Am I A Bad Husband?

[Choccy21]

Honest question, do I sound like a bad husband? Basically I keep changing jobs, well every few years anyway. When I met DW 14 years ago I was in the Army. So the first few years of our relationship I used to go away a fair amount. After getting married I left and went to work as a police officer.However, after 6 months I left, not really giving it a good enough go.
I then had several other jobs in the last 10 years, truck driver and security guard jobs to name a few. Then 5 years ago, I joined a local distribution company as a driver, good hours and I was only 5 mins away from my house .
Then covid struck, I was on furlough and was unsure how things would go. So in April last year, I applied to the Police again and started in November. It’s a secure job and good pension, but I know it’s not really for me deep down.
I thought joining a second time would be different. However, the job can be dangerous, abuse, lots risk of assaults and I have to commute over an hour to get to work.Sometimes it can take me an hour and a half.
Factor this in with working Christmas, missing birthdays, missing key family events. The job takes a lot out of a family life. I have two young boys.
So basically I miss my local job, no travelling time and they are still operating, despite the rumours that they were looking to relocate. So I looked for a new job as I was scared of being made redundant.
DW is annoyed and says I’m selfish to want to change jobs again. In my defence, I’ve never left a job without one to go to.
I’ve even drafted an email to my old boss asking for my old job back, but not sure DW will let me do it. She said she’s fed up of me not sticking to a job long term. As I said, I did my last job for 5 years before covid changed the world.
Do I just carry on and hope I like the job or try and get my own job back that will make me happy?

I left the Army after 8 years, more so for my wife, but it was my decision to leave to spend time with her.
I think DW is sick of talking about my jobs let alone me changing it.
Again, I was quite worried in April last year when covid really kicked in , and we didn’t know DW was expecting child number 2 back then. Hence why I applied to change jobs.
I worked at a distribution centre that delivers to supermarkets, promotion and management positions do come up, now and then.

Personally I am on your wife’s side. I would be fuming if I had a husband who kept job-hopping as much as you. It just doesn’t scream stability, which is what you need with a young family. It’s also quite indicative of the sort of person you are, that doesn’t know what they want and can’t make anything work for them, and I would hate to be married to someone like that. Why go back to the police when you knew exactly what it would be like from doing it the first time?! I am going to go against the grain here and say I feel you should stick to something for the sake of your family. Clearly your wife has supported your constant changes over the years and you owe her some stability now. I also think you need to work out why exactly it is that you are always looking to change jobs. Clearly there’s some issues that need working through.

So you clearly left a job that you loved. I think you need to really analyse what you loved in that job.

There is a chance that you may find some of that in the police if you give it time but if not, really think about what it is you are missing before you make your next move.

OP don’t listen to the previous poster.
She’s being very melodramatic spouting crap such as “the sort of person you are” what? because you get a bit restless in jobs and you like to move around to see what suits you best etc?

So you’ve been indecisive and changed your mind a few times? So what? Doesn’t make you a bad person? Perhaps it makes you a person who refuses to settle for second best, or who refuses to spend the rest of his days being unhappy in jobs that suck the soul out of you.

Gosh, I change jobs a lot and I probably always will. I guess it’s a part of my nature. It doesn’t mean I’m not committed to my husband or kids. I’ve been with my husband for over two decades.

You’re not leaving one job without another so I presume you are paying your way. Yes you have to consider your wife in childcare arrangements but other than that it really is your business.

You’re not a bad husband but coming on to mumsnet probably isn’t advisable. Half of the poor bastards who are married to mumsnet users will be down trodden, hen pecked and bloody miserable!

Don’t be like that.

"What about something like a prison officer so it is similar and you can use your training for it."

Completely ignore this "advice". The OP does not want to be abused, assaulted, work shifts 365 days a year. If he did he'd continue with the police.

As for "sort of person you are" He's changing jobs, not robbing fucking banks. Get a grip.

Yes, being happy in a job is important, but I think there comes a time when you need to knuckle down and get on with it when you have a young family to support.

Absolutely. I was the main breadwinner for years and while it is important to be happy at work, sometimes you have to suck it up for the sake of your family. It is only a few years, then things get easier.

OP in your shoes I'd send the letter to your old boss and hopefully you'll get your old job back. But you can't just chop and change your job on your decision alone, it's a family decision. I'm going to take a leap and assume that your wife being on ML was a joint family decision, so your work should also be a family decision.

Good luck

I wouldn't like being your wife. How would you feel if she changed jobs and expected you to do all the childcare, including residential courses? Oh but she would have one family day a week, so that would be fine, right?

The police force needs committed officers,the dangerous situations faced daily means you've got to rely 100% on your partner backing you up.Some classes need investigating that go above and beyond and you need real determination to keep at it,to want to see justice.you need strength when all your hard work comes to nothing due to nonsensical courts.you have to accept you go to work every day knowing there's a chance you won't be home for another twenty hours if something goes wrong.and you will miss out on Christmas and New year.there are,equally,many plus sides.
But if the above fills you with dismay not determination,then get your old job back and leave.
Do what is right for you,as if you are unhappy in a very challenging job it will break you.
Explain how you feel to your wife and promise as far as you can,this new(old)job is your last job for the foreseeable.
Good luck

Cases not classes

I'm a pragmatist. Have done jobs I hated for a few years to get the one I actually wanted.

I can understand why you hate working for the police - I would. However, you can get some amazing transferable skills, go on to specialize in a particular area of interest if you stay in the police, get an amazing pension and after a period of time look to transfer to another force. New careers are also at their worst in the first few years. Is there anyway of moving your family closer to your new role?

If I were your wife then yeah I would be pulling my hair out, but you are a team and when one member is struggling you work as a unit to make it better. At the moment though, it sounds like you are both dealing with stressful situations - new baby and new job. Try to sit-down with a nice meal or take away, have a date night and discuss both your situations calmly. Hope it gets better x

I’ve changed every 2 years, but I’ve kept in the same industry and progressed my career (salary), I think seemingly random moves and maybe no structure are red flags to her? No point being miserable to prove a point, maybe go back and see if you can stick for a couple more years then try to build a career in that area.

Do you just not like working?I say this because I realised a few years ago I'm like this and will never truly be happy in any job.I have to keep a check on myself and stick with my job as I know I won't be any happier if I leave for another one.The police has excellent opportunities/pay/pensions and such a good career compared to the distribution job.Can you give yourself 3 years then see if its got better?Look for the positives instead of the negatives in your role.

Are you still within your first two years OP? Honestly within the police there are so many different roles, ones that can be child friendly.
I’ve been in for 12 years and I’ve done a lot of different roles, honestly I hated it when I first joined and nearly quit a lot of times. But I’ve stuck it out... the maternity package is good, pension good. And there are roles out there that are M-f, I’ve been m-f for about 5 years now.... and it works for us.

I think you just need to think a bit more long term, it does get better if you find the right role within the job......

Have you had the conversation about whether this is just the job changes?
Someone above already mentioned the constant talk about changes.
But what about other things in life? Is this just the tidal point but you’re also not sticking at commitments generally?

As a wife whos spent the past 10+ years helping my husband get the next job, budgeting to live within our means with the "new salary", and had to plan for these new schedules in new jobs, I'd say its an absolute ballache and creates a huge amount of feelings of instability, but also as a wife I'd be telling my husband, whilst I don't like these continual changes, and I want stability, your happiness is something that we need to follow. Please, consider the longevity of this move, and how you feel about this job. If you stayed there for 5 years I assume you really enjoyed it, if you can go back then do it. Maybe you need to explain to her why its a good idea from your POV.

FWIW I wouldn't want my husband being a police officer. I'd be relieved if he wanted a safer job. I appreciate the police for all they do, but I do not envy the shit they have to deal with and I don't think I would ever not worry about them whilst they're at work.

My husband has had 4 different jobs in the last 7 years! It never occurred to me that there might be anything wrong with that. I was happy for him each time he spotted an opportunity and then got a job he wanted.

If you’ve always had a job and always been bringing money into the family I don’t see why she would be annoyed at the multiple change of jobs.
Some people just struggle to find the right thing. I would be annoyed if you constantly complained about your job situation though and it was a constant topic of conversation. There’s an element of it getting to the point where you should just pick something and stick at it.

Is it the changing jobs or the changing hours and the impact that has on childcare, family time and her work? Because swapping from one job to another with the same hours wouldn't bother me but if you're changing childcare patterns and requirements again that would annoy me.

It would annoy me tbh. It sounds like you think the grass is always greener and there are a lot of fluctuations in income which can be stressful. It also means you've never had the chance to progress in a role.

Whatever you decide to do next I would think carefully and rationally about it so you're not changing your mind 6 months later.

A lot of employers look for loyalty and a history of job hopping on your CV Can work against you if you want to apply for a good stable job.

I would get out of the police. If you don't love it.

The shifts, missing all the important family things. The tiredness, the way it takes over your life and becomes more important than your family.

It caused my husband and I to divorce. I got sick of it coming first, him always being in bed and me always being by myself every weekend with the kids.

Thanks for your replies... even some hard truths. To be honest I’ve always had a problem with sticking to things, 8 years is the longest job I’ve had. Followed by my last job of 5 years. I’ve always thought the grass is greener....
I did email my olds boss this morning and he just replied saying he’d get in touch on Monday, after speaking to another manager.
They still require staff and no one on the shop floor was made redundant either. The distribution job is a large supermarket so relatively secure I’d assume.
The Police is a good job for the right person, pay progression and a pension. The flip side is missing Xmas/ new year/ birthdays. So pros and cons from that perspective.
For me having a job I can walk to, less risk of assault, injury , depression out weighs it.
I respect anyone who can do that kind of job long term.

I don’t think you are a bad husband as such but I have been in your wife’s shoes for a period of time. It was beyond frustrating and anxiety inducing. The (what felt like) constant flip flop of hours, uncovered childcare falling to me because of the changing of hours and schedules, having to take annual leave for training days etc just for him to start the job, then cancelling plans because situations had changed really put a burden on me. Then the final straw was when there was the perfect job advertised and he wouldn’t apply because it was only 95% what he wanted, not 100%. I lost my shit and the rest is history,

I understand the restless feeling I really do but sometimes you’ve got to suck it up. Especially in such an unpredictable world such as this one right now. You need to reassure your wife. You need to sit down together and do a pros/cons list and you have to try and convince her that you will stick to the next one and make sure that you do.

As for applying for the police, surely you knew what was involved before you applied?

The Police is a good job for the right person, pay progression and a pension. The flip side is missing Xmas/ new year/ birthdays. So pros and cons from that perspective.

how sure are you that the distribution centre won't want you doing this in future? will it be exactly the same job as before? I had an office based job, not accounting or sales and yet month end and the 5 days either side was an absolute no-no for holidays, and ends of quarter and end of year were a nightmare. I missed a lot of birthdays etc. They are not that important in the grand scheme of things compared to being on ML and worrying about what stunt you're going to pull next.

For us it was agreed that when i was on ML no matter how stressful DHs job got, there was an end in sight when I went back to work and for that time he'd just have to suck it up for the sake of our financial stability and not causing me unnecessary stress.

I had a father who did this sort of stuff after leaving the armed forces and was out of work a few times (economic circumstances) and talked a LOT about work, mainly negative:it was difficult for the whole family. Mum worked FT and stuck to one thing and progressed, which was vital for the family financially. As he got older it became harder to get work and he ‘retired’ young, with limited pension, which again had big financial impact.

Lots of us have work struggles and/or dislike our jobs. I think, so far, you could’ve done better for your family.

Police seems a poor choice when you disliked it before, you have to commute and dislike the time/costs of that, and police has some big drawbacks.

Unsurprising that you’re wife is fed up with the uncertainty and changes.

If you really don’t want to continue in the police, would seek something with some OK pay and conditions and job security, ideally some prospects and stick to it, even if you don’t like it much. It may be that where you live limits both your work options and that moving may make sense, but if it’s your wife who prefers your current location she may be unwilling to move given everything else!

Would also check how much ‘airtime’ you take up talking about work and reduce this if it’s a lot, as this will reduce strain on your wife.