Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

tell me how to feel- 82 yr dad living with me creeped on young woman at our house

57 replies

veryupsetaaaa · 10/04/2021 21:59

My 82-yr old widower dad moved in with me+my 2 kids, from a different country, back in Jan. He had been living in our home country with my DB before and DB said I can't do this anymore, if you can't take him in then it's care facility. I can't bear that, our home country is a COVID mess and where I am fortunate enough to live is quite safe. My dad has always been a great, supportive dad, no hint of any misbehaviour or anything other than a loyal and loving husband and father through all these years. I am happy to care for him for as long as I am actually able to.

Anyway, he has some dementia symptoms (forgetfulness, confusion, talking random stuff) and he is on prescription pills to help with mood stabilization and we are on a waitlist to see geriatric specialist/assessment etc.

I work from home which made the whole "dad lives with me" doable, but I do have to go out for errands, work stuff once in a while, I have advertised for students on a local site (university town) and have someone sit with him and keep him company, make sure he doesn't fall over (some mobility issues) and so on (all this is within Public health regulations btw- remote Canadian province). We don't want him alone. So far just by chance I had a male student, and a couple of weeks ago I had a female student, it was her second time with him.

After she left she emailed me saying she wouldn't come anymore, as my dad had "invaded her personal space, placed his hand on her leg and made her really uncomfortable". I have to add my dad is a really frail, mobility-compromised (literally uses a walker, ffs) can barely walk for 10 minutes before needing to sit down. I don't think, and she never said that she was in actually any grave danger.

So I emailed back apologizing and saying of course I wouldn't be calling on her anymore.

I didn't say anything to my dad. What is the use?
The first couple of days I could barely look at him- I don't know if he even noticed any difference or not. I've kinda reverted back to the usual way I interact with him, and I've been reading up on eldercare and dementia but I'm still upset.

Advice , thoughts, insights please?

Anyway, I have a lot of feelings about this that I can't process.
Didn't say anything to my dad.

OP posts:

OolieMacdoolie · 10/04/2021 22:04

Sorry OP - it’s very hard. My grandpa became quite promiscuous and inappropriate as his dementia advanced. It wrecks peoples notions of boundaries. It’s very distressing because it wasn’t who he was at all - before he was ill he was a very decent, gentle and respectful man.

I would try to avoid the problem by only having male students in. There’s no point trying to have it out with your dad. You can’t reason with dementia.

Hope you’re ok

Original poster

veryupsetaaaa · 10/04/2021 22:04

Just adding that I namechanged for this, I;ve been on mumsnet for years and post a fair amount.

OP posts:

audweb · 10/04/2021 22:06

It is common that dementia causes sexual inhibitions to go - people can behave in ways that they would not have previously, especially depending on what kind of dementia they have. So first of all, there is that - it’s perhaps that your dad is not fully realising how he is behaving. And I say that as someone who has worked with people living with dementia.

If I had been the carer I would have just gently said we don’t behave like that like here and explained I didn’t want to be touched like that. Maybe he just needs male carers because of his dementia symptoms.

Original poster

veryupsetaaaa · 10/04/2021 22:06

@OolieMacdoolie thanks. It's gonna get worse isn't it :(

OP posts:

CatherinedeBourgh · 10/04/2021 22:08

I second what Oolie said - that’s not him, that is the dementia. It’s very common (and a known side effect of certain drugs often given to elderly people)

Original poster

veryupsetaaaa · 10/04/2021 22:08

I guess if I can acknowledge that it is his dementia acting rather than the person he was, I'll feel less upset.

OP posts:

BramStoker · 10/04/2021 22:10

Unfortunately a loss of inhibition can be a symptom of dementia and it is not that uncommon for people with dementia to make inappropriate sexual comments and behave in a way that they never would have done previously

You may be better sticking with male carers in future or using carers who are more experienced in dealing with people living with dementia

Original poster

veryupsetaaaa · 10/04/2021 22:10

I just went into this not reading up properly- I guess I had heard about this effect of dementia just didn't take it on board that it can happen in my own house and with my own dad.

OP posts:

forinborin · 10/04/2021 22:10

My grandpa became quite promiscuous and inappropriate as his dementia advanced.
Yes, same. Including towards family members too.
I am so sorry, OP, there's no easy solution. Is a professional carer an option? Not saying that anyone should tolerate their personal boundaries being violated, but someone working in this sector probably already has a lot of expertise in how to deal with such situations.

FireflyRainbow · 10/04/2021 22:10

It will be his dementia op. Your dad isn't really like that. It will be hard and do ask for help if it is.

therocinante · 10/04/2021 22:26

My grandma got like this as her dementia progressed. Was very strange to see as her grandchild - she became a complete flirt with all the men at her day respite first, then it progressed to quite crude conversations . It wasn't 'her' though - she would've been mortified at the thought before the illness took hold - and we just accepted it as part of the disease.

I'm so sorry your dad's poorly. It's a very weird aspect of what is generally an exhausting and upsetting disease, but it is very much part of it so I wouldn't worry that your dad is suddenly not the man you thought.

2bazookas · 10/04/2021 22:34

Inappropriate boundaries/disinhibition is not uncommon with dementia.

Of course the girl was not "in danger", but that doesn't minimise her discomfort and alarm ; she is young, and was alone in the house with a male she barely knew It would be better, as you say, to hire male students to supervise when you're out.

   Later stages of dementia can  require 24 hour/all night   support,   so  he may need residential care later.   To prepare yourselves for that,  it might be a good idea to  do some research now  on what's available locally.

GreyhoundG1rl · 10/04/2021 22:37

Dementia is a complete bastard

Isadora2007 · 10/04/2021 22:42

It’s not your dad it’s his illness. Not to mean that a young woman or anyone should be made to feel bad but in future you could warn anyone working with him of this risk. As a nursing student I have been spoken to or handled inappropriately by unwell patients. I don’t take it personally as I understand they are ill.
I’m sorry.

Original poster

veryupsetaaaa · 10/04/2021 22:45

I looked into professional carers from an agency and it costs over 3X as much as we pay the students. Also they will only do min. 3 hours. Not sustainable long-term.

I guess I have to acknowledge it will be a care facility back in our home country long-term, is it wrong to confess here that I hope he dies here with us and with family before it gets to that. I don't think being on a temporary/travel vis he could qualify for long-term care here in Canada.

Thanks everyone for the assurances that it is not him and I shouldn't let this should disrupt my feelings towards him :(

OP posts:

Nameisthegame · 10/04/2021 22:47

I would stick to men from now on, it could be likely that it could get worse but be sure to make sure he is on the correct medication as it might help. Those saying that she was not in danger are wrong just because he is a frail old man does not mean he could not be dangerous. If he was in the care home I worked in there would have to be a new plan laid out I’ve had old frail men slap me with their junk try and force me to touch them and one women strangle me.

A previously nice old man kicked a pregnant women in the stomach, care homes exist for a reason it is not just because people are too busy to make sure they don’t fall or their a bit confused.

Please take your father to the doctor to discuss his new behavior, I’m sorry you have to go through this.

Original poster

veryupsetaaaa · 10/04/2021 22:47

Oh and I didn't mean to minimise the female student's alarm and discomfort, I was very upset this had happened to her.

OP posts:

Pupster21 · 10/04/2021 22:49

That’s hard OP. Like others have said it’s the dementia changing his behaviour. Could you advertise for just males to sit with him? Or it does sound like a dementia care facility might be best, I know it’s not what you wanted but dementia is a very cruel disease and you will see more behaviour changes.

Original poster

veryupsetaaaa · 10/04/2021 22:50

@Nameisthegame We did visit a general physician last week who checked his prescriptions and slightly increased the dose, and referred him to a geriatric specialist. And you can be sure it's only men alone with him from now on. I would have never left the young woman alone with him if I thought he would do this.

OP posts:

Soontobe60 · 10/04/2021 22:50

Another way of looking at this is that the girl was within reach of your father and him touching her leg was a genuinely innocuous act. Do you think he could have ‘invaded her personal space’ to a point that she was unable to step back? Or do you genuinely think it was a ‘grope’?

Nameisthegame · 10/04/2021 22:51

And as previously stated this is not how your father acts and who you remember him to be it’s a very sad illness, there’s lots of great information online on how to interact with people with dementia. I understand that you would rather he was home with you but sadly it isn’t always possible due to behavior and medical needs.

Original poster

veryupsetaaaa · 10/04/2021 22:53

I have read about the workplace violence caregivers and nurses are exposed to- it was in our local news that a pregnant nurse miscarried after a similar episode described above which was horrifying (although apparently it was also the workplace fault for skimping on safety gear and personnel).
I guess it's just appalling personally when you realise your home is the unsafe workplace and your dad is the patient :(

OP posts:

Nameisthegame · 10/04/2021 22:54

If he’s only recently had a change in medication he might even out a bit. What time do you have sunset as he may be/is sundowning where his behavior gets worse or unsettled at those times.

At the care home we have a book which you write in information like when they have their medication who was there how their day was/slept it will help you see how he is doing. When you have people in to see him you can also put what they say in the book.

Nameisthegame · 10/04/2021 22:56

You should have the important information at the front of the book, emergency contact,his doctor,your information etc incase anyone needs it or you need it. We also kept lists of medication and the dnr

Original poster

veryupsetaaaa · 10/04/2021 22:58

@Nameisthegamethat is interesting as yes he does seem more agitated around sunset and as it gets dark! So we're hoping the new doses will help calm down- we just started yesterday.

Yeah, the professionals mentioned the book and writing down things. Maybe I should try that.

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 3

Swipe left for the next trending thread