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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Cricket

107 replies

satsumaddict · 08/04/2021 21:51

Please advise me - My husband wants to play cricket from this weekend every Sunday (unless I had previously booked it off) until September - he would ideally like to take the car we share. We have a two year old so this limits my weekends massively. This is a bit of a trigger for me too as a few years ago before we got married he played every weekend (both days) and I got extremely lonely at weekends, in culminated in us arguing a lot and almost breaking up and due to us having a baby, the pandemic and an injury he hasn’t played for the last 3 years. I feel like I was so excited about the summer ahead and being able to have weekends as a family and have been in tears over the whole thing. He sees it as me trying to limit his life, and stopping him “having a hobby” but I just feel so sad about it and don’t know what to do.

OP posts:
TheYeti · 09/04/2021 10:27

My DH used to be in a band so with gigs and practise he was out of the house a fair bit. I would never have asked him to stop doing this. It was his passion and his main social outlet. I love him and I think it would have been a weird way to show it if I'd told him to stop and a bit controlling.

However, he's a wonderful husband and father, gives me time to do my own hobbies and would also rearrange practise if it was really inconvenient. That's the key point I think. If he's a dick in other aspects then that's a bigger problem but if all else is fine I think it would be mean to tell him to jack in a hobby he loves. Its so important to be able to still be a person in your own right, not just a parent and partner, for men as well as women. As long as he's willing to cancel when you really want to do something together and gives you time if you want it then it's part of being in a loving couple. At least it's not all year round!

BIWI · 09/04/2021 10:34

@CrazyHorse

He needs a cheap car to get him to matches and back.

And never, ever make the cricket tea. If he wants to play cricket he can make the bloody sandwiches and cakes he's himself.

Absolutely @CrazyHorse! This was the one thing I was always very, very strict about. I was never going to become a 'cricket handmaiden' and start faffing about with their catering.
SweetToffee · 09/04/2021 10:39

Hobbies are great. Get yourself one

HazeyJaneII · 09/04/2021 10:56

Thing is, there are hobbies and there are...whole day taken up with cricket (the longest sport in the friffing world), followed by pub after, and once your in the team you can't let them down for another couple of friendlies/aways, and ..'oh they've made me captain!'...yay. Well of course you could get your own hobby that takes up a huge chunk of weekend (and would obviously have to involve a 2 year old) or you could take toddler and spend the day at cricket (weather permitting)...oh the fun of a picnic and playing outside, and chatting to the other mums and wives there, while you wrangle the 2 year old for 6 or 7 hours, then maybe one of the others could drive you and toddler home while dh goes on to the post match drink or you could drive home while he goes and gets pissed and gets a lift home (he might not go for the post match drink, for which he will be gently ribbed for the rest of his life the season).
Loads of people are fine with the above, and get really involved and it all becomes a big part of their lives...and that's ok. It wasn't for me, and fortunately it wasn't for dh either.

But yeah....just get a hobby.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 09/04/2021 10:57

Well it won't be every Sunday it will be just be the cricket season so probably a maximum of 30 days a year, which doesn't sound quite so bad as every Sunday. If the team is all Dads then very likely there will be lots of partners and children there as well, so you could go a few times.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 09/04/2021 11:02

Also pre- covid a lot of our local cricket clubs were a hive of social activities, quiz nights, children's parties, bbqs, firework displays and so on.

HazeyJaneII · 09/04/2021 11:03

so probably a maximum of 30 days a year
...over the whole Summer.

TwoLeftSocksWithHoles · 09/04/2021 11:06

@Quadzilla
Presumably it is not all day
Have you ever watched at cricket match? Grin

I believe the true correlation is -
one hour of watching cricket is equivalent to twelve hours on a medieval rack

(but you won't find that in Wisden's Almanack)

FeelinHappy · 09/04/2021 11:11

There's loads of room for compromising here. If moving teams is absolutely not something he'll compromise on then he needs to sort his own transport sometimes. Pretty rubbish for you to be left alone child wrangling every Sunday so what can he do to make that work for you?

My DH has a pretty immovable hobby but he does loads to take the pressure off me - he'll cook and wash up before he goes, makes sure I get a lie in etc. It gives a very different vibe to if he was waltzing off into the sunset every week leaving me to do the grunt work. It comes down to respect for his partner I think.

NormanStangerson · 09/04/2021 11:16

Cricket widow here! It really is most of the day unless he’s playing a high standard shorter format.

My H will leave about 11:30 and by the time they’ve had a post match pint or two, it’s getting on for 8/9pm.

I’ve had this year’s fixture list and it’s vast so I’ve said to let me know when he plans to play so I can plan around it. I also have demanded a similar sort of ‘day off’ for myself, which he’s more than happy with.

With the car issue, can he not car share with someone else so you’re not stuck?

BackforGood · 09/04/2021 11:25

He can't do alternate weeks, that's ridiculous.
He has already compromised, down from Saturdays and Sundays, to just the one day.
It is good to be part of a community. On nice days, why don't you go along yourself OP ?

He can lift share - doesn't need to leave you without a car every week - but YWBVU to say he can't be part of this lifelong hobby.

Floralnomad · 09/04/2021 11:28

The cricket season is really short . My dad played when we were growing up and we all just went along , watched , played with the other kids , had the cricket tea . It inspired my lasting love of the game and I have fond memories of my now late dad batting in a rain Mac .

BrumBoo · 09/04/2021 11:30

Cricket is not a hobby for those with very young children. It takes over all free time, an absolute bore to watch/hear about if you're not interested, and generally is the 'disappearing to the loo with your phone' equivalent of men excusing themselves from family time.

To be honest, I think (if you haven't gathered already) that he should put it off another year or so, until weekends in with a small child aren't so difficult. I'd actually put my foot down about the car unless he has zero other ways to get to where he's going. Suggest he starts teaching you child now, so in future it can actually be a useful hobby (him and child give you a Sunday off is definitely a future bonus).

ineedaholidaynow · 09/04/2021 11:30

If he lives an hour away from the club I am assuming car sharing may be problematic

Original poster
satsumaddict · 09/04/2021 12:56

I think it’s part of a bigger thing for me remembering how I felt before. I am not encouraged to join in and def not taking my toddler to try and entertain him with people I don’t know and balls flying around. I just couldn’t decide should I be feeling this sad and disappointed, like, what have I lost? Am I just half a person now? I think I might need some help lol x

OP posts:
BIWI · 09/04/2021 13:06

This:

Am I just half a person now?

... is a bit worrying though! You really do need to develop an independent life from your DH, even if you are married. It isn't good for either of you to feel that you have to be together and do everything together all the time.

Original poster
satsumaddict · 09/04/2021 13:08

@biwi it’s not that, it’s 50% of our total family time as we both work in the week and the first opportunity we have had to see friends and family in a year. And my physical independence. And sole charge of the toddler.

OP posts:
BIWI · 09/04/2021 13:10

But surely that means that on the days he's not playing, you get some free time and he has sole charge of the toddler?

idontlikealdi · 09/04/2021 13:10

@LIZS

Go along? Presumably it is not all day. Or ask him to get a lift if not local.
Oh it is all day, especially for away games. DH stopped when the kids arrived. He's gone back to it now they are older but I absolutely hate it. He a no for any Sunday event for the whole summer.
Original poster
satsumaddict · 09/04/2021 13:12

@biwi and just live separate weekend lives taking turns with the baby?

OP posts:
BIWI · 09/04/2021 13:14

Not at all! I didn't mean you'd leave the house for the whole day on Saturday! Just that you get time to do what you want on Saturdays, if you want to - could just be an hour mooching around the shops (when we're allowed, obviously!) but knowing that on that day you aren't the one who's mainly responsible for your child.

Or it could just be that you get a lie-in on Saturday or Sunday and he takes responsibility for doing breakfast, getting your child dressed/entertained, etc.

It doesn't have to be as black and white as you're portraying it.

Pupster21 · 09/04/2021 13:22

I understand where you are coming from OP but I think you’ve come up with the wrong solution. Me and DH both gave up pretty much everything when we first had children, our hobbies took a sideline and we spent all our time together doing things for the children. We got to a point where we just thought ‘what are we doing?’. DH now does his hobby at least once a week, usually in an evening but pre Covid it would be a full day every 3 months as well as 2 weekends away a year. I took up a new hobby but also made new friends and took my ‘me time’ either walking with new friends, going for meals, a cup of tea or nights out. Independence in a relationship to express your individuality is so important and cricket is obviously important to him.
My children now play cricket and we love sitting and watching them with a drink. We’ve been wandering down to watch matches since the youngest was 4 and when he got bored we’d just have a walk. We all benefit from the freedom in our relationship as DH is happier and more relaxed after his hobby and I’m happier and feel less ‘Mum’ after being with my friends.

Ouchiebum · 09/04/2021 13:28

@satsumaddict I have been you. You have my utmost sympathy. My exdh came from a cricket family where it was the norm to play cricket Saturday and Sunday all day and practice twice a week. Any questioning of this was met with incredulity as it was considered absolutely acceptable to absent yourself from life for most of the summer. No holidays together, no get Together’s with friends, no attending weddings / parties / concerts - cricket was the most important thing.

You’ve had some great advice here:
Encourage car sharing
Go watch for some of the day
Never ever under any circumstances do cricket teas.
Make sure family time is prioritised the rest of the time
Continue with your plans - see who you want when you want

My additional advice to you is to pay strict attention to your relationship. If you love your husband and want to stay together you will have to work really really hard. I did all the things on that list and still realised one day that I was effectively a single parent for a lot of the year and actually I was happy with that. By the time I’d realised my relationship had slipped away because I went and did my own thing, I was happier on my own. Cricket wasn’t the only reason, but my exdhs attitude towards it slipped into the rest of our life. Keep on top of it.

luckylavender · 09/04/2021 13:28

@HunterHearstHelmsley - have you ever been to cricket? It's all day.

Floralnomad · 09/04/2021 13:29

I suppose I just don’t understand people who feel the need to be constantly attached to their husband . We’ve been married for over 30 yrs but even when our dc were small I did things independently with them if he was busy , I often took them away on my own as he was working and I wasn’t . @satsumaddict you married your husband knowing that he played cricket , he has compromised by only playing one day and it seems to me that you don’t want to join in .