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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my DH's advances are creepy

61 replies

ReluctantEarlyRiser · 09/04/2021 10:16

Not sure if I've just completely lost my mojo or if this would completely turn others off too.....

My DH barely talks go me through the day. When he finishes work he goes on his computer to do other stuff or goes on his phone. He's not particularly good at conversation anyway and finds eye contact difficult. I've often thought he's probably on the spectrum.

Anyway, last night he was in bed before me (rare). As I started getting undressed he put his book down and just watched me. I just wanted to go to sleep and get dressed in peace! This morning he was getting dressed in the bedroom. I start to get changed on the other side of the bedroom. As soon as my PJ bottoms were down he comes over and bear hugs me from the back whilst naked. Cold hands on me. I'm unable to move and didn't see in coming and just tell him to get off me.

I know he's gearing up to getting sex but these kinds of approaches just creep me out and make me want to knee him in the privates. Maybe just spend some time with me?

AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
ReluctantEarlyRiser · 09/04/2021 11:42

@Whatisupwithme exactly this! I'm both of the situations mentioned I've had no choice and not consented. I don't mean he has to ask me everytime he goes in for a hug but there are non-verbal clues that most people would pick up on about whether you're open to that or not.

OP posts:
year5teacher · 09/04/2021 11:42

I think it’s unsurprising that you feel a lack of connection with him considering his behaviour in terms of not talking to you much. It’s also unsurprising that this leads you to feel put off by his advances. I don’t think his behaviour is creepy at all but it honestly sounds like you don’t really like him and are fairly unhappy in the relationship.

picklemewalnuts · 09/04/2021 11:44

We had so little intimate touch out of bed it killed our sexual relationship off. We can't cuddle up on the sofa- he's sort of rigid and unbending. It's really uncomfortable! I used to sit with my feet in his lap, which was comforting and a connection, but he stopped that too.
The last straw was when he made faces about putting suncream on my back.
It's not ok to touch me for sex, but dislike touching me for anything else.

You need some simple phrases to help him understand, because he isn't wired like you and can't imagine being wired like you.

Things like 'it's not ok to only touch me for sex', 'it's not ok to only spend time with me because you want sex'. But preferable phrased positively- I just can't think of it at the moment!

Umbongoumbongo999 · 09/04/2021 11:57

I used to feel like this, and would swat away my husband's advances. Our sex life had been poor for years. He wanted it, I didn't and I just wanted him to stop wanting me. When we did have sex it was good. But it played more into the dynamic of me 'letting' him have what he wanted, and in hindsight I think it was very controlling of me. I was putting all kinds of conditions on him being able to be intimate with me. He never pushed me too much, but would be similar in approach, watching me undress, finding reasons to touch me etc.

I was very clear in my communication, and he absolutely understood my line, and stopped when told,although obviously felt rejected.

A few months ago I did a lot of reflection and realised that we couldn't live our lives like this, that his needs to have a sexual relationship are not unimportant. I decided to make a concerted effort to make time for the physical side of our relationshwhether this is sex or just intimacy. We are so much closer now, and choose to spend more time together. Our sex life is honestly fantastic.

Apart from the unwanted advances, my dh was otherwise fab, supportive, hardworking, great dad, equal partner in household management.

I think if you have other problems in your relationship you need to identify and start dealing with these. If you honestly feel creeped out by your dh, you need to figure out what is the real root of this, and decide whether it is fixable. This starts with an honest conversation.

Naunet · 09/04/2021 12:29

Have you told him that most women don’t particularly want to have sex with men who ignore them all day?

doctorhamster · 09/04/2021 12:45

If he is autistic op there's very little chance of him picking up on non verbal cues and even less chance of him working out how you feel. You need to be explicit.

BluebellsGreenbells · 09/04/2021 12:57

I think the issue is he feels he has the right to touch you anytime the mood takes him and isn’t picking up the basic clues of when it is or isn’t ok.

I took to getting changed in the bathroom to avoid this situation. He thinks nothing of walking in on me getting changed otherwise

What was most most annoying is when you have kids and the least you expect is a few minuets to sort yourself out without an audience!

I with you OP it is creepy.

RandomMess · 09/04/2021 13:03

I would be really pissed off.

He has decided he wants sex therefore he will do x y z and you are expected to find that a turn on without there being any emotional connection.

Did you ever feel emotionally connected?

AryaStarkWolf · 09/04/2021 13:06

@Magnificentmug12

I don’t think I’d find it strange for my DH to cuddle me, be it naked or not. I find it strange that makes you feel uncomfortable, or is that he was wanting sex that made you uncomfortable and not the cuddle?

If you don’t like it tell him you don’t want him to cuddle you anymore when your not dressed.

Yeah this really
crazymicrowave123 · 09/04/2021 13:20

Why did you marry someone who you don't seem to connect with?

Zoinksalot · 09/04/2021 13:22

You don't have meaningful conversations, you don't like him watching you undress, you don't like being hugged and you've said you have no interest in sex ... why in gods name did you marry and stay married to this poor man??

BluebellsGreenbells · 09/04/2021 13:41

Zoinksalot

Would you find this sexually attractive from a stranger? Because that’s what the husband has become.

He wants the pudding before main coarse!

He needs to put in the emotional effort - which he hasn’t

Naunet · 09/04/2021 14:07

You don't have meaningful conversations, you don't like him watching you undress, you don't like being hugged and you've said you have no interest in sex ... why in gods name did you marry and stay married to this poor man??

This poor man?! Are kidding? This poor man who ignores his wife until he wants sex? Yeah what a little victim he is 🙄

Original poster
ReluctantEarlyRiser · 09/04/2021 15:07

I like being hugged, just not whilst im trying to get dressed and unaware it's about to happen. This was a sexual thing not really an affectionate hug. I have no problem with him seeing me naked either, even watching me get undressed in a sexual way if I was in anyway fancying sex. It was quite obvious from my yawning and putting on snuggly PJs that it wasn't on the cards 😂

OP posts:
Original poster
ReluctantEarlyRiser · 09/04/2021 15:08

Even just saying ' you look sexy' or something whilst staring at me would have made it feel less ick! At least then I could have responded?

OP posts:
sunflowersandbuttercups · 09/04/2021 15:12

On its own, don't think a husband watching his wife get undressed or hugging her from behind is creepy.

But I really don't think that's the issue here. You have a husband who barely communicates with you and doesn't really contribute anything around the house. I'm not surprised you're not interested!

Is there anything beneficial about this relationship?

Original poster
ReluctantEarlyRiser · 09/04/2021 15:24

The communication is the issue. He does do stuff around the house and shares the childcare. Before children we could do as we pleased and did quite a lot separately as well as together. Having young kids does change a lot as well as lockdown! Little chance for either of us to do the stuff we used to enjoy.

Im pretty low maintenance and we sometimes would go days without talking before we moved in together. Possibly a warning sign!

I do get stuff from the relationship - support with the kids, financial security, practical help around the house, sometimes I even enjoying being around him Grin

OP posts:
wonderingsoul · 09/04/2021 15:30

I don't find what he did creepy on its own. Its the fact that he ignores you the rest of the time that would make he's moves uncomfortable.
My partner and I are touchy and do random but slaps hugs... But if we didn't have the little things I would feel the same as you.

Your both out of whack with each other so I'd suggest having a talk with him

MissConductUS · 09/04/2021 15:46

I get up earlier than my husband and when I'm ready, I wake him up with a cuddle every morning. I leave enough time so that we can have a quiet chat about what's going on with the kids, our day, etc. It's been really helpful in maintaining that sense of connectedness.

sunflowersandbuttercups · 09/04/2021 15:55

If he was like this before marriage, what did you expect to be different afterwards?

Ivy455 · 09/04/2021 16:33

I wouldn't find this weird if my husband did this - he's always randomly touching my bum or cuddling me from behind and kissing my neck etc. I'd be concerned if he stopped! But I get that we all like different things. I'm getting the impression from your language that you have a bit of the ick going on. I remember towards the end of a previous relationship feeling repulsed even sitting on the same bed as him.

Original poster
ReluctantEarlyRiser · 09/04/2021 17:22

Before marriage/kids we had more time to say, snuggle in bed in the mornings or whatever so it wasn't really an issue. Things were less forced and more mutual.

He has always been keen for me to wear 'sexy' underwear or certain dresses etc. I think I've changed in that I find being objectified creepy rather than flattering. Maybe it's an age thing. The male gaze and being looked at through that lens makes me feel a bit cross. All about pleasing the male rather than female sexuality. I dunno
I may be overthinking it!

OP posts:
cushioncovers · 09/04/2021 17:29

Nope I don't think it's creepy. However the fact that he ignores you for a good part of the day and only shows an interest when he wants sex would bother me.

shivawn · 09/04/2021 17:43

This is so hard to understand. A few people have asked why you married him but you haven't really addressed it? You must have been madly in love at some stage to want to spend the rest of your life with him?

sunflowersandbuttercups · 09/04/2021 17:44

It sounds like you've developed the "ick".