Friend wants a whole weekend away

[Usernamqwerty]

My friend has the huff because I can't go away for a whole weekend because it would mean I'd have to have the kids myself for a whole weekend some other time.

DH and I both work full-time and usually spilt the weekend up between us so we alternate who has the kids / time off to relax. Kids are 2 and 4 years old so need constant looking after. No family nearby to help and getting a babysitter would be too expensive.

My friend brought up the idea of a city trip (90 minutes on the train from London, but 3 hours door to door). I said fine and I could come down Saturday evening and go back late afternoon Sunday. However, she's got the huff and said it would be a waste of time just meeting up for a few hours (partially because she doesn't get up until midday, which is another issue...)

I tried explaining a whole weekend away would have to wait until the kids are older and she got huffy. She doesn't have kids herself.

I have a mini break booked for my birthday in October, in return I have the kids one weekend when DH is off on a leisure thing, but I end up on my knees with exhaustion if I have them all weekend with no break so this is a one-off!

I can't take any annual leave to extend the weekend and my friend works full-time too.

AIBU or should my friend just suck it up?

[Nothing77]

I’m with the op on this. Dh snd i work full time, no family support nearby so we both need alone time as well as time as a family during weekends, so we often split the weekends in terms of looking after our 3 year old ds. To add to the mix we have a sd 17 and ss aged 11 (whom is very demanding) living full time. Completely understand the feeling of being on your knees with exhaustion otherwise...for context we are in our mid 40s and definitely considered not having another child for this reason!

[EmpressSuiko]

OP I’ve got two children with autism that have 18 months between them, I had no family to ever help, DH always worked full time so I had to cope with two small children 24/7 7 days a week, I’m sure al of of mother’s and fathers do this so it’s a bit odd to read that someone can’t cope for a weekend? You are a parent, it’s what you do, it’s tiring and sometimes overwhelming but you just get on with it.

[birdglasspen]

Eh....I look after my children, same age as yours every day. DH works a lot, if he's lucky he gets half an hour before bed with them. If you don't want to go don't but looking after your own 2 kids for a weekend isn't an excuse? Surely whatever happens on such a weekend you would share the care at least a little unless partner is actually away for 2 whole days? Or do you just ignore the kids when isn't your 'turn"?!

[Squeejit]

Do you actually spend time together the four of you? The way it reads makes it sound like you spend your weekends looking after the kids alone to give the other time off - like the kids are a massive chore.
I may be reading it wrong, but it doesn’t sound very joyful.

[OolieMacdoolie]

I think it’s weird both that you and your DH keep score so closely, and also that you can’t contemplate one whole weekend of looking after them. Small children are tiring but I wouldn’t say to the point of a whole weekend of looking after them being impossible to agree to.

Your friend probably thinks you’re just making excuses because your set up is so unusual.

[VodkaSlimline]

Jesus Christ, do both you and your partner hate looking after your own kids that much? How do you think single parents manage? What would happen if one of you had to have a week in hospital, would the other one then expect to go away for a week's holiday to even things up? YABVU.

[Rewis]

You are not unreasonable for not wanting to go for the whole weekend. But the reason you are not going is that the trade off is not worth it to you, which is why your friend is upset.

Your set up is unusual and therefore she does not get it. Not because she doesnt have kids.

[sweeneytoddsrazor]

Young children are tiring, sometimes exhausting. Not on your knees exhausted after 1 weekend. And all this stupid counting the days and hours each of you have. We have 5 kids the youngest 3 were all under 3 at one point. We just muddled happily along. Some weekends we did family things, some weekends one or other of us wasn't around some weekends one would be doing something with a couple of them whilst the other was doing something entirely different with the others. We never felt the need to regulate what hours we spent with them because it all tends to balance out over time anyway

[shouldistop]

It is a bit of an odd set up with your dh tbh to be so strict about splitting parenting like that. Do you never all do something together as a family? 4yo's shouldn't really be that much hard work and does the 4yo not entertain the 2yo a bit? Is the 2yo not still having a nap?
If you work full time then you only have the kids 2 full days.
Is there something else at play here? I don't want to sound harsh or anything.

[SunInTheSkyYouKnowHowIFeel]

I find your arrangement with your DH really odd. How much 'time off' do you each need with the kids? I can see why you'd do this occasionally for the odd hour or so but not split whole weekends so rigidly all the time. Of course looking after 2 and 4 year olds is exhausting, but there will be plenty of time to rest when they leave home or turn into grumpy teenagers. You make it sound like having children is something horrendous?

If you don't want to go for such a long weekend then just tell your friend that, but your excuse just sounds weird and I'd be quite baffled if I was your friend.

[Twoforthree]

I know someone who split the weekend like this with their dh. It always struck me as strange that they never had any actual family time and the kids never actually saw their parents together doing any fun things. It was always either/or.

[NoddyMcPintsAlot]

Usernamqwerty
...........
‘’DH and I both work full-time and usually spilt the weekend up between us so we alternate who has the kids / time off to relax. Kids are 2 and 4 years old so need constant looking after. No family nearby to help and getting a babysitter would be too expensive.......’’

So each weekend you both take turns having sole responsibility for minding 2 kids?

Surely most parents just muck into together at weekend and spend family time together.

It sounds odd to me that you trade off weekends with each other.

[Iminaglasscaseofemotion]

@Usernamqwerty

So no-one else finds small children exhausting then... 🤔

Not that exhausting that I can't look after them for a weekend myself

[GCSEmum2024]

I'm with your friend (I hope this is a reverse!).

2 and 4 is not that difficult- they will both be amused by the same sorts of things, go to bed early... plus the weekends away feel even more fun when you get to take your mum hat off!

Your arrangement with your DH sounds a bit odd.

[JennyBond]

@Nothing77 I don’t think anyone is disagreeing about splitting some of the time each weekend so both parents get some time to themselves. We always make time to exercise for example. But to not go away for a weekend because you dont want to return the favour of having the kids a full weekend is just odd. One weekend. It’s not like it’s every month. They would both probably benefit hugely from a bit more time away if they genuinely find it that difficult.

[Cherrysoup]

I don’t understand why you have to do a whole weekend with the kids if you’re away one weekend. Surely your dh just looks after them when you’re not around? Surely you don’t have to play tit for tat totally equally? Whose mad idea was that? He’s their dad, it’s called co-parenting.

[manchote]

[quote drugsdontwork]@manchote I think she means at a later date her DH will go away for a weekend since she went away and then she will have to look after the kids that weekend [/quote]
I get that but why not just ask for the weekend off without a quid pro quo?

[Dazedandconfused2021]

YABVVU and what a strange set up! Why on earth can't you look after your kids on your own for one weekend? If your husband was sick and in bed for a weekend would he owe you a weekend or would that be ok?

[LadyDanburysCane]

@Usernamqwerty

So no-one else finds small children exhausting then... 🤔

Yes... but they were my children! I chose to have them! I had a weekend away fir a hen do when mine were very small. I had a great time (although I did miss them) and they and DH totally survived without me.

Mind you, DH didn’t then say “I had them for a weekend now you have to have them for a weekend” because.... well.... we are Mum AND Dad so we just look after OUR children without keeping account. (No family etc. first time we went away TOGETHER without the children the youngest was 12 and on a school residential trip!).

[londongirl12]

@Usernamqwerty

So no-one else finds small children exhausting then... 🤔

Ummm yeah!! But that's what being a parent is about. It seems a very strange set up, do you not do anything together at the weekend as a family?

[Disfordarkchocolate]

I couldn't cope with the bean counting. I'm married, 95% of the weekend we parent together. It is far less tiring this way, especially with young children.

[jessstan2]

@LanguageAsAFlower

Lots of people look after their own children all weekend 52 times a year! I think you don't want to go for that long with your friend, which is fine, just tell her that. If you were using the kids excuse with me I would think you were making it up, because so many people are either single parents or have partners who work at the weekends that it just doesn't seem like a real reason!

I thought that too.

[DarcyLewis]

@Usernamqwerty

So no-one else finds small children exhausting then... 🤔

Not to the point that you literally can’t look after them for 48 hours!

[Allwokedup]

It’s weird that to be able to go you would have to owe your husband a weekend away. Very childish and tit for tat. If I go away my husband just looks after his children, and if he goes away I look after them.

It’s up to you how long you want to go for.

[TolkiensFallow]

They are exhausting but you are very likely to be capable of looking after them on your own for a weekend.

Given the choice though, you’ve decided you don’t want to do this which is fine. As others have said just own it, it’s not that you can’t - you just don’t want to.

I do think your friend is being a bit huffy, you’re up for going away overnight which is tough with kids those ages. She also needs to own it if it’s not worth it to her to go for one night.

Do you do a day each with the kids then? Do you never do things as a family?