Cousins crappy gifts

[Babygotblueyes]

I have a cousin the same age as me. Her parents divorced when she was young (like mine). Unlike mine, hers both kept contact and spent years trying to spoil her more than the other. She has a long history of giving me (and my sister) really cheap and nasty gifts - like, tat from the market, free branded stuff she has been given at conferences. If she was cheap with everyone, I wouldnt mind, but she gives lovely presents to my parents, and boasts about how much she has spent on her only daughter and on herself. So, it was my birthday a few days ago and I got a box of chocolates from her, (and according the to note her child and their partner - her child is late 20s and has never bought anyone except her mother a present in her life). The box is tiny, like the ones you can add to a bouquet or other gift as a small addition. I've seen it online, it costs £5. And no, before you ask, she is not furloughed, is in a secure job, owns a house in London with a tiny mortgage, and has professional job with a lucrative second income coming in.

So, here is my question. She and child have birthdays coming up, which she is always very careful to call and drop hints about. I usually send them both a thoughtful gift and now the childs partner too. But for some reason this time, I am really annoyed at this.

So, heres my question - should I rise above it again and do what I usually do, or send her and child a similar box? Or send the same kind of box to all 3 of them?

YABU - rise above it and be the better person.
YANBU - send the same kind of box back to them.

People give what they believe to be nice gifts.
It would be rude not to give her as nice a gift as she gave you so shitty little box of chocolates it is, if that’s what she thinks is nice to receive 😇

But there is no pleasure in choosing and giving s thoughtful gift to someone who doesn't give you any thought at all.

No, so in that case cut the pretence and don’t give anything except a card, perhaps.

@Daydrambeliever

Just stop sending gifts to randomers. I don't even know my cousin's child's partner let alone picking out gifts for them. Honestly, just say for environmental reasons you will be making donations instead of gifting.

She’s not a ‘randomer’, though, is she? (Pretty sure that’s not a real word.) OP hasn’t been buying gifts for the bag lady down at the tube station - it’s her cousin.

OP - have you thought of shitting in a Jiffy bag and posting that to her?

If you give her the exact same present back, she will find it difficult to criticise it for being cheap/tacky. Surely?!!

I'd send a similar gift to her and call it quits after that - but then I don't bother with presents to adult family members outside of my sibling & parent. She really is a pisstaker though.

Honestly match it exactly.
They can't complain.

My mil gives me things she bought herself then decided she didn't want. Think hobbs/lk Bennett old lady chiffon scarf
I used to give her very nice gifts but now it's passable brands

*Bought at 80% off

Why send anything at all. She can't be pissed off about a crap gift if you don't send one at all. A simple 'no, I'm not doing gifts anymore' will suffice.

Sending to your cousin's child's partner is a bit much anyway.

If you must send, send her the same chocolates but stop with the extended family. Where does it end?

My SIL always gave me hideous regifted cheap toiletries whilst i got her nice thoughtful presents that i knew she wanted. Three years ago on her birthday i gave her back the regifted bayliss and harding toiletries set she had given me. She didn't comment but then gave me back the same set re-wrapped the following year. I then took pains to disguise it by putting it in a different shaped box and gave it back to her the year after . It's become a family joke and nobody has fallen out about it, i'm glad to have ones less gift to think about 😂

I’d give her back the same thing. If she cribs you can just say that you assumed she had decided to do smaller gifts so you were taking her lead.

I also wouldn’t give a gift to her child’s partner unless there’s a major backstory about bringing up her child or something. Even cousins adult child is far more than many families do.

Box of chocolates, job done.

Depending on whether you’re feeling ‘rise above’ or ‘sod you’, you can vary the type and size and cost of the chocolates. Rise above - posher brand, sod you - £5 supermarket choice.

If she’s happy to give chocolates as a gift she’ll be delighted to receive them, and if she’s not you can just let her know (politely) in advance of next gift-giving occasion that you think it’s time to stop exchanging gifts so not to buy you one...

Agree with the 29p card from the Card Factory, but when you in there have a look at their gifts as well. They always seem to have really great selection of things, like scented candles, mugs, champagne glasses etc. all under £3. Might be a bit tacky, but.........

I’d be buying her presents in charity shops from now, CF as she is 😡

Buy a bottle of cheap and nasty wine. And a tiny box of cut price chocolates.

Just get her a token gift, and tell her you thought that's all you both were doing.

My SIL does this, she just gets a similar gift in return. So get her a box of celebrations and be done with it.

I wouldn't even bother with a card.

I used to take time to send really nice Christmas cards. But when I kept being sent the nastiest card from a multi selection box, I decided to call it a day and stop sending Christmas cards to certain persons.

Don't send your cousin anything and instead just send her birthday wishes in a text.

charity shops will be opening on Monday
either a recycled from there
OR
give a toilet gift card or a donkey or something
cross post

You sound a bit preachy.

😂 love this reply!

YANBU regift the chocs back to her

I agree with previous suggestion, perhaps the next special occasion when she is likely to buy you a gift (Christmas?), suggest that you just do the kids from now on.

I'd be thrilled with a box of chocs (though a decent box!), or a scented candle, as it's something that won't clutter the house.

Obviously you're getting something out of this, even if it is just the opportunity to moan about her, otherwise you'd just stop the gifts.

If the gift giving and receiving is giving no joy, it's common sense to just agree to stop. We only do children in our family now. No reason you can't just do that 🤷‍♀️

The fact you’ve continued to buy her decent gifts whilst receiving crap for a while is your main problem here. She clearly doesn’t think very highly of your or your sibling. Don’t gift her anything.

"Rising above it" is overrated, imo. I'd suggest we stop exchanging gifts (phrase it as "simplifying", focusing on enjoying family/leisure/life instead of material things no-one really needs, or doing what's right for the environment, perhaps). If you feel you must give her or her child a gift, I'd give something of comparable value.

Why in the world should you spend more on her than she spends on you?!

Keep and re gift. I have a SIL just like your cousin and it took me a few years to stoop to her level but a half spent gift card given to my youngest DD on her birthday was the last straw. She has now taken the hint stopped giving gifts so that suits me.

Your cousin's child's partner - does this person even know your name?
Just stop. If she mentions it, say you thought it was about time you stopped.