Is this condescending?

[MediocreButter]

Last night I decided to dress up DC in a cute outfit that has a hood on it, just because it was cute.

I sent a picture of DS in this outfit into the family group chat that contains myself and DPs family members.

Not long after, I receive a private message from MIL asking if I'm planning on putting DC to bed in this outfit, as I need to be careful due to the fact that there's a hood on the outfit.

I was a bit baffled that she felt the need to go out of her way to tell me this, especially when we've actually mentioned before about how we would never put DC to bed in a an outfit that had a hood, we would always ensure bibs are taken off, and any accessories e.g. dummy clips etc.

Just for context, she has a bit of a habit of speaking to me and DP in similar ways to the above, for example, when we mentioned that we were going to try DC on bananas when we were weaning, she told us to ensure that we don't give DC green bananas, to which we responded that we wouldn't even eat green bananas ourselves, never mind feeding them to DC. I have no idea what made her think that we would give DC green bananas :/

Is it just me, or is this a little condescending? I haven't responded to the message, and don't plan to. However, if she brings it up when I see her I'm not sure what I'll say, apart from "have a little bit of faith in me as a mother".

@MediocreButter

You guys are right, I'm being really awful, aren't I?

I should be thankful that someone loves my child so much, rather than moaning that she's "condescending". I know she's anxious, and she definitely suffers with anxiety for sure.

If she mentions it when I see her I'll try to kind and reassure her, I promise. I know it must be hard for her, she loves my DC so much, yet she can't protect him as much as she would probably like to when it comes to his day-to-day activities etc.

I'll be kind, I promise

No you not being awful....but honestly just forget it...I say this type of thing to my daughter all the time ( she has 2 girls age 3 and 5) ....she just says ‘yes mother’ and rolls her eyes....I say it because I am a worry puss , not because I think she’s a crappy mother

It’s funny-I read your post and thought how bloody annoying it would be. DH’s grandma was like that and used to drive me crazy going on about blankets for DS when he was tiny and perfectly warm! She’s long gone now but really, despite driving me nuts, she just adored him-it wasn’t about me at all.

I’m thinking now of DS as an adult having kids (he doesn’t but could have and hopefully will have at some point!) and I would probably worry about stupid things and not know whether or how to say it or not!

I think you sound lovely-you know it’s really annoying, but also know she’s not being a cow or trying to show you up, she is just overthinking it.

A simple “don’t worry, we know, but thank you” is all you need to say.

That is perfect and a really kind way to respond

Yes she was being condescending.

@Shortiemyboo

Is she anxious

Yes, she really suffers with anxiety

I wouldn’t get too worked up about it personally, she sounds like a rather typical Mother to me.

If it's any consolation, my daughters say things like this now I'm older! They worry about me and want to be sure that I'm keeping safe!

@BlueDahlia69

Yes she was being condescending.

You know her well, do you?

@Howshouldibehave

It’s funny-I read your post and thought how bloody annoying it would be. DH’s grandma was like that and used to drive me crazy going on about blankets for DS when he was tiny and perfectly warm! She’s long gone now but really, despite driving me nuts, she just adored him-it wasn’t about me at all.

I’m thinking now of DS as an adult having kids (he doesn’t but could have and hopefully will have at some point!) and I would probably worry about stupid things and not know whether or how to say it or not!

I think you sound lovely-you know it’s really annoying, but also know she’s not being a cow or trying to show you up, she is just overthinking it.

Thank you so so much, you're wonderful xx

@BlueDahlia69

Yes she was being condescending.

And you know this how?🤔

When DS1 was born, I had a City career, owned my own house, was nearly 35. My mother used to phone me up to tell me it was cold and to make sure the baby had a cardigan on and to wrap him up warmly if we went out. Then she'd ask what he was doing and I used to tell her he naked in the baby bath in the garden. Then I'd hear the intake of breath as she made a cat's bum face and I reminded her I was nearly 35 and wasn't stupid.

Easier to snap back at your own mother.

I think older people are allowed to be a bit condescending!

@RosesAndHellebores

When DS1 was born, I had a City career, owned my own house, was nearly 35. My mother used to phone me up to tell me it was cold and to make sure the baby had a cardigan on and to wrap him up warmly if we went out. Then she'd ask what he was doing and I used to tell her he naked in the baby bath in the garden. Then I'd hear the intake of breath as she made a cat's bum face and I reminded her I was nearly 35 and wasn't stupid.

Easier to snap back at your own mother.

😂😂 This is me! My daughter is now 26 with 2 little girls and a brilliant Mum but I can’t stop myself ....... first you worry about your kids.....then you worry about your grandkids...it’s only because you love them all so much....and couldn’t bear the thought of something bad happening to any of them...my daughter is used to it now....but I’m sure I get on her nerves at times

She just sounds like she's struggling to contain her anxiety, but the impact is still the same on you-feeling that she's no faith in you etc. I think it's a general grandparent thing! Certainly in my experience! X

@Kitkat151 ds1 is 26 now too. He survived.

Yes it’s unnecessary but she sounds anxious and from her perspective wouldn’t be able to forgive herself if she didn’t say anything and something happened

Exactly this. I do it myself. I know it might be annoying but I'd never forgive myself etc.

It does smack a bit of 'you need guidance'. That word get my hackles up. If she's like that on every little thing I can see it wearing you down & I'd prob stop mentioning weaning, milestones, choice of nursery & stuff she'll weigh in on.

Mine MIL was like this, and then about a year after DD, DH drops the bombshell that she had actually lost two kids to SIDS before him, so it all made sense.

Obviously a very niche scenario, but it's sweet that she cares, and if she has form for being patronising, just brush it off with a dismissive message.

I am the Grandma that will be appreciative of lovely photos but will then point out that one of the grandchildren isn’t wearing gloves and that they look cold. (I will try to be better from now on). My daughter just thinks I’m hilarious and makes jokes which makes me laugh at myself and my anxieties. However, I would not make comments of this nature to my daughter in law who doesn’t yet have children, even though we get on brilliantly as I would worry that she would take it as criticism.

My FIL does this sort of thing all the fucking time. Only he is being condescending.

He tells me I’m irresponsible for having a nanny as she could be anyone (40 years of nannying so somewhat more qualified to parent than I am), that it’ll affect my child, questions what I’m feeding the baby, where he sleeps, he used to untuck the baby’s swaddles because he’d decided it was too hot (thereby waking the baby ), he changes his clothes, takes toys away... it’s only done out of eye and earshot of my H. Drives me up the fucking wall.

I think she's trying to pass on her wisdom, maybe she's a little clumsy in her delivery but ultimately she sees you and your fam as part of her brood and she wants the best for you all.

Although in your shoes I might get defensive too because I'm a clumsy way it implies you wouldn't have thought of that. She'll probably continue to do this and you should reply, 'thanks for caring but you must realise we never have done that/always have done that etc.