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To worry about your child who is 27

38 replies

Icecreamlover63 · 17/04/2021 00:31

My daughter is 27 and moving 100 miles away. She currently lives roughly 10 miles away and is happily married. She suffers from anxiety (not all the time) but manages it quite well. She has got to move due to hubbies job and she also has a new job. However I’m worried for her . I will not under any circumstances tell her how I feel as I really think that would be wrong. But I’m scared as her anxiety may escalate. I’m trying so hard to be upbeat and sensible by saying things like ‘ just grab this opportunity, you will love it’.
It’s so difficult as I’m not sure if I’m
Doing the right or wrong thing. She really is a lovely girl and I don’t want her to think I don’t care I just want her to go in a positive mindset.
Am I right or wrong I really would appreciate some advice on this as I don’t want to make a mistake here x

OP posts:

Am I being unreasonable?


You have one vote. All votes are anonymous.

rawlikesushi · 17/04/2021 08:40

You do sound lovely op. Of course, knowing that your dd suffers from anxiety, and having seen that manifest itself over the years, you will be worried about how she will cope with all of these big changes, yet you are keeping your concerns hidden, being positive and seeking advice anonymously on here. To me, that is a pretty perfect way to handle this situation and I agree with pp who have said that it is ok to tell her that you will miss her but are happy and excited because you know she'll make an enormous success of this next chapter in her life.

Icecreamlover63 · 17/04/2021 09:29

Thank you all of you I feel a lot better now ❤️❤️

OP posts:
IMNOTSHOUTING · 17/04/2021 09:31

You're not unreasonably to be worried, we all worry about our children. However the best thing you can do (which is what you sound like you are doing) is have confidence that she'll be able to manage the situation. If her anxietydoes crop up again she'll use coping mechanisms to deal with it and she knows she has your support however far away she is. She sounds like a capable woman who is able to make her own decisions and handle stress, so make sure you acknowledge that.

TheOneWithTheBigNose · 17/04/2021 09:35

I suffered from anxiety and depression at 27 and I moved to another country with now DH. I don’t know if my parents thought it was a bad idea but if they did I’m glad they didn’t say so, I had the best few years of my life to date.
You sound like a lovely caring mum but 100 miles isn’t far. She has a happy marriage. There’s no reason she would be more anxious there than she is where she is living currently.

PinkiOcelot · 17/04/2021 09:45

Why don’t you sit down and have this conversation with your dd? I would just explain of course you’re apprehensive about her move but you also feel it’s a great opportunity etc. How you’ll miss her but you’ll arrange meetings etc
I think we’ll always worry about our kids. No matter what age they are.
You sound like a lovely mum btw!

IEat · 17/04/2021 10:14

Tell her there’s always she’s always welcome back to the family home. Boy to struggle alone. You’ll always be here.
That’s what I’ll be telling my eldest adult DS if he ever leaves home

Icecreamlover63 · 17/04/2021 10:52

PinkiOcelot. Thank you I really have tried to be to be honest it’s all I ever wanted to be. This year has just been so unusual and I know personally I’ve found so much comfort and solace in my family and they have too. Let’s hope this year brings lots of families together ❤️

OP posts:
TheHoneyBadger · 17/04/2021 12:22

I had my son at 30 as a single mum and had had a couple of major breakdowns with depression and anxiety (one in teens and one in late 20's neither of which my parents were understanding or supportive during and already difficult relationships became positively harmful to me) so I am sure my parents were like omg how the hell is this going to work out and for my part I didn't tell them I was pregnant till after the midway scan and being very confident in myself and my pregnancy.

They are not good at masking anxiety or being considerate as to how their behaviour might effect me (possibly wouldn't have had mental health issues if they had been more emotionally intelligent and thoughtful in my childhood) but they did for once try to stifle their reaction and were very supportive when ds was a baby.

I've had 'we were really worried but...', 'you've done such a great job with ds and I must admit we weren't sure....' etc leaks from my Dad over the years (ds is now 14) followed by how proud he is, how great ds is etc. I'm glad for all our sakes that they managed to bite their tongues in those early stages because I didn't need to hear it and I'm not sure I'd have involved them in our lives like I did, which they loved by the way, if they had.

We did have a rupture in our relationship later when being overbearing and interference and negativity etc came to the fore around me trying for a new job in another area and they were horribly discouraging and negative and didn't even try to be supportive of me wanting to move my life forwards. At one stage I moved overseas for a couple of years and we were completely out of contact - they really had been, and had tolerated my sibling being, incredibly negative and infantilising of me and I felt I had to get some distance because whatever boundaries I tried to draw were walked all over.

I went away and fixed the damage that was doing to me and when we re-met the balance had been addressed and they did manage to accept and respect boundaries etc.

With that history I may be coming at this thread differently but I would love to hear that my mother had reflected on her own family dynamics and despite certain instincts kicking off was choosing to do the right thing and be mindful and aware in how she responded to my life.

I do love my parents and accept their limitations and am glad that ds and I are around them now (they're in their mid 70's and ds is 14 and the youngest grandchild so it is a late chapter in the family story itms). However it could have been really easy for me to write them out forever and not risk more toxic nonsense because they are not capable of (at least not openly) reflection and self awareness of their actions and repercussions. Your reflections on your brother, yourself, your daughter etc are therefore really positive seeming to me and it's that kind of reflectiveness and willingness to examine my own, and my families issues, and willingness to challenge my instincts because they're not necessarily the right response that I try to bring to my relationship with my son.

As someone whose had mental health issues and not been supported by family or on the other hand had it used against me to try to discourage or deflate me I really appreciate the path you're trying to tread and feel compassion for it. Others are saying she's a grown woman she'll be fine etc but you'll be aware that new job, new place, not having her usual support network, feeling pressured to say oh it's all wonderful and life is so fantastic etc may be triggers and may challenge her and the progress she's made. Mental health issues do make us more vulnerable but they also make us more resourceful and self aware hopefully and if we have supportive people around us (which she clearly does) we hopefully learn to be able to reach out and ask for support when we need it so knowing you are there and you're ready to support her if she struggles but not assuming she'll struggle or discourage her from taking chances is awesome.

Epic post sorry.

Icecreamlover63 · 17/04/2021 14:10

TheHoneyBadger God i am quite overwhelmed what a thoughtful and beautiful reply. All I wanted to do is tread the tightrope properly by not seeming dismissive but not being overbearing either. I’m just going to carry on being encouraging and above all kind. I have a wonderful relationship with both of my children but I have worked so hard to achieve it. I have learnt from the mistakes of others and I have watched and learnt from positive role models. One a wonderful neighbour who had so much wisdom I loved her like a mother and the other one was my mother in law. Who had very little money but so much time, kindness and love for me I grew into a better mother for their influences.
I actually think it’s quite exciting for them both so many new lovely places for them to go to. And like you say it’s just over an hour away.
I simply cannot tell you how wonderful this site is to help with any concerns people have. Have a lovely weekend- TheHoneyBadger - xxx

OP posts:
TheHoneyBadger · 17/04/2021 14:39

Thanks. You too and well done. Surviving motherhood through to a fully independent adult with my sanity intact still seems like an ambitious goal to me so it's nice hearing others have made it to the other side Grin

clarepetal · 17/04/2021 20:35

Just let her know you are always there for her. I think you are doing the right thing, it shows that you are a good mother by being concerned. Flowers

RoyalMush · 17/04/2021 21:35

Well this has turned into a lovely thread. Flowers

Sssloou · 18/04/2021 11:28

Sounds like you have done a great job raising your DCs. You know what dysfunctional looks like (your own family of origin) and you know what good looks like - the wise role models you have identified and learnt from.

The only issue I can see is not your DD anxiety (has she even expressed it to you - above and beyond what’s normal anticipation) but your own self doubt and confidence in your parenting.

You say you hide your anxiety and don’t say anything to anyone - but people will still sense your unease even if you have the cheerleading banter going on and may or may not internalise it because it’s there in the implicit. I am not suggesting that you express your anxieties to your DD - but that you deal with them yourself by working on your own internal world with self compassion and self belief that you have done an excellent job from a tough start and supported her through major issues.

Sit in the self satisfaction of that achievement and your DC will absorb your confidence and calm. This will also ensure you enjoy life from a lighter sunnier perspective. Your DD in time will need / want you back more in her life when she has her own DCs.

We raise our DC to have anchors and wings.

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