Page 8 | Undermining comments about autism

Opal93 · 2021-04-13T11:24:55+00:00

I am becoming increasingly upset with more and more ridiculous comments about autism. I know for a long time people didn’t understand it but surely there’s enough on TV and the internet for people to be at least a little bit more informed? Here are a few of the most ridiculous comments, ranging from old to young people. I know none of them come from malice but I do think to myself “SERIOUSLY??” And often don’t know how to respond. “ he doesn’t look autistic.” “At least it’s not a disability” “at least it’s not Down’s syndrome” “did you find out at your scan and were you offered a termination?” “He’s not that bad” “at least he might be a genius” “you shouldn’t have another baby what if it is like him” “he just needs more discipline”

Pinkyavocado · 14/04/2021 18:25

@SinkGirl - my son did an intensive ABA program. It was wonderful.. my son loved it and loved his therapists. I absolutely despair of people that say it’s cruel. I’ve no idea what sort of ABA they’ve witnessed! There’s nothing cruel about lots of 1:1 support, lots of play etc. A typical ABA day for us was pretty much like a normal day at school but focused on one or two things like receptive and expressive labels. All tasks broken down with play in between and lots of fun.

BatleyTownswomensGuild · 14/04/2021 18:34

I hear you, Op. my son is autistic and we have had:

'He doesn't look autistic' (utterly dismissive of the very really obstacles he has to overcome on a daily basis.)
"Everyone's autistic these days." (No they are not, fuck off.)
"We're all somewhere on the spectrum though, aren't we?" (No we're not - it's a neurological disorder not a personality difference)
"I think I'm a bit autistic because I really would rather be on my own than go to a party." (That's called being an introvert, not being autistic.)
"He's having a tantrum." (No, he's having a meltdown. Big difference. Although he has tantrums too.)

Mostly I try and remind myself that people often say stupid things when they are not sure what to say, and I try and see the good intentions and patiently explain why their views are incorrect. But occasionally someone will say something really stupid and it will piss me right off. The old school friend (who hasn't seen DS since he was a baby) and asked me was I SURE he was autistic and wasn't I perhaps being a bit of an anxious mother, copped a mouthful of flak!

Mumofsend · 14/04/2021 18:35

@FoxyTheFox I have had that comment twice now, and "it isn't fair DD was able to attend over lockdown as it gives her an advantage". No even attending during lockdown she couldn't manage full time and she is still 2 years behind so you know

Anne1958 · 14/04/2021 18:37

The worst comments for me come from more able autistics on the internet. So aggressively defending their own position they often bulldozer over less able autistics position. I honestly think the melding of autism and Asperger has done immeasurable damage to the lives of a whole generation of autistics. It’s got to the point where I avoid the diagnosis altogether add as it is no longer very helpful

Hear Hear.

Truth be told I just let whats said go in one ear and out the other and I have done for quite some time. I just can’t be bothered with it anymore.

nanbread · 14/04/2021 18:38

@huggzy

Totally agree. My son has ADHD and is still under assessment for ASD.

I think the most frustrating is when people say he just needs a good slap/ telling off etc. Or those who seem to think that any parent can just rock up at the doctors, say their child is hard work and walk away with an ADHD diagnosis. Then there's the people who don't even believe it exists, it's just bad parenting/ naughty child/ child must be suffering from abuse etc.

This makes me angry. I can't believe proof say this. An NT child acting in a certain way doesn't deserve a good slap either, no child does, there's just never a time it's ok to say this.

Ylvamoon · 14/04/2021 18:43

@Opal93 - what would your preferred response be?

JeffVaderneedsatray · 14/04/2021 18:51

Both my children are autistic (And this is the terminology they have chosen and thus is the terminology I shall use)
DS is 16. DD is 13. They are COMPLETELY different in how their ASCs present. I have had years of 'She can't have autism because she's so different to him'
See also:
She wouldn't do that if she were mine
She'll soon eat if she's hungry
You just need to say 'no' and mean it

DS is incredibly clever. For 3 years running he won an academic prize at school. Which meant I had 3 years of the 'He's sone EVER so WELL hasn't he he' with added head tilt. One year I was sitting in front of a family who were going through the list of prizes. They came to DS's name and I had to listen to (paraphrased) the following... 'Oh DS name has got that prize again. He has autism you know. He's done ever so well. But maybe they HAVE to give it to him because he wouldn't get anything else.'

I have spent the past 16 years managing life so DS and DD can cope with it. It's just what we do.

MrsBobDylan · 14/04/2021 19:15

All three of my kids have Autism and span the range - ds13 high IQ, high anxiety, ds11 low IQ, special school and ds7 MS school but academically very weak, with ADHD.

I've had comments over the years and I now don't care what people know/don't know/think/don't think.

I haven't the energy to be hurt, angry or frustrated. I find it is often people who aren't very nice or smart and who piss lots of people off in lots of different ways.

cheeseandpicklesandie · 14/04/2021 19:26

The problem is how do you know who has autism and who generally does need more discipline? I have a friends with son with an8 year old ASD and she gives in to everything in a preventative way, she will do anything to avoid a tantrum as could lead to a meltdown. I don't live her life, but surely consistent boundaries are important even when out?

MildredPuppy · 14/04/2021 19:34

cheeseandpicklesandie behave yourself.

Sirzy · 14/04/2021 19:36

Why do you need to know? Perhaps just leave your friend to parent as they feel works for their family?

FoxyTheFox · 14/04/2021 19:43

The problem is how do you know who has autism and who generally does need more discipline?

There is a clinical assessment process to help determine this and you can't get a diagnosis unless you meet the diagnostic criteria so if someone has a diagnosis of autism then you can pretty much guarantee they are autistic.

FedNlanders · 14/04/2021 19:44

I get it all the time. I couldn't possibly be married with children and have autism myself....

x2boys · 14/04/2021 20:14

@cheeseandpicklesandie

The problem is how do you know who has autism and who generally does need more discipline? I have a friends with son with an8 year old ASD and she gives in to everything in a preventative way, she will do anything to avoid a tantrum as could lead to a meltdown. I don't live her life, but surely consistent boundaries are important even when out?

If someone has a diagnosis of autism than they will have had an in-depth assessment ,what you see as your friend doing anything to avoid a tantrum ,might be her using distraction techniques to avoid her child becoming distressed ,and yes boundaries are needed but I use very different boundaries for my severely autistic child to my NT Child because they both have very different needs .

luckylavender · 14/04/2021 20:17

I think it's actually perfectly possible to know next to nothing about autism

Sirzy · 14/04/2021 20:23

@luckylavender

I think it's actually perfectly possible to know next to nothing about autism

Unless you work with people with autism that’s fine though.

None of us are experts on everything and it’s fine to say that something isn’t a topic you know much about as long as your willing to learn if you need to.

Personally if people have questions about how autism impacts DS I will happily answer them as long as they don’t come from a place of judgement.

But knowing next to nothing about autism doesn’t excuse people being offensive!

x2boys · 14/04/2021 20:50

Some judgement can come from people who have children on the opposite ends of the spectrum ime so an aquaintence whose child has very similar needs to my child severe autism and learning disabilities they went to a party and he took another child's drink ,the other parent complained as she would never allow her child to do this ,my aquaintence wouldn't but she had her back turned for a second ,her child has no understanding that he just can't take drinks off the table due to his cognitive impairment as can't mine but there was no understanding.

lifeturnsonadime · 14/04/2021 20:53

Cheeseandpickle you are one of those who believe that diagnoses are 'handed out like smarties' aren't you?

Reality for parents years of self doubt, waiting lists.

One of those who believes it 'just takes a firm hand'.

Reality for parens years of hoping this or that therapy might work, trying to have stress free days. Even happy days like birthdays and Christmas different because the child is overwhelmed.

Hoping your child will be able to live an independent adult life.

Walk a day in that parent's shoes and then judge. Your attitude is wrong.

BlueLobelia · 14/04/2021 21:11

@cheeseandpicklesandie

The problem is how do you know who has autism and who generally does need more discipline? I have a friends with son with an8 year old ASD and she gives in to everything in a preventative way, she will do anything to avoid a tantrum as could lead to a meltdown. I don't live her life, but surely consistent boundaries are important even when out?

What you are seeing is not a parent who 'gives in to everything' but a parent who is proactively managing the behaviour of her child while in public and in front of people who are judging her.

Hope that helps.

Trinacham · 14/04/2021 21:20

hmm tbf I have seen both sides now. Before I met my husband I was ignorant to what being on the autistic spectrum meant. I was actually assessed myself at 16, and I was, at the time, quite offended that anyone thought I could be (very embarrassed about this now, I was so ignorant!). 3 years later I met the love of my life. We were dating and I'd fallen for him before I even found out he had ASD. Then my whole viewpoint changed.
I can appreciate the ignorant comments are very frustrating and can be very offensive, but I do think it is just ignorance, as I've been that person.

huggzy · 14/04/2021 21:30

The problem is how do you know who has autism and who generally does need more discipline?

No amount of discipline will make autism go away.

You (the general you, not you personally) don't really need to decide whether a child has autism or just needs more discipline, unless it's your child it's likely to be none of your business.

Pinkyavocado · 14/04/2021 21:31

@x2boys

Some judgement can come from people who have children on the opposite ends of the spectrum ime so an aquaintence whose child has very similar needs to my child severe autism and learning disabilities they went to a party and he took another child's drink ,the other parent complained as she would never allow her child to do this ,my aquaintence wouldn't but she had her back turned for a second ,her child has no understanding that he just can't take drinks off the table due to his cognitive impairment as can't mine but there was no understanding.

My son did that in a restaurant once. Turned around and he was eating chips off of an old lady’s plate 😳. He’s an adult now and after leaving the post office one day I realised he had a bag of crisps. I went back and paid and explained he had no understanding of money or the fact you have to pay for things. The man just nodded. Next time I went in he literally followed us around. It just makes going out with him near on impossible!

5zeds · 14/04/2021 21:40

Some comments are ignorant some are rude and some are both. I rarely care what anyone thinks of our behaviour/parenting/whatever because they don’t care enough to do anything to help so I can’t really take on their issues because we’re dealing with our own. I’ll be damned if I’m going to let anyone tell me I can’t talk for my child or that they’re autism is “just as severe as his” when they can care for themselves and keep themselves safe. And I also will not be quiet while the ridiculously meagre offerings to the autistic community are taken by the most articulate.

x2boys · 14/04/2021 21:42

Sorry that made me smile ,My son stole a lolly out of another child's mouth🤷 ok he's only elevan it gets harder to explain as they get older

Pinkyavocado · 14/04/2021 21:43

@cheeseandpicklesandie - autism is a lot more than behaviour. My son is severely autistic with severe learning disabilities and non verbal but as a little boy he never has a meltdown nor was he ever “naughty”. He was the easiest child ever. It’s always been very clear though since age 2 or 3 that he’s not NT. He hums and twists his fingers, moves back and forth from one foot to the other etc. Every child with autism is different though and The fact is though YOU won’t necessarily know whether a child has autism or not and it doesn’t really matter to you.