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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Relative found dead after a few days.... I think we are bad people

98 replies

MariaAngustias · 15/04/2021 10:58

We have a distant relative who was a recluse, could never interact socially with others and probably these days would be classified as aspergers or similar but was just thought of as a bit odd and a loner. Perfectly nice person just did not wish to interact and was very uncomfortable and unable to make eye contact. To cut a long story short she was found dead in her house after quite a long time and we only just found out after 3 months of her lying in the morgue. We are of course feeling like the shittest family every and wondering what we could /should have done. As far as we were aware, she had a good job, retired and had a nice home and car and just kept herself to herself. Apart from a Christmas card both ways and a letter we did not have contact. God, are we the worst people on the planet. If we had known she was ill we would of course helped. She died of natural causes. We are paying for a funeral and sorting out everything but I just feel so bad, so sad for her that she ended up like that and the only reason she was found was that the postman realised there was a mountain of mail... It is a huge shock and it is making me think we should have made more of an effort. I have other relatives i have lost touch with - this is so hard. She lived fairly local. It is too late to help her now and we have to live with this.

OP posts:

SuitableJobForaWoman · 15/04/2021 11:02

You said she is a distant relative, there were no other closer relatives?

RaspberryCoulis · 15/04/2021 11:03

Sorry for your loss, @MariaAngustias. Please don;t beat yourself up over this. From your post it was clear that your relative was a recluse and chose not to have contact. You cannot force a relationship with someone who isn't interested, how ever much effort you put in. You respected her wishes and kept the relationship on her terms - Christmas cards only.

SpringItIsThen · 15/04/2021 11:06

Hooefully, she lived her life the way she wanted - some people do enjoy being left alone and they're happier that way - so there's nothing you could have done except impose yourselves on her to feel better.

That she happened to die alone doesn't mean her life was sad - it's just one of those things.

SpringItIsThen · 15/04/2021 11:06

Hopefully*

Saz12 · 15/04/2021 11:10

OP, this must be a very hard situation for you. Rightly or wrongly you genuinely believed she was content with a comfortable life she had chosen for herself (obviously I can’t say if she was or wasn’t happy, never having even met her!). A horrible situation now, and sympathies to you.

sleepyhead · 15/04/2021 11:11

I agree with pp. Your relative may have found it difficult and upsetting to have had the support that would have prevented this happening.

Thank you for sharing your story as it may prompt others to consider non-intrusive ways to can make sure vulnerable relatives who don't wish to keep contact are safe. The caveat being, there may be no acceptable ways to the person to achieve that.

If your relative had capacity then it was quite right that they could choose how they lived their life, and the consequences of that unfortunately follow. They are at peace and were not harmed by not being found or identified for an extended period of time after death. Be kind to yourself.

Honeybobbin · 15/04/2021 11:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Horehound · 15/04/2021 11:13

This is not your burden. It is a sad story but it was not your responsibility
Be kind to yourself.

BobbuhT · 15/04/2021 11:14

This is so sad. Reach out to other relatives?

GreatestSh0wUnicorn · 15/04/2021 11:22

Sounds like she was happy living this way and was happy with no contact.

Sloth66 · 15/04/2021 11:25

Was talking to a friend only yesterday with what sounds a very similar male relative.

You tried your best, but at the end of the day you can’t force contact on someone who doesn’t want it.
Please don’t blame yourself.

GammyLeg · 15/04/2021 11:28

It sounds like she lived and died on her own terms. You couldn’t have forced contact, it’s not your fault.

AvocadosBeforeMortgages · 15/04/2021 11:29

This isn't your fault. You respected her wishes in lifetime - and I'm sure she would have been upset by the sort of frequent incursions that would have been necessary to prevent this happening.

If you were going to go around once a week to check they weren't dead, you'd be (correctly) regarded as nuts.

BlowDryRat · 15/04/2021 11:30

It doesn't sound like you did anything wrong. If she was most happy and comfortable alone and you respected that, then that's ok. Her body being found after so long isn't nice but it doesn't mean she had a terrible death.

aiwblam · 15/04/2021 11:30

There is no need to blame yourself at all.

If she had wanted help or company, she could have asked you. Some people actively do not want to socialise or interact with others and it really sounds like this was her choice and she wanted to be alone.

At least she is now free. Try to think of it that way.

UCOinanOCG · 15/04/2021 11:30

It sounds like she wasn't unwell as she died of natural causes. Whether she was found within an hour or much longer afterwards it is not likely any intervention might have helped. She lived life her own way and probably didn't want any outside interference even from well meaning relatives. Hopefully you can give her a good send off and make peace with yourselves that you probably couldn't have done anything else for her.

GrumpyHoonMain · 15/04/2021 11:32

Yes I agree more could have been done and more effort been made, but it’s done now. There’s no way to undo anything so it’s best to just to focus on family members who are alive, give anyone you haven’t heard from in a while a quick call or message asking how they are.

Bluetrews25 · 15/04/2021 11:36

She lived and died the way she wanted.
Don't be hard on yourself because you did what she wanted.
She could have contacted you at any time, and you would have jumped to be there. But she chose not to do that.
And that's ok. Just tough for you as the one left behind.

userxx · 15/04/2021 11:37

You cant force contact with someone. It's sad but that is how she chose to live her life.

cariadlet · 15/04/2021 11:39

I can understand the guilt but you are most definitely not a shitty family.

I think that you need to try and reframe things in your mind. Don't dwell on the fact that her body was lying in the morgue for that time. She was already dead so that won't have affected her at all;it won't have caused any kind of physical or emotional distress to her.

Instead, try to focus on the fact that she was lucky enough to live her last days in just the way that she wanted. I'm autistic, and - much as I love dp and dd - I know that if they died before me, I would be perfectly happy living on my own. I could easily fill my days pottering around without getting bored or feeling the need for other people.

You asked what more you could have done, what more support you could have given but the important question is whether the relative had reached out for support and been rebuffed. This wasn't the case. No support was given because none was needed or wanted.

You said that she died of natural causes. That would have happened even if you had visited regularly, even if you had been there. You couldn't have prevented her death, you let her live the life that she wanted and now you are going to take care of her funeral. There is nothing to feel guilty about because there's nothing more that you could or should have done.

Pootles34 · 15/04/2021 11:39

You've done nothing wrong here at all. You've respected her wishes - she lived life the way she wanted!

I think the issue here is you're looking at her live through your eyes - you would have been lonely so you're assuming she was. In fact it's quite clear that she liked her own company - it's no bad thing. Be a bit more kind to yourself.

BrumBoo · 15/04/2021 11:39

It's terribly sad, but not everyone wants to be connected in this world. Not often, but true of many. I hope her passing was as peaceful as it could be, don't carry around unnecessary guilt for someone who just didn't live by the same social expectations. It reads like they simply didn't want familial relationships and that's ok.

HopeHappy · 15/04/2021 11:40

Don't feel bad OP (easier said than done, I know). If you'd tried to do more it sounds like your relative would not have accepted help/support/additional contact anyway. If they were truly content with their life, then know that they died in a way that suited them.

My DP has a relative that we've already said we suspect this will happen with. He's in his 40s now but lives with his elderly DM who is the contact point within the family. Once she's no longer around we'll no doubt only have annual Christmas card contact with her DS and he'll disappear from any family gatherings (which they barely attend now anyway). Any contact will be one sided. He's very similar to your relative - very quiet, very private/shy and we know he'll just turn in to a total recluse.

He has a DSis who will no doubt be more successful at contacting him but again I imagine this will be one-sided. If it wasn't for her we fear that we'd only find out about him dying if a Christmas card didn't arrive one year.

PembrokeshireDreaming · 15/04/2021 11:41

You can't change what has happened if it was normal to only have contact at Christmas then you can't have been expected to know. Understandably, you are now evaluating other relationships..........might be a time to catch up with others.
Don't blame yourself........relationships are a two-way street, very difficult to maintain a relationship with someone who doesn't want one.

UhtredRagnarson · 15/04/2021 11:42

Comfort yourself OP with the knowledge that your relative had no idea that it took a long time for anyone to find her or know she was dead. She won’t have been sad about that. As far as her death goes it was the same as if she would have been found an hour later.

It sounds like she lived life how she liked it and it’s sad that she died but she would have died of those natural causes regardless of whether you were more in touch or not.

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