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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Cricket

107 replies

satsumaddict · 08/04/2021 21:51

Please advise me - My husband wants to play cricket from this weekend every Sunday (unless I had previously booked it off) until September - he would ideally like to take the car we share. We have a two year old so this limits my weekends massively. This is a bit of a trigger for me too as a few years ago before we got married he played every weekend (both days) and I got extremely lonely at weekends, in culminated in us arguing a lot and almost breaking up and due to us having a baby, the pandemic and an injury he hasn’t played for the last 3 years. I feel like I was so excited about the summer ahead and being able to have weekends as a family and have been in tears over the whole thing. He sees it as me trying to limit his life, and stopping him “having a hobby” but I just feel so sad about it and don’t know what to do.

OP posts:

ineedaholidaynow · 08/04/2021 22:57

How much does he do around the house and with your child at the moment?

Can he compromise to every other weekend, and possibly car share too, so not always using your car.

Do you get any you time?

Original poster

satsumaddict · 09/04/2021 08:42

Thank you so much to everyone for these replies. Yes it is all day and at often far flung places where he would need the car. It is from 10-11 to 8pm minimum often 11/12 or later. I am totally torn over the whole thing as I want him to be happy but at the same time I invisaged this summer with our friends who we have not seen for a year in the garden having bbqs and now I just see half my weekends as alone trapped in the house with a two year old. He’s decided he’s doing it “they’ve made me captain 🙄” - so just going to have to try and make plans and take it I guess.

OP posts:

skirk64 · 09/04/2021 08:48

Can't he car share, some weekends he takes the car and gives lifts to a couple of other players, then it's their turn for a couple of weeks. That way you'd have the car yourself 2/3 of Sundays.

ChocOrange1 · 09/04/2021 09:01

@Quadzilla

If he gets to have Sunday’s to himself, do you get Saturdays to yourself?

And never see your husband. Sounds great?

Original poster

satsumaddict · 09/04/2021 09:05

Thank you, yes he probs can car share sometimes. I really appreciate all the sympathy was feeling like I was going mad over here xx

OP posts:

InDubiousBattle · 09/04/2021 09:06

What is he like generally op? I'd be tempted to just organise the bbq s, seeing friends and so on just without him. I definitely wouldn't be missing stuff or trying to crow bar it all in on Saturdays so he gets be best of all worlds.

ChocOrange1 · 09/04/2021 09:06

I know exactly where you are coming from. When we first met, my husband played cricket every Saturday all day, plus 2 evenings a week and I hated it. He had this thing about not "letting the team down" so would never book anything on a Saturday, even though the rest of the team would go on holidays and had days off. (Its just a local team, not professional or anything).

ANYWAY now we have kids, we have an agreement. If its just a normal Saturday he plays (about 12pm to 7pm and then pub after) but if we want to book a weekend away or a special trip then he will miss it. So he ends up playing about 3 weeks out of every 4. He is responsible for the kids all morning on the days when he plays cricket in the afternoon, and we do family things on Sunday.

I wouldn't want to take a 2 year old to watch cricket for 6 hours. We sometimes pop up for an hour or so when it's a local match as there's a play area on the site. But its boring and not many other spectators so I wouldn't want to be there all day.

HazeyJaneII · 09/04/2021 09:08

This (and working in sport) is one of the reasons dh stopped playing cricket, I was glad it came from him rather than me. We used to spend a lot of our time hanging around cricket matches anyway.

ChocOrange1 · 09/04/2021 09:10

@InDubiousBattle

Oh yes I agree with this too. Just get on with the fun stuff without him

EveryDayIsADuvetDay · 09/04/2021 09:14

You really don't want to be that player that cadges lifts to every single match, drives themselves, but never ever offers to bring the car and drive for a change

He takes the car alternate weeks, as do you when you disappear for your day off on Saturdays.

millenialblush · 09/04/2021 09:19

Cricket widow here too. My DH stopped for a few years when we had twins (FIL had the nerve to blame me for halting DHs cricket hobby). But back in it this year. I have booked a few weekends where I do something for myself on the other day he is not playing, and we will make sure we do family things. Maybe he could alternate lifts with people so you get the car some weekends.

And yes, taking toddlers to cricket grounds is hard work, chasing them about, worried the ball will hit them (happened to us!). Are any other cricket wives going with young kids?

garlictwist · 09/04/2021 09:22

Fucking cricket! My ex used to play and I found it such a drag and this was without children. It was every weekend for hours and hours and meant we never spent any time together.

The other wives would hang out in the club house and make sandwiches but I just did not want to do that.

It gave me such a hatred of the sport. It's very tricky because it's not like a normal hobby, it's just so long and boring

Coasterfan · 09/04/2021 09:26

The cricket wouldn’t really bother me but taking the car isn’t on if it means you then can’t do anything, he needs to get a lift! I d maybe take him and pick him up so I could have the car if it fitted with what I was doing but I wouldn’t inconvenience myself either.

HazeyJaneII · 09/04/2021 09:34

...oh and (unless it's your thing) never volunteer to make the cricket tea, you will fall down a rabbit hole you'll never clamber out of.

ExtraOnions · 09/04/2021 09:36

My husband used to play ... it was partly the reason I met him.

Local Sunday League, I used to love going when my daughter was younger, lots of other wives would be there, wirh thier children, and the kids would be playing all day and we would get to have a chat and a drink .... I really miss it these days.

In bad weather I wouldn’t go, would sometimes drop him off and then pick him up later ... but it was a local league. I’m surprised you husband is playing teams that are so far away - the older you get in cricket, the more you drop down the rankings, the closer to home you end up playing.

DenisetheMenace · 09/04/2021 09:40

Parky04

Sunday cricket is not league cricket (usually on a Saturday) so only friendlies. I came to a compromise with DW that when we had DC I would play every other Sunday. This worked out well. As the DC are now adults, I play every Sunday“

Fair compromise.

Original poster

satsumaddict · 09/04/2021 09:49

Thank you, I’ll try talking to him about alternate Sunday’s. This is a club he has been part of for a long long time so based where he used to live. Even the home games are an hour away from where we live, he won’t change club as they are all his best friends. Some of them have children which he constantly tells me abd yes his compromise as he sees it is Sunday’s aren’t league so that’s the day the dads play. Overall he is a nice dad and husband, we have both struggled a lot in the last year and he was furloughed for nearly a year and doing more childcare in the week. I am a bit concerned this is a bigger issue deep down.... but just have to see how it goes and try and plan and enjoy my sundays. I have single friends who I can see and feeling a bit better. Thank you everyone x

OP posts:

Sameoldconstellations · 09/04/2021 09:54

They've made him captain - but he's made HIMSELF your husband and a child's father!? He sounds incredibly manipulative and selfish, OP. This is an issue from before you were married that almost caused the end of your relationship yet he has now decided it's the perfect thing for him to do every Sunday that you haven't ALREADY booked something in (that bit's incredibly awful - exactly how were you supposed to book things in before the unknown about deadline??), and poor diddums there's absolutely nothing he can do about the fact they've made him captain so even though he doesn't want to do it you and he will just have to put up with it

Also very manipulative is the accusation about you not wanting him to have a hobby - firstly, hobbies do indeed get pushed down the pecking order a bit when you have young children, and secondly, a hobby is not usually something that takes up HALF the weekend!

You don't just have to roll over and accept this, OP. What about your previous experiences in this relationship has taught you that that's the only option?

In any "normal" relationship I would suggest that you and him sit down, agree and compromise in how much weekend time will be for his hobbies/alone time, how much for yours and how much for family time. But in a "normal" relationship this is how he would have approached the conversation with you in the first place. His insistence on playing every Sunday tells you that he places a higher priority on his time than either your time or family time. He hasn't changed.

Being super optimistic, in a calm moment I'd ask him to sit down with you and dicuss this properly. However I imagine he won't do that, seeing as how he thinks he's already got away with presenting this to you as a fair accomplit that can't be changed. But of course it can. Do you have anyone you can talk with about this in real life?

BIWI · 09/04/2021 09:56

I don't think, if he's Captain, he would realistically be able to do alternate Sundays. That's not how team sports work!

I feel your pain, however, as this was exactly the situation we were in. Worse, actually, because DH played on Saturday and Sunday when we first met! It was OK initially, as I used to go along and watch - helped by the fact that one of my friend's DP was also in the team, so we sat and chatted together.

But once DS1 came along it was very different, and being stuck at home without the car was a real issue. And it's hard trying to entertain a toddler for hours by the side of a pitch. Thankfully DH also realised it was an issue and that was when he gave up playing.

Is there anyway you could afford a second car - just a cheap run around so he can use that to get to his Sunday game? That was the only solution I could see at the time, had he not given up - because ultimately I didn't want to have to try and stop him doing something that he enjoyed and, frankly, was also good for him (both mentally and physically).

So, I think YABU to try and stop him, but he's BU if he doesn't understand your POV and try to come up with a way to make it work for both of you.

What's his suggestion?

CrazyHorse · 09/04/2021 10:02

He needs a cheap car to get him to matches and back.

And never, ever make the cricket tea. If he wants to play cricket he can make the bloody sandwiches and cakes he's himself.

PoptartPoptart · 09/04/2021 10:08

”I do think it's a bit wet to begrudge someone a hobby just because you are bored at weekends - find your own passion”
What a horrible thing to say!
The op and her DH have a two year old. It’s not like she can just do as she pleases all day while he is off playing with his mates - she has a toddler to look after!
If she took up a similar hobby and was out of the house all day on a Saturday then they would spend zero time together as a family.

I do think it is healthy to have individual interests and hobbies, but a bit selfish to engage in one that means he is out of the house for 12 hours every single Sunday.

AmyLou100 · 09/04/2021 10:12

I would have a huge problem with this actually. Yes he wants to do his hobby but it's also extremely selfish of him. So presumably he works during the week, he just spends 1 day with his dd?
And he wants to take the car too, very selfish of him. He just didn't think about any of that besides what he wants to do. That limits family time massively, but he doesn't see that. Not everyone wants to sit around watching cricket while trying to mind a roaming toddler for 8 hours. It really isn't as fun as pp are making it out to be. There's also only so much of meeting friends or doing your own thing you can do as well.

peak2021 · 09/04/2021 10:14

Seems unreasonable for every Sunday given the distance and the every other Sunday a good suggestion. You could mention that there are some professional cricketers that do not do all games, all competitions.

Car sharing for the away games too.

AmyLou100 · 09/04/2021 10:16

Agree with SameOld. It's not about getting yourself a hobby, buying a second car or transport arrangements. It's about the pure selfishness of his decision. He has a toddler, a family, he cannot just book himself off every single week for the entire day and take the car too! He is trying to manipulate you here.

Definitelyrandom · 09/04/2021 10:24

I was feeling a bit of sympathy towards DH till you said he was playing for a team an hour away. DS1 has played for years for our village team and even now he usually comes back to play on a Sunday. It is quite nice to pop down for an hour and watch and socialise - or sometimes give him a lift to an away match, take the dog for a good walk and he'll get a lift back.

Maybe get him to agree to play locally next season? Should result in considerably shorter hours, at least.

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