Re DD and our shambolic bedtimes?

[WinningTheThread]

DD is 11 and has ASD. She is emotionally very immature but frankly I feel is taking the utter piss at bedtime (unintentionally but still so very infuriating!).

I’m to bed early each night myself as I have to be up early for work so I have a limited amount of me time ... which she keeps taking up each and every night. I have had enough!

She wants me to get in her bed every night to cuddle . I don’t mind this and do it but sometimes I’m just too bloody knackered and I just want to go to bed myself.

She repeatedly asks for hugs and kisses. Repeatedly! She has me back and forth like a damned yo-yo giving her kisses and hugs. When I point out that she’s already had a hug and a kiss , she goes on and on, cries, shouts the house down and it goes on for hours.

Or she will shout for other things that she “needs” right that second. Again, it drags on and on if she doesn’t get it.

She will shout of me to come up again and when I’m clearly cross she will say “it doesn’t matter... you’re angry anyway “. I’ll go back down only for her to shout again because she needs me to do what she originally shouted of me for!

She then starts the same process with DH.

Last night I had already given her two hugs and kisses , about 15 minutes apart and as I had got in to bed she shouted again. I said no that’s enough and an hour later she was still screaming about it . When she’s upset she becomes volatile and tells me I hate her or that I’m ruining her life (I get this and more , daily) I ended up leaving DH to deal with it and went out for a drive .

She suffers with bad anxiety so this upset her more but I was about to blow my lid so I wanted to just get out for a bit . This is every damned night!

WIBU for not just giving her the kiss and hug? I’m so torn between anger and guilt I can’t work out if AIBU?

Please be gentle. Life is very tough at the minute

Sorry I haven't read all replies so I may just be repeating things but I recommend social story for the bedtime routine and then broken record. So work through the social story together so she knows what will happen, do the bedtime routine and then every further interaction is met with "it's bed time now".
The first few nights with my son were quite tough, he tried negotiation, explosive outbursts etc.
Then it clicked and he embraced the routine and it has been okay since. He was younger that your DD, about 6 but I think it could work for an older child. The senco at his school showed us what to do and it totally transformed our lives at bedtimes.

We had similar with DD (8yo)...except she could come in to us multiple times each night. We suspect she might be on the spectrum (I am), not been assessed as yet. We changed things up. We are trying melatonin. Key seems to be to give it about an hour before we aim to get her to sleep. We now stay in with her, we do some kind of bed time story - we use Headspace and New Horizon stories. Same as pp Keep trying the Smiling Mind / Head space stuff. My 14yo only ever found one she liked (Cat Marina on Headspace) and it's like magic. She's funny now, says she doesn't want it on as she's pissed it works so well. DD doesn’t love it but she does settle. We now stay in til she’s nearly asleep. Process takes up to an hour so we alternate but to us it’s better than being interrupted multiple times and her refusing to sleep.

During the day, not at bedtime agree the routine with her. Explain that you need an evening time/to go to bed yourself/can’t just run about after her but that you want a bedtime routine she is happy with.

Agree the process maybe working backwards e.g. no disturbing you after 9pm so that means all hugs kisses must be done before then. 30 mins reading before sleep so she must be in her room reading by 8.30pm. You can provide hugs/kisses before she reads and after but not in between/after 9pm. Clearly explain that you love her and actually making sure she gets a good night’s sleep/bedtime routine is also part of expressing love for her, not just hugs and kisses.

Write it down, agree it together, do the the same thing every single night. If she makes a fuss, remind her that hugs and kisses aren’t the only way to show love.

I am autistic and find it verrry hard to process new information about emotions/social scenarios when presented to me in the heat of the moment. If this is explained to me in advance, it goes in a lot easier. I also love routine and find it hugely comforting and makes me feel “safe” but I lack the skills to put the process in place myself so I need help to do this.

Have you read “The explosive child” by Ross Greene? This is what prompted our changes at bedtime. It helps you identify what the key issues are and a strategy for how to approach them. We found it really helpful.

I’ve heard of the suggestion of writing a contract, so a bedtime routine that the two of you come up with together that she has to sign. And because she will have signed it she has to follow it through, in theory I’ve not tried it yet!

My DD is 11 is also a bit immature for her age and has ADHD and ASD.

Your situation is so so familiar.

I'm a single mum so it's slightly different dynamics and there are no other siblings.

I co-slept for years but then a couple of years ago I bought a small double bed for her. We always make sure the room is tidy (anxious otherwise) have a conversation about what's happening tomorrow etc then we watch a short YouTube video together in bed before she settles down.

I massage her feet most nights before I get in with her to watch the video. I know this is indulgent of me but it really helps her relax.

Honestly this has all worked. She rarely calls out now.

Social story and tick off is a great idea.
One thing that helps my dd is an old -rag- tee shirt of mine, to shove her face into.
I pretended it was my favourite, very special.... top. Washed it. Wore it. Sprayed my perfume on to it. So it smelled of "me".
I then said if she was very grown up, super brave. She could look after this special top of mine. She still sleeps with "pinky" now. After 7 years, it's a bit worse for wear. But she loves it!
And she sleeps with it. If she is upset about something, she will wear it as a night, for an "all over cuddle"
It's an easy thing to try. If you don't have a spare tee, buy a cheap one. Supermarket. Charity shop. Find something with a nice picture on? Tiger face? Sunset? Motorbike? Anything you can pass off as special!

Another thing that helps dd is her fitbit style watch.
She likes to see how long she has slept. And compare to last night etc.
It also helps wear her out, during the day.
Counts her steps. She always tries to get her 10k steps in.
It's also " for grown ups really" as its plain black.

Sympathy from me too, op. I have an almost 10 year old with ASD and I stay with him until he's asleep, by which time I have usually fallen asleep too. He looks for me during the night also so I bought him a double bed and just sleep with him all night.
Our bedtime routine involves a race to get into pyjamas (the only way I can get him to do it himself), carefully arranging 30ish soft toys and various blankets at the end of the bed, two episodes of Phineas & Ferb on my laptop, and then he talks to me about Minecraft until he goes to sleep.
The only thing he allows DH to do is brush his teeth. It's bloody exhausting but I don't know how to change it as he is shoots down any suggestions that don't come from him.
I wish I knew the answer but you're not alone. I hope some of the suggestions on here will help.

Wish me luck-tonight 11 year old dd is in her own bed, alone with a big rolled up blanket sprayed with my perfume!
First time in months.
Ridiculous that we’re still in this situation at this age but it is what it is!