Is this condescending?

[MediocreButter]

Last night I decided to dress up DC in a cute outfit that has a hood on it, just because it was cute.

I sent a picture of DS in this outfit into the family group chat that contains myself and DPs family members.

Not long after, I receive a private message from MIL asking if I'm planning on putting DC to bed in this outfit, as I need to be careful due to the fact that there's a hood on the outfit.

I was a bit baffled that she felt the need to go out of her way to tell me this, especially when we've actually mentioned before about how we would never put DC to bed in a an outfit that had a hood, we would always ensure bibs are taken off, and any accessories e.g. dummy clips etc.

Just for context, she has a bit of a habit of speaking to me and DP in similar ways to the above, for example, when we mentioned that we were going to try DC on bananas when we were weaning, she told us to ensure that we don't give DC green bananas, to which we responded that we wouldn't even eat green bananas ourselves, never mind feeding them to DC. I have no idea what made her think that we would give DC green bananas :/

Is it just me, or is this a little condescending? I haven't responded to the message, and don't plan to. However, if she brings it up when I see her I'm not sure what I'll say, apart from "have a little bit of faith in me as a mother".

My mum says stuff like this all the time. She's a worrier and even though she knows it will irritate us, she still thinks "but what if I say nothing and DGD dies?" It makes her sound like she has no faith in us to make decisions, despite us being very risk aware. But I've given up on feeling insulted, it's like a compulsion for her.

Don’t feel too bad OP, I think constant anxious and annoying messages from someone who gives the impression of constantly thinking you’re an idiot, would wear most of us down.

Isn’t this just the sort of slightly over-invested parenting that mums never grow out of? I adore my mum and she me, but even though I’ve been successfully driving my own life for a decade and a half now, if I buy new shoes my mum asks if I made sure I checked they don’t pinch at the heel. If I buy a frying pan she asks if I checked it works on my induction hob. Mowing the lawn? I’m not doing it wearing flip flops, am I? I bought a duck coop yesterday and sent her a photo and she asked me if I was sure the ducks would be able to walk up the ramp

I don’t think your MIL is being deliberately condescending - she’s just a slightly clucking mother hen.

I totally get why you feel like that. She might have had the thought and then got anxious and then thought it's better to say something than regret not saying something. Hopefully it will get better as she sees you with your child more?

Yes, she sounds anxious.
I find myself saying similar to my own adult children.

Ah, bless her. Sounds like the sort of anxiety where she's thinking "I know she knows, but if I don't say it and something happens, I'll never forgive myself".

It's real irritating for her to say this.

She could have worded it better, it's rather blunt. Something like Loved the picture he looks so sweet, sorry to be a worrier but don't forget to take it off before bed, I'm sure you will, love Grandma.

I think I'd find her message a bit annoying, but as others have pointed out, try to view it from the angle of her being a slightly anxious new grandparent rather than a personal slight.

Grandmas worry. Its what they do. Mil feels anxious and likes to safer better than sorry. It's not a reflection on you, it's her anxiety.

This could be me! I see danger everywhere when grandchildren are involved, I wasn't like this with my own kids. She cares and isn't judging you at all.

I think she's just anxious and the fact that she messaged privately shows that she is trying not to make a thing out of it
I did something very similar about my baby granddaughter recently and was worried DD would think I was being "off"

This would piss me off too. I think it's annoying when it's your in laws cause you can't actually say what you think ie if it was my own mother I might say something like "Yes Mum I'm not stupid you know" but it's difficult when it's not your family.

Oh dear im guilty of a bit of this. I really mean no harm and it genuinely is because i can be overly anxious and absolutely no reflection at all on my son and his wifes parenting abilities. I know they aren't stupid but i also know how hectic life can be with small children and sometimes things get forgotten or overlooked so i tend to double check.
The fact she private messaged you shows she wasn't trying to embarrass you

You sound very caring Bettysnow but there is a risk of coming across as a bit patronising or dare I say, interfering.

I suppose it depends how these worries are worded. It can probably be done quite tactfully, along with a caveat of "sorry I'm being anxious" all wrapped up in assurances of what good parents you think they are..etc.

I'm not a mother in law (yet) I'm sure it's a difficult balance of trying to help but also trying not to tread on a daughter in law's toes!

Chill out and stop over thinking. Just a caring granny that's all.

I'm amazed by some of these replies. Intention is irrelevant when you're constantly undermining someone's parenting abilities. It's a really dickish thing to do and if you're aware you're doing it, you need to stop and take some responsibility for yourself.

Sounds like something I’d say - I’m a worrier! And would rather speak up then not say anything and something bad happened. Just reply ‘of course not!’

It's not about you though. It's about her caring about her grandchild.

As a DMIL and DM (hopefully 😂), she absolutely does not think you are a crap mum or mean to suggest you don’t know what you are doing. She is anxious, and loves your DC to bits and would never forgive herself if something happened and she hadn’t mentioned it. It is a reflection of her overwhelming love for you all. She messaged you privately as she knows she is being a bit of a worry wort. If you possibly can, be kind and reassure her. The more you do this the more she will relax too. You seem lovely so I’m sure she knows how lucky she is

@Myneighboursnorlax

She messaged you privately rather than in the group chat, so I don’t think she’s done anything wrong. Yes it’s unnecessary but she sounds anxious and from her perspective wouldn’t be able to forgive herself if she didn’t say anything and something happened. A simple “don’t worry, we know, but thank you” is all you need to say.

That. She's anxious, and worried that if anything happened and she hadn't said anything, she'd never forgive herself.

It's not condescension. It's the same instinct to keep a small child safe that mothers have, but by one degree of separation, and knowing that one doesn't have control.

I'm GM to a toddler, and the instincts I had to the fore when her mother was that age have surfaced out of nowhere in a very similar way. It's taken me by surprise to be honest. I try really hard not to interfere, but anything that could be potentially dangerous triggers the same sort of instinctive response that no child other than my own daughters has ever triggered.

A simple “don’t worry, we know, but thank you” is all you need to say.

Yep.

You guys are right, I'm being really awful, aren't I?

I should be thankful that someone loves my child so much, rather than moaning that she's "condescending". I know she's anxious, and she definitely suffers with anxiety for sure.

If she mentions it when I see her I'll try to kind and reassure her, I promise. I know it must be hard for her, she loves my DC so much, yet she can't protect him as much as she would probably like to when it comes to his day-to-day activities etc.

I'll be kind, I promise

@Holly60

As a DMIL and DM (hopefully 😂), she absolutely does not think you are a crap mum or mean to suggest you don’t know what you are doing. She is anxious, and loves your DC to bits and would never forgive herself if something happened and she hadn’t mentioned it. It is a reflection of her overwhelming love for you all. She messaged you privately as she knows she is being a bit of a worry wort. If you possibly can, be kind and reassure her. The more you do this the more she will relax too. You seem lovely so I’m sure she knows how lucky she is

Thank you so much, you're so kind!

Is she anxious

Whats wrong with green banana?

Not sure how everyone above can say this is “caring” and that you’re being unreasonable 😂 Sorry but I do see it as really annoying. It’s an outfit, why on earth does she think you’re putting your child to sleep in it like you’re an idiot who doesn’t have pjs 🤦🏻‍♀️ If you’d of messaged in the group chat saying “look at this cute outfit, might put her to bed in it” then yeah absolutely understand the comment but you didn’t say that so the comment was unnecessary sorry 🤔

My MIL is similar. I joked that my baby was smiling after they were born, and she was like “no it’s wind” ok hunni calm it 🥲 she also likes to frequently tell us that our child needs X, Y and Z, even though they have this, she just doesn’t like the colour/style blah blah. All pointless unsolicited advice that does my head in. She’s more than welcome to input change and opinions into her own kids but pls back off mine 😃