To have lied to him?

[breadandwine33]

Started talking to someone 6 weeks ago and we have met once for a coffee.
No kissing or anything physical.
I started a job and it was full time,after having anxiety problems for years it was too much.
So luckily found a new job part time and started that.

I didn't really want to explain all this to a stranger and was waiting to tell him after our second date when I knew him better.

Anyway yesterday I got a text
"Why are you lying about working?"
"I have a friend who works there who is a manager and I asked about you and she said you left"

Why you lying?
I said sorry for not telling him I had switched jobs but because we barely knew each other I didn't want to get into things.

I didn't want to explain my struggles by text.
I wasn't lying about working there,I just didn't tell him I left.

We never really speak about work.
Just general questions what time we finish etc

Aibu ?

What did he say to your response?

I would be really wary of him from now on tbh. The accusatory way he put it is a massive red flag so early on.

Just saw your update. You did basically lie by omission then. You could have said at that point oh I've got a new job its going well. And left it at that and discussed something else.

Agree, you certainly don’t need to tell him about any mental health issues, just I’ve changed job moved to x new place.

To be honest if I thought I’d went on a date with someone and they lied like this I’d think it was weird and say something like he did.

The thing is he's friend doesn't even work at the same place.
It's the same company but different location.
So she's actually looked into my details.

I knew he had a friend who worked for the company and as I told my manager the reason for leaving,I didn't want this to happen.

@Dizzy1234

Asking someone why they're lying and actually using the work lying feels quite confrontational to me. He could have said "x said you no longer work there, what happened" After only 6 weeks and one meet up I'd be telling him to mind his own business and walk away. I might be a bit sensitive but I wouldn't appreciate a text like that. You hardly know him and are not answerable to him 💐

I agree with this, he's worded it in a confrontational way before he knows there's anything that needs confronting. If he's asked a friend who works there about you, and they've said you left, he knows you weren't lying initially. I'd be surprised if his follow-up question wasn't to ask when you'd left, I would. Then he'd know it was really recent. He hasn't given you the benefit of the doubt and asked in an honest and open way, he's made it sound like when he dug for a corroborating story things didn't add up and now he wants you to explain yourself. No thanks.

I think I'd be cutting my loses and telling him why. Being accused of lying in such an overdramatic text at such an early stage could be the thin end of a wedge.

Didn’t want what to happen? He’s not said he knows why you left, in fact his message would indicate he has no clue and doesn’t understand why you’re lying and pretending to still work there.

Ditch him! He has a friend looking you up on the company intranet after 6 weeks and one date.
I like to keep my private/work life separate and would be raging if someone dragged my private life into work like that.
Imagine you still worked there and his friend was reporting back anything on the system about you.
Would you get a text "Why did you lie to me and not tell me a new person joined your team?"
You moved jobs, it's allowed.

I just feel like it's a invasion of privacy.
I didn't want to tell him I left as he would have asked loads of questions about why etc
I didn't want to get into my anxiety by text when I don't even really know him.

Based on your updates I’d cut this one loose. Getting a friend to look you up at work is out of order. I’d also be complaining to your previous manager

So she's actually looked into my details. At least part of any response you make to him as to be along the lines of she better learn more about confidentiality and GDPR if she wants to keep her job.

Also that that kind of stunt is why you haven't told him your entire life history, just as he hasn't told you his. It's called 'getting to know each other' - and he just blew that, big style!

I'd find his having checked up on you and his accusatory tone to be very offputting.

@breadandwine33

I just feel like it's a invasion of privacy. I didn't want to tell him I left as he would have asked loads of questions about why etc I didn't want to get into my anxiety by text when I don't even really know him.

This is telling.

For whatever reason there has been something in his behaviour over the 6 weeks that made you think he would "ask lots of questions" and so you didn't feel comfortable bringing it up.

Walk away.

You just say I fancied a change, loving this new job. And leave it there. People change job all the time.

I’m not sure I’d classify it as an invasion of privacy , the person prob looked up you’re email addrsss and saw you’d left. 99.9 percent of people would do the same and be concerned for a friend if they went on a date with a man or woman who was lying about where they worked. I don’t think there’s a confidentiality thing about not working someplace and they didn’t say, or even know, why you’d quit.

It would be very different if work didn’t come up in convo, but that’s not the case, you actively pretended to still be working there. Cor most people op that would be a red flag.

I do think it's odd that you didn't tell him. It didn't need to be a big thing. "How's work?" "Yeah I've started a new job and it's going well. How are you?". I would think it strange if I mentioned to a friend that a guy I was talking to worked at the same place as her and she said that he didn't work there. That would be a red flag for me.

When we first me he was asking what school I went too and then his friend was viewing my Instagram and Facebook story
It was just too much and then this.

I probably should have told him but I was having a bad time and didn't want to get all the questions thrown at me.

@Jumpers268 that's fair enough if his friend worked in same building etc but she didn't.
She only knew I left after looking me up on the computer or asking my team leader if they knew me.

If he’s too full on and inquisitive it wasn’t going to work anyway, and there was no reason at all to tell him you are struggling. All you needed to do was say you’d moved job as you fancied this new one and get more free time, and not lie to him pretending you were still there.

I think it’s over snd it doesn’t work. He’s too full on and clearly he’s now concerned about your honesty, so just block and dump. It’s over anyway.

@breadandwine33

It was more a case of him saying "How's work" And me replying I just didn't want him to think I was flakey

Well you have been lying then, it wasn’t a case of you not updating him you actually pretended you worked somewhere when you didn’t. I am baffled as to why you think it is flakey to change a job and couldn’t just tell him.

I would also be a bit disturbed if somebody pretended to work somewhere where they did not (or used to work) and I would distrust you. I wouldn’t be as confrontational as he was though, saying “why are you lying” is pretty aggressive, I would have asked about it though.

I think best thing to do is knock this one on the head and be more honest going forward.

I have bad anxiety too and have had issues with work. I get why you would worry about telling him the full story, wanting him to get to know you, not the anxiety (not that you've done anything wrong).

I understand why he has asked but not why he has phrased it in such an accusatory way and why his friend did so much digging if you didn't even work together. Sounds like she's checked your HR records or at least spoken to your old team.

I would remind him you've met once hence not giving him your full employment details and say that you've changed jobs after you had met as the last one wasn't working out for personal or health related reasons. You could say you have worked throughout the time you knew each other but didn't want to go into the minutiae of your personal business with someone so new to you, however would have discussed things in due course.

I wouldn't be shy to let him know he has overstepped here and don't agree that you've lied by omission. It's not like you have lied about working, or been sacked for theft or anything. It sounds like the full time job was quite new anyway and he only really flagged where you worked as he had a friend there, the organisation wasn't a huge part of your life, it was just a job that didnt work out.

He seems too into his cyberstalking to me and I don't like that he got confrontational. But you want to find someone who likes you for you so if you change jobs you can just tell them and not worry about feeling judged. If they judge you they aren't the one for you.

Ah so you've felt he was "nosy" before this anyway, and you felt like he was too much? In that case, just call it a day. You don't have to feel bad about that!

I agree with @Jumpers268 if you didn't like his approach before all this just move on. In fact I'd just move on anyway.

It sounds to me that you aren't ready for a relationship just yet.

I have been a long time married and met DH way before OLD, but I know that if I had just started seeing someone I would be looking at their online presence on social media. Doesn't everyone?

On the face of it, not saying that you were no longer working in your first job does look like you are lying by omission, and maybe the guy thought "I wonder what else she is lying about". That said, he went about it the wrong way.

I only left on the 24th March so it's only been a couple of weeks.
I know I'm probably to blame here

OP, I don't think you are to blame. After 6 weeks of chat and one coffee, your switch in jobs is just something I would mention at the next date if we didnt discuss work in much depth. As in, 'a couple of weeks ago I moved over to XYX company, same sort of role. It's going really well so far'.

What if his friend had got your name wrong or you were on secondment or something at the new place? Saying 'why are you lying?' was not pleasant.

"I didn't lie. I just didn't discuss my decision to change jobs. Are you always so aggressively confrontational?"