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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To worry about your child who is 27

38 replies

Icecreamlover63 · 17/04/2021 00:31

My daughter is 27 and moving 100 miles away. She currently lives roughly 10 miles away and is happily married. She suffers from anxiety (not all the time) but manages it quite well. She has got to move due to hubbies job and she also has a new job. However I’m worried for her . I will not under any circumstances tell her how I feel as I really think that would be wrong. But I’m scared as her anxiety may escalate. I’m trying so hard to be upbeat and sensible by saying things like ‘ just grab this opportunity, you will love it’.
It’s so difficult as I’m not sure if I’m
Doing the right or wrong thing. She really is a lovely girl and I don’t want her to think I don’t care I just want her to go in a positive mindset.
Am I right or wrong I really would appreciate some advice on this as I don’t want to make a mistake here x

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 17/04/2021 00:36

I think you're right. If she suffers from anxiety then knowing you're anxious about her could make things worse.

Just let her know you're always there for her on the other end of the phone. At least contact is much easier than ever before.

Aquamarine1029 · 17/04/2021 00:39

I totally understand how you feel. My children are in their 20's and you never stop worrying about them. The very best, and only, thing you should do is to be 100% supportive and positive. It will be an adjustment for her but I'm sure she will be just fine.

DramaAlpaca · 17/04/2021 00:39

All you can do is what you're doing - let her live her life, encourage her, support her and be there for her when she needs you.

You're doing the right thing being upbeat and positive. It's OK to tell her you'll miss her though, because I'm sure you will.

I have a 27 year old too, mine's a young man, and I still worry about him even though he tells me not to! You can't help worrying really, it's part of being a mum and you don't stop worrying just because they are grown up.

BackforGood · 17/04/2021 00:43

I don't think you ever stop worrying about your dc, to some extent. Then you will worry more so when you know that said child has some difficulties coping with life generally.
However, she is a grown woman, and she will be with her dh.
100 miles is not exactly a long way and with all the zillions of ways to keep in touch she has no need to feel detached from you there.
You are doing all the right things to remain positive and help her look forward to all the good things, rather than making her question their choices or start to focus on the more worrying bits.

Doesn't stop you worrying a bit though.

Sssloou · 17/04/2021 00:44

Where do you think she got her anxiety from?

Has she expressed any concerns to you?

To me she sounds robust - married, new job, new adventure. Are you concerned that she is not capable of managing her own MH with the support of her DH?

How is your anxiety about her moving away and on with her life? What impact will this have on you and what can you to support yourself?

Original poster
Icecreamlover63 · 17/04/2021 00:58

She struggled at school but worked hard she didn’t think she was clever. I truly could care less I just wanted her to be happy it turned out that when she was doing her dissertation her tutor thought she might be dyslexic and after a test it turns out she was. She then entered into a relationship whereby her ex was lovely for a year and then cheated on her and then made her feel like it was her fault! Do I think her anxiety stems from this combination. However the absolute moment she met her, now husband both me and my husband knew she would be alright because he is lovely. He’s not perfect nobody is but he really does love her and I know he would never cheat on her. I think she is stronger now than she was when she came out of the horrible relationship and she has a very good job in the NHS.

I keep saying to her that I can pop down and we can do really special things so it will be nice but honestly it’s bloody hard I’m worn out trying to be this positive guru. A huge but inside wants to say don’t go. But I really couldn’t it would be absolutely wrong and I have a close colleague who is 51 and still living at home because of an overwhelming mum. So instead of getting some sleep now I’m worrying about her worrying. How bonkers is that!

OP posts:
StayingHere · 17/04/2021 01:06

My mum worries about all of us and we are 36, 39 and 41. We are all actually pretty together so she doesn't need to but recent worries include: My DSis job stress and the impact on her, my DBro slow recovery from Covid, my anxiety caused by a health issue. None of us are in dire straits and can all manage these life events but she makes it her mission to worry and bustle, and we all love her for it. My kids are little but I should well imagine I'll be worrying about them for decades yet. I think it's normal.

Original poster
Icecreamlover63 · 17/04/2021 06:58

This is all a long story really. My mum and dad , when I look back in life were clearly unhappy. Nowadays they would and should have been divorced. Anyway I left home and got married my brother was still at home. My dad who was still not really happy worked away a lot and so my mum poured her love into my brother. It has been stifling my mum hated every girlfriend caused the break up Of an engagement by constantly nagging my brother causing him to doubt himself and the relationship.
Fast forward now my brother is 54 and still living at home my dad tied 2 years ago and my brother has effectively become my mums carer. He has a lovely lady friend who has a full life but my brother is now spilt in two he spends as much time as he can with his partner and my mum just sits at home all the time on her own, especially as I can’t even form a bubble because my brother lives with her. It’s all so bloody sad and only goes to show what an overbearing interfering parent can do. Every decision has been discussed with him and has made him doubt himself it’s just been too much.

I just feel because I’m trying to be the complete opposite by being breezy and positive ( however sad I feel inside) I’m coming across as uncaring. I just desperately don’t want to cling onto my children because I’ve seen with my own eyes the opposite.
So please understand now why I feel so bad and awkward about everything. Thank you all for your replies I’m truly grateful and it means a lot to me x

OP posts:
SeasonFinale · 17/04/2021 07:20

It is normal to worry about your child whatever their age but it sounds to me as though you are the one with anxiety not her.

DinosaurDiana · 17/04/2021 07:25

I agree with pp. You need to get help with your anxiety.

Ellpellwood · 17/04/2021 07:32

I don't understand really. What exactly are you worried will happen?

Incywincyspinsters · 17/04/2021 07:33

Obviously it’s normal to worry about your child, but do you think this is more about not really wanting her to move away?

EveryDayIsADuvetDay · 17/04/2021 07:38

She is your child, but at 27 you need to appreciate that she is now an adult.
Maybe some of her anxiety stems from being treated like a child who can't cope?

TheFourOhFour · 17/04/2021 07:42

@DinosaurDiana

I agree with pp. You need to get help with your anxiety.
Yes. My mother regularly lies awake worrying about her four adult children who are all solvent, working, healthy, married or in happy committed relationships, and just doing our thing. That’s her anxiety, not anything to do with us. And it’s very tiresome to deal with someone whose mind always leaps to the worst case scenario.

Yes, your daughter might not like her new place or her new job, but she can move again. If her marriage breaks down, you can support her recovery.

katmarie · 17/04/2021 07:45

You know its ok to be reasonably honest with your daughter about how you feel. I would say to your daughter 'I will miss you a lot, but I'm proud of you for taking this opportunity.' I moved to the US at the age of 30, and my mum was amazing. She made it clear that she would miss me dreadfully, but that she was excited for me to go and experience new things. I know it was hard for her but she never made me feel like I needed to stay because she couldn't cope with me going. If I'd even suggested it, she would have told me not to be silly and to go, for goodness sake. She even learned to video call so we could catch up regularly with a cuppa together. And when it turned out I needed to come home and had nowhere to go she was there for me without question. In some ways it brought us closer together.

Imnothereforthedrama · 17/04/2021 07:46

@DinosaurDiana

I agree with pp. You need to get help with your anxiety.
Yes this was my first reaction you can tell where she gets her anxiety from as you are the same . All parents worry I have a adult dc so I understand but you have to let them live their life .
TheHoneyBadger · 17/04/2021 07:47

I think it's ok to tell her what you told us about how you feel about your Mum and brother and that because of that you are very careful not to smother her and to try to be positive and encouraging. And say to her - it's not that I won't miss you, I will and of course a part of me wants to hang onto you but I want you to have a full life and not be held back by me.

I think she'd probably love to hear that and to understand where you're coming from as a parent in this sense and that you've given it that much thought. It's also a good thing for her to bear in mind as she goes forward and thinks about having children herself.

Then do the whole only a phone call away and always here for you but you're a wonderful capable young woman and your husband loves you and I know you'll be ok.

Creepygnochi · 17/04/2021 07:52

I worry about all my children, and my oldest is 35. I would certainly open up a conversation about it, but I don't know if you have that sort of relationship with her or not. The worst she can do is tell you to mind your own business.

Standrewsschool · 17/04/2021 07:57

You never stop worrying about your children, however old they are.

You say she’s got a happy marriage and a new job - all positives, and a good foundation for a successful move.

You can still be supportive, even if you’re not on the doorstep. FaceTime her etc, and 100mikes too far away for visits. Even if she didn’t suffer from anxiety,you would still worry about her moving away, it’s natural.

Original poster
Icecreamlover63 · 17/04/2021 08:00

Once again thank you for your Frank and honest replies.
A) I will miss her
B) I want her to go
C) it will do her good to progress in life
D) she has had the most lovely life and it won’t do her any harm to stand on her own two feet
E) I hide any anxiety I have from every one and that’s why I’ve come on here
F) luckily for me I met the most loveliest of men and we are happy 32 years later

I just didn’t want to appear hard that’s all. Over the years I’ve become a very good listener with both my children and always encourage them to make their own decisions. Because it’s their life and it’s as simple as that.

OP posts:
121hugsneeded · 17/04/2021 08:07

Could you possibly each buy ( or give to her as a gift ) a portal Facebook thing and set a time to video call that suits you both - ie once a week at 6pm on Saturday - ( this bits important- so neither of you calls too much !)
That way you have something to look forward to - and with a video call like that - it can reassure you things are ok ?

RoyalMush · 17/04/2021 08:20

I thought Honeybadgers advice was really good OP. You sound like a kind mum. Look after yourself too in all this.

CliffsofMohair · 17/04/2021 08:20

You sound very involved in her emotions and her emotional life. It might be worth stepping back for a bit and seeing how she gets on with it

TheHoneyBadger · 17/04/2021 08:24

@RoyalMush

I thought Honeybadgers advice was really good OP. You sound like a kind mum. Look after yourself too in all this.
She does sound lovely. I don't want her to get shredded by mn'ers trying to make out she's weird or projected anxiety onto her mother. I'd love my Mum to be this considerate and measured in her approach to me.
Original poster
Icecreamlover63 · 17/04/2021 08:35

Thank you Hineybadgers I do try to get things right. I don’t always succeed 😂 but I really try. I think it’s important to learn from your own mistakes and other’s mistakes. I love my kids and I would do absolutely anything for them but they have to be their own people they have to grow. You have all been rather sweet and I not going to pretend that I might be on here again if I get upset or sad but I’m glad it normal x

OP posts: