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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To message someone an ask if she slept with bf?

73 replies

shuz1980 · 16/04/2021 17:41

I have my suspicions my bf of 13 years slept with someone else while we were separated. We were separated so he was a single man but found out he went to see said girl which he first denied but with evidence he couldn't deny so turned in into 'she's an old friend, we didn't do anything' it really plays on my mind. And even though' sleeping' with her 'wasnt wrong' the lying about it is. If someone messaged you asking if you slept with their bf would you tell the truth? They've apparently known each others years. Although i never met her in all our years together so obviously not that good a friend but she might feel loyal to him and lie. Would ibu to message anyway?

OP posts:

ilovesooty · 16/04/2021 18:19

I'd ignore and block you.

MarcelinesMa · 16/04/2021 18:20

Firstly, it’s not any of your business. Secondly, why bother? You didn’t believe him so why would you believe whatever answer she gave you even if it was the truth. You don’t trust him and whether he is a liar or not that’s miserable for both of you.

Aquamarine1029 · 16/04/2021 18:22

What he did whilst single is none of your business. You are stepping dangerously close to the unhinged territory.

CallmeHendricks · 16/04/2021 18:22

Why should she discuss her sex life with you, a stranger to her?
It is your boyfriend you should be taking this up with, if you wish to.

Bluntness100 · 16/04/2021 18:23

I’m not sure lying about it is wrong. What’s wrong is asking him who he shagged when he was single. In fact demanding to know and interrogating it’s none of your bloody business.

katy1213 · 16/04/2021 18:24

What an impertinent question. Don't show yourself up. If you're separated, you're separated - and if you can't handle this, then maybe you should split up for good. You can't send him out into the world with a label round his neck, saying "Hands off- because I might want him back."

stealthninjamum · 16/04/2021 18:24

Op I’m sorry you’re going through this but I don’t think you’ll be happy with her answer whatever she says.

Planty13 · 16/04/2021 18:25

God don’t message her. You were separated. If you were in a relationship and you desperately needed answers, I’d get it. But you were not together and your relationship is nothing at all to do with her. Leave her out of it

Bluntness100 · 16/04/2021 18:26

If you messaged me asking me, I’d think you were a proper nutter and block you. Because who I shagged is my business, not yours and as this man was single it was none of your business from that angle either.

Are you just a really jealous person and can’t control yourself?

Roszie · 16/04/2021 18:29

No don't do it

Meowchickameowmeow · 16/04/2021 18:30

You know this is a bit loony right OP? Who he had sex with when you weren't together is none of your business and even if it was then your issue would be with him, not the other person.
I'd ignore such a message and think you were a nutter.

FrippEnos · 16/04/2021 18:34

Is this type of asking and not getting the 'correct' response one of the reasons why you broke up?

Mrgrinch · 16/04/2021 18:34

A prime example of why I think breaks never work.

ghostyslovesheets · 16/04/2021 18:36

it's really not any of your business - he wasn't your BF at the time and was free to do as he pleased - as was she

1Morewineplease · 16/04/2021 18:36

If you do ask... it will end in tears.
You may be told what you don't want to hear ( and, don't forget, you're not entitled to know as you weren't in a relationship with him at the time.)

Your 'boyfriend' may , rightly take great exception to your stalking and deceitful manner and may, rightly, dump you.

If you don't trust him, which you obviously don't, why are you with him?

Have you thought about your own self-respect?
You will not come out of this smelling of roses.

WorraLiberty · 16/04/2021 18:39

If someone messaged you asking if you slept with their bf would you tell the truth?

If I'd slept with a single man (which is what he was at the time), I'd consider that question really intrusive and refuse to answer it.

I'd also state the obvious which is that you need to speak to your boyfriend and not drag me into it.

idontlikealdi · 16/04/2021 18:39

Anyone else screaming 'BUT WE WERE ON A BREAK!'

Seriously don't do it, what if she says no, you'll still torture yourself that she's lying.

What if she ignores you, you'll still be going round in circles.

What if she says yes, then what do you do? Do you believe her?

Anotherdayanotherdollar · 16/04/2021 18:39

Of course you wbu! Why would she disclose her private information to a complete stranger?? What if she says yes, are you going to take the word of a stranger instead of your partners?? She doesn't need to be involved in your relationship. If you don't trust him move on.

JeanClaudeVanDammit · 16/04/2021 18:40

You don’t trust him. There’s no point trying to be together again. If I got that message I’d ignore it. You were separated, she owes you nothing.

sammylady37 · 16/04/2021 18:40

If someone i’d never met texted me asking about my sex life, they’d get very short shrift.

You have no right to quiz him and try do detective work to find out who he may have fucked when you and he were not together. He was a single man and free to have sex with other people. It’s very very controlling, possessive and jealous to be contemplating what you are contemplating.

Aprilx · 16/04/2021 18:47

If someone messaged you asking if you slept with their bf would you tell the truth?

If you, a stranger, contacted me about a possible thing between me and another single person (as he was at the time) I would block you and not reply. I would also be quite alarmed about you having my personal details as I would see you as slightly unhinged and possibly dangerous (jealousy drives some people to take extreme steps).

normalsaline · 16/04/2021 18:48

It’s none of your business. If I got that text from you I’d ignore it while thinking ‘god help that guy’

BigFatLiar · 16/04/2021 19:14

He first denied it and then said ok he had seen her but nothing happened.

He may well have lied because he doesn't believe you'd accept he had seen someone whether or not he did or didn't sleep with her.

He doesn't trust you and you don't trust him yet you both want to be together?

Lbnc2021 · 16/04/2021 19:59

I had a girl messaging me because I dated her ex a couple of times after they had split up and before they got back together again. I found it really intrusive and embarrassing. It was none of her bloody business what happened between us as they weren’t together. Because I didn’t give her the answers she wanted to hear she would message anyone who knew me and ask them. It’s no surprise she has a reputation of being a bit of a basket case now.

LemonRoses · 16/04/2021 20:00

Why you have a boyfriend you don’t trust?

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