tell me how to feel- 82 yr dad living with me creeped on young woman at our house

[veryupsetaaaa]

My 82-yr old widower dad moved in with me+my 2 kids, from a different country, back in Jan. He had been living in our home country with my DB before and DB said I can't do this anymore, if you can't take him in then it's care facility. I can't bear that, our home country is a COVID mess and where I am fortunate enough to live is quite safe. My dad has always been a great, supportive dad, no hint of any misbehaviour or anything other than a loyal and loving husband and father through all these years. I am happy to care for him for as long as I am actually able to.

Anyway, he has some dementia symptoms (forgetfulness, confusion, talking random stuff) and he is on prescription pills to help with mood stabilization and we are on a waitlist to see geriatric specialist/assessment etc.

I work from home which made the whole "dad lives with me" doable, but I do have to go out for errands, work stuff once in a while, I have advertised for students on a local site (university town) and have someone sit with him and keep him company, make sure he doesn't fall over (some mobility issues) and so on (all this is within Public health regulations btw- remote Canadian province). We don't want him alone. So far just by chance I had a male student, and a couple of weeks ago I had a female student, it was her second time with him.

After she left she emailed me saying she wouldn't come anymore, as my dad had "invaded her personal space, placed his hand on her leg and made her really uncomfortable". I have to add my dad is a really frail, mobility-compromised (literally uses a walker, ffs) can barely walk for 10 minutes before needing to sit down. I don't think, and she never said that she was in actually any grave danger.

So I emailed back apologizing and saying of course I wouldn't be calling on her anymore.

I didn't say anything to my dad. What is the use?
The first couple of days I could barely look at him- I don't know if he even noticed any difference or not. I've kinda reverted back to the usual way I interact with him, and I've been reading up on eldercare and dementia but I'm still upset.

Advice , thoughts, insights please?

Anyway, I have a lot of feelings about this that I can't process.
Didn't say anything to my dad.

Do you think he could have ‘invaded her personal space’ to a point that she was unable to step back? Or do you genuinely think it was a ‘grope’?*

Don't turn this into a Victim Blaming accusation but it might be that your Dad felt this young woman invaded HIS ersonal space . Maybe he reached out to push her back from him?

I'd get him checked for a UTi too OP , that can cause confusion .

I know my Grandad got confused with dementia and thought my Mum was his wife , I suppose in his mind he was 40 so the older woman (my Nan) wasn't his wife but the younger woman (my Mum) was ?

@Soontobe60 sadly it wasn't innocuous. From her email: "..then he said he will call me and we can talk and “play” while he came near and touched my thigh. I felt very uncomfortable."

gah I feel like barfing re-reading it. Poor woman, I do feel very bad about it :(

I’m so sorry you are going through this. My grandfather was a wonderful man, gentle, caring and always there as I grew up, there was nothing he wouldn’t do to make me happy!

As dementia took him he began to become inappropriate with me, resting his hand on me knee, stroking my legs, the last time I saw him my grandmother asked him “Who is this?”. He turned to me and said “She has a sexy body”.

I know that my grandfather would have been devastated to know that this is what would happen in his final months, it was not him. The awful disease took pieces away from him bit by bit, but I know who he was, and I will always treasure him.

yes it could well be dementia affecting his behaviour and awareness.
but i wonder if he was trying to stabilise himself, eg in getting up with her nearby, pushing up on her leg maybe.
not sure if you should ask her.
maybe send her a message saying very sorry for the experience, and if she would like to discuss it further please contact you.
as it is a progressive disease, there is usually a need for complete care eventually, with double incontinence and being bed-bound, having to be washed, changed and turned regularly. also spoon feeding is very labourious and tiring. one small yogurt can easily take 45 mins.
this is quite a strain, leaning over a bed.
but you say he will return to home country at that stage.

People with dementia like routine , breakfast/lunch/dinner at set times. Around sunset we try to make sure they are calm and settled with a hot drink nd a show or in bed and settled. If they are to unsettled they have medication.

When people come to sit with them give them a sticker name bade to wear with their name and maybe a title like carer which will help settle him and make them seem more authoritative.

@70isaLimitNotaTarget actually when videocahtting to my siblings he does refer to me as "your mom" to my siblings, we just thought it was funny, I sometimes mix up my younger brother's and son's names too.

Like my sister will ask "so what did you have your dinner" and he'll respond "your mother made a delicious rice dish" or something.

I have been wondering / worrying whether he will be inappropriate towards me, or worse, my DD18. That would actually be awful as she really loves him and spend time chatting with him and making him laugh and so on.

@Nameisthegame thanks for the helpful suggestions!

@alexdgr8 no not by accident- see my message above. And I realise the progression, I just hope he passes before that :(

I am so sorry. Unfortunately, inappropriate sexual behaviour can happen in both sexes with dementia. It's very sad and something we would all dread if we thought about it.

Try to put it to the back of your mind and live day to day. It may never happen again but obviously it wouldn't be a good idea to employ a woman to sit with your father.

I hope he is able to see a suitable medical professional before too long who may be able to help with medication.

You're doing a great job, op, I admire you but you must take care of yourself too.

If you are seriously planning to care for your dad through his dementia (if that is what he has) then you need to train yourself up in what to expect - there are courses available here in the uk but dont know what you would have locally. They cover the practicalities of disinhibition, continence, mobility, sleep patterns, communication and so forth. It helps to go in with eyes wide open.

Not sure if you can view the nhs website I’m happy to post a screen shot otherside but some great information on there especially things like not having shiny things or mirrors as they could be upsetting. www.nhs.uk/conditions/dementia/home-environment/

@Purplewithred I agreed to have home live with us so long as he can do his personal tasks and bathroom/continence, which so far he has bar a couple of minor episodes. Once he is unable to do that, then I just can't.

the disinhibition is new and worrying though.

@Nameisthegame on the website now!

I'm sure I read this exact same post recently. Have you posted this before op?

I remember my lovely grandmother saying really shocking things and flirting wildly with the male nurses in her care home.

Her whole personality changed. It wasn’t her, it was the illnesses.

It must have been very frightening for her, she would have lucid times when she was so ashamed. We do everything we could to reassure her and make her feel calm, safe and loved.

I am so sorry you are going through this, and I am so sorry for your dad. It’s really tough.

dailycaring.com/9-ways-to-handle-alzheimers-and-sexually-inappropriate-behavior/

You can get him a fidget blanket which he may like.

My dad had vascular dementia and he behaved in this way with a number of women he came into contact with (occupational therapist and later care home staff). It is hugely upsetting but please remember it is part of his illness as his brain is damaged. This inappropriateness happened with my dad when he had become withdrawn, quiet and seemed strange for the first time ever but he wasn't in the advanced stages of the disease. Like yours, my dad had been a lovely father, kind and supportive to his children and devoted to my mum and I think that is what made his advances to women so hard to bear. Three years down the line I would suggest getting as much help as you can - for my dad this meant only male carers assisted with showering, ensuring respite etc and I have been glad we had already sorted power of attorney out and would recommend doing this (or equivalent) and understanding that a good care home can be the home most suited to a person with advanced dementia. I imagine your dad, when he was well, would want you to look after yourself and take care not to take on too much responsibility for him. It is exhausting and heartbreaking to do that for years.

@SpacePotato no, not me, but not surprised as I'm hearing of other people also having elderly parents moving in with them rather than care facilities which isn't surprising.

"therapy dolls" oh wow

I’ve nothing useful I can add.

But I sadly know that dementia is a bastard.

I'm so sorry you're going through @veryupsetaaaa. I just wanted add, without sounding like a lunatic, that you should ensure your children aren't left unsupervised with your DD based on his recent behaviours.

I have no advice. But I just wanted to say I'm so sorry that you're going through this. And I'm also so very sorry for your dad. Dementia is a truly terrible thing.

First don't be embarrassed, your dad has no idea the way he is behaving. My mom would get sundown at night and would say some crazy stuff. She said an octopus in her bedroom and thought my children were me and my sisters. My mom started with UTI's and that caused her to be very confused. If you think your DD can handle it you might let her know what is happening or you just might need to be in the room with them. I'm sure you have figured out caring for family all day is very hard mentally.

OP, I'm so sorry this happened but inappropriate sexualised behaviour is an absolutely classic symptom of dementia.

My DDad was the loveliest person, a great Dad and absolutely devoted to my DM. Never any hint of any inappropriate behaviour towards anyone when he was well.

However, as his dementia got worse there were incidents such as asking his female carer for a threesome and developing a massive crush on another resident in his care home which he described in great detail to my DM. Horribly upsetting for my DM but we kept in mind that this wasn't him, it was the dementia causing this behaviour. The damage to the brain destroys the impulse control areas and they end up incapable of knowing what is acceptable behaviour.

I know this is upsetting but please hold on to the knowledge that this is the disease not him. Remember him as he was before this cruel disease took hold.

Unfortunately this is very common. My poor friend stopped visiting her elderly Dad in the end because he became persistently suggestive and kept trying to grope her, including putting his hands down her top.

It's very sad.

I have been wondering / worrying whether he will be inappropriate towards me, or worse, my DD18. That would actually be awful as she really loves him and spend time chatting with him and making him laugh and so on.
OP, I'd probably have a chat with your daughter asap. She is adult enough to understand the situation if laid out clearly to her, but still a child enough to be seriously traumatised if a male close relative made sexual advances towards her.
If he is at the stage when he is confused who's who around him, it is not completely impossible that he had already made attempts, and your daughter just dreads telling you - she probably also understands that you are in a tricky position and doesn't want to make it worse. I am sorry for saying that, but I am speaking from experience (and I have absolutely no ill feelings towards my own elderly "attacker" now, when roughly at your DDs age). The problem here is unless you are prepared for something like that to happen, it could make you question all your childhood. Apologies for being blunt, but the question in her head will be: "is this something he always wanted to do to me?". Unless she processes everything in advance, and starts making an effort of differentiating him from his illness.