To ask if these parents are abusive?

[cally8019]

Me and DH disagree on this. I am sympathetic, but can understand. He thinks it out of order and something needs to be done about it.

DD2 has a friend who has just turned 18. They have been friends through prep/senior ( this girl left in yr11)so we have known the family over 13 years.

They have an DS who is 21 and then their DD who is 18. The DS the “ideal” child- top marks in exams, good uni and job etc and has flown through life and is doing well.

Their DD? Struggled through school with bullying due to a disability (which me and DH weren’t even aware of), missed a lot of school because of it, failed her GCSES and hasn’t done anything since and turned to drugs last year.

DD has been supportive of her friend (which we are very proud of) and has helped her through difficulty and has helped her come clean. DD has told me the other friends she had were a rough crowd- stealing from people/shops etc. DD has told us her friend has never stolen anything apart from money for her parents- which obviously is inexcusable but different (not sure if that’s the right word?) then robbing people’s handbags in the street or from shops like these others have. I will note- I do not doubt for a second that DD hasn’t had anything to do with this crowd.

This girls parents had to help her out of debt last year- they still put a roof over her head, help her out etc.

But DD has come home tonight and said her friend has broke down to her today saying she feels she is being emotionally abused.

1. I will say it is clear their eldest child is the “favourite”. While both children have been given the same opportunities in some ways the eldest was pushed hard then the second who needed more support due to her disability but didn’t get it.

1. As mentioned before- me and DH were not aware of this girl having a disability (keeping in mind we have known her parents since the first week DD started reception). One of the reasons this girl gave to DD for being upset is that her parents didn’t even tell members of her family which she feels isn’t fair. I don’t want to disclose said disability (just in case this thread is found) but it’s severe enough for her to need support but not severe enough to be obvious if that makes sense?

1. This is where we head to murky water- according to DD, this girl can’t go anywhere without telling her parents were she is going, what she is doing and with whom. I understand this but I am sympathetic, DH does too but feels her mistakes shouldn’t be used as a noose around her neck when she is genuinely trying to piece her life together and is struggling to continue because she feels her parents don’t recognise her efforts.

The girl is a lovely girl and I do believe she has learnt from her mistakes but at the same time- while I don’t agree with some of the things her parents of done I’m sympathetic at the same time.

DD has asked if she can stay here with us. DH is saying yes (also worth mentioning he was emotionally abused by his parents)- I am undecided

What are everyone’s thoughts??

Your family (and you) sound lovely but I think you need to set firm boundaries about what happens next. Offering to provide a stepping stone is great but a family with a whole new set of rules might not be helpful.

There is a lot of grey area between supporting a friend and inviting trouble.

She might be a vulnerable teen who will turn out fine and be grateful to you. She may also abuse your kindness and make life difficult for your family.

You need to think of the boundaries you want to set, of the limits where your assistance could go no further. What are you willing to sacrifice?

Your husband seems pretty emotionally invested in this young lady's wellbeing, more so than you already. This would undoubtedly give me pause before risking a bigger rift with her living at your place. Could get very tricky.

Whatever you choose, I hope you will update this thread in a few months time. It's really interesting how this will end.

DH has gone to bed in a sulk- he says it’s “typical narcissistic behaviour”
This sounds very, very odd

My colleagues DS was a drug addict and very charming indeed. He ended up in prison and gave his Mother serious health issues from the amount of stress he put her through.

i certainly wouldn't consider parents wanting to know who and where this girl is as being abusive.
judging by the op, she's shown poor judgement and needs more time to mature. i'd consider her high risk to get back in with the wrong crowd.
but with the track record of drugs and theft life must be tense for everyone.
likewise a parent that left to her own desires would seem negligent.

This person is an addict who steals from her parents and socializes with criminals. Regardless of age, responsible parents will put limits in place to try to help their child make better choices.

You might want to think about the type of people your own child is choosing to socialize with. Is she even occasionally part of this crowd that is using drugs and committing crimes?

Speaking as the sister of an addict who died in his 20s - what do you know about addiction and how to help people who are only recently clean? If you don't think her parents are doing a good job, what makes you think that you and your husband can? I'm not being goady, nor am I saying she shouldn't live with you - but you should think carefully about what makes you best placed to help a recovering addict with a disability who you think has been emotionally abused by her parents. Naive at best to think that without specialist support, you can offer this girl a place to stay and everything will magically be better.

It's hard to give any kind of opinion here without knowing what the disability is. But regardless, strict monitoring is appropriate for a child who's addicted to illegal substances, steals money from their parents, and is friends with criminals. How does your DD know that she hasn't stolen anything other than the money from her parents? Because the friend says she didn't? It's understandable that your DD doesn't know any better, but you're adults who are thinking about providing parental care to this girl. If you're just going to take her word for everything, you're likely to do her more harm than good.

Have the parents confirmed to you personally she has this disability and they deliberately lied about it - or is this another addict's tale of woe to get somewhere free to live in order to continue using drugs?

Please tread carefully. Addicts will tell any tale they can to be the victim. She will gain her parents trust in time, they deserve that time and she probably needs the time to be secure in her recovery as well.

If you have every dealt with addicts then it's a very familiar story, my parents didn't understand me, they loved my brother more, nothing I did was good enough.

I can guarantee if you spoke to her brother he Would have a very different story and the truth is probably somewhere in the middle.

I'm not saying saying don't support the girl but just be very careful. Her parents have lived with this and know her far better than you

Keep well out of it. Continue to offer her support, but from a distance.

NO WAY would I have her moving into my house. Why does your DH want to do that, exactly?

Sounds like parents trying to parent a teenage addicts. Addicts lie to gain sympathy. It’s what they do. Teach your DD how to keep her wits about her and not be sucked in whilst also continuing to support her friend.

As for trusting an 18 year old to come and go as they please - they obviously tried that, and it went badly. You and your DH are looking at this from the outside.

Just try and think straight for a bit - if this girl moves into your house, you will be responsible for her. Her parents will probably be furious. She will do - what? You have to let her come and go, as you've said that is what they should be doing - are you ready for the implications of that?

I wouldn't say wanting to know where my teenage daughter is going is unreasonable, especially considering she is a former drug addict/thief.

You are getting one side of what sounds like a very complicated story. I would support my DD to help her friend but absolutely would not be getting involved to the extent of having her move in.

And no way should your DH be trying to move a teenage girl addict into his home.

YANBU, it's a headache you don't need in your life. Why invite a known drug abuser and thief into your home? Your DD is only giving you the sugar-coated, biased side of the story. There is undoubtedly more going on than you are aware of.

1. It could be true.
2. It might be the manipulations of someone with a drug habit whose parents are at the end of their tether and want her to take some responsibility for her own actions.

Do you want to risk having this young adult in your house? I think that there would have to be a very clear written (legally witnessed) agreement about her responsibilities and consequences.

Have you spoken to her parents about any of this? Because I think that is what it needs. Her parents clearly want to support her in the way they can/know how to and I believe they should be given the chance to adjust their behaviour towards her. It is not you and DHs problem to fix this girl.

She is 18. She has a job. She can go somewhere and live on her own. DD can move in with her. Why does she need to move in with you? I am aware people can get clean, turn their lives around etc. I have seen friends do it. But I would be very wary of inviting them into my home permanently.

Do you have been deeply involved with this girl for 13 years. She has a disability which needs a level of support but you haven’t noticed and she hasn’t mentioned it for 13 years?! Even if her parents didn’t?

Something doesn’t add up. I think you’re being played here.

The labelling of narcissistic behaviour appears to happen a lot these days.

What help does the adult girl want from you?

I'd focus on supporting your DD to support her friend rather than 'adopting' her friend.

You child cares enormously about her friend but I would keep some distance so it doesnt become all consuming X

Your dh is projecting.

The info you are getting is via two teenagers, and the parents will have a completely different version of events I suspect.

Their dd became a drug addict who stole from them. Until you've been in those shoes, you cannot judge.

Focus on supporting your dd.

If you’ve paid out for private school for years, isn’t your 18 year old headed to university in September? Are you still happy to house this girl when you don’t even have your own child at home?

I smell a whole pile of steaming bullshit here. The girl has a disability that made her miss lots of school, shes been friends with your daughter for years, and yet you (via your daughter) didn’t know that “Jess is epileptic” - or whatever her issue is. Really?

People in private schools don’t fail all their exams because their parents didn’t push them.

As a very first step, even if you think they will lie, get the whole story from her parents. I think you’ll find plenty of places where the stories don’t match and not all will look like lying parents. They want to know where their recovering addict, thief daughter who hangs with a bad crowd, whose disability means she can be in danger away from home is... what exactly is the bad thing they’re doing there?

Get both stories and be honest with yourself.

You do realise of course, that had this girl passed all her exams, her parents would have been emotionally abusive because they pushed her too hard?

Oh and you sound desperately naïve about addiction. So do some reading on that before your husband moves her in.