ExH and taking the credit

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ExH through his own choice has DD for 1 night EOW, no extra in holidays no weekday contact. I have offered more contact both in court when we went in 2017/18 and since, he always says no despite him taking me to court originally for full residency (he wanted full residency and no visitation for me at one point).

We split due to DV and control. DD is now 6 and in year 2 (relevant as she had 1.5 normal years at school before covid).

ExH never has anything to do with school, never attends information evenings/webinars, never attends parents evening. He will go to plays and sports day though.

DD has several medical conditions which she’s needed operations for. He’s never attended a single medical appointment. After the most recent 2 operations he didn’t even text or call me until 48 hours after she’d been discharged – he admitted to me that for one of them he literally slept all day as he was given the day off by work.

DD does 2 clubs as activities outside of school; gymnastics and swimming. Gymnastics is during the weekend and on ExHs contact weekend he returns her to me in time for me to take her.

However, just like school plays and sports days, he absolutely insists on attending performances and certificate giving ceremonies (swimming do a little ceremony once every half term in the reception area of the leisure and the childs name is on the board with the stage they’ve graduated from – they don’t do the ceremonies atm but the kids names still go on the board in reception).

I cannot stop him going as he has PR, but it absolutely boils my piss. He takes all the credit, tells people that he’s so proud of her and that he knows he’s doing a good job. People gush over him, about how great a dad he is because he has less than 48 hours a month with her. They tell him she’s polite and lovely and it’s down to him.

No that would be down to me, I pay for everything, I even have to provide clothes, bedding and I feed her – she has a main meal before she leaves me on Saturday and I make a meal for when she’s home Sunday because he literally will not give her a proper meal, he will give her a sandwich or a bowl of cereal (her medical issues mean she loses weight easily and quickly so she needs at least 1 substantial meal per day). I doubt myself a lot because of him though, I don't necessarily think I made her into a polite, lovely girl.

I would never stop contact, DD adores her dad, and her face lights up when she realises her dads in the crowd at plays/sports/performances. But it really does anger me that no-one else sees him for what he is – a useless dad even my own family tell me I’m lucky that he sees her.

Obviously I’m up so late because I’ve been organising DDs life ready for back to school.

I am probably BU.

@hellywelly3

I’ve been told how lucky I am that DH has the children when I go to work. It shouldn’t be lucky it’s a given he has his own children.

Oh of course is he 'baby sitting' them?

Makes me rage when someone says that. Baby sitting their own children .

Hes a bag of shite op. Given the domestic abuse it a good thing he only has her once a night every other weekend

I felt the same about my ExH and my Ds1. DS was so protective of him, but he did start to open up about his disappointments with his dad when he was mid to late teens.

I only found out years later that he didn't have a bed/bedroom at his dad's and had to sleep in the sofa. I'd asked him when his dad moved what his new room was like and he had said it was nice. Heartbreaking.

EXH would messaging me with faux concern over my parenting and would then constantly let DS down on plans they had made. The tables had turned completely when DS was about 15. EXH would call me to ask DS to tell him to answer his calls. It was EXH's idea that he and DS would arrange contact between themselves once DS was about 13, but that backfired in a big way.

He never paid any maintenance, but always had the latest Apple products, TV and games consoles.

But who is praising him and how do you know them? Is this what he tells you or what people say to you directly? just wondering if you're perceiving this but surely most people will work out that you're the one who is always at the practices and they've never seen him?

What do you say in reply when people do comment. I would say something aapptaj in reply like "it's a shame really, as he only chooses to her 2 days a month, as you can see DD loves to spend time with her dad and wishes he was more involved in her life"

I understand how frustrating it must be.

DD's best friends parents are divorced, dad does EOW & on the Friday he picks them up.from. School they are always so.excited which I know upsets mum sometimes because like you she does the vast majority of everything whilst he does the bare minimum.

if it is any consolation, she will see through him and contact will wane when she's older. My dad was crap and as a result I see him twice a year (normally anyway) whereas mum & I are very close. I know she did everything for me

I feel for you, OP. I have similar issues with my ex. We're more years down the line now than you and DC can see it all for themselves. Your DD's eyes will open to it at some point. It's not necessarily a good thing as I think it's quite devastating for a child to realise they have a shit parent. It will be even more important then that you're there for your DD and she'll know you always have been and all that you've done for her.

It sounds like you are doing an amazing job, try not to doubt yourself. Your DD is very lucky to have you

Focus on your daughters face lighting up.
People are being polite to him, that's all. In those situations I always speak to both parents and say the same to each.

It's just the same as carving the Christmas turkey. The woman has done the shopping, thinking, cleaning, wrapping, cooking etc but everyone praises the guy who carves the turkey.

@Lonecatwithkitten
I experienced exactly the same, divorced, young child involved in performing arts, EXH mocked the child, discouraged at every opportunity during the little contact he had, never contributed towards class fees etc
Fast forward ten years, said child graduates from university with a first in the arts, and goes on to be hugely successful in the field.
Now he's there with a puffed out chest showing him off like a prized asset.
My child doesn't buy this one bit, sees right through him, and at every award ceremony speech says "one person supported me from day one, my mum, I couldn't have done this without her"
Keep your cool, these kids know who their true people are.
I used to get so frustrated and angry when he would only turn up to the shows, get not get involved in the prior year rehearsal...now it just amuses me.
He's an insignificant.

OP - it’s shit - I’ve been there! 2DDs and their dad was also controlling while we were married. After we split up he was an ‘amazing’ dad - ie, letting them eat and drink what they wanted on his contact because mommy doesn’t let you have treats
Then when I met my now DH their dad moved in with his aunty which now I know was so he couldn’t have them overnight 😂 two years he didn’t have them overnight in an attempt to Drive my partner away - didn’t work, my DH is an amazing step dad.

I didn’t say a word ever about his failings to my girls, but they both separately came to the conclusion he wasn’t such a great dad when they were about 13 respectively.

He moved 150 miles away to be with his new wife (who is lovely btw - but sadly now suffering under his control and mind games) and started having them EOW, but during COVID he has seen them twice - so two occasions in a whole year. Its sad now as they do just want him to want to make an effort..

I guess what I’m trying to say is this is all about control his end, you CANNOT let him see it bothers you in anyway. Eventually he will stop trying but sadly that will mean with your DD too and you obviously want your DD to see you’ve facilitated him seeing her in every way. She will see him for the useless excuse he is

You’re not the not one, definitely not BU. Two of my daughters play a sport to GB level and my ex posts on Facebook about how proud he is of them. He barely sees them and has only seen them play a handful of times. Makes me cross to see his friends replying to him when it’s me that drives them everywhere & pays for it all. My dc know though and won’t forget.

@Rangoon

Just smile sweetly and say that its simply amazing what he accomplish in one day eow. Especially given his financial struggles which has meant he's never paid for any costs.

This. Out of your daughter's hearing of course.

He's just a twat.
Be glad you managed to get away from such a waster.

Your daughter will know.

It’s shit for the kids. As a PP said, it’s not good when they realise one of their parents is not what they thought. Mine are grown up now and speak to their dad occasionally but it’s hard work for them and it’s done them harm.

You know the truth and deep down he knows the truth.
I absolutely think he doesn't. I am in a somewhat similar situation and my ex genuinely believes he's the dad of the year winner. He has absolutely zero visibility around what is actually involved in managing children, and going to the park for a couple of hours every second week and buying them an ice cream actually is almost 50% of care in his mind. As in, he states this in his court statements - "the care is split approximately equally, with the Mother having a slight more oversight of the day-to-day life".

Some will be thick enough to think he's marvellous, but as PP said, some will be smiling and nodding whilst knowing precisely how shite he is.

I do this, smile and nod. "Oh isn't that nice, oh you took her the the park, oh well done you, oh wonderful." oh look her hair is matted again find a brush, she's wearing clothes too small and falling apart and I just watched you talk to her like she's fox poo

There's no point getting into an argument with these men, but I know who's doing all the hard work and who provides the safe and nurturing home...and it isn't them.

"the care is split approximately equally, with the Mother having a slight more oversight of the day-to-day life"

True craftsman of banter, that one

Your daughter will remember when she’s an adult OP.
My marriage has only recently ended (more fool me), but my sons who are now all in their late twenties, remember that it was mum who took them camping, fishing, to pay dates and hockey practice. Their father couldn’t tell you what they studied at Uni but obviously rocked up to the Graduation ceremony when the youngest picked up his first class degree. They are pretty much all NC with him now. He tells anyone who will listen that I’ve turned my sons against him - no buddy, you did that all by yourself.

OP, I know how you feel. I used to think that these thoughts were quite shallow and not decent - after all, I would be providing the same care to the children if he wasn't in the picture at all. Now, to be honest, I allow myself to think badly of the ex.
My ex pays £1/month maintenance for our two children (+/- same age as yours), and sees them for a couple of hours every other week. But yes, he has to be present EVERYWHERE where there's some sort of parental recognition. And also has form of making a massive issue in case if there's some problem - we are not welcome back to a couple of activities now as Dad came and made a massive scene about something, threatening them with police, ofsted, safeguarding etc. Something is usually so trivial that it doesn't even register with me - like the window was open during the activity, and it was a bit cold.
He had also posted on social media about how difficult is it to be in university as a single parent to two small children (he's doing a hobby degree). Juggling so many things all the time! But all struggles are worth it in the end, follow your dreams, bla bla. Likes and shares hit the roof. I was SO tempted to say something, but eventually was able to retain the high moral ground.

My ex used to be like this. He saw them once a week and would drop them off as early as he could because he couldn’t be bothered. Same for Christmas, he’d drop them back off at the earliest possible moment even though it was fucking Christmas. He just couldn’t be arsed with them (still can’t). Never did a thing with them when they saw him, just fobbed them off with technology and barely fed them. He didn’t do homework with them or read to them, never did a school run either. Parents evening would come around and he’d be sitting there saying ‘oh yes, I’ve noticed they do this at my house’ and I’d be sitting there gritting my teeth wanting to scream ‘they do fuck all at your house you ginormous twat’.

We moved further away eventually so he can’t go to parents evening now and I’m so glad. They’re older now anyway so realise how little he does for them and they can never be bothered going to see him because he’s lazy and boring. It is infuriating, I feel your pain.

My ex used to take his son to school i would get them up dressed ready to go he would literally roll out of bed and stick them in the car he got to the school and would tell everyone I was "having a lie in" ds told everyone one day no she isnt why do you keep saying that dad? So he then started making me walk them to school to punish ds for being "disrespectful" (he has spd its painful to walk) one of the moms said no lie in today? what's that? I've got three children i never lie in oooh well (details ex saying I did) I pointed out I was here he was in bed as usual

It's shocking how low the bar is for fathers. My ex struggles to fall over it! But my children are desperate for his approval and engagement even though they know he's not great. Breaks my heart. But I know I have to take some responsibility for failing to recognise his unwillingness to co-parent. It was only when I started to notice the children make allowances for him, like I'd been doing, that I started to get real. If they can't recognise his behaviour for what it is, how will they negotiate adult relationships in a healthy way. So I started to name his behaviour when it wasn't good. Sometimes I got it wrong and went too far but at least I was no longer pretending it was great.

They still protect him but are more honest with me about their challenges with him. What's come out now they're older makes me feel like I failed them massively as he really didn't parent at all when they were with him but I have to remind myself that I'm not responsible for his behaviour. But it's still infuriating that they hold me to much higher standards!

And don't get me started on the women who facilitated by ex after our split by offering lifts etc and then expecting me to return the favour!

My ex husband reposted my daughters photo on social media and tagged himself out as with them, lots of comments, likes - truth of it is he hasn't bothered with them for 2 years and if the people commenting still believe everything he says I have little time to be trying to correct their perception. My dds both know, doesn't make it right though I know

It's so infuriating op , as you can see by all these comments you really aren't alone.My ex thought drink was more important than spending quality sundays with his dc , he would have them for 5 hours and he would have a hangover . I used to text saying they really wanted to go to such and such or they were looking forward to seeing him in the hope that that week would be different and he would take them somewhere , he very rarely did. I soon gave that up , some people will always remain selfish twats. My dd is now 19 he took her to one university open day and plastered it on fb gushing over his clever daughter. She is now in her 2nd year and he hasn't once asked her how uni is. He will text her in the early hours saying he loves her and he is sorry he is such a shit dad ( he is drunk )then he does nothing to change his ways. It's sad and I feel sorry for her .

You're not alone OP. My exH doesn't see our DC much at all. He won't take them to his house (they haven't even seen the street he lives on, let alone inside his actual home) so, other than special occasions (their birthdays and Christmas), they get picked up to go play mini golf and a McDonald's, but it's twice a year at most. He saw them twice last year for a grand total of about 6 hours (and all but about 3 minutes were on the same day).
They're the nicest kids and he takes so much credit for it. People congratulate him on a job well done for how polite and well behaved they are, how well they do at school. It's infuriating. My only hope is that when they get older they will realise what's going on. My eldest is getting there but I feel it will take much longer for my youngest.