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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel violated he looked through my handbag?

61 replies

Fernando2020 · 06/04/2021 19:25

I'll try to keep this brief as there is a backstory to this but my OH has just let on he looked through my handbag. Apparently he was 'looking' for our DS white noise machine as I'd been to my parents and he'd had a nap there but we both know I take all of our DS things in a totally separate bag. Now if he'd just opened it and had a curseary glance to see if it was in there I'd have no issue with this. It would be pretty clear it wasn't in there as my handbag is not large so no further investigation would be needed. BUT. He then went on to list things I have in zipped and side pockets. I've got nothing to hide so I don't know what he was looking for. He then tried to back track saying the zip was undone but it is always zipped closed as that is how I like it. I've now got a funny feeling in the pit of my stomach that he is going back to his old ways. At the beginning of our relationship he was very paranoid and suspicious but he had counselling for this at my insistence and things improved. I don't know if it's because I'm due back to work from maternity leave soon and he's getting twitchy because I'm going to be out of the house again or just because he was being nosey. Am I right to feel a bit unsettled by this? I just can't shake the feeling that he was snooping on me.

OP posts:
Curiosity101 · 06/04/2021 19:34

I feel that given what you've said about the past I'd probably be unsettled by this.

But if it was my DH who went through my bag it wouldn't even register.

Aprilx · 06/04/2021 19:38

It wouldn’t bother me much at all if DH went through my bag because he was looking for something, sometimes I tell him to look through my bag for things and he usually opens my post.

But in your scenario, maybe there is more to this.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 06/04/2021 19:45

See I wouldnt be the least bothered if DH went through mine, I regularly send him to hunt for things in it. I've been through his bags hunting for stuff too. But then I have nothing whatsoever to hide from him!

Suzi888 · 06/04/2021 19:47

@Curiosity101

I feel that given what you've said about the past I'd probably be unsettled by this.

But if it was my DH who went through my bag it wouldn't even register.

Agree with this.
Oblomov21 · 06/04/2021 19:48

Wouldn't bother me. Neither Dh nor ds's even like taking my purse out of my bag when they've just asked for money! And I don't understand their wierdness about my handbag.

CustardySergeant · 06/04/2021 19:48

@Curiosity101

I feel that given what you've said about the past I'd probably be unsettled by this.

But if it was my DH who went through my bag it wouldn't even register.

Yes, same here. Can you discuss this with him, OP?
AmelieTaylor · 06/04/2021 19:48

No it wouldn't bother me, in my situation

It would however bother me hugely in yours!

I would be talking to him about it, given the past. Maybe he needs more counselling? (Or setting free!)

cultkid · 06/04/2021 19:49

Yabu

itsgettingwierd · 06/04/2021 19:51

I find it odd that it's such a secret what's in your handbag?

Even at work I've sent colleagues to get paracetamol etc from mine if they've needed it and I can't go at that time.

But it seems there's a bigger trust issue here that may be why you're upset.

And I assume the original trust issues weren't just centred around your handbag?

greatauntfanny · 06/04/2021 19:55

Of course you aren’t being unreasonable if he has a track record of being ‘paranoid and suspicious’.

Although I think some further information around how his paranoia and suspicion manifested itself would be useful.

therocinante · 06/04/2021 19:56

My DH having a rummage wouldn't bother me BUT I suspect that's cos he isn't possessive and also I can't imagine why he ever would, he knows it's tampons that have fallen out of their wrappers, 803 trolley pounds and about 7 lipsticks and not much else.

In your situation, yes I'd be suspicious. You mention about maternity leave ending and that maybe being the reason he's going back to his old ways: has he given you any indication that might be the case? Any comments about how you're going to be out all the time now, or dressing up for work, or meeting lots of new people again?

Operasinger · 06/04/2021 19:57

This wouldn't bother me one bit. I don't have anything in my handbag worth getting bothered about.

toocold54 · 06/04/2021 20:05

I say YANBU as I don’t like people looking through my bag, phone etc and I wouldn’t do it to a partner or anyone else without their permission. However lots of couples have open access and my friends partners will often rummage around in their bags and they’re fine with it. So it is completely how your relationship works for you both.

Dishwashersaurous · 06/04/2021 20:07

I wouldn't think twice about my husband looked in my handbag, wardrobe, drawers, phone etc.

The question is why does it make you feel uncertain and uncomfortable . And why did he feel the need to mention it?

Flavabobble · 06/04/2021 20:10

I don't really use a handbag, and if I did, wouldn't have much in it. But that he went through every pocket, zipped or otherwise and clearly made a mental note is weird and would bother me - this isn't just a quick rummage to find something.

Pottedpalm · 06/04/2021 20:12

@Oblomov21

Wouldn't bother me. Neither Dh nor ds's even like taking my purse out of my bag when they've just asked for money! And I don't understand their wierdness about my handbag.
It is weird isn’t it? In several decades of marriage my DH steadfastly refuses to investigate my bag. If he needs something and I say it’s in there, he will bring the bag to me and won’t even look inside. I think he’s afraid of what he might see 😂 His mother probably trained him that he should never investigate a handbag!
Geamhradh · 06/04/2021 20:16

Dp is always in and out of my bag and I'm always in and out of his wallet. As others have said, that's us, and it's a total non-issue.
It clearly is for you and maybe that's what needs addressing because it sounds like the handbag is just the tip of the iceberg.

Alloftheboys · 06/04/2021 20:16

If he was searching for a large item and quickly established it wasn’t in the bag he should have immediately stopped.
He is rude and snoopy.

Furrydogmum · 06/04/2021 20:24

It wouldn't bother me as there is no history to make it a concern.. From what you've said there is an issue so you need to discuss it..

MrsTerryPratchett · 06/04/2021 20:25

My DH was also properly raised and clearly feels my handbag contains bear traps and nerve agents. He won't open it, even with express permission.

I don't have anything to hide but I think that's a crap justification. It's my private possession and even in a marriage people are allowed those.

Penistoe · 06/04/2021 20:27

I wouldn’t want anyone to snoop in my handbag. It’s my Monica cupboard.

NeverDropYourMoonCup · 06/04/2021 20:29

I think you know best when something isn't right.

If DP ever went in my bag, I'd be surprised, as he's been brought up to bring women their bags and present them to the owner so they can remove whatever is inside, but not bothered in the slightest if he does.

However, the only reason an ex went into my bag would be to steal money or painkillers, take my phone to see whether he could work out the current passcode or search for non existent evidence I was having/planning/thinking of an affair/random hookup. So as far as he was concerned, he was violating my privacy.

I'd be very wary now if I were you, as he's monitoring the contents - possibly looking for bits of paper with phone numbers, contraceptives, spare knickers in the emergency period bag, wipes, that kind of thing. Does he have a problem with makeup as well?

Cherrysoup · 06/04/2021 20:32

He’s been in the zipped pockets, where the machine couldn’t possibly be? I would not be happy with this, particularly given his history.

FindingMeno · 06/04/2021 20:36

Oh tricky one with the lack of necessity to look thoroughly and the back story.
My dh would never go into my handbag - he brings it to me if I say something is in my bag so I can get it out. I've always found it strangely old- fashioned because I really don't care if he looks in my handbag.
I would just observe for any other small clues. If he is perhaps having a setback, hopefully it'll be easier to deal with if compassionately tackled earlier. I'm guessing if it is that, he doesn't want to be like that which is why he addressed it before albeit on your insistence.
I wouldn't read too much into this at all if it is a one-off.

DontBeRidiculous · 06/04/2021 20:42

What would he be expecting to find? Condoms? Lacy underwear? Other evidence of an affair?

I wouldn't mind my husband looking for something in my bag if he had a reason to expect to find it there, but if he as clearly going through and searching every zippered compartment even though the thing he was looking for wouldn't have fit in them, that would annoy me. I'd wonder (as previously stated) what he was expecting to find.

Since you have an unusual history with your husband, what's a reasonable reaction will be different for you than for most.