I had my son at 30 as a single mum and had had a couple of major breakdowns with depression and anxiety (one in teens and one in late 20's neither of which my parents were understanding or supportive during and already difficult relationships became positively harmful to me) so I am sure my parents were like omg how the hell is this going to work out and for my part I didn't tell them I was pregnant till after the midway scan and being very confident in myself and my pregnancy.
They are not good at masking anxiety or being considerate as to how their behaviour might effect me (possibly wouldn't have had mental health issues if they had been more emotionally intelligent and thoughtful in my childhood) but they did for once try to stifle their reaction and were very supportive when ds was a baby.
I've had 'we were really worried but...', 'you've done such a great job with ds and I must admit we weren't sure....' etc leaks from my Dad over the years (ds is now 14) followed by how proud he is, how great ds is etc. I'm glad for all our sakes that they managed to bite their tongues in those early stages because I didn't need to hear it and I'm not sure I'd have involved them in our lives like I did, which they loved by the way, if they had.
We did have a rupture in our relationship later when being overbearing and interference and negativity etc came to the fore around me trying for a new job in another area and they were horribly discouraging and negative and didn't even try to be supportive of me wanting to move my life forwards. At one stage I moved overseas for a couple of years and we were completely out of contact - they really had been, and had tolerated my sibling being, incredibly negative and infantilising of me and I felt I had to get some distance because whatever boundaries I tried to draw were walked all over.
I went away and fixed the damage that was doing to me and when we re-met the balance had been addressed and they did manage to accept and respect boundaries etc.
With that history I may be coming at this thread differently but I would love to hear that my mother had reflected on her own family dynamics and despite certain instincts kicking off was choosing to do the right thing and be mindful and aware in how she responded to my life.
I do love my parents and accept their limitations and am glad that ds and I are around them now (they're in their mid 70's and ds is 14 and the youngest grandchild so it is a late chapter in the family story itms). However it could have been really easy for me to write them out forever and not risk more toxic nonsense because they are not capable of (at least not openly) reflection and self awareness of their actions and repercussions. Your reflections on your brother, yourself, your daughter etc are therefore really positive seeming to me and it's that kind of reflectiveness and willingness to examine my own, and my families issues, and willingness to challenge my instincts because they're not necessarily the right response that I try to bring to my relationship with my son.
As someone whose had mental health issues and not been supported by family or on the other hand had it used against me to try to discourage or deflate me I really appreciate the path you're trying to tread and feel compassion for it. Others are saying she's a grown woman she'll be fine etc but you'll be aware that new job, new place, not having her usual support network, feeling pressured to say oh it's all wonderful and life is so fantastic etc may be triggers and may challenge her and the progress she's made. Mental health issues do make us more vulnerable but they also make us more resourceful and self aware hopefully and if we have supportive people around us (which she clearly does) we hopefully learn to be able to reach out and ask for support when we need it so knowing you are there and you're ready to support her if she struggles but not assuming she'll struggle or discourage her from taking chances is awesome.
Epic post sorry.
