To ask how you'd feel if this was your in laws?

Youdontknowwhatyouronabout · 13/04/2021 21:37

coming over and asking to see baby but never asking about me. Sometimes I make an appearance anyways
If you don’t make an appearance where are you? Do you stay in another room? Why don’t you just join in?

I sat in the room whilst everyone had a party. Then went up myself and just felt awkward
Why if DP had taken dc to see them did you sit alone? Why don’t you be the one to hold DC & go through to where everyone is along with DP instead of staying separate from everyone?

I don’t think you can complain about them not bothering with you if you don’t seem to bother with them really.

I totally get you wanting to be separate if you are shy or suffer social anxiety or something but, if that’s the case, other people who don’t suffer this don’t understand peoples struggles with being in a room with lots of people and, unfortunately, just assume you are aloof or standoffish or something.

HercwasanEnemyofEducation · 13/04/2021 21:41

Hard to say without more information but it could be that you appear to not be interested. If you stay away, then they might think you don't care about them and the cycle continues.

VegCheeseandCrackers · 13/04/2021 21:47

It's a hard one to judge as the info is fairly brief.
Perhaps your partners family are trying to respect boundaries - if you weren't overly involved with them before, maybe they're trying to give you space?
As for the party I don't really understand. You were alone? Why weren't you with the others? See this again makes me think you're maybe excluding yourself and then wondering why they aren't bothering?
This is just the vibe I'm getting but I definitely think you need a chat with DP if you're feeling excluded. However it is a two way street so it's reasonable to say you need to make more of an effort with them as well.
And congrats about the baby!

TheFlis12345 · 13/04/2021 21:49

How long have you and your DP actually been together / have you known them?

Purpoole · 13/04/2021 21:54

I understand the feeling of awkwardness as I am the queen of it. However I now understand that if I want to be involved in something then I need to make an effort to involve myself. This may be the situation here.

It sounds like you never really bothered with them so they are now trying to ensure they don’t smother you... that and excitement about a cute baby.

Be the change you want to see. Insert yourself, speak up, look chipper and don’t skull off or mope as it’s obvious to see. No one wants to be around a party pooper and you might have resting b face.
Some people are seen as stuck up when they are just awkward/nervous.

Sorry to be blunt and I really do feel for you as it’s not a nice place to be. But you’re going to have to make the move here.

WorraLiberty · 13/04/2021 21:56

Sorry I'm trying to picture this but struggling a bit.

The other day a family event happened and no one bothered with me, but requested dc came up to say hi with dp. I sat in the room whilst everyone had a party. Then went up myself and just felt awkward.

What room were you sitting in and where did you go 'up' to?

Boom45 · 13/04/2021 22:03

It does sound, on the information you've given, like it could be a combination of you being oversensitive and neither you or your in-laws being very good at making the effort.
If you weren't close before your baby then you don't magically become close once a baby arrives. Not that its all down to you but they might just be following your lead and giving you space?

Woodlandbelle · 13/04/2021 22:07

I think I would just stay with your baby when they want to see them. Don't go off to another room. I kind of understand if they don't make the effort with you though. That's hard. Do you ask them how they are? Try and be friendly?

Angrypregnantlady · 13/04/2021 22:09

Where are you when they come?
I'd just think you were rude and refusing to spend time with us if I were his family, so I wouldn't make a fuss when you did eventually decide to grace us with your presence.

Rainbowqueeen · 13/04/2021 22:13

I’d get DP to invite them round, individually so you have an opportunity to get to know them. Or suggest meeting up at a park.

Tbh it does sound a bit like you give off a disinterested vibe but I have a lot of sympathy for you because I know how hard it is when you feel like the outsider.
So work out the best way for you to try to get to know them more and do that

CrazyOldBagLady · 13/04/2021 22:21

I think I've got a similar vibe to your post as some of the others here. It sounds like you might be keeping yourself apart from them a bit and maybe they think you don't really want to mix with them so much.

I don't know how you would feel like a party was going around you. You are supposed to just get stuck in at a party and mingle with everyone a bit, not just sit and wait for someone to come and talk to you.

I wonder if you do have some social anxiety that you haven't mentioned that is exacerbating the issue and making people think you are a bit uninterested in them or aloof. If so I think your partner should be helping to include you more and integrating you into his family.

Original poster

imokaysomedays · 13/04/2021 22:31

Sorry for the vagueness I'm trying not to give away fine details incase its outing. The party was a very intimate family event, I wasnt invited but it so happened to take care in the garden ( for covid reasons). So when I meant stay inside I meant I stayed inside the house and I wasnt called upon but the baby was. I just felt weird inserting myself into situations when it's not my family and I guess maybe I'm not good at gauging were my boundary is with them since we arent close. I want to make clear everytime they come over I always make sure to show face and say hi/have a chat if i can. But they never ask about me so i just feel like it's one sided. I know having a baby doesnt instantly mean everyone is best of friends but as I said since I noe have a permanent tie to the family I would like it if we could be closer for DC's sake but also mine. I do ask dp alot about his siblings and how they are getting g on (show interest) sign the birthday cards and get the presents on me and dp's behalf but I just dont feel the same is reciprocated. I feel very much excluded i guess into their family. I think the main thing like I mentioned in my op was giving birth and no one asking how I was but wanting to see dc. It made me feel a type of way.

OP posts:

Original poster

imokaysomedays · 13/04/2021 22:32

Like if it wasnt for dc no one would really care if I was apart of the family or not. If that makes sense...

OP posts:

HercwasanEnemyofEducation · 13/04/2021 22:35

It's bloody rude to hold a family event in your garden and expect you to not attend. Wow.

Phrenologist · 13/04/2021 22:41

How do you mean you ‘weren’t invited’ if it actually took place in your garden? Did your ILs specifically say ‘Son, you’ll attend of course, but we don’t want @imokaysomedays’?

BlackMarauder · 13/04/2021 22:41

Yeah let your partner get presents for his own family. That's his job, not yours. It doesn't seem like they care much about you, so stop the wifework.

sunnydaleslayer · 13/04/2021 22:44

@Phrenologist

How do you mean you ‘weren’t invited’ if it actually took place in your garden? Did your ILs specifically say ‘Son, you’ll attend of course, but we don’t want *@imokaysomedays*’?

I'm guessing they'd reached the limit of six so the mother of the child was deemed unimportant.

I would not be impressed either OP and don't blame you for being annoyed. It would annoy me too.

Aprilshowersandhail · 13/04/2021 22:47

Your dp needs to grow a pair.. You are a family. His family need to bloody hurry up and embrace that.

HalzTangz · 13/04/2021 22:48

@imokaysomedays

Me and dp have been together for a while now and have recently had a baby. Before baby came along I saw dp's family here and there, they never really made much of an effort with me but I didnt really either. Just a hi and friendly chit chat if they were around. I feel like during my pregnancy I established abit of a closer relationship with some of dp's sisters. However since the moment I gave birth i feel like none of his family has bothered with me and where as before it wasnt really concern now I have dc and will be sticking around the family I was hoping that would change.

When I gave birth they all came around and asked to see baby but not me. They didnt ask how I was, but made it clear how excited they were to see dc for the first time. Okay given I had a pretty rough birth and when i had asked dp about it he says they were just respecting the fact I most likely didnt want visitors but I'm dubious as to whether that is true or I just wasnt considered. And since baby has gotten older it is the same situation of them coming over and asking to see baby but never asking about me. Sometimes I make an appearance anyways and just feel like a silly after thought. I just dont feel like part of the family properly. Dp's parents are abit more inclusive. I know for the most part once a baby comes into the picture everything is centred around them, but I cant help but feel abit pushed out? The other day a family event happened and no one bothered with me, but requested dc came up to say hi with dp. I sat in the room whilst everyone had a party. Then went up myself and just felt awkward. Dp is trying to convince me it's all in my head and people do care. AIBU and just overly sensitive?

To be honest this reads as you make no effort with them (hiding away whilst they visit etc), so why would they make an effort with someone blatantly avoiding them. Efforts works both ways, you need to put some effort in if you want to join the family bond

WorraLiberty · 13/04/2021 22:49

Did it take place in your garden OP?

You really need to be more assertive (not easy I guess if it doesn't come naturally), as perhaps they see you as shy and awkward and that's why they don' ask too much about you/the birth etc?

OneEpisode · 13/04/2021 22:52

I have to say that when dc were born my mum seemed to forget I existed, and it was all about dc. DM grew out of it eventually!
Meantime this is your baby and you decide where baby goes. Baby has your last name etc.

WeWereOnABreak10 · 13/04/2021 22:53

Op you sound like an 'awkward' person to be around. Maybe they don't know how best to communicate with you. What are you like in other social situations? Do you have a lot of friends? I'm only asking because you seem to be in a shell and you go unnoticed.

Timeforredwine · 13/04/2021 22:53

Social shyness is not something you can just overcome but they should make you feel more at ease, surelybif you feel socially awkward your husband has let them know this? and certainly not expect to only see your husband & baby.

Original poster

imokaysomedays · 13/04/2021 22:57

We allive together with dps parents hence why his family are around alot. In general dp doesnt really have a close relationship with his own siblings. When I say get the gifts/cards its ways me choosing and putting the thought behind it which is fine as its more in my nature to do so rather than dp. The event was only for 6 people and I was not invited so I doubt anyone was counting on me beingthere. But I did not hide away, I did go up there. I just felt weird being there since i was unsure whether I was actually expected there or not. Maybe this is me being overly sensitive (new mum hormones) but I just dont really want this to be the case throught out all of dcs life. Whenever it comes to anything to do with dps family and my baby they always ask through him and I would like it if the involved me too. So say for example in the future his sister wants to take dc out they can ask me as well and it stops being relayed to me through my partner!

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BluntlySpoken · 13/04/2021 22:58

How long have u been together