To ask how you'd feel if this was your in laws?

[imokaysomedays]

Me and dp have been together for a while now and have recently had a baby. Before baby came along I saw dp's family here and there, they never really made much of an effort with me but I didnt really either. Just a hi and friendly chit chat if they were around. I feel like during my pregnancy I established abit of a closer relationship with some of dp's sisters. However since the moment I gave birth i feel like none of his family has bothered with me and where as before it wasnt really concern now I have dc and will be sticking around the family I was hoping that would change.

When I gave birth they all came around and asked to see baby but not me. They didnt ask how I was, but made it clear how excited they were to see dc for the first time. Okay given I had a pretty rough birth and when i had asked dp about it he says they were just respecting the fact I most likely didnt want visitors but I'm dubious as to whether that is true or I just wasnt considered. And since baby has gotten older it is the same situation of them coming over and asking to see baby but never asking about me. Sometimes I make an appearance anyways and just feel like a silly after thought. I just dont feel like part of the family properly. Dp's parents are abit more inclusive. I know for the most part once a baby comes into the picture everything is centred around them, but I cant help but feel abit pushed out? The other day a family event happened and no one bothered with me, but requested dc came up to say hi with dp. I sat in the room whilst everyone had a party. Then went up myself and just felt awkward. Dp is trying to convince me it's all in my head and people do care. AIBU and just overly sensitive?

@MichelleScarn the original person the party was for never wanted it to be a big thing so lots of people weren't invited it wasnt just me. However I know in the end the person wanted all their family there and I wasnt included which was fine until I found out it took place in our garden then it all got abit weird for me as in do I go up there or not? May just be me overthinking the situation as I can see from alot of responses on here people would of gone up anyways and I did. But it was the fact that during that party they kept asking for dc and dp to come up and say hi without any mention of me.

I think having a party in the garden of the home where you live and not inviting you, but inviting your dh and dc is beyond rude. I think it’s even worse that your dh didn’t tell them this. Yanbu.

@LuaDipa

I think having a party in the garden of the home where you live and not inviting you, but inviting your dh and dc is beyond rude. I think it’s even worse that your dh didn’t tell them this. Yanbu.

I totally agree

I am in no way ungrateful for my inlaws housing us during this difficult time in fact I said the opposite. My problem doesnt really lie with the parents as such but just the rest of his family. And it's not even really a problem at that I'm just trying to see if I'm being overly sensitive towards the situation. I'm.trying my best with them and I dont know what else I can do. If I didnt have my baby I wouldnt be so concerned but for her sake as well I would like it if we all had a closer relationship so when she is older we can all go out together and I'm not left out of the loop of communication regarding my child

You didn't specify earlier that your relationship with your DP's parents is fine, it's his siblings you feel are unwelcoming? Is your DP close to them?

I'm still puzzled about the dynamics of how you live in their parents' house with your DP and baby, but seem not to be on the spot when his siblings come round and 'ask to see the baby but not asking about me' can you clarify where exactly you are when all this is taking place? You talk about 'making an appearance' and 'showing your face' when they are visiting, which makes it sound as if you are usually in an entirely separate part of the house do your DP's parents have a mansion, and you and he occupy a separate wing? When DS was a (difficult) small baby, he was surgically attached to me, so any time anyone came to see him, there was no question of me not being there, because I had no choice!

I'm assuming the garden is attached to the house you were in at the time? Using the phrase "to go up to the garden" is somewhat strange.
Are you in England OP?
Maybe in this instance your not being invited to the party in the garden is related to a misunderstanding of Covid rules?
Saying that there is a strange dynamic going on with regards your being excluded in general.
Your DP should be making it clear that you, he and your child come as a package.

Although my situation is quite different a lot of what you say resonates completely with me. My husbands family, esp his mother have no interest in me whatsoever. However there’s not much interest in our child either. When they visit they talk the whole time about people they know although I don’t know them so like you I kind of hang around a bit, try to join in, make cups of tea and then I literally just get on with whatever. On one visit I eventually just went through and watched TV in our bedroom as the chat was so constant about something that had happened with people they all know I felt even asking would they like more tea was an irritation. Exactly same with our son, he comes through and says hi granny, gets a brief hello then granny continues the latest updates on whatever.
Sometimes I’m assertive, other times I just don’t care. My husband does notice it now but it’s take a long long time.
I think as long as you are not uncomfortable, so if you are then bit a bit more assertive and join in. Like another poster said, you hold the little one and make the little one the centre of attention with you rather than without you.
I don’t think your partners family are doing anything deliberate. I will never be close to my husbands family but hey ho.

Your behaviour sounds so gauche and awkward that they probably think you're not bothered about seeing them. Surely you don't need a formal invitation to join a party in the garden of a house where you're staying? Any normal person would just wander out with the baby and say, "Look who's here!" Of course, they're more interested in the baby than they are in you. You're not actually part of their family.

I just can't get my head round this at all. You live there so would you not just walk out the door into the garden and say hi?

Op yes it's a two way street as pp have said but for me it's polite for the gang to reach out to the person on their own?

They have each other.. Include the solo person??

It's basic manners which many people sadly don't have.
Especially as the person who brought this beautiful child into their world?

The only thing you can do is to start being assertive eg.. Yes Sarah can take dc out but they need to actually ask me..

Make it clear to your dp that your mum.. Your say is final.