Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

To ask how you'd feel if this was your in laws?

59 replies

imokaysomedays · 13/04/2021 20:14

Me and dp have been together for a while now and have recently had a baby. Before baby came along I saw dp's family here and there, they never really made much of an effort with me but I didnt really either. Just a hi and friendly chit chat if they were around. I feel like during my pregnancy I established abit of a closer relationship with some of dp's sisters. However since the moment I gave birth i feel like none of his family has bothered with me and where as before it wasnt really concern now I have dc and will be sticking around the family I was hoping that would change.

When I gave birth they all came around and asked to see baby but not me. They didnt ask how I was, but made it clear how excited they were to see dc for the first time. Okay given I had a pretty rough birth and when i had asked dp about it he says they were just respecting the fact I most likely didnt want visitors but I'm dubious as to whether that is true or I just wasnt considered. And since baby has gotten older it is the same situation of them coming over and asking to see baby but never asking about me. Sometimes I make an appearance anyways and just feel like a silly after thought. I just dont feel like part of the family properly. Dp's parents are abit more inclusive. I know for the most part once a baby comes into the picture everything is centred around them, but I cant help but feel abit pushed out? The other day a family event happened and no one bothered with me, but requested dc came up to say hi with dp. I sat in the room whilst everyone had a party. Then went up myself and just felt awkward. Dp is trying to convince me it's all in my head and people do care. AIBU and just overly sensitive?

OP posts:

Original poster

imokaysomedays · 13/04/2021 23:01

@WeWereOnABreak10 I dont consider myself an awkward person but in my own household we are all used to keeping to ourselves, not having alot of visitors or interacting with each other. I'm not socially inept. I take to social situations quite well and have been described as a social butterfly/outgoing by alot of people in my life. But I never really had a fundamental relationship with my dps family before the baby came, and now they have I guess I just want to make one and expect abit more effort of them as they are involving themselves with my child

OP posts:

RampantIvy · 13/04/2021 23:01

Whose garden did the party take place in?

It sounds to me that you don't have a very supportive partner.

RampantIvy · 13/04/2021 23:04

Cross posted. Why do you live with his family?
This sounds horrible for you. Your partner needs to step up and have your back.

Original poster

imokaysomedays · 13/04/2021 23:04

@BluntlySpoken without being too specific. To out a time scale on it years, but not that long.

OP posts:

LagunaBubbles · 13/04/2021 23:04

If you all live together how on earth can't you go out into your own garden you don't need an invite!

Original poster

imokaysomedays · 13/04/2021 23:05

@RampantIvy we are in the middle of saving for a place. But want the housing market to settle down abit and save more before we attempt to move. We have kindly been offered this option in the meantime and I'm very grateful to his family for it!

OP posts:

Original poster

imokaysomedays · 13/04/2021 23:08

@LagunaBubbles it was a personal family event. I was never invited. It was to be a small thing as the host didnt want alot of people. I'm glad I did make myself known to them but it did feel very offish however this may of just been on my behalf as I was unsure whether I was wanted there or not. I've just been raised to feel like its rude if you dont acknowledge guests that come over and obviously wanted to say hi so dps family don't get the impression that I am trying to be a stranger

OP posts:

Purpoole · 13/04/2021 23:28

If you live there and your baby is out there then just go out.
Maybe speak to your dh snd ask him to be more mindful about bringing you into conversations. Put up a united front until if feels more natural for you.

expectopelargonium · 13/04/2021 23:36

I get where you're coming from OP. My DH's large family treat my DCs like members of their tribe, but not me. The feeling is hard to pin down, but I'm always left feeling like an outsider.

You know like when you're with a group of people all hanging around chatting, and then you realise that actually everybody is talking to someone else and are turned away from you. Like they've moved all their wagons into a circle and you are on the outside of it.

Original poster

imokaysomedays · 13/04/2021 23:52

@expectopelargonium you worded it perfectly! Thing is dont get me wrong I'm haply that dps family take so well to my baby its heart warming that they are all taken by dc. But I really do feel like that's were the effort is cut short. Where as I know for a fact with my side of the family they will interact with dp just as much as my baby and not make him fe pushed out or less. I also understand it's down to me to make effort but theres so many of them compared to me, I cant do it all on my own! The other day I offered some stuff to dps sister, doubt that will get me anywhere. Maybe I just need to accept that is how the dynamic will be but I wish dp wouldnt dismiss when I talk to him about it and make me feel like it's in my head. Especially when its things like his dps say hi to my baby but not me, sometimes I walk in and they are cooing over dc and I honestly could disappear into the background and no one would bat an eyelid. According to dp this is all an insecurity on my end

OP posts:

RampantIvy · 14/04/2021 07:00

According to dp this is all an insecurity on my end

He is gaslighting you. His family sound awful. Having a family party and deliberately excluding you is horrible. You are part of the family. This is so sad.

DianaT1969 · 14/04/2021 07:17

How are you with your own family? Do you see a lot of them?
I'd try to forget about fitting in with your DP's siblings and just be yourself and suit yourself. They sound a bit odd. When you say people don't ask how you are, I wouldn't ask people that. But I just talk to them about their work, their holiday plans etc. Maybe you should just practise asking them questions whenever you see them.

Incywincyspinsters · 14/04/2021 07:19

Are you very young OP?

If I’ve got it right, and you live with your P’s parents and they had a family party, didn’t want you to be there but did want your P and your baby, then that’s really unpleasant.

If I were you, I’d see if you can’t move out soon and then you can be queen of your own castle and decide who does and does not attend.

BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand · 14/04/2021 07:20

@Youdontknowwhatyouronabout

coming over and asking to see baby but never asking about me. Sometimes I make an appearance anyways If you don’t make an appearance where are you? Do you stay in another room? Why don’t you just join in?

I sat in the room whilst everyone had a party. Then went up myself and just felt awkward
Why if DP had taken dc to see them did you sit alone? Why don’t you be the one to hold DC & go through to where everyone is along with DP instead of staying separate from everyone?

I don’t think you can complain about them not bothering with you if you don’t seem to bother with them really.

I totally get you wanting to be separate if you are shy or suffer social anxiety or something but, if that’s the case, other people who don’t suffer this don’t understand peoples struggles with being in a room with lots of people and, unfortunately, just assume you are aloof or standoffish or something.

I agree with this. When I visit a relative with a new baby, I don't specifically state that i also want to see the relative. I just assume that they'll be there with the baby.

Why are you hiding in another room in your own house? You're the bloody host, join the gathering, you don't need to be invited.

BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand · 14/04/2021 07:21

Ah, I missed your update about not being invited to the event. That is shitty. And your DP is a big part of the problem - he's gaslighting you.

Shoxfordian · 14/04/2021 07:25

Stop buying them presents and cards for a start; they’re his family so he can do that

Really, the sooner you can move out the better

DM1209 · 14/04/2021 07:32

You actually sound really, really hard work and they don't sound great either.

No one is going to beg you to 'join in', just get up and do it. Your posts come across as very 'woe is me', and drip feeds are massive.

You are living in their home, free childcare on tap (regardless of whether you asked for it or not) and the freedom to save for your own home which you couldn't do without his family.

I wonder if there are also culutral issues here.

Get up, join in, stop sulking and stop shoving your husband in the middle, believe me, you are not doing your marriage any favours or giving him any incentive to 'stick up' for you.

If you have an issue, discuss it with them and move on. I imagine they don't particularly like living with you either. Being a martyr and hiding away doesn't make you the victim, it makes you appear rude and disinterested.

Tamingofthehamster · 14/04/2021 07:35

I wouldn’t be too harsh about your in-laws. They’re letting you live with them, despite you not seeming overly keen on them. You chose to have a baby before you had your own home. You don’t appear to have a set date that you’re planning to move out, and they’re restricted to certain numbers visiting because of Covid.

MichelleScarn · 14/04/2021 07:40

It does sound hard, but re not being invited in Scotland until recently it was only 4 adults that could meet outside so say it was dsil bday, meet in her parents garden, her, your dp, fil and mil would be the limit? Is it more that or was is more 'no matter restrictions you're not welcome ?

Mum22boysJI · 14/04/2021 07:41

My ILs are like this, some of the stuff you’ve said here I could pretty much write word for word. We have 2 kids now and have been together 12 years but they still exclude me at family events, show no interest in me and if I’m honest I think resent a little bit that the children are more interested in being around me than them. I am really close to one of my SILs (wife of my husband’s brother) and we see each other regularly and have a close relationship, the others I am polite to when we see each other but after years of no reciprocation I have given up trying to be/have anything more than that.
At the end of the day OP you sound like a lovely person and it is their loss if they choose not to recognise that. If I were you I would continue to be polite and let them know as best you can that you’re keen to build a relationship, but acknowledge that it may never happen and invest your time/energy in the good relationships you do have.

NeonK · 14/04/2021 07:49

I'm not sure I understand the need to be specifically invited to an event that's taking place in the house/garden you live in? Surely as you're one household, it's just expected that you'll be there?

Same with visiting - my family often say "we'll come round to see the DC". Obviously they mean the whole family.

Are they specifically saying "we're coming to see DC but we don't want to see imokaysomedays" or "we're doing this in the garden but imokaysomedays can't come out"?

RampantIvy · 14/04/2021 08:01

You actually sound really, really hard work and they don't sound great either.
No one is going to beg you to 'join in', just get up and do it. Your posts come across as very 'woe is me', and drip feeds are massive.

The OP sounds lonely and vulnerable, and your unpleasant comments don't help @DM1209

I guess the baby was a surprise? Are there any cultural issues at play here as well?

Why do you let them take your baby off you and stand back? You are the baby's mother, so hold your baby yourself, and if everyone ignores you leave with your baby.

VegCheeseandCrackers · 14/04/2021 08:41

@dm1209 rude!!!

OP we all got a vibe earlier that maybe you were not joining in or excluding yourself (as I said) but I read your updates and omg. That's a shit situation. So you're trying to open to about your concerns and he is dismissing you - eugh absolute pet hate of mine as well as abusive (gaslighting).
I feel for you and I understand how difficult the situation is atm-new baby, saving up, living with ILs, but please don't let them treat you like this.
I would try and be a bit more assertive - with him and with the in laws. I think having a party and not inviting you is straight up rude. The fact you've just had a baby means you need more support not to be left on the sidelines.

TheFourOhFour · 14/04/2021 09:40

@Tamingofthehamster

This, exactly. Honestly, OP, why leave out the key piece of information that your live with your ILs from your OP? They're doing you an enormous favour that you seem largely unaware of. And all that stuff about 'coming round and asking to see the baby, not me' stuff and you 'sometimes making an appearance' even if unasked for makes even less sense when you live with your DP's parents -- are you saying you sit upstairs in your bedroom all the time unless someone specifically invites you to come down to the living room? You can't say 'none of your DP's family bothered with me since the birth' when you're living with them, surely!

You say you weren't close to your DP's family before you had your baby, anyway -- but how long have you lived with them?

Original poster

imokaysomedays · 14/04/2021 09:45

@DM1209 I think you got the wrong end of the stick about my thread and updates and would appreciate it if you read them again! I am in no way ungrateful for my inlaws housing us during this difficult time in fact I said the opposite. My problem doesnt really lie with the parents as such but just the rest of his family. And it's not even really a problem at that I'm just trying to see if I'm being overly sensitive towards the situation. I'm.trying my best with them and I dont know what else I can do. If I didnt have my baby I wouldnt be so concerned but for her sake as well I would like it if we all had a closer relationship so when she is older we can all go out together and I'm not left out of the loop of communication regarding my child

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 3

Swipe left for the next trending thread