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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To message someone an ask if she slept with bf?

73 replies

shuz1980 · 16/04/2021 17:41

I have my suspicions my bf of 13 years slept with someone else while we were separated. We were separated so he was a single man but found out he went to see said girl which he first denied but with evidence he couldn't deny so turned in into 'she's an old friend, we didn't do anything' it really plays on my mind. And even though' sleeping' with her 'wasnt wrong' the lying about it is. If someone messaged you asking if you slept with their bf would you tell the truth? They've apparently known each others years. Although i never met her in all our years together so obviously not that good a friend but she might feel loyal to him and lie. Would ibu to message anyway?

OP posts:
TaraR2020 · 16/04/2021 17:43

I wouldn't necessarily expect a reply if you did message her. The first thing she'll do is tell your oh and she might then block you.

I'm sorry you're dealing with such uncertainty, op.

OldEvilOwl · 16/04/2021 17:44

The first thing she will do before replying is message him. They will then get their stories straight to make sure they are saying the same thing. I wouldn't reply if I was her

CinnabarRed · 16/04/2021 17:45

It’s not your business as you were separated at the time.

rainbowthoughts · 16/04/2021 17:45

I think YABU to be with him. You have already had a period of separation and now want to message someone to ask if she had sex with him because you cannot believe his answer to you.

spotcheck · 16/04/2021 17:46

No good will come of asking.
Did he never mention her at all? And as soon as he is free he goes off and possibly sleeps with her?
Hmm

SissySpacekAteMyHamster · 16/04/2021 17:47

It's none of your business. Your partner doesn't have a right to know who you've slept with in your lifetime (when not in a relationship with him), so why do you think you should be able to ask him.

Magnificentmug12 · 16/04/2021 17:47

You were on a break!

Isaidnope · 16/04/2021 17:48

It’s none of your business really. You weren’t together at the time so he was free to do as he wished, as were you. It would be nice for people to remain loyal during a temporary separation but not everyone seems to want to do this. He didn’t technically do anything wrong even if he did sleep with her and she doesn’t owe you an answer. I think messaging her would be a bit weird tbh.

BlueDahlia69 · 16/04/2021 17:49

If you ask her this question OP, you are giving her all the power in your relationship.

If She says yes, your relationship is fractured. If She says no, you won't believe her anyway and your relationship is still fractured.

TheThingsWeAdmitOnMN · 16/04/2021 17:49

It wouldn't bother me if you asked me, but I'm afraid my loyalty would be to my friend. If you were separated at the time, I wouldn't have seen why sleeping with him was a 'no go', so being asked about it would indicate an issue within your relationship that I can't really help with.

Though if he had intended on getting back with you and I knew that, I wouldn't have had sex with him & I'd have told him not to be such a bloody idiot if he loves you!

It to be honest you'll only feel bad about yourself if you do ask her!

SnarkyBag · 16/04/2021 17:50

I wouldn’t lie I just wouldn’t respond. You’re issue is with not trusting your partner don’t drag some else into your relationship problems. She doesn’t owe you an explanation of anything she’s done in the past.

Willyoujustbequiet · 16/04/2021 17:55

If a woman messaged me like this I'd tell her the truth. I despise liars.

ImInStealthMode · 16/04/2021 17:55

This happened to a friend of mine. She'd had an after party at her flat with a few friends of friends there, and got a message from a random girl shortly after asking if anything had happened between her and one of the guys.

She replied something along the lines of 'No he was just at my place, but if he's the kind of guy who's causing you to have doubts and be reduced to asking these questions of people you don't know then consider your self-respect and if he's a good guy to be with. Take care of yourself'

Better words than that but the same sentiment.

Marshasthorn · 16/04/2021 17:56

I’d tell your bf to run for the hills.

You sound like a nut job.

Blankspace101 · 16/04/2021 17:57

There is no way I’d discuss my sex life with a stranger if they texted me out of the blue.

How did you get evidence that he had spent time with this woman?

MissMaple82 · 16/04/2021 17:58

Leave the past in the past. He's done nothing wrong and doesn't have to tell you every aspect of his life. What are you gaining?

OutrageousFlavourLikeFreesias · 16/04/2021 17:58

If someone I didn't know messaged me to ask me if I'd had sex with a particular man, I would block them without replying, whether I had or I hadn't. I wouldn't want any contact at all with someone who would ask me such a personal and intrusive question, by text, without ever meeting me. Honestly, I'd find it creepy and weird and frightening.

Also: even if she replied and said "no, we didn't have sex" would you believe her?

Beseigedbykillersquirrels · 16/04/2021 18:03

There is no future in any of this.

SushiYum · 16/04/2021 18:05

You were on a break! Why did you separate in the first place? You can’t have a healthy relationship if you don’t trust each other.

Allwokedup · 16/04/2021 18:07

You weren’t together and you don’t know if he’s lying, he’s also not obliged to tell you about his sex love when you weren’t his partner, you sound very jealous. He’s don’t nothing wrong just stop!

Moondust001 · 16/04/2021 18:08

You were separated. None of your business. Honestly, if you had the cheek to ask the question, I'd say yes even if it wasn't true. You either trust him now, or you don't. What he did when you separated is nothing to do with you, any more than what you did is his business.

lockdownalli · 16/04/2021 18:09

I wouldn't. It's none of your business.

MixedUpFiles · 16/04/2021 18:11

Whatever the answer, asking her will ruin your relationship.

He should be honest about his sexual history. You need to trust him. If you don’t, then you shouldn’t be with him.

FabulouslyFab · 16/04/2021 18:13

@Magnificentmug12

You were on a break!
😂😂
SergeantCatFlap · 16/04/2021 18:18

If you're that hung up over a potential one night stand from when you were separated - honestly end this relationship. its not healthy.

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