tell me how to feel- 82 yr dad living with me creeped on young woman at our house

[veryupsetaaaa]

My 82-yr old widower dad moved in with me+my 2 kids, from a different country, back in Jan. He had been living in our home country with my DB before and DB said I can't do this anymore, if you can't take him in then it's care facility. I can't bear that, our home country is a COVID mess and where I am fortunate enough to live is quite safe. My dad has always been a great, supportive dad, no hint of any misbehaviour or anything other than a loyal and loving husband and father through all these years. I am happy to care for him for as long as I am actually able to.

Anyway, he has some dementia symptoms (forgetfulness, confusion, talking random stuff) and he is on prescription pills to help with mood stabilization and we are on a waitlist to see geriatric specialist/assessment etc.

I work from home which made the whole "dad lives with me" doable, but I do have to go out for errands, work stuff once in a while, I have advertised for students on a local site (university town) and have someone sit with him and keep him company, make sure he doesn't fall over (some mobility issues) and so on (all this is within Public health regulations btw- remote Canadian province). We don't want him alone. So far just by chance I had a male student, and a couple of weeks ago I had a female student, it was her second time with him.

After she left she emailed me saying she wouldn't come anymore, as my dad had "invaded her personal space, placed his hand on her leg and made her really uncomfortable". I have to add my dad is a really frail, mobility-compromised (literally uses a walker, ffs) can barely walk for 10 minutes before needing to sit down. I don't think, and she never said that she was in actually any grave danger.

So I emailed back apologizing and saying of course I wouldn't be calling on her anymore.

I didn't say anything to my dad. What is the use?
The first couple of days I could barely look at him- I don't know if he even noticed any difference or not. I've kinda reverted back to the usual way I interact with him, and I've been reading up on eldercare and dementia but I'm still upset.

Advice , thoughts, insights please?

Anyway, I have a lot of feelings about this that I can't process.
Didn't say anything to my dad.

@forinborin I am watching their interactions (DD and dad) and she seems comfortable and relaxed enough that i am almost sure nothing untoward has happened there. My motherhood brain being what it is, I have been there and back and mentally 100 times. I guess at the right time I will have to raise it with her. She is moving out in September anyway.

As for that question "is this something he always wanted to do"- actually I had been thinking that when he creeped on the student- "has he always being an inappropriate sex creep and just disguised it?" Although this thread and the reading makes me realise/hope that it wasn't so and this is just the disease.

Thanks everyone for sharing experiences, resources and advice, very helpful!

Hi OP,
I just wanted to say that a carer experienced in Dementia would not experience or process your father in the same way as the young lady student. I'm sorry that she was made uncomfortable but that really is because she lacks the skills and experience to look after your father. I honestly feel that the behaviour you/she have describe occurring would be zero drama to an experienced carer. Some of it might even not have occurred as the carer would take control and try to distract and divert. Even this would be more about maintaining your fathers dignity than their own feelings - your fathers comments would be water off a ducks back.

You have said you can't afford actual carers for a break so I think you need to relook at your plans. If you needed an important job doing, you needed a wall building or a roof repair, you wouldn't use a student because they are a third the price. Someone qualified and experienced will be much better at looking after your father. Can your brother help with paying for respite cover now you have taken over the main carer role?

Hi OP, I am really sorry this happened. . I looked after my father in law in his last days, with dementia and it is an emotionally draining disease, especially when it comes to this kind of inappropriateness which I had also. I had to keep telling myself that this was not him, it was the disease, as indeed it is. I know you are outside of the UK, but my experience was it is really important that you have the right support and care, both practically and emotionally. This is a hard road. In the UK there is a comedian-David Baddiel who did a comedy show about his father's inappropriateness with dementia and I would recommend giving it a google. As well as being bitter sweet funny it is also quite practical in terms of how to cope. Good professional health workers are familiar with the symptoms and will simply manage then with the patient. Though this will not stop you being mortified, as it did not with me when FIL invited one paramedic to get into bed with him- she politely declined noting her girlfriend might not be best pleased.

It's the dementia. My father in law ha it and had started openly watching porn on TV during the day. Totally out of character. Dementia is a horrible condition.

It is the condition

My great-uncle was a very respected man, travelled all over the world as a high ranking specialist in the Navy. To see his decline was shocking. He believed his daughter (my aunty) was his wife and got verbally abusive towards her husband as he was so confused.

Eventually, he exposed himself inappropriately to my cousin, she was 16 or so. She understood that it was the disease but then he tried to get into bed with her. He had to go into a facility after that. Truly a cruel illness

@OolieMacdoolie

Sorry OP - it’s very hard. My grandpa became quite promiscuous and inappropriate as his dementia advanced. It wrecks peoples notions of boundaries. It’s very distressing because it wasn’t who he was at all - before he was ill he was a very decent, gentle and respectful man.

I would try to avoid the problem by only having male students in. There’s no point trying to have it out with your dad. You can’t reason with dementia.

Hope you’re ok

Seconding a lot of this.

From outside - the first time my grandfather had to go into a care home for respite care whilst we got him a downstairs wet room fitted - it meant his back door had to be moved and it was middle of feb so he needed to be somewhere warm and dry.

Within 5 minutes of walking in there, a lady had approached him and quite openly was trying to get him to go with her into his room for some... adult time. She kept insisting he came with her and to see her double bed and that she'd come to his otherwise - she was really quite invested and insistent (poor men who encountered her alone and unaware hee hee!)

From the inside: he would not keep a single item of clothing on him a lot of the time and would whip everything out to have a wee whilst you were in the room/sat next to him. No inhibitions. If covered up he'd pull the covers down. I spent many a night in hospital with him having a water infection (always made the stripping worse - worth testing dad just incase as water/chest etc infections make EVERYTHING worse with dementia or just sadly when being of advanced age) in a side room because he wouldn't keep a gown or undies or paper undies or a blanket etc etc on him and anyone walking past got an eyeful until we finally got a cubicle with curtains! The amount fo times I had to try and wrestle him into the bed - he once almost broke my thumb because I wouldn't let him out of the bed - naked (when he couldn't walk and hadn't for a good 3 years!) for a wee and tried to get a bottle.

Then when he progressed further, he would refuse to put himself in the bottle to get anyone to touch him to do it for him. He'd also strip in the middle of a sitting room with other residents and carers/visitors in too. It was all very difficult.

Dementia has a lot to answer to! It's not your dad doing it or thinking it - it's the illness literally poisoning and destroying his brain. Please don't think badly of your dad! :)