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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my DH's advances are creepy

61 replies

ReluctantEarlyRiser · 09/04/2021 10:16

Not sure if I've just completely lost my mojo or if this would completely turn others off too.....

My DH barely talks go me through the day. When he finishes work he goes on his computer to do other stuff or goes on his phone. He's not particularly good at conversation anyway and finds eye contact difficult. I've often thought he's probably on the spectrum.

Anyway, last night he was in bed before me (rare). As I started getting undressed he put his book down and just watched me. I just wanted to go to sleep and get dressed in peace! This morning he was getting dressed in the bedroom. I start to get changed on the other side of the bedroom. As soon as my PJ bottoms were down he comes over and bear hugs me from the back whilst naked. Cold hands on me. I'm unable to move and didn't see in coming and just tell him to get off me.

I know he's gearing up to getting sex but these kinds of approaches just creep me out and make me want to knee him in the privates. Maybe just spend some time with me?

AIBU?

OP posts:
Babdoc · 09/04/2021 10:23

OP, you need to have this discussion with him, not us!
What was he like before you married? If he was always like this, why did you marry if you didn’t like his behaviour? And if he has changed, you need to tell him it’s unacceptable.
If he is autistic (an overused diagnosis in my view, and I’m an autistic doctor myself!) then you can explain suitable courtship behaviour and your expected level of emotional interaction during the day to him as simple factual concepts for him to take on board.

Ytrigging · 09/04/2021 10:27

That sounds awful and I’d find it creepy too.

AmandaHoldensLips · 09/04/2021 10:30

Ew.

Hhusky · 09/04/2021 10:30

I would sit down and have a chat. In fact if its your thing, have a glass of wine together and a chat about it tonight. We are all totally different and what might be the biggest turn on to one person would be a total turn off for another, regardless of whether or not we are on the autism spectrum.
Set your boundaries and have that all important conversation and go from there is what I would say.

Shoxfordian · 09/04/2021 10:31

I really don’t see why you married someone you can’t have a conversation with in the first place

Magnificentmug12 · 09/04/2021 10:35

I don’t think I’d find it strange for my DH to cuddle me, be it naked or not. I find it strange that makes you feel uncomfortable, or is that he was wanting sex that made you uncomfortable and not the cuddle?

If you don’t like it tell him you don’t want him to cuddle you anymore when your not dressed.

LatteLoverLovesLattes · 09/04/2021 10:36

I don't think it's creepy. He's your husband & he fancies you, he enjoys seeing you naked & it turns him on, it's hardly unusual.

However, being ignored all the time then expecting you to be turned on his advances is a bit daft if he's NT.

If you think he's ND then that's a bit different and possibly worth him investigating.

But it's still not creepy. He's not some stranger peering through your window.

ComtesseDeSpair · 09/04/2021 10:37

“Creepy” is an odd word to use about your husband who you presumably love and have known for many years. Is your marriage strained in other ways?

If you dislike it and find it unsexy, tell him so. Is it new behaviour? If not, this kinda sounds like “the ick”, which sets in when you’ve stopped finding somebody desirable or attractive and so things that used to be endearing now annoy or disgust you.

Leaninghouse · 09/04/2021 10:37

I love my OH watching me get undressed that's not creepy at all

Summersun2020 · 09/04/2021 10:39

You’re not wrong for feeling the way you do, but I wouldn’t feel creeped out by my husband watching me get undressed or by him hugging me when I was naked. I find this really sad. Why can’t you speak to him, OP? He’s your husband...it’s really not normal for him to give you the creeps

CounsellorTroi · 09/04/2021 10:40

TBH this would not in itself bother me at all. But in the context of what seems to be your general dissatisfaction with your relationship - I think you need to talk to him.

luxxlisbon · 09/04/2021 10:42

I agree that these things aren't exactly "creepy" on their own and certainly not in the context of most marriages. However that is not to say you need to be comfortable with it.

Has he always been like this and it just didn't bother you before or this this totally out of the blue? It sounds like your unhappiness within your marriage could be making you view things differently that didn't bother you before.

Have you brought any of this up to him?

Meggymoo777 · 09/04/2021 10:45

Agree with other PPs that I wouldn't necessarily find this creepy. My DP enjoys glancing at me while I change and a naked cuddle isn't something I'd find creepy either. Tbh, I'm not at all body confident but I'd be much less confident if I was changing in front of him and he didn't even look up from his book!
But... it obviously makes you uncomfortable and that's all that matters really. Agree with PP advice - crack a bottle of wine together and have a chat

Ponoka7 · 09/04/2021 10:45

It's probably as much the lack of affection and communication, as the clumsy advances that's putting you off. If things haven't always been like this then it's not because he's possibly on the spectrum. Likewise if he manages to communicate in work. He needs to get off the computer and have a conversation with you.

suzzze · 09/04/2021 10:47

It sounds like you've maybe went off him a bit?

Original poster
ReluctantEarlyRiser · 09/04/2021 10:56

It's been like this for a while but probably because I have very little interest in sex so he's perhaps unsure of how to approach it? Before kids it was more of a mutual thing.

It wasn't the naked cuddle that I found creepy. I'm happy to cuddle but he approached me from behind without me knowing whilst I was mid pulling my trousers down!

I also don't care about him seeing me naked. It's the sexualised staring, no words that made me ick. I was not being provocative - just changed out of my joggers into my fleecey PJs Grin

I have spoken to him about it on numerous occasions. He gets very arsey. I've told him I need a bit of attention before I'm going to be interested in sex. He thinks I mean romance and being wined and dined even though I've made it clear I just mean spending time together.

I do worry I have the 'ick' but I feel it could be rectified!

He functions perfectly well in life but he has a job where it's a lot of analysing processes and stats. He does struggle in social situations and doesn't make eye contact with people when talking to them.

OP posts:
Mittens030869 · 09/04/2021 11:06

I wouldn’t like it because I hate being grabbed from behind by anyone; this wouldn’t be anything to do with my DH being ‘creepy’ if he did this. But it would feel like he was, because I have PTSD as a result of PTSD from childhood SA.

So no, I wouldn’t say that your DH was necessarily being creepy, but even if he isn’t, it might well feel that way to you. How would he respond if you told him how it made you feel?

Diverseopinions · 09/04/2021 11:08

I think lockdown is making many of us more sensitive in different ways. Our emotions are being assaulted by new experiences - most of which are in the negative direction, e.g., no experience, or a draught of community and self-affirming interactions. People are spending more time buying-in a normal and customary level of mental stimulation by, maybe, thinking about their past, and whole episodes from it; spending more time analysing detail of everyday life in the present; blocking out feelings that not very much is impacting them emotionally. It's a hard time; your partner might be acting differently and you might be responding to things more intensely.

I've had a married female friend, yesterday, talk more about their adolescence, and sexual encounters in a way that they never used to mention, or, another friend, detailing real-life crime dramatisations they've been viewing. They just seem different. My sister was waxing lyrical about a pineapple she'd bought and the next day, going into a Polish delicatessen in Exeter felt exciting, like visiting abroad. People are starved of normal experiences and, probably it's affecting how they are filtering normality and making judgements about what is a constructive way to behave.

PriestessofPing · 09/04/2021 11:12

In context it is weird. If someone had barely spoken to me all day, and just stared, wordless, at me while I was naked, then yes, i’d find that creepy.

Ponoka7 · 09/04/2021 11:12

If you have children, how much engagement in family life is he having? He isn't doing anything that would make you fancy or connect with him.

BurbageBrook · 09/04/2021 11:14

I don’t think it’s creepy but the way he makes no effort outside the bedroom is unacceptable.

picklemewalnuts · 09/04/2021 11:16

You need to give him really clear, but not angry, feedback! Less a conversation, more an instruction.

'Oh my goodness that startled me! Please don't surprise me, it makes me uncomfortable.'

'Gosh it's been ages since we've spent relaxed time together. We'd better have a couple of hours together every evening, so we don't lose our mojo'.

'I fancy you more when we've spent a relaxed afternoon together.'

Original poster
ReluctantEarlyRiser · 09/04/2021 11:26

That's probably good advice @picklemewalnuts

OP posts:
Original poster
ReluctantEarlyRiser · 09/04/2021 11:32

He does do some housework and childcare but he's often not much fun and I'm the one who has to think up activities etc.

We don't really connect. I just get annoyed that he is only interested in me when he wants sex and goes about it in a weird way!

OP posts:
Whatisupwithme · 09/04/2021 11:37

I agree that both situations are creepy. Making a non sexual context, where a woman is going about her business, suddenly sexual is deeply unpleasant and misogynistic.

My DH will sometimes block my path to hug me, which I find not OK and tell him so. I also had times where I couldn't dress or undress in my own bedroom without being interfered with.

We have such a long way to go in heterosexual relationships. Ime, you should not do anything to your partner that you would not do to a woman on a first date or a woman at work. Obviously, in a relationship you are in a context where you can ask for a hug or sex. Sometimes you can be close together in a sexual context where you can feel comfortable to kiss or touch without verbalising it. I'm pretty sure men can work out when they are in that context.

I realise my view of it may be deeply unpopular with some women as well as men. I believe that you shoild have at least as much respect for the autonomy of your partner as you do for a stranger.