Friendships at different life stages

[Caerdydd99]

I am 46, have 2 kids (teens) and am fully in perimenopause with all that brings. I have a good friend expecting her first baby at 47.

Aibu to be finding it hard to navigate the friendship because of the different life stages we are at. I find that, as much as I really try, I find it hard to be interested in baby stuff. I am trying to be supportive.

On the flip, she’s not interested in teen stuff or perimenopause (I think she doesn’t want to face the fact that it’s coming to her soon because it highlights that she’s an older mum)

Aibu to find it so difficult & an unusual dilemma- I want to hang out & chat with people I can talk to about this stage of my life. Same for her. Feels like there’s no middle ground at the moment & might not be again as she’ll have a toddler when my kids are leaving home. I find I am not that interested in little kids as much as I was because I have been through it and I am not as patient as I was!!

I am trying to be a good friend but I honestly don’t want to spend hours talking about baby stuff anymore - and she’s not interested in anything else at the moment (understandably) as she won’t have teens until her 60’s.

It’s all so weird! She’s an old friend & I love her a lot but we have suddenly hit this strange thing that I didn’t expect.

She was travelling when my kids were small so it was different and I guess the roles will reverse. Anyone experienced this?

Sounds like the main problem is that she’s dull company at present! Eg talking at length about pregnancy and babies, and not reciprocating interest in your concerns / news. Basic conversation skills!

I stepped back from a few friendships due to this. One formerly good company friend almost solely talked about pregnancy / DC, even when others tried to change the subject. A family member only talks about themselves/their DC/concerns and asks almost nothing about others. In both cases it wasn’t - sadly - just a phase. So, still keep in touch and see them, but only occasionally.

I think it's maybe significant that she was travelling when you had your babies as presumably you weren't in quite as close contact so she didn't have to listen to you so much when you were going through that phase.

I wonder why you're feeling so very disinclined towards her though. I mean, surely the rest of your friends don't all have exactly the same things going on as you do yet this isn't an issue. It might be worth exploring what it is about this particular situation that is suddenly making the friendship problematic for you. That could give you ideas on how to resolve things.

[quote Caerdydd99]@Doona I mean, I get it as I was a first time mum once too and I remember how overwhelming it was. It’s just that I have so much going on too with teens, a job, crazy hormones, ageing parents. It’s hard to find a place of common ground I think.[/quote]
OP remember: this has been you for the last x years (however old your kids are)
She has been your friend through all these years your kids have been growing up and no doubt you went on about kid things then!
Even if she was travelling when they were born, what about the toddler or early school years. It’s all so incredibly boring if you don’t have kids.
During these past years you have had the kids tagging along and she probably wanted to be without them- just you and her. She has sucked it up and kept friends with you.
Now the roles are reversed. Be a supportive friend and stick with all the morning baby talk (and get excited with her! Remember back to that stage)
This sounds incredibly exciting for her and of you are a friend you will appreciate that

Sounds like the main problem is that she’s dull company at present! Eg talking at length about pregnancy and babies, and not reciprocating interest in your concerns / news. Basic conversation skills!

@Dozer yes, I think it is what you have said! 😬

@Mustgoon honestly I have made a real effort to see her regularly without the kids- I went to Amsterdam with her for a weekend just me & her a couple of years ago. I have tried to be a rounded friend as I know how bloody boring it all is when it’s all kids all the time.

Friendships change when circumstances change. At this moment you can easily be less close and be with people in similar phases. In a few years circumstances are different again and you may become closer or drift further apart. There is no need to break up, just spend less time together.

It's like when you and your bff went to different university and barely spoke for 4 years. And then when you moved back to homewime started to spend more time together.

@SaturdayRocks

Do you really spend all your time talking about your kids? I mean, some of the time, sure. But aren’t there other things to talk about?

Yes, she will inevitably go to ground for a while when the baby is born, but it sounds like a pretty superficial friendship if you don’t think you can ride it out.

My friends and I briefly touch on the kids, but then move on to more interesting topics.

This. I’m 48 with a nine year old, and my closest friends are 45 with teenagers, 49 with a 21 year old, 68 with a 22 year old, 55 with teenagers, 53 with a toddler and a five year old, and lots of people of all ages who don’t have children.

I don’t think children take up a great part of our conversation, though obviously we do end up listening periodically to baby stuff/teenage issues/adult children’s relationship problems etc. And don’t give upon the friendship when someone withdraws for a while because of a baby or other issues.

I remember this with my best friend having a baby when I was living the carefree single life and then when I had my own DC I had friends in the opposite position. If you want the friendship to survive then I think you have to appreciate that it does feel all consuming when you have your first baby and you probably had friends who felt similar to you when you had DC. It does come from both sides though; when my friend was having a baby we talked a lot about the baby but she showed an interest in my life too and when the baby was a few months old she made effort to see me alone and with baby. I tried to do the same when I had kids. I don’t think you need to be at the same stage with friends but it takes extra effort.

At 47 it’s a big change for her so I would cut her some slack but at the same time I would see her a bit less, so you can keep your sanity during your conversations.

It's a phase and will pass. Being pregnant is a bit all consuming, especially if it's a long awaited baby.

I lost a baby last year and had a couple of friends who were pregnant. They knew I had lost the baby but still their pregnancy was all they could talk about (despite me trying to steer the conversation to anything else) and I found it really upsetting. They were not first time mums.

I ended up avoiding them for the rest of tbe pregnancy. They've had the babies now and it's calmed down a bit.

Hang in there, if you've been friends for 15+ years you must have lots of other stuff in common.

I feel that you are not being very tolerant. She has spent a lot of years listening to various friends talk about their families whilst, presumably, very much wanting children of her own. To become a first time mother at 47 is very unusual and will have taken some determination. She will be aware of her age, and probably feels it keenly at her NCT meet ups, and worries about being the oldest mum at the school gates etc.

Surely the very least she can expect is some tolerance and empathy from her oldest, dearest friends while she navigates all of this, which is scary for any new mum, but even more so for her.

I mean, when did she announce the pregnancy? You surely haven't had to endure more than a few months of this, and during lockdown too, when physical meet ups have been few and far between.

If she's been wfh and unable to socialise, she'll be desperate to talk about this stuff and have precious little else going on in her life right now, like the rest of us.

And I'm your age but would have bigger all interest in talking about the menopause so maybe you are also overstating how interesting you are.

I haven't found this. I'm 30 with an almost 8 year old, most of my friends don't even have kids yet. To be honest the last thing I want to do when I meet up with my friends is talk about kids

@rawlikesushi I wasn’t saying I was interesting. I was saying that I just wanted to talk about something other than babies everytime I speak to my friend. It’s about balance. Yes I know she’s late having a baby etc etc - I am trying to be a good friend and be interested. But not ALL the time in every conversation with nothing else to say.

I think babies are so all consuming, and then obviously that coupled with lockdown and the fact you’re on maternity leave means you do get in a baby bubble. I’m conscious of this myself at the moment. Ds is always with me and I have very few things to talk about that aren’t related to him.

I do think you’re being a bit unreasonable though. If she had her first at 47, she’s had the best part of two decades putting up with it with other people!

[quote Caerdydd99]@rawlikesushi I wasn’t saying I was interesting. I was saying that I just wanted to talk about something other than babies everytime I speak to my friend. It’s about balance. Yes I know she’s late having a baby etc etc - I am trying to be a good friend and be interested. But not ALL the time in every conversation with nothing else to say.[/quote]
When did she announce her pregnancy?

I am trying to work out how many months of hardship you have had to endure.

I get that your currently treading different paths, but isn't the definition of a good friendship being there for someone through the good and the bad? Like any relationship, I find friendships have their peaks and throughs. My closest friend had a baby very young, I was soooo far away from marriage and parenthood at the time that I really couldn't relate to her life but, I'm so glad that we muddled through and kept our friendship going. Yes I had to listen to baby stuff that didn't massively interest me and that I had zero understanding of, but it was short lived when you consider the years we've been friends either side of that.

So I think it's understandable to feel how you do, but I personally think you should just ride this phase out rather than pull away, because that's what good friends are for. She'll calm down on the baby front, in fact she may soon be craving adult conversation about anything other than babies once she actually has one!

Also - she may genuinely think that you are interested and excited. Maybe your pretending has been too good in this regard. Maybe she feels a bit sorry for you and your menopause, looming empty nest syndrome and slow slide into dreary retirement, and thinks she's talking to you about stuff that is genuinely more interesting than your actual life.

Also - she may genuinely think that you are interested and excited. Maybe your pretending has been too good in this regard. Maybe she feels a bit sorry for you and your menopause, looming empty nest syndrome and slow slide into dreary retirement, and thinks she's talking to you about stuff that is genuinely more interesting than your actual life
HUH? Did you just come on here to make bitchy comments about someone you dont know?

Be tolerant and it will pass. It is a huge thing in her life right now and she is really excited. She can't have talked about it for that long as pregnancy doesn't last that long!

I think from her point of view, she's had 20 years listening to baby talk from her friends, and wedding talk too if she met her partner later as well. I've known more than one person be pissed off that when they reach each phase of life last there is so much less interest than for the person who reached it first, and the same people tend to do everything first and last. Now it's her turn, it's taken a long time and likely a lot of effort and heart ache to get there, going through god knows what privately while her friends moaned about their kids. And now that the baby is finally on the horizon, there's a fucking pandemic, she's worried about her antenatal care, what postnatal care will look like, she can't see anyone in person, it's not at all what she's spent years imagining. I had a baby last year and while covid hasn't been too tough on me, the vast majority of pregnant women and new mums seem to have found it very difficult and isolating.

I know you say you weren't a baby bore, and you may well be right, but I think in truth most of us are worse than we think. I have a baby and a toddler and frankly I have nothing else to talk about, especially with lockdown. I bore myself sometimes. I doubt you were as rounded a friend as you think, because it's next to impossible. And even if you were, most of her friends probably weren't and I wouldn't blame her for thinking it's her time now.

It can be tricky when you're at different stages (my single child free bff recently told me that maternity leave with a difficult baby couldn't be as stressful as work as "it's just a person"), but this might just be a phase in your friendship where you need to suck it up a bit.

Just stick it out until she's past maternity leave. Nod and smile and change the subject when polite to something entirely non kid related. And keep an eye on her, I've known more than one new mum struggle when the long awaited baby arrives, and it's not their idealised vision, it's actually really fucking hard and the books they read turn out to be useless.

Weird. I’m the only one from my group of friends when a baby. I find we have lots to talk about still - we obviously talk about my baby but it’s definitely not the dominant topic of conversation! All that’s changed is that I’m not as available as I used to be to meet or attend certain things.

You have been friends for a long time. She probably has worries and concerns anyone pregnant in a pandemic does let alone the higher risk she is so channels them into focuses on positives, development etc. She had probably given up on the idea of ever being a mum.

Smile, nod and be supportive it will pass. The baby will arrive and half of it will go out of the window. She needs you to be there just try to steer conversation when possible to other things.

[quote Caerdydd99]@Zenithbear I think it’s more about entering a different phase of life and not menopause per se. I can see a time where I can travel again out of school hols and explore life again with my older children etc, try new stuff and have adventures. I am kind of excited for it and that’s what I love talking about![/quote]
which is equally boring for many people.
And when you own kids have kids, you won't want to hear from people with teens and will be rambling on grand-children.

Just see her a lot less, and support the baby stage when you do.

The problem seems that people are quick to dismiss everything baby when it's somebody else's turn to do it.

47 is late, must be pretty scary as people are quick to judge, relate horror stories, and blame. If she has been waiting years, possibly decades to have that baby, it's pretty normal to be "obsessed", she has done everything else. It's her turn to be baby obsessed, and she must be pretty lonely.
Other younger mother will make her feel like an older mother.

I find that the majority of people do this at some point, without realising that they’re doing it, and that their audience isn’t as interested as they think. I probably bored my friends somewhat when my DH and I were going through the adoption process and had DD1 placed with us, and then later with DD2.

It will be a much bigger deal for your friend, being pregnant in her late 40s after probably giving up hope of having a baby. She’s probably very anxious, too, as pregnancies at that age can be high risk. So of course she’ll go on about it, not realising that she’s boring her friends senseless.

If she’s a close friend, you’ll bear with her. She’ll be less keen to go on about her child constantly when that child is a tantrumming toddler who is potty training. (I was desperate for a break from that. )

Don’t think the majority do this.