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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Left out of Compliments

81 replies

likeamillpond · 10/04/2021 19:15

Something happened today and I just want to make sense of it.
I know it's not important in the grand scheme of things so please don't be too harsh with me.
Ok so I belong to a hobby that's just started back up again. Outside.
We usually meet inside but are doing plein air because of the rule of six.
Yes it's art!
Ok.
So at break time one of the women gave each woman a compliment (looks based). She went round the whole group and gave a compliment, except me.
I was a bit put out but because I'm old enough and ugly enough, I let it wash over me. A case of I like this hobby and I'm not going to let anything spoil it.
However, at the end of the session we all congregated again and the same thing happened. Love you're hair,, you look well, have., you lost weight? Etc etc.
Once again,; No compliments to me.

I'm genuinely curious as to what's going on here.
The one dishing out the compliments did blank me a couple of months before. She didn't approve of my family circumstances at the time
For the record, im happy to give compliments .
I just want to make sense of things.
Why do women do This?

OP posts:
Fnib · 11/04/2021 13:27

It does make me sad when people behave like this.
But I do think she's making herself look really bad. People may not have noticed this time, but they will, if she continues.
You seem to have handled it with good grace Flowers

Bluntness100 · 11/04/2021 13:28

This is extremely odd. Not the missing you, but the going round people giving compliments one by one ans the woman all standing their waiting for their compliment, that’s just odd.

Fembot123 · 11/04/2021 13:29

She sounds deranged 😱 What a pathetic thing to do, I would have said ‘Ahem, and me?’

Fembot123 · 11/04/2021 13:30

@Bluntness100

This is extremely odd. Not the missing you, but the going round people giving compliments one by one ans the woman all standing their waiting for their compliment, that’s just odd.
It is also a very odd practice you are right.
Changingwiththetimes · 11/04/2021 13:32

Yes I'd approach it with a jokey 'oh I don't get a compliment X? And I made such an effort after you left me out last time'. Big smile. And kill her with kindness. After she has said her bit say 'and you are looking lovely too'!
Let her know that you have noticed, but couldn't care less.

Fembot123 · 11/04/2021 13:32

@likeamillpond Even if you aren’t the ‘best looking’ (your words not mine 😄) You obviously have something this little oddball is threatened by.

OldEvilOwl · 11/04/2021 13:33

Agree that she did it twice as she didn't get a reaction the first time. Rude and pathetic, and I'm sure the others will have noticed too. I would laugh in her face, that would piss her off even more

Fembot123 · 11/04/2021 13:35

I wouldn’t be complicit in it if I were one of the group the got the compliments I definitely would have said ‘What about @likeamillpond‘

Roadtohades · 11/04/2021 14:31

The problem is, if she's a powerful queen bee type, the others in the group may be reluctant to challenge her. I've been at the receiving end of this type of behaviour and it isn't pleasant. I left the group and although I still occasionally have to socialise with a couple of the others, who didn't stick up for me when I was being blatantly bullied, I don't think well of them and I will never trust them again.

fluffysocks89 · 11/04/2021 14:35

Start going over the top with compliments to her. Let’s her know you’re aware of her pathetic little game.

Fembot123 · 11/04/2021 14:39

@Roadtohades

The problem is, if she's a powerful queen bee type, the others in the group may be reluctant to challenge her. I've been at the receiving end of this type of behaviour and it isn't pleasant. I left the group and although I still occasionally have to socialise with a couple of the others, who didn't stick up for me when I was being blatantly bullied, I don't think well of them and I will never trust them again.
I literally wouldn’t give a shit, I wouldn’t just stand by and let her do that.
bloodyhell19 · 11/04/2021 14:40

It makes her look like a ridiculous fool & I think if they didn't realise it at the time, the other women will realise that after the fact. However if some bizarre fool started randomly giving me compliments in a group setting like that and obviously leaving one person out I'd do my utmost to avoid her at all costs. Decent people aren't party to tactics like that.

blackhorses · 11/04/2021 14:43

If she does it again I would wait until she has gone all round and say confidently «what a lovely thing to do complimenting all of us - you always think of something lovely to say - so nice to be able to all meet up again isn’t it»

ShadierThanaPalmTree · 11/04/2021 14:52

To specifically think of a compliment about each person and deliberately make a point of leaving you out says far more about her character than your own, op. Don't give this person headspace.

FWIW, women don't engage in this kind of behaviour, girls do.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 11/04/2021 15:01

@Bluntness100

This is extremely odd. Not the missing you, but the going round people giving compliments one by one ans the woman all standing their waiting for their compliment, that’s just odd.
Passive aggressive behaviour very often is.

We're talking about the type of person who really has to think about inventive ways to convey their covert messages, rather than communicating in an adult manner and directly addressing whatever it is that's pissed them off.

That on its own is so emotionally immature and weird behaviour in a fully formed adult.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 11/04/2021 15:02

NB. the kind of people who 'work the room' in this way - watch them in action if you've not come across this before. They are invariably people to avoid.

expectopelargonium · 11/04/2021 15:03

I wouldn't be either wanting or expecting to receive compliments from anyone at my hobby group. Complimenting my work maybe, but not my appearance.

She's weird.

campion · 11/04/2021 15:10

@Ellpellwood

She's trying to create a mini tribe within a tribe and leave you out. You answered your own question a bit in saying you didn't meet her exacting standards. It's a bit like how cliques form at baby groups.
This really. She wants to isolate you so you don't feel part of the group. Presumably, she'd prefer you to leave. Despicable behaviour.

The trouble with the compliments thing is that the other women probably feel flattered and enjoy having their egos boosted, so they're quite unlikely to really notice how you're being excluded.

If you're not 'one of the gang'- and often I'm not so I can imagine the scenario - you're an easier target for such childish behaviour.

curlymom · 11/04/2021 15:37

Ah that would annoy me. I’m guessing you are a stunner and this person very plain. Smile and compliment the others too ( but not her) 😂

TotorosFurryBehind · 11/04/2021 15:51

How rude. She knew what she was doing. I know it's really hard to do this in the moment but if you can, call her out on it by jokily saying where's my compliment?

Sakesman · 11/04/2021 15:56

Might she feel she doesn’t know you as well as the others?

Lampzade · 11/04/2021 16:01

I would completely ignore it
She doesn’t like you and wants you to know this
Frankly, it just make her look petty and ridiculous.
Your indifference will piss her off more than you know

YouJustDoYou · 11/04/2021 16:12

Urgh, what a childish thing, to go round group of adult women paying weird looks based compliments, only.to deliberately leave one out. What a child. Pay her no need op.

Butchyrestingface · 11/04/2021 16:17

My DH's colleague was once at a meeting where everyone was introduced by their qualifications & full name, except her where he just used first name.

Now that WOULD get on my tits.

TwoBreakingIntoOne · 11/04/2021 16:18

I think I'd take the piss
Ooh we've got a love fest going on. Don't you love me too?