Cricket

[satsumaddict]

Please advise me - My husband wants to play cricket from this weekend every Sunday (unless I had previously booked it off) until September - he would ideally like to take the car we share. We have a two year old so this limits my weekends massively. This is a bit of a trigger for me too as a few years ago before we got married he played every weekend (both days) and I got extremely lonely at weekends, in culminated in us arguing a lot and almost breaking up and due to us having a baby, the pandemic and an injury he hasn’t played for the last 3 years. I feel like I was so excited about the summer ahead and being able to have weekends as a family and have been in tears over the whole thing. He sees it as me trying to limit his life, and stopping him “having a hobby” but I just feel so sad about it and don’t know what to do.

I often took them away on my own as he was working and I wasn’t

Work - necessity
Hobby- choice. You can't compare the two.

You have my every sympathy OP. When DH and I met he played a weeknight, went to nets one weeknight, played every Saturday and most Sundays. It nearly broke our relationship.

I ended up going to so many events alone, sometimes he'd turn up to something on a Saturday evening at 9pm. I just decided to organise the bbqs etc and go without him, and leave it to him to apologise for why he wasn't there.

DH's whole family are crickety, he only wanted to play for the team his family and friend did which was an hour away from where we lived. DMIL used to tell me I should get involved and make the cricket teas (fuck that). There was this expectation that I should give up every Saturday and go and sit with the other cricket WAGS to fawn over our partners playing the worlds longest game at a completely average standard.

His club was a total "boys club" too in a very naiceee area. So lovely and sociable providing you fit their model. Which I did not.

At one point we shared (my) car, I refused to be stranded for the whole weekend and said he'd need to make alternate arrangements. I was happy to drop him off or pick him up providing it fit with my schedule, otherwise it was get a lift or go on public transport.

It came to a head before we got married. I accepted he had every right to commit all his free time to a hobby if he wanted. He had to accept that I didn't want to be in that sort of relationship. He dropped it down to every other Saturday and a midweek game, unless we had other plans.

He's naturally ended up drifting away from the sport as his priorities have changed now. We both work long hours and our weekends are precious.

I've spoken to him about signing up for a local team on Sundays, which I think he will look to do now lockdown is easing, but we've both agreed it isn't going to be the priority in either of our lives anymore.

Before anyone says- we both have different hobbies, which take up different time. The issue with cricket is that it isn't just a hobby. It's an entire day, it's expensive, and it's shit to sit and watch at a low standard if you have no interest in it.

Hard for me to be objective because I adore cricket and wish my husband played. It was the highlight of the five years I spent with my ex and was gutted when he stopped playing for his local club. I loved it and had so many fun chats!!

@AmyLou100

I often took them away on my own as he was working and I wasn’t

Work - necessity
Hobby- choice. You can't compare the two.

I often did things at weekends when he was doing DIY , visiting his family etc as well . I’m an independent person , the point I’m making is that I don’t feel the need for my husband to have been present to have a good time with our children .

Everything BIWI said.
Also what Floralnomad said, in both posts.
It was, and has been crucial to our marriage that we BOTH ringfenced some time to be who we were as people, and didn't give up life to martyr ourselves to the dc.

@sweeneytoddsrazor

Well it won't be every Sunday it will be just be the cricket season so probably a maximum of 30 days a year, which doesn't sound quite so bad as every Sunday. If the team is all Dads then very likely there will be lots of partners and children there as well, so you could go a few times.

30 Sundays a year. Over half of the Sundays in the year, and all of them in the Summer.

On the subject of cricket this years IPL has just started so that is the next 7 weeks sorted !

@Floralnomad ok thanks really helpful I’ll just stop feeling sad now! He also plays football on Monday nights which I have always liked! It was just the idea of all Sunday’s on my own til Sept, and a two yo is not as easy as younger or older children.

Thank you so much to everyone who has been so helpful and understanding and sympathetic.

@ChocOrange1 thank you so much for this all ♥️

@satsumaddict all of us with grown up children had 2 yr olds at some point , mine were not born aged 3 .

@BIWI

I don't think, if he's Captain, he would realistically be able to do alternate Sundays. That's not how team sports work!

I feel your pain, however, as this was exactly the situation we were in. Worse, actually, because DH played on Saturday and Sunday when we first met! It was OK initially, as I used to go along and watch - helped by the fact that one of my friend's DP was also in the team, so we sat and chatted together.

But once DS1 came along it was very different, and being stuck at home without the car was a real issue. And it's hard trying to entertain a toddler for hours by the side of a pitch. Thankfully DH also realised it was an issue and that was when he gave up playing.

Is there anyway you could afford a second car - just a cheap run around so he can use that to get to his Sunday game? That was the only solution I could see at the time, had he not given up - because ultimately I didn't want to have to try and stop him doing something that he enjoyed and, frankly, was also good for him (both mentally and physically).

So, I think YABU to try and stop him, but he's BU if he doesn't understand your POV and try to come up with a way to make it work for both of you.

What's his suggestion?

He doesn't have to be captain. It is not league cricket so he doesn't have to play every Sunday. We have all kind of players that play for us on a Sunday. We have players who only play 1 in 4 and some who only play a couple of games all season. It is very easy to compromise (it sounds as though he doesn't want to).

As I said earlier - I think some people are fine with the whole cricket thing, and that's great. Others not so much, and that's ok too.

Despite dh stopping playing cricket (apart from the occasional match), we still have our own hobbies and do our own thing, I think there is a whole world of variety that is not 'attached to husband'

I was you! We had kids and DH said he wouldn't go back to playing full day cricket until kids were old enough to come along and play about pretty much unsupervised so I wouldn't be parenting all day but could leave them with him.

He found a midweek team who do 20 overs instead which is perfect.

Can DH look into that??

Midweek team is evenings

This gives me the absolute shivers. Cricket isn't a sport that takes up a couple of hours on the weekends like other sports. It eats up the WHOLE day and if he is captain, like my exhusband was, there are umpteen other events and meetings to be involved with on other days and evenings.

My exhusband played all weekend every weekend including Bank Holidays from April to sometimes October and it didn't change when we started a family. In fact he used most of his annual leave playing for various leagues during the week. Completely selfish and supported by everyone round us who used the 'well you knew he played sport when you met him ' argument. We didn't go on summer holidays and had to get married outside the season. He never attended social events that weren't Cricket based so I was basically alone,and a lone parent for the best part of the year. It was miserable and I regret hanging around for so long in a one sided relationship.

How would your husband react if you told him you would be missing for one day a week every week and leave him to look after the kids?

I really don't think young families and Cricket go together. So many relationships broke up because of it. My exhusband ended up playing golf so it never ends for some of them.

Prior to children my husband used to play cricket every Saturday and was typically gone from 11am until 7-8pm.

After we had our first child he stopped because as another poster said it’s just not compatible with life.

As the children got older my husband would play maybe once a month if the team was short but he would never have committed to it being a weekly thing.

Your DH is being very unfair.

This thread is a bit of an eye opener. Armchair cricket or tween matches all the way (Sunday mornings, quite pleasant in the sun, all done by lunchtime). I have never been so pleased that my husband's cricket enthusiasm is strictly armchair.

It is so easy throw accusations of martyrdom or being boring around, but I doubt many of us went into parenthood expecting their husband to be out for such a large proportion of our time together over the summer. I do think it's selfish, though with hindsight perhaps it should have been discussed more thoroughly when he took on the captaincy. You don't have to be a martyr to "#familytime #makingmemories" to expect your partner to be around some Sundays, if only to tag team.

The question, OP, is what do you do? Having x% of MN agree with you is of no actual help at all. Any thoughts on your way forward for the summer? I quite like a PP's idea of organising family meet ups on the Sundays. Take back a bit of autonomy, keep yourself busy and get a hand with the toddler all in one.

@FeelinHappy That's what I did. Organised the fun stuff for when he was at golf. It was hard as had 3 under 4s but when we split up the kids didn't even realise he'd moved out for a whole month and even now they have no idea he actually lived with us because of work/work trips/golf.

My partner will be doing the same every Saturday. We are due a baby in June (he won’t be playing for a few weeks then incase I go into labour)

I’m actually looking forward to having every Saturday completely to myself. And then just me and the baby once he’s here. We’ve also agreed on his other day off from work, he will take the baby so I can have a day alone.

Use the time to do what you want to do. Lounge about the house and pamper yourself! Or get him to catch a lift with a team mate so you have use of the car.

@Illy605 not quite sure how much lounging and pampering you can do with a toddler in the house!

@satsumaddict

I think it’s part of a bigger thing for me remembering how I felt before. I am not encouraged to join in and def not taking my toddler to try and entertain him with people I don’t know and balls flying around. I just couldn’t decide should I be feeling this sad and disappointed, like, what have I lost? Am I just half a person now? I think I might need some help lol x

If it’s Sunday cricket the balls won’t be “flying around”, unless they’ve recruited Chris Gayle as a ringer.

My husband plays cricket and we compromised at him playing home matches as he then only plays every second Saturday and isn’t traipsing all over.

@illy605 "I’m actually looking forward to having every Saturday completely to myself. And then just me and the baby once he’s here."

For many parents on mat leave, just you and the baby is the norm Monday to Friday. By Saturday it wouldn't feel like much of a treat to me.

[quote luckylavender]@HunterHearstHelmsley - have you ever been to cricket? It's all day. [/quote]
Nope. It's dull as fuck.

For many parents on mat leave, just you and the baby is the norm Monday to Friday. By Saturday it wouldn't feel like much of a treat to me.

Exactly - the weekends were my saviour when I knew I had the support and presence of DH which would enable me some down time and a much needed break - even if that was just going to lie down for a couple of hours.

I’d have been f**king fuming if DH took a whole weekend day off from family life to enjoy his hobby whilst leaving me home alone with the baby again.