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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Left out of Compliments

81 replies

likeamillpond · 10/04/2021 19:15

Something happened today and I just want to make sense of it.
I know it's not important in the grand scheme of things so please don't be too harsh with me.
Ok so I belong to a hobby that's just started back up again. Outside.
We usually meet inside but are doing plein air because of the rule of six.
Yes it's art!
Ok.
So at break time one of the women gave each woman a compliment (looks based). She went round the whole group and gave a compliment, except me.
I was a bit put out but because I'm old enough and ugly enough, I let it wash over me. A case of I like this hobby and I'm not going to let anything spoil it.
However, at the end of the session we all congregated again and the same thing happened. Love you're hair,, you look well, have., you lost weight? Etc etc.
Once again,; No compliments to me.

I'm genuinely curious as to what's going on here.
The one dishing out the compliments did blank me a couple of months before. She didn't approve of my family circumstances at the time
For the record, im happy to give compliments .
I just want to make sense of things.
Why do women do This?

OP posts:
sunnysidegold · 10/04/2021 20:08

This used to happen with an old boss of mine at lunch and break times. She would go round the table and maybe ask about everyone's weekend and then leave me out. She'd give compliments and again leave me out. One time someone noticed and called her out on it. She said it was great I'd lost so much weight but it was a shame I'd lost it in my fave as you would notice wrinkles more easily now. I complained to my husband about her and he said it said more about her than it did about me which helped me deal with it better.

BlueDahlia69 · 10/04/2021 20:08

@lobsterkiller

She knew exactly what she was doing. Let her have her pathetic kicks, it says more about her.

she certainly did, very manipulative and likely believes nobody noticed. Fail.

sunnysidegold · 10/04/2021 20:09

Lost it in my face...not my fave

AliceMcK · 10/04/2021 20:09

@MrsDontDoMuch

I’m really not sure why she’s being called nasty or a bitch? It sounds like she just doesn’t like you. I don’t get why people are offended when this happens. I’d actually prefer it as at least I know where I am with people. This is much better than the vast majority of people who are totally two faced in my opinion.
Because she’s singling one person out. She dosnt need to like the OP but she should not be deliberately singling her out, that is how bullies behave.
MrsDontDoMuch · 10/04/2021 20:14

Yes I agree, it’s just mean to single someone out

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 10/04/2021 20:34

Well isn't She the Queen of Sheba to revolve around the group deciding who gets complements and who doesn't!

She sounds so utterly pompous, who is she to judge your family circumstances? What a Hyacinth Bouquet.
I'd be tempted as she ignores you, pay her a ridiculously fulsome compliment, if there's a little note of insincerity, that's just her imagination.
Laugh it off, snort if you have to, but don't let her stop you enjoying your hobby.

Candyfloss99 · 10/04/2021 20:36

She's not nice but I wouldn't say why do "women" do this. You mean why did she do this to you?

HikeForward · 10/04/2021 20:41

It’s rude of her but maybe she’d run out of compliments by that time? Can you wear a bright or different colour coat/scarf/hat next time to see if she’s missing you out on purpose or if she just couldn’t see anything that you’d changed.

If women have changed their hairstyle/dyed it/lost weight/wear an interesting necklace or stand out piece of clothing giving compliments is much easier.

AccidentallyOnPurpose · 10/04/2021 20:44

At least you know where you stand now. I find it much less hassle when people are like that, I can ignore them much easier.

Much harder to do, if she was nice to your face/the group but a bitch behind your back.

Other people will notice. If they play to her tune.. well they're not a great loss either then.

HikeForward · 10/04/2021 20:45

Or if you’re certain it’s deliberate you could try something cutting to her (that starts off complimentary and ends as sarcasm that’s funny enough to make the others laugh).

Something like ‘your eyebrows and face look fantastic! Have you been using one of those derma-blades they keep advertising, the ones that get rid of peach fuzz?’

Staffy1 · 10/04/2021 20:53

I would say it's because she's nasty.

Nightbear · 10/04/2021 20:57

Shock What an arsehole boss Sunnysideup.

I love the ‘What about me Bertha?’ response. I’m totally stealing that.

Faith50 · 10/04/2021 20:57

It is fine to compliment but not everyone in a group bar one. She is clearly singling you out.

It is not nice behaviour. I am sorry OP.

BusySittingDown · 10/04/2021 21:00

Gah, I bet you're the best looking one - that's why!

How nasty to exclude one person. Try to forget about it.

MatildaTheCat · 10/04/2021 21:02

I hear you.

I attended a small outdoor gathering of a group I am part of last week. All very lovely. The host ( there is a looong backstory which is too outing to post) got her DS to take several photos which I saw. Without being boasty I am fairly photogenic and all but one of these pictures was nice of us all.

You have guessed it. She chose the one picture which I look (honestly) as if I have a genetic condition to post on Facebook. She might have even photoshopped it 🤣.

I’m so used to this that DH and I just laughed but I get that it stings. Ignore. It’s some sort of insecurity. In fact paying endless compliments is also quite insecure. It’s complicated.

mynewusernameisthis · 10/04/2021 21:22

I knew someone like this. It was horrible. Everyone could see through her. But no one ever stuck up for me or called her out on it. They all stayed friends with her, which ultimately meant I couldn't be friends with any of them.

I never called her out on it either. Sometimes I wish I had but I think she would always have managed to make me look like the stupid one.

Sorry she was like this OP. Hold your head up high, be kind and surround yourself with nice people

mumwon · 10/04/2021 21:39

the head of the coven syndrome - take it as a compliment she sees you as competition & is jealous

Mary46 · 10/04/2021 23:12

Not nice. Had this temping. Excluded from lunch chats or she put her lunch at angle with her back to me. Rude. Op you cant like everyone just ignore it. But its mean agree. I used say how wend she said yes or no so I gave up trying!

Talkingmouse · 10/04/2021 23:28

Yes it is deliberate. Try not to obsess about why: it could be about any of 124 reasons that aren’t anything directly to do with the you. She is batshit. Probably deeply insecure and immature.

The best strategy when this happens again is airy indifference. Also, pick out those that you get on best in the group. Corner them and have proper 1-on-1 meaningful conversations. Do this when class ends. Try to avoid you all as a group hanging around talking about the weather allowing Karen the space to do what she does. Create friendships in the class that don’t involve her. Ask your new friends at an appropriate time ‘isn’t Karen...odd?’ They will agree and you can both laugh at her together...

Original poster
likeamillpond · 11/04/2021 07:59

I agree that men can be just as bad.
The 6 in my group were all women, there were men there, but they were in the other group of 6.
As some posters said, she probably doesn't like me. I can live with that.
It just seemed odd that it happened twice.

OP posts:
Original poster
likeamillpond · 11/04/2021 08:03

@BusySittingDown

Gah, I bet you're the best looking one - that's why!

How nasty to exclude one person. Try to forget about it.

I'm going to tell myself that's the reason. Shock

Even though it's not true.

OP posts:
Thebookswereherfriends · 11/04/2021 08:14

Completely bamboozle her by paying her a compliment. Then just carry on.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 11/04/2021 12:48

I'm going to tell myself that's the reason.

I think you can safely comfort yourself with the knowledge that you get up her hooter far more than she does yours. There's a perverse side of my character that loves the idea of rising to this and being soooo sweet, kind and nice, just to piss her off further.

Passive aggression is a form of behaviour I despite, not least because it's cowardly and the person clearly isn't brave enough to state openly what their problem is.

A second source of comfort should be this: it's not you. It's her.

wandawombat · 11/04/2021 12:56

My DH's colleague was once at a meeting where everyone was introduced by their qualifications & full name, except her where he just used first name.

It's game-playing...trying to assert authority or some other weird social one-upmanship.

honeylulu · 11/04/2021 13:26

Ugh. I've had this happen to me a few times. I'm slightly socially awkward and there are some horrible people out there who can't just respond neutrally/ politely but seem to want to "punish" me for it. I have noticed it is mostly women but I've definitely experienced men doing it on at least a couple of occasions.

There has been a range of slights including pointedly saying hello or goodbye by name to each person in the room except me (this even happened in my own house), giving out small gifts to everyone except me, making a big show of handing out paper invitations to ... you get the picture. Oh and even on the dreaded social media, liking or replying to everyone's comments except mine.

Sometimes a mutual friend has called out the person and they do tend to get flustered. One guy said he was making a point because I was "giving him dirty looks". I wasn't! Someone else said I was a weirdo and they wished I wouldn't hang around. Nice hey? These are people who post all that # be kind shite on their pages too.

As other posters have said, more their problem than yours.

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