Friendships at different life stages

[Caerdydd99]

I am 46, have 2 kids (teens) and am fully in perimenopause with all that brings. I have a good friend expecting her first baby at 47.

Aibu to be finding it hard to navigate the friendship because of the different life stages we are at. I find that, as much as I really try, I find it hard to be interested in baby stuff. I am trying to be supportive.

On the flip, she’s not interested in teen stuff or perimenopause (I think she doesn’t want to face the fact that it’s coming to her soon because it highlights that she’s an older mum)

Aibu to find it so difficult & an unusual dilemma- I want to hang out & chat with people I can talk to about this stage of my life. Same for her. Feels like there’s no middle ground at the moment & might not be again as she’ll have a toddler when my kids are leaving home. I find I am not that interested in little kids as much as I was because I have been through it and I am not as patient as I was!!

I am trying to be a good friend but I honestly don’t want to spend hours talking about baby stuff anymore - and she’s not interested in anything else at the moment (understandably) as she won’t have teens until her 60’s.

It’s all so weird! She’s an old friend & I love her a lot but we have suddenly hit this strange thing that I didn’t expect.

She was travelling when my kids were small so it was different and I guess the roles will reverse. Anyone experienced this?

Yeah first time Mums are the worst. So obsessed and strangely insecure and judgemental simultaneously. If you're a good friend you have to wait it out, they'll come put the other side eventually. Otherwise, nah. I definitely lost a lot of friends when I became a mother. One was upfront about it, just told me she doesn't do friendships with mothers. I've never heard from her since.

@Doona I mean, I get it as I was a first time mum once too and I remember how overwhelming it was. It’s just that I have so much going on too with teens, a job, crazy hormones, ageing parents. It’s hard to find a place of common ground I think.

Do you really spend all your time talking about your kids? I mean, some of the time, sure. But aren’t there other things to talk about?

Yes, she will inevitably go to ground for a while when the baby is born, but it sounds like a pretty superficial friendship if you don’t think you can ride it out.

My friends and I briefly touch on the kids, but then move on to more interesting topics.

@SaturdayRocks no, that’s what I mean. I don’t want to just talk about kids, there is so much else to talk about. But she does - she’s not had her baby yet - so it’s all development stages, buggy brands, breastfeeding or not, washable nappies or not. It’s hard to find a middle point.

Ah, fair enough. She is pulling it back to that.

That is pretty annoying.

How was she when you had your first baby and she was travelling? If you were all about your baby (as so many of us are first time round!) and she put up with that, I'd show the same tolerance, but if not I might be less willing to bend now. It depends really how much you want to keep the friendship and how important it is to you - might be worth just riding the wave for a couple of years, she will come out the other side!

Can you actively encourage her to join NCT as she will immediately make friends with people who are at exactly the same stage as you and that means that she will rely on them and not you.

It’s normal and natural. If she’s important enough to you, you can ride it out, but it’s going to be very baby-heavy for a couple of years at least.

Friendships ebb and flow. It’s ok to drift apart a bit and reconnect more later.

@LadyGAgain she’s doing NCT too - it’s still just ALL she talks about!! I know it’s a much wanted baby but honestly, It’s really dull and I feel terrible for saying that! 🙈 Her DP is the same- he was telling me the other day about the differences between boy and girl development at babies even though I have one of each!

God, I don’t mean to sound horrible as I love them both but honestly, I’m long past the baby stage! I tried to steer the conversation away to my Covid jab which isn’t exactly exciting but we were straight back to babies!

Aren't first time pregnant people always the same? Maybe lay low for a but till she has had the baby and is in the doing of it. I'm sure she will go back to being her.

Ahhh this is awkward because she’s doing something many people do at a completely different stage in life. If she’s a good friend and you value her then do try and stick around but the truth is that many people’s friendship circles change dramatically around children. It might be harder for her being an older mum in that sense, but my 5yo has a close friend whose parents must be well into their 50s. I’ve never asked, but I think she’s at least 20 years older than me. I know they got married the same year my parents did! None of that matters because she’s pretty awesome and I enjoy her company, but we have a shared experience that centres on our children.

I have other friends whose children are just that little bit younger than mine, and honestly I find spending time as an ensemble trying. I’d much rather see my best friend sans children because our kids have such different needs and interests and it’s frankly not relaxing because her youngest is still a toddler and needs much more supervision. When we get together with the kids I don’t feel like I’ve seen her.

She’s a new mum, it rewires you completely, and you do become a bit of a bore unfortunately. Only you can decide if there is a friendship worth holding on to.

I think it is completely person dependent.
I'm 31 and have primary age kids whereas the vast majority of my friends are pregnant or have new borns. I didn't really get much support when I was pregnant as they were partying and focussing on jobs however there were some that were lovely and excited to see my children when they were born. Some of my friends now are a nightmare for only talking about baby/ being pregnant and I must admit I don't see them as much and I was worried it was because I was being mean about newborns. However, others have a much more healthy balance and I really enjoy chatting on phone and going for walks with these friends and love seeing their little ones. They don't constantly talk about their kids and neither do I.
Hopefully she will chill soon.

I'm having my first child about 8 years after my friends had theirs.

When they were in the throes of new parenthood I listened to discussions on breastfeeding and babies' poo. I went to birthday parties for two-year-old and pretended to enjoy it. I attended meet-ups that started at 3.43pm precisely, to fit around naps and feeding. Some of my friends were able to discuss non-baby stuff, but many weren't for a good few years.

I tried to understand and join in and show as much support as I could.

I'll be pretty unimpressed if my friends aren't able to reciprocate now that I'm entering Babyland. I fully intend to give them a blow by blow account of the contents of my baby's nappy when the time comes, and I fully expect them to be fascinated, because, hey, payback time

@EdgeOfACoin the thing is- I wasn’t really like that as a first or second time mum. I did do NCT second time around but with this particular friend- and others who still don’t have kids- I did really try to be a rounded friend, partly because I wanted to keep some of myself too!

Ugh. I'm coming up for 47, and simply can't imagine having my first child now.
I'm too fat, old and lacking in energy
I'd obviously put a face on it for the sake of my friend, but inside I'd be thinking 'kill me now' at all the baby talk!
OP, did you read the thread from the other day about how our nurturing 'mummy' hormones go out the window when we're peri? It was very interesting.

My friend had a baby at that age and my dc who were teens loved it. We didn't see each other quite as often in the first year but after that it kept us closer because before she was a workaholic, when she had her baby she slowed right down and we were able to meet up. Regarding the menopause conversations, not all of us are that affected. I do partipate when it's bought up but they are pretty short. Anyone who is obsessing about it would probably find seeing an understanding doctor quite helpful.

You'll have a wealth of experience to pass on when the baby's born. It'll be a nice reminder too that yours are teens and sleepless nights are no more. My teen is a night owl though so I'm still woken up occasionally when she's talking on her phone. All this I share with my friend who has a baby. Parenting is always hard no matter what stage you're at. It's just harder in different ways. I like reassuring my friend that things do get better. Nothing compares to a baby's first year. I don't tell her that part yet though! We talk about lots of other things too. Books and tv talk is non existent now as she doesn't have time for those things but we talk about walks in the park, juggling work and children, how out families are, our houses, decluttering etc Yes the dynamics have changed but we're still really close. You'll be fine too. It's the same friend but different circumstances. The baby won't be a baby forever. Your friend may want to talk about other things apart from the baby. I know I did, especially when I returned to work as I felt I could be me again, even if it was just for a few hours.

I don't think it's necessary the fact that she's at the baby stage ... it's just that she's totally obsessed by it - I also had my baby late (42) but I really didn't talk much about it ..even I knew how utterly boring baby chat is. Equally my friends with older DC don't bore on about Sats/GCSE/Uni applications ... some people are just bores .

Not just related to DC ... met an acquaintance (won't call her a friend) yesterday, I asked 'how are you?' and for over 20 minutes she just droned on and on about her health problems without a single question to me.

@Zenithbear I think it’s more about entering a different phase of life and not menopause per se. I can see a time where I can travel again out of school hols and explore life again with my older children etc, try new stuff and have adventures. I am kind of excited for it and that’s what I love talking about!

[quote Caerdydd99]@EdgeOfACoin the thing is- I wasn’t really like that as a first or second time mum. I did do NCT second time around but with this particular friend- and others who still don’t have kids- I did really try to be a rounded friend, partly because I wanted to keep some of myself too![/quote]
Haha, fair enough!

I did have a couple of friends who clearly made an effort to talk about other things, and I really appreciated it. Trouble is, they were definitely in the minority.

They did eventually come out of it, though. After about 3 years they were keen to meet up without the kids and talk about other stuff. Can you ride it out with your friend? Normal services do resume...eventually!

I know what you mean OP. I think you can step back a bit when your friend has "mummy friends", keep the friendship on the backburner and hopefully pick it back up when kids older.

It's like everything else e.g. someone's diet plan is pretty dull unless you are also dieting.

I've been a baby bore, and I've been bored by babies!

I dunno. I'm 35, with a toddler and pregnant. I love having friends at different life stages, especially women who are older than me. I remember making friends with a few when my DD was around a year old, and it was such a breath of fresh air after a long time spent discussing nothing but weaning, sleeping, local nurseries etc. I love hearing about what other people are up to outside my silo and (not to sound too patronising I hope) gaining a bit of perspective. I also have a single gay friend around my age and when we meet up we basically do a deep dive of the local property market - don't think it'd appeal much to anyone else but I think it's absolutely brilliant.

Your friend is excited and her pregnancy is the only thing on her mind. Hopefully she'll settle down soon.

This is really odd to me. Obviously we all like to have friends who are going through similar phases of life so we can talk about what we're going through with someone who is having similar experiences. But we don't have to exclusively be friends with people in these life stages, do we? I'm in my 40s, I have friends in their teens, 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s and 60s. Some at similar life stages, some at completely different stages (obviously given the broad age differences). Even those of us close in age, with children close in age have different experiences as some are in longterm relationships, others are divorced/going through messy break-ups etc.

We talk about lots of things. TV shows, movies and books, politics, funny stories from when we were younger, shared hobbies, sex and relationships, sports, the major point in history we're currently living through, etc. Friendship is about a hell of a lot more than what age our kids are. I honestly find the idea that you can only be friends with someone if you sharing some very particular life circumstances really weird and restrictive.

@alittleprivacy well yes of course- I have friends at all life stages too and at all ages. But it’s more that there is only one topic of conversation that I am struggling with when there is so much other stuff going on and that we could be talking about. And so it’s brought into focus even more that we are at different points in our life. I have friends who are grandparents & retired etc too and younger work friends in their 20’s. I guess I could have phrased it better in that really it’s that my friend is a total baby bore but I do genuinely care about her and don’t want to be mean either. I am just finding it hard!!

Alittleprivacy that's not what the Op is saying - she's saying babies are ALL her friend and husband wants to talk about.

I think to a certain extent you just need to tune out and let it run. She'll meet more parents at toddler groups etc and that will help dissipate the baby chat. Having a child can be quite overwhelming but it won't last forever.