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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I A Bad Husband?

78 replies

Choccy21 · 09/04/2021 19:32

Honest question, do I sound like a bad husband? Basically I keep changing jobs, well every few years anyway. When I met DW 14 years ago I was in the Army. So the first few years of our relationship I used to go away a fair amount. After getting married I left and went to work as a police officer.However, after 6 months I left, not really giving it a good enough go.
I then had several other jobs in the last 10 years, truck driver and security guard jobs to name a few. Then 5 years ago, I joined a local distribution company as a driver, good hours and I was only 5 mins away from my house .
Then covid struck, I was on furlough and was unsure how things would go. So in April last year, I applied to the Police again and started in November. It’s a secure job and good pension, but I know it’s not really for me deep down.
I thought joining a second time would be different. However, the job can be dangerous, abuse, lots risk of assaults and I have to commute over an hour to get to work.Sometimes it can take me an hour and a half.
Factor this in with working Christmas, missing birthdays, missing key family events. The job takes a lot out of a family life. I have two young boys.
So basically I miss my local job, no travelling time and they are still operating, despite the rumours that they were looking to relocate. So I looked for a new job as I was scared of being made redundant.
DW is annoyed and says I’m selfish to want to change jobs again. In my defence, I’ve never left a job without one to go to.
I’ve even drafted an email to my old boss asking for my old job back, but not sure DW will let me do it. She said she’s fed up of me not sticking to a job long term. As I said, I did my last job for 5 years before covid changed the world.
Do I just carry on and hope I like the job or try and get my own job back that will make me happy?

OP posts:

SnarkyBag · 09/04/2021 19:36

Whilst I can see her frustration if you were at your last job for five years and you think they will take you back I think you should go for it.
Being in the police isn’t really the type of job you can just suck up and get on with if you really hate it.

SummerHouse · 09/04/2021 19:39

A partner should want you to be happy. It's not like you are sitting on your arse. Good luck to you and hope you get the job you want. Policing can be hell on earth. No pension will make up for what it costs your mental health.

toiletbrushholder · 09/04/2021 19:40

Are your issues really about the jobs or something deeper seated? On the other hand 5 years in a job is pretty good. Is the police better paid? Can you stick it out and work your way up? Being in a job that makes you miserable isn't going to make anyone happy.

BillywigSting · 09/04/2021 19:43

I don't think you sound terrible at all.

If you're not happy in a job that takes so much away from family life it's making you miserable I don't think it's unreasonable to try and get your old job back at all.

AnyFucker · 09/04/2021 19:47

You clearly have a good work ethic and you say you don’t leave one job before you go to another so I don’t see the problem

Mind you, my H is a self employed subcontractor so I am used to things changing regularly. I hardly know where he is working from one week to the next sometimes.

Garlia · 09/04/2021 20:09

Is this a reverse?

Notimeforaname · 09/04/2021 20:13

Thought it was a reverse myself....

Notimeforaname · 09/04/2021 20:15

But no I dont think you are a horrible husband.
It would be annoying but as you've always had a new job to go to and paid your way, you've done nothing wrong.

I agree you cannot work in somthing like the police if your heart isn't in it. Go for the job you want.

ClareWilsonNS · 09/04/2021 20:18

It does sound like you have changed jobs more frequently than average in the past...BUT, you say you were in your previous job 5 years before this one, which seems reasonable. Now you dislike your current job because of abuse, risk of assault, missing important family occasions....I think it is very very unreasonable to ask someone to stay in a job like that if they are unhappy. So I would say, change to another job guilt-free - but try to make sure it is one you can stick with.

Emeraldshamrock · 09/04/2021 20:18

It is unsettling too, there doesn't sound like much job security in the distribution centres whereas police is a job for life.

Boho7 · 09/04/2021 20:20

Get your job back. Be happy 🙂

Original poster

Choccy21 · 09/04/2021 20:20

I’m not sure why I have a things with changing jobs... I suppose I always thought the grass was greener. I’ve never been someone that can just get a job and do it forever like some people do.
Yes the police can be a great career and money can be good after a few years.
I took a five grand a year pay rise to do it, but when I look at my 2- 3 hours a day commute, fuel costs and missing out on family time occasions, it does make me think.
DW made the point that whilst I was on a residential training course, she was home looking after our boys. So I do see it from her point of view.

OP posts:

BIWI · 09/04/2021 20:21

Is your wife working?

plominoagain · 09/04/2021 20:23

Speaking as a twenty seven year serving police officer , I'd say leave . If your heart's not in it now , it's certainly not going to get any better . There's no disgrace in it . Plenty of people join and then leave in the first three years when they realise how all encompassing it is , and how many times it means missing out on family events . I have to book my annual leave a year to 18 months in advance , and I've had one Christmas off in 14 years - and that was because I was self isolating!

As a wife , I'd say if you're going to do it , have something to go to. After my DJ retired and did other jobs , it took him a while to settle and I well remember that feeling of despair that yet again I was having to work virtually every day to fill the financial hole . Quite apart from the lack of pension you'll have .

Original poster

Choccy21 · 09/04/2021 20:25

**Is this a reverse?

Sorry, what do you mean?

OP posts:

SummerHouse · 09/04/2021 20:27

A reverse is where the OP writes the scenario from the other perspective. I.e. you would actually be the wife.

Original poster

Choccy21 · 09/04/2021 20:27

DW does work, she works for a large supermarket chain. Shes currently on mat leave after DS 2 was born.

OP posts:

Original poster

Choccy21 · 09/04/2021 20:30

**A reverse is where the OP writes the scenario from the other perspective. I.e. you would actually be the wife.

I see. No not a reverse!

OP posts:

TheCanyon · 09/04/2021 20:31

Absolutely email the old job, you stuck it out 5 years before, you can do it again.

I'm a very firm believer in not doing a job you hate, life's far too short to spend half of it miserable as fuck. Degree in astrophysics but cleaning toilets make you happy, crack on with the bogs!!!

Fwiw my husband is a tradesman, when our twins were born 10 weeks early he had to be off work for 7 weeks due to scbu. He then joined a local hotel as a painter/maintenance man on half the wage. He's majorly pissed off with them and when the day comes he decides to leave, I'll give him a mighty high five.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 09/04/2021 20:33

How does it affect her negatively? Eg does your income fluctuate so much that it makes budgeting tricky? Does she have to keep rearranging her work around yours and then it keeps changing which makes her job a bit harder? Is it causing childcare issues?

Think I'd need to understand this because changing jobs in itself doesn't make you a bad husband though I guess any time you are less than two years somewhere it makes you at higher risk of redundancy.

I guess as well it's about how much you consult her before changing. For example I wouldnt be that happy if my husband took a job that meant I had to commit to be in every evening because he was working then, or caused me to have a lot more childcare to do because of travel or a long commute, without discussing it with me first and us both agreeing.

Fluffycloudland77 · 09/04/2021 20:36

I’ll be honest it would unsettle me a lot. Can you transfer to a station nearer to you or aim to do some sort of desk job like training or compliance .

My in-law was police and I can see your point about abuse. You are dealing with the underclass in this country in that job.

If anyone wants to say I’m snobby saying that you’ve never met the underclass & you're very lucky.

Magnificentmug12 · 09/04/2021 20:38

I think as long as you are always in a job it’s ok but can see how it must be stressful for your partner as it’s not offering security, because you just change your mind all the time....so swings and roundabouts, I wouldn’t be over the moon about it but I don’t think I would care as long as you was still providing your financial half (or whole if she is a Sahm)

Aquamarine1029 · 09/04/2021 20:40

What about the rest of your marriage? Do you do your fair share at home? I'm thinking it's possible your wife's frustration may be rooted in more than just your work history.

Original poster

Choccy21 · 09/04/2021 20:40

Childcare is a valid point. I used to have every Wednesday off and Sunday was our family day. DW works four days a week, so me being off on a Wednesday meant I would look after the children. My hours meant I was down by 7pm every day too.
At the moment my shifts are on a rota, so it’s all sorts of times.

OP posts:

CupcakesK · 09/04/2021 20:41

I think you need to discuss your situation in depth with your wife to find out her concerns. Maybe she wants to plan further into the future - save for something, think about pensions etc. That’s quite hard if you don’t know where and when your husband is going to change jobs. Maybe it’s putting pressure on her to remain in her current job/sahm because someone needs to be available for the kids.

You don’t sound like a bad husband, but I can understand how frustrating this must be for her. She most likely wants to see you happy and changing jobs a lot suggests you haven’t been

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