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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think my DH's advances are creepy

61 replies

ReluctantEarlyRiser · 09/04/2021 10:16

Not sure if I've just completely lost my mojo or if this would completely turn others off too.....

My DH barely talks go me through the day. When he finishes work he goes on his computer to do other stuff or goes on his phone. He's not particularly good at conversation anyway and finds eye contact difficult. I've often thought he's probably on the spectrum.

Anyway, last night he was in bed before me (rare). As I started getting undressed he put his book down and just watched me. I just wanted to go to sleep and get dressed in peace! This morning he was getting dressed in the bedroom. I start to get changed on the other side of the bedroom. As soon as my PJ bottoms were down he comes over and bear hugs me from the back whilst naked. Cold hands on me. I'm unable to move and didn't see in coming and just tell him to get off me.

I know he's gearing up to getting sex but these kinds of approaches just creep me out and make me want to knee him in the privates. Maybe just spend some time with me?

AIBU?

OP posts:

eatsleepread · 09/04/2021 17:54

Umm, I don't see what's so bad about it
You just don't sound into him, which is fair enough.

Original poster

ReluctantEarlyRiser · 09/04/2021 18:08

Of course I loved him and still do. Doesn't mean I can't question his behaviour or that people change. We've been together 15 years.

OP posts:

ButterflyHoneyPot · 09/04/2021 18:19

Well personally when my DP watches me undress I enjoy it, he clearly finds me sexy even if I think he needs his eyes checked. But our relationship is built on a lot of affection and communication as well as sex, and I don’t think I’ve ever once looked at him and found him creepy. Sounds more like you’re unattracted to him and don’t want to have sex with him than anything, maybe your relationship is dead?

Skysblue · 09/04/2021 18:50

Yanbu. I think most middle aged men could use a refreaher course in approaching women tbh.

Talk to her / listen to her / smile at her, make eye contact etc. THEN maybe you can progress to kissing. THEN maybe body touching.

Going straight for the body = instant turn off.

LucieStar · 09/04/2021 18:52

@ButterflyHoneyPot

Me too - I love that sort of attention from my DP, it makes me feel sexy and desired. But we have a really good relationship in many other ways too so I don't feel like I'm just an object for his satisfaction.

Icenii · 09/04/2021 19:07

All those people who say why did you marry him. You do get that given divorce rates are so high, it is perfectly normally for your feelings to change about someone?

Anyway, I get you OP. I'm in the exact same situation. DH is an involved father but we both work all day, he is then always on his phone. It drives me mad. He is in it hours and hours a day even if you try to have a conversation.

After dinner etc is done, and he watches TV while eating snacks not really engaging. We go to bed and then when I start falling asleep he starts making a move. I've told him he isn't intimate or affectionate during the day so I don't fancy sex. It's always 'do you want a cuddle', which is code for 'can we have sex'. A cuddle is never just a cuddle so it have putting me off them.

Or he'll wake early and wake me which I find frustrating.

I worry its the ick.

Hollywolly1 · 09/04/2021 19:11

I think it's just weird that you find your husband creepy its actually quite sad really and I am not saying its your fault at all. I also think you have developed the so called ICK and I think you need to sit down with yourself and be honest how you feel about your husband,you may really like him an all but that's not fair on him if you don't love him,you may have changed 15 years is a long time and people change all the time and maybe you can fix this and maybe not but at least question it

Original poster

ReluctantEarlyRiser · 09/04/2021 19:21

Sounds like we're in the same boat @icenii i know every bit of affection is him trying to instigate sex. Bleugh.

Even if we were to split, which we won't, it would leave me and my children in a much worse position in many other ways.

OP posts:

Fifipop185 · 09/04/2021 19:21

I also think you've got the ick and have some thinking to do.

I've been with DH for 26 years and I love the fact he still watches me dress and will try and snuggle in when I'm partially naked or getting out the shower. It doesn't lead to sex 9 times out of 10 and that's not his aim, it's reassuring that he still fancies me despite my stretch marks and wrinkles and slowly greying (chin) hair

CaesarsDream · 09/04/2021 19:32

If you are finding this creepy there must be other underlying problems in your marriage. IME

Dontbeme · 09/04/2021 20:04

This is not that difficult to understand is it though, he basically ignores you, you are being treated like a household appliance that sits and waits until it is needed to perform some function. I think you need to sit him down and explain what you want OP, that you need emotional intimacy for your desire for sexual intimacy to flourish. Would he agree to counseling so you can communicate what you both want from this relationship and figure out how to get both your needs met?

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