Name changed for this, obvious reasons! But I am one of those awful, conceited people who is aware I am beautiful. Since you asked, OP, here’s the warts and all truth. Will be long!
I knew from very young that I was attractive, women would coo over me at school, people would come up to my mum in the street and comment. My little sister and I use to laugh about it, but I will admit that as I got older I secretly got a bit conceited. I remember being in dance class aged 9 and hearing the head of the school say to my teacher ‘put Adric at the front, it doesn’t matter if she gets the footwork a bit wrong’ for a routine for the end of year performance. I was very smug, remember smugly looking around the class and thinking I was the prettiest, going home and posing in the mirror that night. Definitely a bit of an arrogant little girl.
Then I hit secondary school. By year 8, the attention was relentless: the boys at my school frightened me so badly I would hide in the toilets at lunch. They’d throw things at me in class, slap my arse when walking past, make comments, pass me crude notes. One of the popular, confident boys kept cornering me and making comments that made me very uncomfortable. As a result, I started binge eating, and by year 9 I’d gained 3 stone. The comments didn’t totally stop, but they ceased. For the next 10 years, I was overweight. I would still get attention from men, but much less, so it was easier to handle. I found being overweight very much a safety blanket, and it meant that I was ‘pretty’ but not so much that it drew aggressive attention. As a result, I was able to date. I met my husband, and weighed 14 stone when we got together. He’s very sporty, and in the years following I naturally lost weight again through a combination of feeling comfortable and following his lifestyle.
Because I’d spent a decade getting confident and figuring myself out, I dealt with the attention much better once I got thin. Sad to say, aggressive men also respect a wedding ring more than they respect a woman saying no, so I get comments etc. but they are easy to brush off. I still struggle with the fact that I abused my body for a decade, have stretch marks etc, but I also don’t know if I’d have met my lovely husband if I’d stayed on the path I was on, so I can’t be totally sad about it.
Onto your main question- generally, being beautiful is great. The comments are nice. Random strangers say nice things, women as well as men. I can compare treatment and you are definitely treated better when you’re thin/attractive. Society celebrates me now in a way it didn’t used to, and sometimes I resent that a bit. But I also get discounts from workmen, people (men) are eager to help with things. I get away with stuff more. Women it’s very divided- they are either lovely without me having to try, or horrendously cruel and jealous. Luckily I have enough friends already that it doesn’t matter to me, although it can sting. I also have an older brother, and though I would never say this to him, he treated me a little worse when I was overweight. I will always judge him a bit for that, but then, he’s very good looking too, so is probably more aware of looks as a result. My mum and little sister never changed how they were with me. My sister is very pretty, nicer than both me and my brother, has a lot of friends etc. I often wish I was just normal ‘pretty’ like her, but deep down I know that’s not really true. I value what I have, sadly, and I don’t want to lose it.
Day to day, I like my looks, and it’s nice to look in the mirror and like what I see. I’ve been approached twice by modelling agencies, but they lose interest when they find out I’m not in my twenties. It’s still nice, though, and I’ve had some great stuff from it- flight upgrades happened a lot, and hotel suites being bumped up, I’ve also been invited into VIP areas and had a quite famous/handsome man give me his number. I also relish getting ID’d or having strangers come up and compliment my hair etc. Shallow but true! Ashamed to say that I do pose in the mirror sometimes and take selfies, but I don’t have social media or share them. Very much a self indulgent hobby!
On the downside, I’m terrified of losing my face. If I have a bad looks day I can get very needy with my husband, ‘do I still look ok’ etc. I’m very aware of getting old and I hate it. Deep down, I still believe the best thing I have to offer is my face, and what will I do when I lose it? It terrifies me, and I spent half an hour a day on my skin, hair and bodycare. I also panic if I miss a workout. I don’t think I’ll ever be 100% secure in myself. My looks take up a huge chunk of my time, mentally more than anything, which is ridiculous, because they have a very fleeting effect on the outside world. The people who love me do so regardless. My sister once said to me, a few years back when we were dressed up for a wedding, ‘I forget how beautiful you are sometimes, because you’re just you’. That comment stuck with me, and I remind myself often nobody but me cares how I look, that it just becomes a part of me. But it’s hard not to dwell on it. When society values something and you have it, you become so scared of losing it. I judge myself for being shallow, but would also be devastated to wake up with a different face.
Aware how awful that all sounds but there you go! That’s my experience. I probably won’t come back to the thread as I’m sure I’ll get torn to pieces, but I saw the question asked and felt like answering. It’s very taboo to acknowledge you are pretty, let alone beautiful, so I don’t ever say it out loud! I guess that’s what message boards are for.