ExH and taking the credit

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ExH through his own choice has DD for 1 night EOW, no extra in holidays no weekday contact. I have offered more contact both in court when we went in 2017/18 and since, he always says no despite him taking me to court originally for full residency (he wanted full residency and no visitation for me at one point).

We split due to DV and control. DD is now 6 and in year 2 (relevant as she had 1.5 normal years at school before covid).

ExH never has anything to do with school, never attends information evenings/webinars, never attends parents evening. He will go to plays and sports day though.

DD has several medical conditions which she’s needed operations for. He’s never attended a single medical appointment. After the most recent 2 operations he didn’t even text or call me until 48 hours after she’d been discharged – he admitted to me that for one of them he literally slept all day as he was given the day off by work.

DD does 2 clubs as activities outside of school; gymnastics and swimming. Gymnastics is during the weekend and on ExHs contact weekend he returns her to me in time for me to take her.

However, just like school plays and sports days, he absolutely insists on attending performances and certificate giving ceremonies (swimming do a little ceremony once every half term in the reception area of the leisure and the childs name is on the board with the stage they’ve graduated from – they don’t do the ceremonies atm but the kids names still go on the board in reception).

I cannot stop him going as he has PR, but it absolutely boils my piss. He takes all the credit, tells people that he’s so proud of her and that he knows he’s doing a good job. People gush over him, about how great a dad he is because he has less than 48 hours a month with her. They tell him she’s polite and lovely and it’s down to him.

No that would be down to me, I pay for everything, I even have to provide clothes, bedding and I feed her – she has a main meal before she leaves me on Saturday and I make a meal for when she’s home Sunday because he literally will not give her a proper meal, he will give her a sandwich or a bowl of cereal (her medical issues mean she loses weight easily and quickly so she needs at least 1 substantial meal per day). I doubt myself a lot because of him though, I don't necessarily think I made her into a polite, lovely girl.

I would never stop contact, DD adores her dad, and her face lights up when she realises her dads in the crowd at plays/sports/performances. But it really does anger me that no-one else sees him for what he is – a useless dad even my own family tell me I’m lucky that he sees her.

Obviously I’m up so late because I’ve been organising DDs life ready for back to school.

I am probably BU.

Thank you everyone for not slaughtering me!

ExH lives in the same town as me and it’s one of those places where everyone knows everyone else in some way so the people commenting know us both in some way. It got back to him somehow that DDs teacher thanked for me something I helped her with over lockdown and he told everyone he helped me by having DD, he didn’t, she was with me while I helped the teacher out!

He does pay maintenance not much but of course to him he’s contributing and he tells everyone that it’s his maintenance that pays for the clubs so in his eyes he’s justified. And yep he thinks he’s dad of the year.

I’d love to move away but can’t as court order says both exh and I have to live within 15 minutes drive of each other due to DDs medical issues preventing much travel and ExH would absolutely not give me permission to move. It is what it.

I don’t reply to people anymore who say it unless I have DD with me. She gushes along with them but hoping she’ll wise up soon.

It's ok to be angry. It's good for dd though that her dad is there even if it's just for show. She will grow up knowing who did the heavy lifting and you will be her rock.

I would just laugh everytime and when people look at say oh im so sorry I thought you were joking never mind

My eldest was 4 when my ex left. He is now 17. I would say it took till he was about 13 before he said something in passing that made me realise he knew exactly what his dad was like. He now speaks freely about how unpleasant he can be but still sees him weekly and seems to enjoy some aspects of spending time with him. He has a critical eye, however, and I don’t fancy dad’s chances as they move into adulthood and have choices about who they spend time with. People around me have been mixed in their responses - wonder dad, as you say, but plenty of people have quietly told me in no uncertain terms they can see through him. You don’t have to dig deep to see it, he’s pretty transparent. Relax, build your relationship and know that he will dig his own grave as the years go by.

You won’t be the only one who sees it. Ransoms on Facebook or whatever don’t really care you know and you’re daughter will know when she’s older. It must be so annoying though! You’re doing a great job.

Same here, my ex absolutely believes the 4 days/2 nights per month he has our kids means he is solely responsible for how polite, clever and funny they are. He was, allegedly, teaching my 5yo algebra a couple of months back. He also messages me telling me not to forget their suncream, or reminding me that one doesn't like a certain type of food or to put weather appropriate clothes in them. He also, apparently, fully potty trained the little one overnight, absolutely amazing 🤣

My older kids dad hasn't seen them for years and doesn't really keep in touch with them at all but he still takes the credit for their achievements too.

I just ignore it, they have their fairy stories, I know I have the reality, and the kids see it too.

Also to be honest if he was abusive, then in all likelihood he would also be abusive in some way with his daughter if he had her for more time.

So you’ve won the greater battle - which is to ensure that your DD has a secure, safe and non abusive upbringing.

So what if he brags? Much better than he insist on 50/50 for example and seriously muck up his kids life.

We split due to DV and control.

This is the key sentence in your post. He's a controlling wanker, of course he's going to try to spend the rest of her life trying to get to you. Your job is to look after yourself and heal so well that his twattery means nothing to you.

I also would consider it fair game to tell anybody that he shows of how wonderful a dad he is to, the facts about how little time he can actually be arsed with his kid, that he doesn't pay a penny and can't be arsed to give his sick kid a proper meal.

YANBU at all I thought he was a w**r by your second sentence.
Your daughter will see him for what he is and you sound like you're doing an amazing job.

You're unreasonable only in thinking that others don't see he's barely involved; most people like to be polite but can see the minimal effort because they know who's actually there every day. All that matters is your DD, if he shows up for a play and it pleases her then that's good, but she will know how little time he put in compared with you. You don't get praise for being a good parent, instead you get to cuddle your little girl every night and tell her you love her.

How do you know what people say to him or what they think? Are you sure they all think he is so great?

DD adores her dad, and her face lights up when she realises her dads in the crowd at plays/sports/performances

You know that's because - like any child - she is absolutely desperate for him to love her and give her the kind of attention and meaningful relationship she has with you?

Her face lights up because he's finally actually bothered with something, because she feels she's finally been good enough and special enough to get his attention and for him to care. She's excited and hopeful he's finally going to love her properly.

It's not adoration in the way you're painting it, it's desperation for love and attention from an absent, neglectful parent. Children are hardwired to seek love from parents.

Don't resent her for it or feel rejected.

But it is true that the bar to being a good dad is much, much lower than being a good mum. What always puzzles me is that women themselves often make it so.
When my ex took me to the court for 100% residence (and as in OPs case, he did not want me to even have visitation - not because there's anything wrong with me, just he thought that would be "less confusing" for the children), he brought a couple of genuine witness statements from his neighbours saying they will be delighted to provide regular childcare for free, help with housework etc etc, while he is working. All of them women, who have never even met our children, and knew him maximum for a few months. I can only imagine if I went round to my own neighbours (who I am quite friendly with) with a sob story like: "I am a single mum to a 1 and 2 year old, the other parent is not involved, need to work, don't want to pay ££££ in childcare - mind having them 7 to 7 one day a week?" A single mother in this situation is a clear CF, a single father - a tragic hero worthy of admiration and help.

@forinborin so right. My Ex has gained status so many times with his ‘Dad’ persona, in a way that I do not get at all as the mother. He barely sees our son, but his wife thinks he’s fantastic and so mature because he’s a Dad, her family took him to heart because of his fatherhood stories, he is elevated! It is crazy.

I think something’s gone really wrong with our society. I don’t want the ‘old days’ back but at least I got a sense that if a Dad wasn’t seen to provide he was looked down on. Now a Dad just has to say he is one, doesn’t have to parent or provide and magically he’s surrounded by gold! Often it is the Dad’s who say ‘well I tried to get full custody or 50/50’ - and then get more ‘gold’ for being a sad great Dad who loves their kids so much but the evil mother won’t let them.

Very, very wrong. Sorry I realise not all men. But my goodness way, way too many!

@Rejoiningperson
Yes, A Sad Dad who had to take his evil ex to court for 50/50 residence is also a common story. In all situations like that that I know, even after 50/50 has been awarded by the court, the novelty wore off pretty quickly and the father started treating "his" 50% as a right and not as an obligation. As in, I feel like being a 50% Dad this week, but then I am off for the next month, and then we'll see. And the mother then faces a couple of years proving to the court that the de-facto care is not equal and asking for an amendment to the child arrangements order - to have a chance to claim child maintenance.

This does not apply, of course, to amicable 50/50 parenting arrangements - I know a few as well, and they seem to be working great.

I am deeply cynical about 50/50 myself. I fear it is used more often to appease father’s who want to feel less guilty, to evade maintenance and to keep control. I think mother’s do it because they also feel guilty and don’t want their kids to ‘miss out’. I even looked into the evidence - is it really better for kids? And no, it really isn’t better in the evidence. It says it can work, but is no better for father’s relationships, and in many cases it is worse for kids esp if there is conflict between parents.

The evidence says the best predictors for a child’s wellbeing, relationships and outcomes are:

• low conflict between parents
• financial security

For me my Ex wanted to be 50/50 but wants to give our child to his sister so he doesn’t have to change a thing. I find it unbelievable how many people don’t see this as an issue - whether in RL or on mumsnet. Why would I want to co parent with my kids aunt rather than parent myself? It’s mind boggling. This isn’t a bit of babysitting, this is bringing in someone to effectively take over as an equal parent. It’s huge and it’s a serious decision. But of course, it’s all to make my Ex feel like he’s a 50/50 Dad, and to avoid maintenance, and to keep control. It absolutely stinks. It’s easier as his sister isn’t a good parent, in fact hasn’t a clue, and our child is severely disabled, so even a court would not allow this. But even if she was OK - 50/50 should only ever be about a very amicable, thought through, co parenting arrangement. It shoudln’t be a tool of power!

It’s quite tough at the moment to keep our core I think. The core is providing the best for our kids and keeping them secure despite all the rubbish after a split.

What a prick. Don't worry OP your DD will see him for what he is as she grows up.

My attention was drawn to my ex bragging online about an award my daughter received for maths. Someone said "oh bee! How lovely that he's so involved".

I was very wtaf? Because he has literally never put in any time at picking school, parents evening, homework, lock down online etc. I have, my husband has and of course SHE has worked bloody hard. I don't brag about her results, because THEY ARE HERS.

Her grandmother (ex's mother) also has been saying how she "takes after her dad". He literally failed maths gcse the first time round.
Some people just live in a complete fantasy world about what they are actually like and how others see them. Unfortunately there are people who will get taken in by the bragging.

Your daughter will know and we help our children because we love them. When a man talks about his children after separation, I can't help but observe or subtly ask or critically listen to what he says he does financially and in terms of care then evaluate what they say and take the good points with a pinch of salt. Over time the position usually becomes clear if it's a colleague or family member. Although the responsibility is always the non-resident genetic parent's, I'm frequently astonished when their new partner facilitates or encourages or participates in poor treatment (I know not all do and there are many great step-parents) and then has children with this prince amongst men and expects them to be a better parent in the usual but not always inevitable subsequent break up.

Unfortunately @Zilla1 I think most of us are pretty naive about what good parenting is. We are too susceptible to a sob story, and only see bad when it is extreme. Most bad parenting is in the grey area. It’s amazing the amount of people, including women, who do not for example think maintenance should be a decent amount. Even on mumsnet, full of other parents, I have been derided even by single parents for saying that my Ex should be his fair share of maintenance - I get told I should go to work instead of being a parent.

I think we are quite immature at the moment about lots of aspects of parenting after a split. It takes quite a lot of wisdom to spot that a man who brags about being such a good father, is not necessarily good. Most people would not be like you and ask any questions about maintenance, or spot red flags of control.

Do you inform him of these things? I'm not sure it's your job to keep him updated.

@picklemewalnuts

Do you inform him of these things? I'm not sure it's your job to keep him updated.

Unfortunately with medical stuff the CAO states I have to tell him about them as he has PR.

Everything else he finds out about either through Facebook where leisure centre and the gymnastics club post photos/videos or from being on the schools mailing list so I don't directly tell him he just knows. Plus DD will tell him herself.

Yanbu the bar for non-resident dads is on the floor. I get told I'm lucky that ex sees the kids a similar amount to your ex. Except he doesn't go to awards etc which would have meant the world to the kids.

To protect yourself, the best thing to aim for is cynical amusement at your ex's bragging. Don't fret about others believing it - more fool them. I'm another one whose child saw through the lies from the age of 12. Truth will out in the end.

@Rejoiningperson

I am deeply cynical about 50/50 myself. I fear it is used more often to appease father’s who want to feel less guilty, to evade maintenance and to keep control. I think mother’s do it because they also feel guilty and don’t want their kids to ‘miss out’. I even looked into the evidence - is it really better for kids? And no, it really isn’t better in the evidence. It says it can work, but is no better for father’s relationships, and in many cases it is worse for kids esp if there is conflict between parents.

The evidence says the best predictors for a child’s wellbeing, relationships and outcomes are:

• low conflict between parents
• financial security

For me my Ex wanted to be 50/50 but wants to give our child to his sister so he doesn’t have to change a thing. I find it unbelievable how many people don’t see this as an issue - whether in RL or on mumsnet. Why would I want to co parent with my kids aunt rather than parent myself? It’s mind boggling. This isn’t a bit of babysitting, this is bringing in someone to effectively take over as an equal parent. It’s huge and it’s a serious decision. But of course, it’s all to make my Ex feel like he’s a 50/50 Dad, and to avoid maintenance, and to keep control. It absolutely stinks. It’s easier as his sister isn’t a good parent, in fact hasn’t a clue, and our child is severely disabled, so even a court would not allow this. But even if she was OK - 50/50 should only ever be about a very amicable, thought through, co parenting arrangement. It shoudln’t be a tool of power!

It’s quite tough at the moment to keep our core I think. The core is providing the best for our kids and keeping them secure despite all the rubbish after a split.

When I got divorced, long time ago, I had to see a Judge in Chambers as he was unhappy that we had no formal agreement for where the children would live and access arrangements. There were teenager/almost teenager so a bit different to little ones but our agreement was they could come and go as it suited their lives, hobbies generally easier at dad's school easier at mine. I had to fight quite hard to convince him that the one thing we were united on was the children weren't our possessions but their own people with their own minds. He eventually gave in but warned me it would never work. It did.