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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Relative found dead after a few days.... I think we are bad people

98 replies

MariaAngustias · 15/04/2021 10:58

We have a distant relative who was a recluse, could never interact socially with others and probably these days would be classified as aspergers or similar but was just thought of as a bit odd and a loner. Perfectly nice person just did not wish to interact and was very uncomfortable and unable to make eye contact. To cut a long story short she was found dead in her house after quite a long time and we only just found out after 3 months of her lying in the morgue. We are of course feeling like the shittest family every and wondering what we could /should have done. As far as we were aware, she had a good job, retired and had a nice home and car and just kept herself to herself. Apart from a Christmas card both ways and a letter we did not have contact. God, are we the worst people on the planet. If we had known she was ill we would of course helped. She died of natural causes. We are paying for a funeral and sorting out everything but I just feel so bad, so sad for her that she ended up like that and the only reason she was found was that the postman realised there was a mountain of mail... It is a huge shock and it is making me think we should have made more of an effort. I have other relatives i have lost touch with - this is so hard. She lived fairly local. It is too late to help her now and we have to live with this.

OP posts:

EnglishRain · 15/04/2021 11:42

It doesn't sound like she wanted more contact, and it sounds that if you had have been in contact more it might have effectively been to check if she was still alive. That's not a reason to keep in touch with someone. It's sad for you because you are the one left behind and able to feel bad about it. But your relative doesn't feel like that. It's probably come as a shock to you having not known she had died, but you shouldn't feel guilty. I am sure you still will, but you shouldn't. I'm sorry for your loss

RB68 · 15/04/2021 11:43

People choose how they live, neighbours perhaps should have been a bit more aware but if she kept people at arms length how can things have been seen especially at the moment with isolation and shielding they would have assumed that. Its sad but it happens. Her estate should pay for the funeral, so someone will need to sort that out, find out if there is a will and if not then submit for a grant of administration this would appoint someone as the executor who can then sort the finances out etc

Sad but it was also down to how she lived her life.

Silverfly · 15/04/2021 11:43

Try not to feel guilty OP. Your relative may not have wanted anything more from you. She died of natural causes in their own home, which is what many of us would want at the end.

SpiderinaWingMirror · 15/04/2021 11:45

Honestly don't blame yourself.
My mums sister went to America as a young woman, exchanged xmas cards with my mum. Has no other family. Christmas cards stopped coming 2 years ago. I tried to find out what happened but cant. People choose the lives they lead or rather lead them the best way they can.
My own mum has no friends and only speaks to me. If she didn't have family, she could go a similar way.

giletrouge · 15/04/2021 11:48

@MariaAngustias I am very sorry for your loss. You did nothing wrong, nothing at all. Let me say this - I am fairly reclusive, and I have considered the possibility that my life could end like this, and I have made my peace with it. It will have been, on some level, my choice. Some people just find other people hugely difficult. It doesn't even mean I don't like people - I actually love some people very much. But I find being with people for too long very stressful. I can't imagine it being very different if I was dying.
Please be at peace. You are not at fault in any way.

GiveMeTulipsfromAmsterdam · 15/04/2021 11:48

Did she own her own house. Sometimes distant relatives pop up after someone dies to inherit.... hopefully the local dog's home gets it all rather than someone who didn't bother to just say hello are you ok occasionally.

However, people chose their own way and others are 'busy' and so lose touch. She may have not wanted contact or she may have wanted to say hello to 'relatives' now and again but didn't know how to reach out .... too late now. She might have mental health issues - many people that do keep that quiet.

Naillig222 · 15/04/2021 11:52

How terribly sad.

If your post means that one person keeps a closer eye on an older/reclusive relative then at least something positive will have come from this.

I know the posts saying that she died the way she wanted are meant well but really, I doubt anyone wants to be left in a room undiscovered for a long period and then transferred to a morgue for further months. It is a desperately sad situation.

GiveMeTulipsfromAmsterdam · 15/04/2021 11:52

I have a different view to many but how is a Christmas care once a year trying your best? Reading the original post there was contact at all...how is that trying?

Not saying that OP should have 'tried' that's up to her and her family but what's with the 'you tried your best' comments... doesn't make any sense at all.

alwayscrashinginthesamecar1 · 15/04/2021 11:53

You did nothing wrong, why are you beating yourself up? It sounds like she was happy living her life as she did, not everyone wants to live in their family's pockets.

pointythings · 15/04/2021 11:55

I'm so sorry this happened, but please don't blame yourself. Your relative chose to live an isolated life - this was always going to be a risk. I lost my husband in the same way - he was an alcoholic and had had to leave the family home after a police incident. We were going through divorce at the time, but I kept in touch, helped him with shopping and so on. Until he completely stopped responding to any communications from anyone. I and the wider family tried and got nowhere. He died in his flat during very hot weather and was found some days later. It was very unpleasant. It was also a consequence of the choices he had made.

Please get some support for yourself if you find your feelings of guilt are getting too strong - you have done nothing wrong.

BRB2021 · 15/04/2021 11:56

What is your "AIBU"? Not sure how to vote

OrangeRug · 15/04/2021 11:56

You are NOT bad people/family. You respected her boundaries and kept contact at a level she was happy with. As PP have said some people are happy being alone.

Mellonsprite · 15/04/2021 11:58

You can’t force contact on people if they don’t want it. It sounds like you respected her wishes on how she wanted to communicate and keep in touch with her.
It’s sad, I wonder if she kept the neighbours at a distance too.

GiveMeTulipsfromAmsterdam · 15/04/2021 12:00

@Naillig222

How terribly sad.

If your post means that one person keeps a closer eye on an older/reclusive relative then at least something positive will have come from this.

This is a bit like I thought when reading it.... how does anyone know if she 'died like she wanted' she might have been dreadfully lonely and I cannot image anyone dying and thinking it ok for a dead body to lay around for time and then in a morgue unclaimed by anyone.

Sorry but no it doesn't sit well. I used to work in finance and the families came swarming after death so I tend to be critical of families that feel a bit sad and sorry after the event but too late then and the ones that then want 'their inheritance' are just awful (the OP not included since no idea if she will inherit her estate with or without others or indeed in there is one).....

Maybe live and learn and if any other relatives - check in and see if they are indeed happy

GoddessKali · 15/04/2021 12:01

I know this sounds horrible..... but if you had of found her only the day after it would t of made any difference, she still would of died.
I believe every soul should have a ‘send off’ of some sorts to help their soul to pass over - which you are doing and I’m sure the love and compassion you have felt towards her since you found out has brought healing.
Please don’t be harsh on yourself.
Honestly when I die - I really don’t care what happens to my body / carcass so just take comfort in giving her a lovely funeral

CeibaTree · 15/04/2021 12:03

Perfectly nice person just did not wish to interact

Very sad situation and I understand why you feel so bad, but if she didn't wish to interact with you and chose to live her life as a recluse, you haven't really done anything wrong. You say she was a distant relative - I have distant relatives that we only swap christmas cards with too as do a lot of people. It's unfortunate that her closer family were not involved with her, or none of her neighbours noticed anything was amiss.

BornIn78 · 15/04/2021 12:04

The saddest thing to read was that she was in the morgue for 3 months. Nobody missed this lady for over 3 months. Yes, I would also feel pretty upset and guilty in this situation.

Lineofconcepcion · 15/04/2021 12:04

It does work both ways. If there is no contact at all with a relative - well then they probably don't want any.

DontbesuchanarseGlenda · 15/04/2021 12:09

I understand your upset but please don’t feel bad about the outcome of someone else’s decisions.
(I also think the voting is a little confusing so please don’t feel bad about the results either)

Fairyflaps · 15/04/2021 12:21

I'm sorry for your loss.

We felt really bad when our uncle had a breakdown and no-one in the family realised what was happening for months! (This was despite fairly regular phone conversations). Luckily neighbours and social services were aware and intervened.

Although it may have been your relative's choice to keep herself to herself, single adults (more often men) with no close relatives can become very isolated, and lockdown has made that worse. Loneliness is a terrible thing, especially as people become older, and physically limited or housebound. But the responsibility for them does not just lie with their great niece or their second cousin twice removed, but with their friends, neighbours and community as a whole. Just as it takes a village to raise a child, it takes a community to care for its older members.

LizB62A · 15/04/2021 12:27

I would feel really bad about this, especially given the current situation which has encouraged me to check in with people I might not have heard from for a while.

Yes, it was her choice not to socialise but given what you've said you wouldn't have received a Christmas card from her in December 2020 - did you not try and contact her then ?

Hopefully this really sad event encourages everyone else to check up on their not-so-sociable friends and relatives....

BillMasheen · 15/04/2021 12:28

No, I disagree. I used to live alone, abroad with only sporadic contact with relatives. And I did like it that way. I can imagine that is I hadn’t married and had kids I’d still be happily living that way, gradually bothering less and less with other people and becoming a contented recluse.

When I lived alone I was well aware that If I died, no one would know, and I’d potentially end up in the same situation as the OPs relative. I had made my peace with the possibility. It was the price I might pay for the life I wanted.

grapewine · 15/04/2021 12:32

Agreed. Incredibly sad.

ConstantlyChanging · 15/04/2021 12:33

It’s really sad and distressing for you OP. But remember your relative lived the way she wanted or seemed to want and then died. That’s all they knew about it.

If anyone is in a similar situation, my mum had an elderly vehemently antisocial aunt who lived alone with no telephone and was a bit strange and mum set up a regular Tuesday call with aunt where aunt had to go to the phone box and call Mum and mum firmly let aunt know that if she didn’t hear from her she’d pop round. I think the fear of the ‘pop round’ made the phonecall happen tbh! Aunt had to accept that people cared and would be worried if she wasn’t in touch and tbh as much as the phonecall was usually a grumpy ‘Still alive, ok? Happy now?’ there were times when she’d chat more and I think the little routine of popping down to the phone box actually came to mean something to her. When mum was ill aunt cried when she heard the diagnosis which was unheard of in terms affection (mum was ok and aunt continued to be horrid). It also meant when aunt fell ill she let the ward staff know mum needed to be contacted. Sorry for the ramble but just saying that a couple of minutes a week can help you keep on top of tricky situations like this. But I still don’t think you did anything wrong OP.

Polyethyl · 15/04/2021 12:33

A veteran member of a group I'm in died a recluse's death.
The papers heaped criticism on us.
But we had sent letters, no reply.
We had phoned, not picked up.
We had knocked on the door, didn't open the door.

If someone chooses to be a recluse then forcing yourself on them is rude, bordering on illegal.
We organised a good funeral, but the criticism in the press was dreadful.

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