Cousins crappy gifts

[Babygotblueyes]

I have a cousin the same age as me. Her parents divorced when she was young (like mine). Unlike mine, hers both kept contact and spent years trying to spoil her more than the other. She has a long history of giving me (and my sister) really cheap and nasty gifts - like, tat from the market, free branded stuff she has been given at conferences. If she was cheap with everyone, I wouldnt mind, but she gives lovely presents to my parents, and boasts about how much she has spent on her only daughter and on herself. So, it was my birthday a few days ago and I got a box of chocolates from her, (and according the to note her child and their partner - her child is late 20s and has never bought anyone except her mother a present in her life). The box is tiny, like the ones you can add to a bouquet or other gift as a small addition. I've seen it online, it costs £5. And no, before you ask, she is not furloughed, is in a secure job, owns a house in London with a tiny mortgage, and has professional job with a lucrative second income coming in.

So, here is my question. She and child have birthdays coming up, which she is always very careful to call and drop hints about. I usually send them both a thoughtful gift and now the childs partner too. But for some reason this time, I am really annoyed at this.

So, heres my question - should I rise above it again and do what I usually do, or send her and child a similar box? Or send the same kind of box to all 3 of them?

YABU - rise above it and be the better person.
YANBU - send the same kind of box back to them.

she will also let it be known if she is not happy with the gift you get her.

I can't imagine someone complaining to me about a gift I gave them. If they did, I'd reply that it was probably best if we just stopped exchanging gifts. Less fuss and headache, less waste-- better all around!

I don't think I could care what someone thought about me, if they were so blatantly selfish and horrible!

Ive never bought my cousins a gift..😬
Christ me and my brothers don't send cards or gifts to each other either ( we all have a really great relationship , just don't feel the need to buy)
If I was you, I just would'nt bother buying your extended family , anything more than a card (& even contemplate not sending that either!)

@JustAddCoffee91

Yeah I'd wrap up a tube of smarties and have done with it

Why are you getting any of them presents at all? You don’t even like them.

I’d just stop sending gifts. Seems a bit pointless all round.

Are you my sister? This sounds exactly like the situation between her and our cousin. Every single year the same thing happens at Christmas. My cousin will given her a list of what her 3 would really love totalling £60 - £80 that she really can't afford, and in return her one child is given selection pack. Its the old saying "fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice shame on me".

YABU - rise above it and be the better person.
This literally makes no sense to me. Better person? .

You're not obligated to send gifts at all, so send one willingly or not at all.
There's no virtue in giving a larger gift, nor lack of for sending a token. You're overthinking on a grand scale.

Same back- there is only so many times I'd put myself in this position. Gifts are supposed to be juts that- gifts. No obligation. However if you feel that she isn't reciprocating the effort/ then stop putting in the effort. Get something in a similar vein- and clearly the presents from the daughter are most likely from her too- so would do the same.

Just make a donation to a charity in her name and explain it's not very environmentally friendly to keep buying stuff and that you don't want a gift in future. UNICEF do some lovely things like kits for midwives in Africa.

@EveryDayIsADuvetDay

the "cheap gifts" aren't a one off - just buy gifts of a similar value if you want to give a gift and not feel aggrieved about the inequality of gifts.

because she always makes such a big deal about presents - receiving more than giving clearly

Yes, this. And should she say something, tell her that you realized that giving gifts was evidently a strain on her finances, and did not want to embarrass her with the inequity.

Send her a mini Chocolate Willy, hopefully she will not see the funny side and never bother sending gifts again, you don’t really need that type of person in your life!

@Overdueanamechange

Are you my sister? This sounds exactly like the situation between her and our cousin. Every single year the same thing happens at Christmas. My cousin will given her a list of what her 3 would really love totalling £60 - £80 that she really can't afford, and in return her one child is given selection pack. Its the old saying "fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice shame on me".

Exactly. I genuinely don't understand why anyone would continue to accept gift lists, in that situation, and leave themselves out of pocket, as well!

Just stop the gifts...say you dont want to do it anymore...less stress...i soemtimes get small things for friends if i see them and just give it to them and say its an early xmas gift etc...useful items....we dont exchange xmas gifts on a formal basis any more...life is so much easier since stopping the gifts over 10 years ago.

YANBU. I would buy her as similar as you can get, and say that you have been thinking and it’s time to stop gifting now

Yes do it. Let her complain sometimes people need to taste their own medicine.

Regift her the poxy chocolates with the cheapest nastiest card you can find. She'd have a cheek complaining about not liking something she gave you or saying they're a bit cheap

Suggest a no-gift pact from now on, or vouchers (coffee shop etc.) of equal value (suggest the value). I hate random tat and don't want it as gifts.

Would it be impertinent to mention the Oxfam Goat gift option?

What a bizarre thread. She’s your cousin and the gift is just a small but kind token gesture. Giving her a plant or flowers on her birthday would be nice too. Seems demanding to want a bigger better gift from a distant relative.

Buy her and her child similar gifts. If she dares to say anything tell her that you’ve noticed she seems to be on a tight budget and you didn’t want to embarrass her by outdoing her. And that maybe it’s time to exchange cards anyway, as everyone is getting a bit old for the fuss.

get £1 chocs from poundland.

Just tell her you've decided to stop doing presents.

Apart from very small token presents to my parents I gave up sending Christmas presents in the 1970s after my gran died. I have never given to cousins, nephews and nieces.

One of the good things about covid is that it had given many families the opportunity to rethink the way they do things and to make a break with the past.

In your position I would not send a gift at all. If asked I would say that you have decided to re-evaluate things and in the future you will only be gifting immediate family members on significant occasions.

Job done.

I have a friend like this, though she pretends she's gone all out and has something very special for you, going on about it for weeks beforehand. It's always free tat from a conference or work event she received for free. Meanwhile I always give her children very lovely, thoughtful gifts. She has about 4x my income and likes to brag about that too.

This Christmas I decided after another free branded tat that enough is enough. Done with presents. Won't do anymore now. Just a card with message.

Use covid as the excuse.
If you must put a £5 limit on all gifts.
But I would just say that since their gifts are tokens, you feel you will follow their lead, unless they think you should all just do cards.
I remember my ex emailed me a link to something and said would our children like to buy this as his Easter gift from them.
I answered him with Easter is £3 max chocolate eggs, it's not Christmas.