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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

ExH and taking the credit

76 replies

RedAndWhiteStarChart · 16/04/2021 23:09

ExH through his own choice has DD for 1 night EOW, no extra in holidays no weekday contact. I have offered more contact both in court when we went in 2017/18 and since, he always says no despite him taking me to court originally for full residency (he wanted full residency and no visitation for me at one point).

We split due to DV and control. DD is now 6 and in year 2 (relevant as she had 1.5 normal years at school before covid).

ExH never has anything to do with school, never attends information evenings/webinars, never attends parents evening. He will go to plays and sports day though.

DD has several medical conditions which she’s needed operations for. He’s never attended a single medical appointment. After the most recent 2 operations he didn’t even text or call me until 48 hours after she’d been discharged – he admitted to me that for one of them he literally slept all day as he was given the day off by work.

DD does 2 clubs as activities outside of school; gymnastics and swimming. Gymnastics is during the weekend and on ExHs contact weekend he returns her to me in time for me to take her.

However, just like school plays and sports days, he absolutely insists on attending performances and certificate giving ceremonies (swimming do a little ceremony once every half term in the reception area of the leisure and the childs name is on the board with the stage they’ve graduated from – they don’t do the ceremonies atm but the kids names still go on the board in reception).

I cannot stop him going as he has PR, but it absolutely boils my piss. He takes all the credit, tells people that he’s so proud of her and that he knows he’s doing a good job. People gush over him, about how great a dad he is because he has less than 48 hours a month with her. They tell him she’s polite and lovely and it’s down to him.

No that would be down to me, I pay for everything, I even have to provide clothes, bedding and I feed her – she has a main meal before she leaves me on Saturday and I make a meal for when she’s home Sunday because he literally will not give her a proper meal, he will give her a sandwich or a bowl of cereal (her medical issues mean she loses weight easily and quickly so she needs at least 1 substantial meal per day). I doubt myself a lot because of him though, I don't necessarily think I made her into a polite, lovely girl.

I would never stop contact, DD adores her dad, and her face lights up when she realises her dads in the crowd at plays/sports/performances. But it really does anger me that no-one else sees him for what he is – a useless dad even my own family tell me I’m lucky that he sees her.

Obviously I’m up so late because I’ve been organising DDs life ready for back to school.

I am probably BU.

OP posts:
JackieTheFart · 16/04/2021 23:13

YANBU. It fucking pissed me right off that even involved dads can do the absolute bare minimum and they’re seen as some sort of Lord and saviour - it’s so much worse in your circumstances though.

I don’t really have any advice other than allow yourself to feel annoyed. Ask a good friend if every so often she/he minds you just sounding off about him for five minutes. Then try and let it go.

You’re doing the best for your daughter, she may not know that now but she will when she gets a bit older Flowers

ScaredOfDinosaurs · 16/04/2021 23:20

Hang in there. Eventually she will see the truth, which will be sad for her. Keep on being a good mum and forget about the manchild.

Bipitybopityboop · 16/04/2021 23:30

You know the truth and deep down he knows the truth.

Ignore him and focus on your relationship with your daughter.

Time usually reveals the true nature of people.

Sh05 · 17/04/2021 01:03

I expect alot of people see right through him though especially as you say you do all the running around and taking her to these activities.
Try not to let him see how other people's praise of him effects you, you know and your DD will understand soon enough how little he actually does for her.

Happycat1212 · 17/04/2021 01:06

My ex doesn’t see my kids anymore (his choice) but when he did it was for a few hours every other weekend (no overnights, he didn’t want them) never had them over night, he’s never even been to their school and my oldest is in year 5! Yet when he took them to the park once a fortnight he would have people saying what a great dad he was 😱

BlackeyedSusan · 17/04/2021 02:13

Sex stereotypes at work: It's mum's job to look after the kids, dad's barely have to lift a finger to be given hero status. If mum did so little society would be up in arms at their neglect.

Not fair,not true.

Creepygnochi · 17/04/2021 02:26

It's annoying, but it will mean a lot to your dd looking back to believe that if nothing else, her dad cared enough to show up. Especially if he's shit in every other way. So I think it's something you need to, for lack of better word, suck up. It's something you can't change or control, and there's no point wasting time on it. You know the truth and he knows that you know. And tbh, a lot of other people will know too. They play the game, but they know what is up. That's has to be enough.

Rejoiningperson · 17/04/2021 02:30

Yep, empathise!

Those that think he’s a great Dad don’t matter, as they have no idea obviously.

My own father just swanned in and took the credit, but ignored me most of the time, saw me once every few months as a child. I let him do this for years. Now I have my own kids, he’s trying to make out he’s a wonderful Grandfather too! So I’ve had enough and don’t bother anymore, I couldn’t bear to see my own kids gas lighted by someone they barely knew.

Mind you, my Ex partner had this some his ex wife - she insisted on having the children every Christmas, all their birthdays, every event - but only had the ‘easy’ child 2 week nights a week and the other one night every two months!!! The Ex wife used to constantly put up photos on her Facebook page about how being a Mum was never ending etc...

Mypathtriedtokillme · 17/04/2021 02:33

Ignore it, a lot people see though Disney dads often because they had themselves.
Your DD knows who is her safe person who does all her care and will see him for what he is when she is by older.

Or if it’s mentioned to you by other parents just smile and say “And he does it all in the whole 48hrs he sees her a month”.

ChristmasAlone · 17/04/2021 02:36

When she grows up she'll know who was there and who wasn't

Darker · 17/04/2021 02:39

Is it possible that people are saying ‘well done’ etc to try to encourage him to take more interest? Maybe they think he’s a dick but don’t want him to see that in their faces.

Possibly wishful thinking as I was in a similar situation. EOW for one night, a few extra days in the holidays. Very annoying but also huge mental load bringing up children with no support.

starrynight21 · 17/04/2021 02:57

Sending a hand hold , I know what it's like. But don't torture yourself with the idea that "everyone thinks he is wonderful", I'm sure this isn't the case. Anyone who knows that he only has her one day per fortnight ( and that's most people) would understand that he is a classic uncaring dad who does the bare minimum. Try to let this go - I know it's galling but as time goes on your DD will realise that you are her staunch supporter and that he is not. And so will everybody else.

Lonecatwithkitten · 17/04/2021 04:12

I have this with my ExH my DD is in professional musical theatre training, but when she was an amateur initially he thought it was all ridiculous. Then when she started to get main roles he and his mother who is just as bad would turn up and chat to people ' oh yes DD is my DD/DGD' etc.
DD knows who put in the hours driving her places, paying for groups and classes. She knows who supported her when she didn't get parts etc. That's all I need for now, when she wins her Olivier/Tony award I know I will be the one she credits,

JustLyra · 17/04/2021 04:21

she has a main meal before she leaves me on Saturday and I make a meal for when she’s home Sunday because he literally will not give her a proper meal, he will give her a sandwich or a bowl of cereal (her medical issues mean she loses weight easily and quickly so she needs at least 1 substantial meal per day)

I know you said you’d never stop her seeing him, but I’d be stopping the overnights if he can’t even feed her. That’s horrific.

Rangoon · 17/04/2021 04:29

Just smile sweetly and say that its simply amazing what he accomplish in one day eow. Especially given his financial struggles which has meant he's never paid for any costs.

Rainbowqueeen · 17/04/2021 04:34

Kids work this out for themselves as they get older.
Console yourself with the knowledge that you are building a genuine close relationship with her and he is not.

timeisnotaline · 17/04/2021 04:39

She has a medical issue and needs food. No overnights if he can’t provide a nutritious meal!!
I’d be standing next to someone friendly at each event , elbow them and say here he goes, dad of the year. This is just about the only time he sees her, when he turns up to feel good about her achievements. Sorry for bitching but he refuses to even feed her a meal so I get the rage every single presentation / concert. It will spread. Say to coach beforehand oh her dad will be there, he likes to turn up for the celebration bit, as long as he wouldn’t have to drive her there of course.

Tlollj · 17/04/2021 04:47

I’d fucking say something, next person who says how great he is just no he’s not only sees her once a fortnight and don’t even feed her!

Embracingthechaos · 17/04/2021 05:08

Yeah, the bar is set incredibly low for men, and impossibly high for women. It's fucking shit and I'm sick of it too.

MrsTerryPratchett · 17/04/2021 05:15

He's all flash. And little kids need some glitter on things. But as they grow they see more of the substance. Him showing up is better than nothing in terms of your kid's happiness.

I would however work on the cynical smile and muffled laughter when someone complements him and your child isn't present. You know that snort noose people make when they're trying not to laugh? That. And maybe an amused, "OK then" when he's getting all the adoration.

His shittiness will all become evident over time.

MrsTerryPratchett · 17/04/2021 05:16

Noise not noose. That would be weird.

Saltyslug · 17/04/2021 05:17

When ever people praise him just dismiss him being a Disney dad. Absent for the important things

MrsTerryPratchett · 17/04/2021 05:17

@Embracingthechaos

Yeah, the bar is set incredibly low for men, and impossibly high for women. It's fucking shit and I'm sick of it too.
I often say that acceptable behaviour for men ends where acceptable behaviour for women starts. If I make a crap, junk lunch I'm a terrible mother. If DH does it, isn't he amazing?
hellywelly3 · 17/04/2021 06:04

I’ve been told how lucky I am that DH has the children when I go to work. It shouldn’t be lucky it’s a given he has his own children.

SeaTurtles92 · 17/04/2021 06:07

It's just another way of his little control games isn't it.
He knows how to get into your head. You know you done all the hard work so don't let him get in your head.

He knows what he is doing.

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