your son can at least get out this afternoon instead of moaning over his useless dad.

Its a lovely day, no one needs to be stuck indoors because someone's very elderly husband died last week.

[Charsee01]

It wasn’t as bad when DS was small. He did see him a lot more. It’s slowly getting less and less to nearly non existent now... he used covid as a perfect excuse not to see him yet children were always allowed to see both parents!

[Charsee01]

I wanted to go to b&q to get paint. Nearest one is 30 mins away. Dp is working and want to watch the funeral. Not enough hours in the day. I could have gone b&q first thing if we weren’t waiting around for his dad to show 😒

[BrumBoo]

It is B&Q rather than a BBQ I think but I agree... a bit crazy.

Oh yes. Still though, odd. Ultimately irrelevant, the main issue is to sort out formal contact.

[TheOneWithTheBigNose]

@BrumBoo

You need to have formal contact in place. He is a father, he doesn't get to pick and choose convenience. Using his partner as an excuse is pathetic.

However, am I reading your OP correctly, *@Charsee01*? Are you and your son actually going to miss an afternoon out at a bbq because of the funeral on TV? That's rather ridiculous in itself..

It is B&Q rather than a BBQ I think but I agree... a bit crazy.

[VegCheeseandCrackers]

That's awful. YANBU at all he needs to buck up and start being the dad your son deserves.

[BrumBoo]

You need to have formal contact in place. He is a father, he doesn't get to pick and choose convenience. Using his partner as an excuse is pathetic.

However, am I reading your OP correctly, @Charsee01? Are you and your son actually going to miss an afternoon out at a bbq because of the funeral on TV? That's rather ridiculous in itself..

[TheOneWithTheBigNose]

You need to formalise contact arrangements through the court.