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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this condescending?

71 replies

MediocreButter · 11/04/2021 17:48

Last night I decided to dress up DC in a cute outfit that has a hood on it, just because it was cute.

I sent a picture of DS in this outfit into the family group chat that contains myself and DPs family members.

Not long after, I receive a private message from MIL asking if I'm planning on putting DC to bed in this outfit, as I need to be careful due to the fact that there's a hood on the outfit.

I was a bit baffled that she felt the need to go out of her way to tell me this, especially when we've actually mentioned before about how we would never put DC to bed in a an outfit that had a hood, we would always ensure bibs are taken off, and any accessories e.g. dummy clips etc.

Just for context, she has a bit of a habit of speaking to me and DP in similar ways to the above, for example, when we mentioned that we were going to try DC on bananas when we were weaning, she told us to ensure that we don't give DC green bananas, to which we responded that we wouldn't even eat green bananas ourselves, never mind feeding them to DC. I have no idea what made her think that we would give DC green bananas :/

Is it just me, or is this a little condescending? I haven't responded to the message, and don't plan to. However, if she brings it up when I see her I'm not sure what I'll say, apart from "have a little bit of faith in me as a mother".

OP posts:
pepsicolagirl · 11/04/2021 17:50

she is just trying to help. Why are you defensive?

Geamhradh · 11/04/2021 17:51

No.

Roussette · 11/04/2021 17:51

I think that is really sweet.

She cares. What's the matter with that?

AmyLou100 · 11/04/2021 17:51

Yanbu. She Is treating you as you are stupid. I would send your reply to her. Why wait for her to put you down again. I would be very upset at this. What does your dh say?

OverTheRainbow88 · 11/04/2021 17:51

Not condescending but she sounds anxious!

Original poster
MediocreButter · 11/04/2021 17:53

He told me to ignore her, as she has a habit of speaking to others in this way, so he doesn't believe that responding would make any difference.

OP posts:
Verite1 · 11/04/2021 17:53

Meh. It’s the sort of thing my mum would say to me.

eatsleepread · 11/04/2021 17:54

This would probably elicit a bit of an eye-roll from me, but I couldn't get too worked up about it. It's sometimes just how older people are. It would annoy me more if it came from someone I didn't get on with though.

Myneighboursnorlax · 11/04/2021 17:54

She messaged you privately rather than in the group chat, so I don’t think she’s done anything wrong. Yes it’s unnecessary but she sounds anxious and from her perspective wouldn’t be able to forgive herself if she didn’t say anything and something happened. A simple “don’t worry, we know, but thank you” is all you need to say.

Plumedenom · 11/04/2021 17:55

That's some major anxiety right there. It is a reflection on her, not her opinion of you. Just reassure her and move on.

VettiyaIruken · 11/04/2021 17:55

You could just reply thanks but don't you remember when we were talking about such and such and I said I would never do that?

ColourfulElmerElephant · 11/04/2021 17:56

It’s just you. At least she sent you a private message and she clearly meant well. Many people don’t know better.

lioncitygirl · 11/04/2021 17:57

Eerrr she’s just trying to help? Unless there’s some back drip story about how she’s done this for years and years? Why so defensive?

JennyBond · 11/04/2021 17:57

She just sounds like she’s a mothering type, always trying to mother everyone (you included). I wouldn’t take offence.

GrumpyHoonMain · 11/04/2021 17:58

It sounds like how many mums would talk to their adult kids if they hadn’t entirely transitioned from being a parent of children. My own mum says stuff like this too. Just ignore it. But you have to be intelligent and not overshare with her too. She doesn’t need to know the specifics of baby’s weaning meals unless she’s involved in childcare (and it sounds like she’s not) and you could have waited until the morning to send the hoody photo. It’s just little things but will save your sanity

Original poster
MediocreButter · 11/04/2021 17:59

@Plumedenom

That's some major anxiety right there. It is a reflection on her, not her opinion of you. Just reassure her and move on.
That's actually such a lovely way to look at it. It's not that she meant any offence, or thinks I'm a crap mother, just that she's really anxious. Thank you Flowers
OP posts:
HollowTalk · 11/04/2021 17:59

She's just trying to help and is obviously a bit anxious. You sound very quick to take offence.

Amdone123 · 11/04/2021 18:00

Oops, I'm guilty of this. I say the daftest things to my 32year old son with regards to my granddaughter. He's a brilliant dad and really doesn't need me telling him anything.

It's just because I care. ❤

Original poster
MediocreButter · 11/04/2021 18:04

@Amdone123

Oops, I'm guilty of this. I say the daftest things to my 32year old son with regards to my granddaughter. He's a brilliant dad and really doesn't need me telling him anything. It's just because I care. ❤
But you still think he's a great dad? That's really lovely.

I do recognise and have a lot of empathy for the fact that it must be difficult for parents transitioning into being a grandparent, and not having the same amount of say in your grandchildrens' lives. Flowers

OP posts:
OverTheRainbow88 · 11/04/2021 18:08

My mum had/has a weird obsession with my kids being cold... it’s the main thing she talks about. I could send her 10 pics of us out and about and she won’t say anything other than should they be wearing a coat?

Original poster
MediocreButter · 11/04/2021 18:16

@OverTheRainbow88

My mum had/has a weird obsession with my kids being cold... it’s the main thing she talks about. I could send her 10 pics of us out and about and she won’t say anything other than should they be wearing a coat?
Yep, that sounds like my MIL haha I know I'm being silly though. I think I've taken it the wrong way because I feel like what she's really saying is "You're a bad mother, so I need to tell you this because you wont think of it yourself". I know that isn't fair on her. I guess we're both as anxious as each other!
OP posts:
JennyBond · 11/04/2021 18:33

It might help to think what would I think if it was my DM saying that? The answer is probably still annoying but you’re likely to just roll your eyes and move on. For some reason when it’s a MIL it seems worse than your own DM.

Amdone123 · 11/04/2021 18:40

@MediocreButter, yeah, he's the best dad. Am so proud of him. I say things like, Make sure you hold her hand when you're crossing the road ! As if he wouldn't. I sound stupid to my own ears.
You're right though, the transitioning from parent to grandparent is an ongoing learning curve.

Original poster
MediocreButter · 11/04/2021 18:45

@JennyBond

It might help to think what would I think if it was my DM saying that? The answer is probably still annoying but you’re likely to just roll your eyes and move on. For some reason when it’s a MIL it seems worse than your own DM.
Yea I completely agree with this! Unfortunately, my own mother isn't in the picture, so it's difficult for me to know how I would feel to be honest.
OP posts:
emilyfrost · 11/04/2021 18:47

YABVU and oversensitive. It’s not condescending; she cares.