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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I A Bad Husband?

78 replies

Choccy21 · 09/04/2021 19:32

Honest question, do I sound like a bad husband? Basically I keep changing jobs, well every few years anyway. When I met DW 14 years ago I was in the Army. So the first few years of our relationship I used to go away a fair amount. After getting married I left and went to work as a police officer.However, after 6 months I left, not really giving it a good enough go.
I then had several other jobs in the last 10 years, truck driver and security guard jobs to name a few. Then 5 years ago, I joined a local distribution company as a driver, good hours and I was only 5 mins away from my house .
Then covid struck, I was on furlough and was unsure how things would go. So in April last year, I applied to the Police again and started in November. It’s a secure job and good pension, but I know it’s not really for me deep down.
I thought joining a second time would be different. However, the job can be dangerous, abuse, lots risk of assaults and I have to commute over an hour to get to work.Sometimes it can take me an hour and a half.
Factor this in with working Christmas, missing birthdays, missing key family events. The job takes a lot out of a family life. I have two young boys.
So basically I miss my local job, no travelling time and they are still operating, despite the rumours that they were looking to relocate. So I looked for a new job as I was scared of being made redundant.
DW is annoyed and says I’m selfish to want to change jobs again. In my defence, I’ve never left a job without one to go to.
I’ve even drafted an email to my old boss asking for my old job back, but not sure DW will let me do it. She said she’s fed up of me not sticking to a job long term. As I said, I did my last job for 5 years before covid changed the world.
Do I just carry on and hope I like the job or try and get my own job back that will make me happy?

OP posts:

Outofplacetoday · 09/04/2021 20:41

It might not be worth giving up on the police just yet.

Are you doing a pcda course or are you just on the old 2 year probation as a new officer?

There are so many different roles within the police, not all of it is response work.

Maybe have a chat with your supervision and see what options you have to get a feel for other roles in your force.

Brefugee · 09/04/2021 20:42

I'd be flipping fed up with you. She's on maternity leave so what it would come down to for me is how secure is the job you want to go back to? does it pay more or the same as the police?

Frankly? knowing what the police is you were rather daft to join, and they've now paid for your training and uniform for nothing.

Original poster

Choccy21 · 09/04/2021 20:43

Transferring to another station not an option, my station is 30 miles and we in a coastal town in the south. My force is actually a different county to the one I live in ( my county force wasn’t recruiting at the time).

OP posts:

denverRegina · 09/04/2021 20:44

It's not a job you can or should be doing if it isn't for you. It's extremely unfair of your wife to put that on you.

April last year was a very uncertain time and it's understandable why you just applied for something more seemingly secure again.

Have a serious think about what job exactly you want to do. You have a lot going for you, plenty of transferable skills and you're very employable. This time choose something because it works for you and your circumstances.

Do not continue in the police if you can't cope with it but obviously stick it out until you've got something properly suitable lined up.

What do you want to do?

denverRegina · 09/04/2021 20:47

"I’ve even drafted an email to my old boss asking for my old job back, but not sure DW will let me do it. She said she’s fed up of me not sticking to a job long term. As I said, I did my last job for 5 years before covid changed the world."

That's just awful. She doesn't get to "let" you do anything.

Chillychangchoo · 09/04/2021 20:48

No you’re not a bad husband. You’ve never left a job without another to go too, so I presume your financial responsibilities have been upheld.

I change jobs lots too but my husband doesn’t think I’m a bad wife.

LolaSmiles · 09/04/2021 20:53

You're not a bad husband, but I can also understand her frustration at regular upheaval in terms of changing hours, changing pay and so on. Maybe she's concerned that she is on maternity leave with a baby and her husband is wanting to change jobs again, and it's part of an ongoing pattern of never being content.

Both people have to be happy in a relationship, but things like moving jobs affect the family unit so it makes sense that there's open discussion between both people. If you're unhappy with the police then it's probably not right for you long term, but my gut instinct is that you might want to reflect on what you do want otherwise you're chasing the impossible and expecting your wife to go along for the ride when the next job isn't right, and the one after, and so on.

MrsTerryPratchett · 09/04/2021 20:55

@Choccy21

Childcare is a valid point. I used to have every Wednesday off and Sunday was our family day. DW works four days a week, so me being off on a Wednesday meant I would look after the children. My hours meant I was down by 7pm every day too. At the moment my shifts are on a rota, so it’s all sorts of times.

And in order to sort out this gap in childcare caused by you, you did...?

Original poster

Choccy21 · 09/04/2021 20:57

**I'd be flipping fed up with you. She's on maternity leave so what it would come down to for me is how secure is the job you want to go back to? does it pay more or the same as the police?

Frankly? knowing what the police is you were rather daft to join, and they've now paid for your training and uniform for nothing.

That’s a fair point. The police wage is higher, but I do have higher fuel costs and travels travel times. It’s not always possible to be posted to your nearest station.You are correct, I should know what the job involves before doing it.

OP posts:

justamushypea · 09/04/2021 20:58

@denverRegina

That's just awful. She doesn't get to "let" you do anything.

Agree. It's not for her to 'let you'. You are an adult! This sounds very controlling Fair enough tell her and discuss it but it's your decision.

toocold54 · 09/04/2021 21:13

No not at all. Too many people are stuck in jobs they hate and are too frightened to leave. You will work for the majority of your life so you may as well find one you like.

She may be worried that you have no job security or that you’re not building up a good pension for retirement.

toocold54 · 09/04/2021 21:14

I wouldn’t go back to the police if you’ve already tried it and disliked it though. What about something like a prison officer so it is similar and you can use your training for it.

Clydesider · 09/04/2021 21:20

All that chopping & changing would make me feel quite anxious and unsettled, so your frequent changes of mind would leave me feeling quite insecure.

Yes, being happy in a job is important, but I think there comes a time when you need to knuckle down and get on with it when you have a young family to support.

AnnaFiveTowns · 09/04/2021 21:24

No, you' re not a bad husband at all. Nobody should stick at a job they dont like especially if there's an alternative.

You sound a bit like me. Do you have ADHD?

Shoxfordian · 09/04/2021 21:24

I don’t think you’re a bad husband but what do you want from a job? Maybe it’s ok to have one that just pays the bills and lets you spend time with the family- probably not the police admittedly. You’re really lucky to be fulfilled at work, it might be enough to find your happiness somewhere else in your life

User5747384 · 09/04/2021 21:30

No you aren't a bad husband.
I think your wife is being unfair, no one should stay in a job they are unhappy with.
Get your old job back.

TheMotherlode · 09/04/2021 21:31

I don’t think it makes you a ‘bad husband’, but I would be frustrated if my husband didn’t seem to have a clear career plan and was jumping from one thing to the next. It’s the lack of stability that would concern me.

Ponoka7 · 09/04/2021 21:31

It depends on if she's stuck in her job and hours because she can't plan a change because you get to do what you want. What discussions took place before she got pregnant and have you now changed the goalposts again? Are you properly co-parenting and sorting out childcare while all this is going on?

Regularsizedrudy · 09/04/2021 21:32

Surely you knew what you were getting into with you rejoined the police? I would find your inability to see any through incredibly annoying. But if you’ve always been like this then arguably she also knew what she was getting into when she had another baby with you!

MiddleClassProblem · 09/04/2021 21:35

Did you only leave the army for her or were there other reasons?

I think before you quite anything and go to somewhere else you should really look at what you have enjoyed in the jobs you have done but also things you enjoy in other aspects of your life to. It might be that what you want to do is something you haven’t considered yet.

sistersnottwins · 09/04/2021 21:41

I would be feeling anxious about financial security if I was married to you. Every time you change jobs you are resetting the clock in length of service, accrued employment rights, redundancy pay etc. I assume this chopping and changing will impact your pension too.
Someone I know is married to someone who changes jobs a lot and it has impacted them massively. They can't move house because of poor credit and are in persistent debt.

I don't think you're a bad husband and your wife shouldn't stop you from going back to your old job but if you make the move you really need to stick it out.

wanderbug · 09/04/2021 21:41

How many of those job changes have involved your wife having to also make changes?

I can see why she'd be pissed off if she's taken up the slack (twice?) to enable you to go away on courses/training and then you've decided to jack it in anyway. And if she's the one left having to find childcare and call in favours to work around your shifts/rotas, I imagine that would also be incredibly annoying.

It's fine to want to move to something that will make you happier, but not if it's at the expense of the other 3 members of the family.

Hhusky · 09/04/2021 21:44

I don't think you sound terrible. My husband is ex army too and he found it very difficult finding something after that. He's now self employed and loves it.
You're not sitting around doing nothing. You're finding work and providing for your family. That's not terrible at all. Just be completely honest with her about why you want to leave. She will come to understand.

GoWalkabout · 09/04/2021 21:50

How did you feel about leaving your military career? Did you do resettlement? Did you miss the structure or the variety? Did you experience any trauma or have any ptsd. A lot of veterans struggle with civvie Street. Time to look a bit mo re long term and think about why you keep moving.

Skysblue · 09/04/2021 21:56

OP is your wife sick of you changing jobs, or is she sick of you talking about whether to change jobs, and of the conversations being mostly about you and your needs? I ask because it can be exhausting helping someone debate and explore options, come to a decision, then throw it all in the bin and start again. My brother was in the army, he spent 5 years debating whether to leave and when he finally did I thought that was the end of those conversations 🤣 but still years on every conversation is still all about him and whether he’s in the right career. He’s completely disinterested in my job though and shuts down anything I talk about with something like “Who knows? Anyway...” This is annoying and even more so for his wife!

If you can get a local safe job instead of an unsafe job with 2-3 hrs a day commuting, that’s worth the pay cut for sure. So definitely ask your old boss if you can have your old job back and look out for other locak opportunities. But maybe don’t talk about it to your wife in any great detail, just make the enquiries on your own, and when you’ve come to a decision, ask her if it’s a problem and explain your plan and how it will be good news re childcare etc.

She may also be worried about future financial security, police have lots of promotion opportunities in a way that being a driver perhaps doesn’t, but I don’t know much about either. So if you go for a local job try to find one with some kind of possible pay rise in future if you can...

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